Blogs


Notices

AS is coming home

Old 06-03-2009, 07:46 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
WHAT???? Winnie - I'm so sorry. I have no words of advice. I'm shocked to read this post and can only offer hugs. Does he have to do a UA with his probabion officer or anything like that? Seems like stringent guidelines should be in place before he arrives home.
Callie is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 08:45 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
rayofsunshine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Praying for your family, Winnie!

I watched the show ... Strict Parents .. on CMT yesterday... maybe you could get
him on the show? The kids were so different when they returned home. I know this
is far fetched... but maybe the friend that would take him would be a good idea, especially if they are a little strict... my house my rules kind of thing.
rayofsunshine is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 09:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
there are no screaming matches or crazy surprise
How about write up a contract that he has to sign (that way everything is in black and white).

No screaming, ranting, yelling, etc.

Chores done in a time manner.

Treat everyone in house with respect.

No drugs or alcohol.

Attends all therapy, meetings, etc

Gets a sponsor.

Take medications on time and eat properly.

Checking in with PO on regular basis.

Anything his PO would like to add to list.

etc just in list form.

i have the added stress that counsequences are tough to determine
Consequences in whatever order you deem as a progression:

No video gaming for X amount of hours, days, weeks.

Loss of video games for X amount of hours, days, weeks.

Loss of computer use for X amount of hours, days, weeks.

Loss of video gamer for X amount of hours, days, weeks.

Loss of cell phone and landline for X amount of hours, days, weeks.

etc

Since you are in contact with his PO, I would ask the PO what he/she would like added to the list, and I do believe it should be signed in FRONT OF the PO with the PO as 'witness' to the signatures.

Not that this would make it 'legal and binding' but I think it would put a bit more strength into it, with your son knowing that his PO goes along with this completely.

Then PO gets a copy, you have a copy, son has a copy and one copy goes on the REFRIGERATOR DOOR IN PROMINENT VIEW for all to see at any time.

Yes, I was thinking about some of this overnight (I am a 'night owl' lol).

There are some good Rehabs for Minors around the country, and some are even on a sliding scale and/or take really desperate cases.

Now I know this is going to sound a bit strange, but you may even want to contact the show Intervention ............................................ they really can and do work some 'miracles.' If they take your son on, they have connections with so many rehabs and they pay for the ticket (one way until they complete the entire program as laid out for the individual and they pay for the rehab). Looks like my cousin, his wife, and their heroin addicted daughter are going to be on it sometime in the future. They are working with them now.

I know, it's just a shot in the dark, but they have taken on 'dual problems' before and minors, so might just be worth the 'shot in the dark.' My cuz-in-law did the initial contact through the aetv.com/intervention web site with a long detailed email. They emailed her back then called and slowly things are falling into place.

Unfortunately Salvation Army, because he is only 16 and NOT emancipated would not take him at this time. Not until he is 18.

That's all I can think of for right now.

Again, prayers and good thoughts still winging their way to GA from NM.

Love and hugs,

PS I sent you a PM
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 09:34 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Laurie has a good idea in contacting the show Intervention or the parent one that Ray mentioned. I know in my H's rehab there was a guy there who is/was on intervention. They were paying for his way to be there. The show has not aired yet.

I also 100% agree with Laurie's rules. SOMETHING needs to be in place or things will fall right back into old patterns most likely. So sorry you're going through this Winnie
Callie is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 10:08 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hurtbad2505's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
Just an aside on the show "Intervention"....an old friend of mine contacted them (I believe by phone) for herself...she is a long-term alcoholic/drug abuser and finally hit her bottom. Ended up calling them and they sent her to Florida for treatment...not even putting her on the show, but paying for her treatment and transportation, etc.. I was shocked that they would do this, but I can tell you she is doing amazingly well, got a cell pic of her recently and WOW.

Might be worth a try?
Hurtbad2505 is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 10:10 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Sorry to hear about the change in plan -- but it sounds as though you are working on a new plans. I applaud your strength and inner capabilities.

Sending prayers and wishes for you and your family.
HurtingDad is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 12:20 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I've never heard of the show Intervention but Dr. Phil does the same sort of thing. Appearing on the show (especially since he's a minor and Dr. Phil is really into helping minors), would get him the best treatment available for free.

Another thing I've seen on his show is how he sometimes does consequences with children/minors.

Someone else gave you a list of good consequences. I remember Dr. Phil telling parents before to strip the room. All the child gets is a bed and the basic necessities to live. No t.v., no video games, no extra clothes or doo dads, and no luxuries whatsoever. He gets these things back by earning them one at a time. It's kind of a reverse of "If you don't do something then I take something away." He knows you have to provide him the necessities but you certainly don't have to provide anything else.

Someone else here mentioned giving the minor child a 'room' in the garage. In other words, he would be in your home but not in your home. You could lock the door that leads to the garage. It would be like his own place. Just some thoughts..... A small home addition would be great if that is affordable.

KariSue
KariSue is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 01:31 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Blog Entries: 1
Winnie,
I'm sorry this has happened. :sorry
I know how you counted on this.
You are asking for suggestions and help. I can only tell you what has worked for us.
We allowed our son back home after hitting rock bottom. I sought help from this site from Parents as well as addicts. This is what i learned. They are "Master Manipulators".
This being said, it is how we have handled our son since. He is over 3 mos clean, w/ a new job and doing well.
There were no rules, no expectations, no defensive behaviour on our part. We no longer were allowing him to drag us into cave of demons and destruction. We spoke to him with respect, and walked away when we weren't being respected. No reaction. This was his demon to overcome, not ours. We simply walked away. We included him for dinner, and any time he made an effort to be a part of the family.
You have something going for you as he has been clean for quite a while now, so i think you will find him more rational to deal with. Take advantage of it. Show him as much as you can, the fun, clean part of life he was missing. Remember he has been locked up and on the run for months now.
I know my advice is not what you are expecting, but all the rules, confrontations, arguements, have gotten you no where but deeper down.
My only wish for you is that you are expecting the worst, but may possibly see a significent change in your son. I just want you to open your heart, a small hole perhaps, to give this a chance.
My grandmother gave me the best advise: When a child reaches the age of 14, you no longer need to be his mother, you need to be his GUIDE thru the rest of his life.
So Guide him Winnie, Have some faith.........We are all rooting for you.
And Maybe, just maybe......you may get your son back, and enjoy being a family again, as we are.
Susan
dslalonde is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 01:50 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
winnie12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Thank you Susan. you know i've tried so much of what has been suggested and i do think it works for some addicts but its just gotten me no where. I dont think i can step back into the warden mode again. There are some commonsense rules like no drugs in the house but maybe i do have to just see what he does with this opportunity. this does actually go along with my own personal boundries which is not affecting my serenity and that can only be affected if i jump back into the crazy mom role. His PO rules are going to be similar to what i would say anyway and he'll have those consequences.
winnie12 is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 02:36 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
cece1960's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,989
I too have tired of the warden role Winnie, and have a set up with my son (just turned 24) that might not work for others...but we're making steps in the right direction.

I tried everything when he was younger, but it seemed that the more I laid down the rules, the more I felt I needed to police the home. I know I had every right to enforce those rules, but it was taking its toll on me. He's relapsed hard since (after a few years of doing well) but this time around I protect my sanity and my "space" and try to leave his actions/consequences to him. He's doing OK...not perfect, but OK, and I feel much more at peace.

I'm not sure there's one answer to every scenraio, but I'm comfortable with things as they are at the moment, and know I have the right to adjust if need be down the road.

I wish you the very best (((Winnie)))
cece1960 is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 04:16 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Blog Entries: 1
It's true CeCe. The warden role is so detrimental to the parents and the child. This last year was full of my policeing, nagging, pushing, etc., it was so exhausting. I refused to do this again.
And to add to this, everyone kept telling me SET THE RULES, DOMINATE THEIR LIFE!
I just couldn't, and so I sought the help of Addicts. I wanted their view of life. It is an indeed dark and cold world, and yes, your son is in it, so was mine. To understand their role in this is heartbreaking, full of depression, anxiety, sexual manipulation, etc......One that you could never fathom existed. How and why would my son tumble down into this. Only someone who has been there can explain.
so, to do what alot have suggested here was not taken. I felt if my son felt this way, i did not need to add to his misery. He was already consumed. I refused to destroy him.
We do not seem to realize what toll this addiction takes on their lives. They feel worthless enough without being reminded of this over and over.
I knew he would try to manipulate, and i was prepared. but it was different this time. I just told him calmly what i had to say and walked away. Like he was a stranger. There were no suggestions, no confrontation.....
We could tell he was clean, and as the days past 2-3-4days, we realized he may be serious about this. Slowly he would join us and have frivolous conversation. We avoided all confrontation.
Then his dad took him on a skiing trip (which he loves and i may add is only a couple hrs drive). We never spoke of his drug use, not once, and at the end of the day, when they were in the hot tub, laughing at the day's falls and flips, their body's aching, did my husband ask him if he was finally "Done". He looked up and told his dad that he was "done". very seriously. then his dad told him it was time to begin his life.
We continued to keep all conversation on a positive note. Never allowing regressing.
Slowly, and i do mean slowly, still now, slowly, we watch him interact in normal society again.
He is completely away from all his old friends, and at times i feel sorry for him, as we are such a social family. And he was always so social. He sometimes speaks about how hard it is to make friends, not being loaded. He said it was so easy when he was loaded. Having been a heavy user for 2 years, he has had alot of alone time recently. but slowly the friends are being made, he actually eats now, (which has been a main concern of our after dropping 80lbs in the last 2 years). He even accepted a position with our company that he has refused for the last 2 years and loving it.
So, Winnie, I cannot guarantee this will work for you. But it is worth trying.
Nothing will be gained from rules. Leave this up to his PO. Assume the role of his guide and show him our peaceful and wonderful world. Be RESPECTFUL to him. It could be the best time of your life. I know we are so enjoying having our son again. I love to see his smile and talk of buying a new motorcycle, putting his check in the bank, the small accomplishments. But he is too. And your son will too.
Good luck Winne, Be positive!
Just sending hugs and smiles because after going thru what we have gone thru, makes us appreciate life so much more.
dslalonde is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 04:33 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Winnie, re the Intervention show -- I contacted them a year or more ago. I emailed back and forth to Jeff (he used to be on the show and he relapsed!) anyway, an Intervention seemed like the only way to go for our family and my AD. We did not go through the show. But through their guidance and common sense that was the approach we used. I thought there would be a great deal of red tape and hard to ever get a reply to an email - but it wasn't so -- dialog started right away and they did offer the intervention with treatment.
I have had it with the warden approach too -- it exhausts the warden - most of the contracts that were executed in my home where not adhered to -- again the warden is one who has to deal with the pain, exhaustion and disappointment.
PeaceTrain is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 05:11 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Winnie,

Sorry to hear of this news---

I wish I could enlighten you as to what kind of boundries would work with a teenager, haven't been through that end of addiction, so I am kind of at a loss.

I know with my teen son, it is very hard to enforce boundries, because he may sit and refuse to do anything I ask of him. In return -- all I can do is do NOTHING that he asks of me.

In addition, sometimes after school, he might just make a unilateral decision to go to his 'friends' house, and wont answer his phone, (if he's pissed at the rules at home).

Eventually he returns, and it is a complete power struggle.

All I can say, is that I pray for you and him.

YOU are a wonderful person, with a big heart.

In your case - you might HAVE to sit outside the school or whatever, to make sure he does what he must do, (according to your rules of the house). This takes so much work and effort- it shouldn't be this hard.

Hugs to you,
Love,
cess
cessy68 is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 05:44 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by dslalonde View Post
It's true CeCe. The warden role is so detrimental to the parents and the child. This last year was full of my policeing, nagging, pushing, etc., it was so exhausting. I refused to do this again.
And to add to this, everyone kept telling me SET THE RULES, DOMINATE THEIR LIFE!
I just couldn't, and so I sought the help of Addicts. I wanted their view of life. It is an indeed dark and cold world, and yes, your son is in it, so was mine. To understand their role in this is heartbreaking, full of depression, anxiety, sexual manipulation, etc......One that you could never fathom existed. How and why would my son tumble down into this. Only someone who has been there can explain.
so, to do what alot have suggested here was not taken. I felt if my son felt this way, i did not need to add to his misery. He was already consumed. I refused to destroy him.
We do not seem to realize what toll this addiction takes on their lives. They feel worthless enough without being reminded of this over and over.
I knew he would try to manipulate, and i was prepared. but it was different this time. I just told him calmly what i had to say and walked away. Like he was a stranger. There were no suggestions, no confrontation.....
We could tell he was clean, and as the days past 2-3-4days, we realized he may be serious about this. Slowly he would join us and have frivolous conversation. We avoided all confrontation.
Then his dad took him on a skiing trip (which he loves and i may add is only a couple hrs drive). We never spoke of his drug use, not once, and at the end of the day, when they were in the hot tub, laughing at the day's falls and flips, their body's aching, did my husband ask him if he was finally "Done". He looked up and told his dad that he was "done". very seriously. then his dad told him it was time to begin his life.
We continued to keep all conversation on a positive note. Never allowing regressing.
Slowly, and i do mean slowly, still now, slowly, we watch him interact in normal society again.
He is completely away from all his old friends, and at times i feel sorry for him, as we are such a social family. And he was always so social. He sometimes speaks about how hard it is to make friends, not being loaded. He said it was so easy when he was loaded. Having been a heavy user for 2 years, he has had alot of alone time recently. but slowly the friends are being made, he actually eats now, (which has been a main concern of our after dropping 80lbs in the last 2 years). He even accepted a position with our company that he has refused for the last 2 years and loving it.
So, Winnie, I cannot guarantee this will work for you. But it is worth trying.
Nothing will be gained from rules. Leave this up to his PO. Assume the role of his guide and show him our peaceful and wonderful world. Be RESPECTFUL to him. It could be the best time of your life. I know we are so enjoying having our son again. I love to see his smile and talk of buying a new motorcycle, putting his check in the bank, the small accomplishments. But he is too. And your son will too.
Good luck Winne, Be positive!
Just sending hugs and smiles because after going thru what we have gone thru, makes us appreciate life so much more.
Yours is a very thought provoking post. I never had to go through that because when my son was a teen and using I didn't know he was using. Now that he is an adult, I can choose to have him leave.

I think your approach is wonderful and I wouldn't want to police either. I just can't figure out how you did it. It sounds like at that point your son was finished on his own but what if he wouldn't have been? If, by law, you can't tell a minor to leave and he is using then what?

I can see ignoring bad behavior/detaching up to a point but if you tell him something calmly and then walk away and later see him doing drugs in his room, for example, then what? Do you just ignore it? What if he steals from you as my son has? In that case, maybe you would just call the police? I'm just asking cause I don't honestly know exactly how your approach would work under those circumstances.

Say you didn't see him but you found drug paraphnelia (sp?) and you felt sure he was using although you didn't witness it. If you don't do some policing then how can you live peacfully in your own house? I couldn't live peacefully if I knew it was going on.

The only way I could think to do it would be to test him regularly but then that again is policing. So how do you NOT police a teen that must live with you? I mean if he is not finished using. I'm wondering if your way worked because your son was finished anyway.

I'm so happy for you though. It must be wonderful to see him recover. All the best to you.

KariSue
KariSue is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 06:40 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
winnie, i am wondering how u r & if he has gotten home. just sending up prayers & sending a hug to you.
hope213 is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 07:16 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Winnie)))

Just thinking about you. I WILL be glad to come over any time....just let me know. I'll even bring some food/shakes from work

The more time I spend with Brit, I don't think there IS a right/wrong way to deal with a teen, and throw in addiction and wow!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 06-03-2009, 08:35 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
cece1960's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,989
I think I might need to clarify my last post a bit in that I didn't ignore my son's bad behavior...I gave him a chance while he showed that he was trying to change his life. This was back when when he was younger. Things finally came to a head and it was rehab or out...he chose rehab.

He then struggled, bounced back (repeat) but each time I saw longer and longer spells of him not using...so I decided to hang in. It was hard and not something I would advise, but eventually he brought himself to the point of a very extended period of not using.

Fast forward to a work accident and surgery, pain pills followed and he spiraled down. I came to the point that I had to admit that "I" had relapsed also...let the blinders be placed.

That was a few months ago and I had to batten down the hatches until he, once again, respected the rules of my home. The biggest is no drug use.

He's back for now, we have a good relationship, but I no longer look to "see" if he is using again. He knows my rules and if he chooses to break them, the door closes.

But, my son is not a minor. I have choices. I'm afraid I don't have answers for dealing with a minor.

Winnie..perhaps the PO could help you set up a plan, in case you need help?
cece1960 is offline  
Old 06-04-2009, 05:39 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
winnie12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I really appreciate all the advice - i have to say that i am surprised to hear some of the mom's saying to step back in a different way - kinda relieved to get that advice because i think that this is what HP was trying to tell me to do. If what you've always done doesnt work then do something else. I really think i need to step back and see what he does with it. not as a patsy or enabler but outside his circle.

i talked to his PO late yesterday - she said she expects him to be released today or tomorrow. The PO will have stringent rules on him, he'll probably be on house arrest for a while, subject to drug tests (just not as frequent as the county does so not sure what good that will do), hopefully she'll require GED, she is trying to get him into an outpatient program that will be ordered and of course all the general probation rules - not hanging out with other's with a record, no drugs, curfew, etc. my rules have always been pretty similar to those.

I do also want to make it clear that when i say i'm tired of policing him it doesnt mean i'll accept unacceptable behavior in my home. If he breaks probation i will turn him in - there is never to be drugs in my home nor can he come here under the infulence because i have an 11 yo here and she is not going to be subjected to that. These are the things that do affect my life so that's where i draw the line but i'm not going to run around crazy trying to make sure he's not breaking rules or playing private detective with a handful of drugtests in my toolbelt.
winnie12 is offline  
Old 06-04-2009, 09:02 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,614
Blog Entries: 8
Sending extra hugs and prayers today, Winnie. I'm glad you are laying the groundwork, laying the rules, and then letting him deal within the rules or with the consequences....

HG
Seren is offline  
Old 06-04-2009, 02:02 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Blog Entries: 1
Winnie,
I agree, that your HP is speaking to you. Just want you to give it a chance, ok.
I just want you to re-read what i have written, and for every confrontation look back on it.
I did this with a Nyte's post. She was so influential to me.
When he comes home, hugs are essential, touch him often. Keep conversations light.
He is dealing with as much or more than you are. Take full advantage of every clean moment you have with him, talking to him, reminding him of good days gone by. Touch him some more, let yourself love him and enjoy him. He may surprise you in how very sensitive he really is.
One of the things that bothered me before, is making other people responsible to help with my son, the state, the police, etc......... It almost drove me crazy because at some point we have to realize that we are their parents and responsible. There is no real answer to why they choose Drugs, other than lacking in self confidence & self loathing. Almost every addict tells me this. What brings them to this is circumstances beyond parent control.
I know what led my son to this, and i have a feeling you may know what led to your son's self loathing.
Kari Sue,
you are right, what do you do if the drugs are in the home? do you turn him in?
Absolutely. Winnie has the PO and court system behind her. And her son is very aware of this, thus taking alot of the pressure off of her. He now knows, she (Winnie) has every intention of following these rules.
But, what i am telling you all, he will avoid at all costs being locked up again. He will re-think his actions.
What transpires in the next several months is crucial. Definetly get him back in school for his GED, then go farther. Find what inspires him and give him every opportunity to acheive.
Yes, maybe my son was finished, but you could not tell this when he walked back in the doors of our home. He was angry and resentful. Blaming everything on every one else.
The same mean, skrawny, and resentful son that left our home.
I really don't think he had any intention of givingup anything, but because he was out of money and options, he came home to manipulate himself back home.
When i did not react to his accusations, just walked away, no reaction, i think he realized that his manipulation tactics would no longer work. And when i realized i had not touched my son in over 2 years, I made myself touch him when i spoke to him. But i spoke to him respectfully, no matter what.
Slowly, he would work his way upstairs and join in the conversation. He began opening up more, but you are right, HE made the decision to stay clean. It was extreemly hard for him, and still is. I see him struggle with it everyday. But i have also gained so much respect for him for doing this on his own. And i suspect with all of your son's interaction and interference of PO's and court appt. officials, he too, can't wait to be free of this. Trust what you have taught your son, it will come thru given a chance.
Through all of this, i have learned no hard core tactics work. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, respectfully. And most of all, learn to love him again.
Susan
dslalonde is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:43 PM.