Is It Possible to Really Detach?
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Is It Possible to Really Detach?
My AD has been on drugs of one variety or another for 9 - 10 years. She is now 25. She has attended two rehabs, meetings, etc. She lives with her Dad, also her chief (only) enabler.
I have worked on my own recovery for about the last three years. Prior to that I was a detective and a nut - following her and all the other things codies do, I did them in spades.
Last year we had an intervention and she spent three months in treatment, only to come out in October using again and seemingly proud of it. Since that time I have little f2f contact with her, mostly via phone. Well,
things went from bad to worse and she had a one month free treatment in her last rehab as a relapse guaranty. SHE called and she is now in detox and will start treatment when that is finished.
I am happy she called them, I am happy she will be staring treatment, I am hopeful for the future, yet will take it one day at a time. My problem is detachment.
Last year when she was going into treatment, my jaw popped out. This is so painful and I still have problems a year later. Now, the last 10 days while waiting for her to enter treatment - my back has popped out and is very painful. I work out regularly (stress reduction for me). My point is, even when we feel we have detached - our bodies know the truth.
Some one on these boards said it before, Loving an Addict is Not for Weenies - I agree.
Thanks,
Diane
I have worked on my own recovery for about the last three years. Prior to that I was a detective and a nut - following her and all the other things codies do, I did them in spades.
Last year we had an intervention and she spent three months in treatment, only to come out in October using again and seemingly proud of it. Since that time I have little f2f contact with her, mostly via phone. Well,
things went from bad to worse and she had a one month free treatment in her last rehab as a relapse guaranty. SHE called and she is now in detox and will start treatment when that is finished.
I am happy she called them, I am happy she will be staring treatment, I am hopeful for the future, yet will take it one day at a time. My problem is detachment.
Last year when she was going into treatment, my jaw popped out. This is so painful and I still have problems a year later. Now, the last 10 days while waiting for her to enter treatment - my back has popped out and is very painful. I work out regularly (stress reduction for me). My point is, even when we feel we have detached - our bodies know the truth.
Some one on these boards said it before, Loving an Addict is Not for Weenies - I agree.
Thanks,
Diane
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I've had to initiate no-contact with my son. I gotta be honest, he had not done nearly the things i read about on these posts that addicts can and do to their family - but i had to go no contact because it was just dragging me down - especially the last time when, instead of deciding to go into treatment, he found himself another enabler - this time in the form of a girlfriend to shack up with.
wow, one of your phrases got me - "seemingly proud of it." Yep, that's what I see in AS - he is seemingly proud of the fact that he made it through 3 months of boot-camp jail and survived it, just overall seemingly proud that he has been able to bounce out of the crisis he's in and survived it without having to do that "clean and sober" thing...
In answer to your post, though, i think the answer is no, when the addict is our child, we don't really get to a point where it's truly forgotten. It's always in the back of our minds - every day. But now that i've had this "no contact" for a while, it really is better for me than when I knew the details of his life. I don't know if he has another pet that I worry about being neglected, i don't really know if he's about to be evicted that I would worry about. And like they say, if mama's happy then the whole house is happy. In other words, it really is better for my son because when I do see him i am calmer. and it is definitely better for my other grown kids because they do deserve a mother who is "there" for them - after all, they have made good choices and so they should be getting all the grease of me (as in, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease").
Hope that helps.
I'd like to hear from the recovering addicts on this one - did you seek recovery because one of your parents said something that clicked - or was it someone else or something else that caused your brain to "click?"
wow, one of your phrases got me - "seemingly proud of it." Yep, that's what I see in AS - he is seemingly proud of the fact that he made it through 3 months of boot-camp jail and survived it, just overall seemingly proud that he has been able to bounce out of the crisis he's in and survived it without having to do that "clean and sober" thing...
In answer to your post, though, i think the answer is no, when the addict is our child, we don't really get to a point where it's truly forgotten. It's always in the back of our minds - every day. But now that i've had this "no contact" for a while, it really is better for me than when I knew the details of his life. I don't know if he has another pet that I worry about being neglected, i don't really know if he's about to be evicted that I would worry about. And like they say, if mama's happy then the whole house is happy. In other words, it really is better for my son because when I do see him i am calmer. and it is definitely better for my other grown kids because they do deserve a mother who is "there" for them - after all, they have made good choices and so they should be getting all the grease of me (as in, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease").
Hope that helps.
I'd like to hear from the recovering addicts on this one - did you seek recovery because one of your parents said something that clicked - or was it someone else or something else that caused your brain to "click?"
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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Detachment doesnt mean that you dont love them or care. its very different - its knowing what problems, situations and consequences lie with them. It is taking ownership for our own life and allow another human being to take ownership of theirs.
a wise friend of mine told me recently that once i let go of my AS's life and leave it up to him i can be free to love him again as a mom. Detachment does not mean that you wont feel pain it means that you wont feel responsible for what they inflict upon themselves. i know last week after my son's hearing i came home feeling like i was run over by a truck - everytime there is a change in course in his life i do feel it physically but that's just when i know that its time to stop and take things slowly and work on myself.
a wise friend of mine told me recently that once i let go of my AS's life and leave it up to him i can be free to love him again as a mom. Detachment does not mean that you wont feel pain it means that you wont feel responsible for what they inflict upon themselves. i know last week after my son's hearing i came home feeling like i was run over by a truck - everytime there is a change in course in his life i do feel it physically but that's just when i know that its time to stop and take things slowly and work on myself.
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Originally Posted by sojourner 
I'd like to hear from the recovering addicts on this one - did you seek recovery because one of your parents said something that clicked - or was it someone else or something else that caused your brain to "click?"
I was literally days away from death when I went to rehab.
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Sojourner,
I am sure her surrender had nothing to do with something that I have said. In fact, whenever, I started to talk about getting clean and sober and its benefits, she would hang up on me! Something clicked within her and just for today -- that is fine with me.
I am sure her surrender had nothing to do with something that I have said. In fact, whenever, I started to talk about getting clean and sober and its benefits, she would hang up on me! Something clicked within her and just for today -- that is fine with me.
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There is a story in "Addict in the Family" (Bev Conyers) where a recovering addict relates that it took her mom years to move emotionally closer to her recovering AD. The daughter would say, "Hey mom, i got my 1-year chip, 2-year chip, etc." Mom would only say something to the effect of ,"that's good, get another one" and basically stay away from the daughter. But finally the mom got to the point where she actually attended the meeting where the daughter got a year-chip. I can surmise that, up to that point, mother just was not going to set herself up for heartache regarding her daughter. But i can also surmise that the mother did not go one day without thinking of her daughter, praying for her, questioning if she was doing the right thing by staying distant, questioning her motives for staying distant and if they were the right motives, etc.
In answer to your OP, as far as myself, it's new territory. Am i doing the right thing? Am i alienating my son forever? Am i doing more damage to him here? If something horrible happens to him, will i have regrets for the rest of my life? I have to defer to addiction counselors and recovering people who assure me that emotional detachment is extremely important. And i found that i could not emotionally detach unless I physically detached to the point where i'll probably send him an e-mail wishing him happy birthday, but i really do not want to see him because i do not want to try to have a "normal" relationship with him. Plus i have red flags that his addiction has moved to the point of justifying more criminal behavior (as in my own home) and especially because he has a girlfriend whom i do not know anything about and do not want her in my home because i'm assuming her addict brain is also scoping the place out for possible material goods. I'm accepting that the addicted brain is morally corrupt if not now then later.
But this AS is on my mind every single day and i do not expect that to change....
In answer to your OP, as far as myself, it's new territory. Am i doing the right thing? Am i alienating my son forever? Am i doing more damage to him here? If something horrible happens to him, will i have regrets for the rest of my life? I have to defer to addiction counselors and recovering people who assure me that emotional detachment is extremely important. And i found that i could not emotionally detach unless I physically detached to the point where i'll probably send him an e-mail wishing him happy birthday, but i really do not want to see him because i do not want to try to have a "normal" relationship with him. Plus i have red flags that his addiction has moved to the point of justifying more criminal behavior (as in my own home) and especially because he has a girlfriend whom i do not know anything about and do not want her in my home because i'm assuming her addict brain is also scoping the place out for possible material goods. I'm accepting that the addicted brain is morally corrupt if not now then later.
But this AS is on my mind every single day and i do not expect that to change....
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(((Sojourner)))
I know I've mentioned this several times before, but I was basically the one that maintained the no contact with my dad when I was using. I lived almost 2 hours away and was on the streets. He would come find me, every few months, take me and buy us some lunch and we'd eat it in the park. Then he would drop me back off on the street. One time he came and I didn't want to come out of the abandoned house I was smoking crack in..my XABF almost had to drag me out.
NOW I feel horrible for what I put my dad through, and I know that it hurt him and he did think of me every day. However, he also went on with life. He and my stepmom are raising my niece and SHE needed their attention.
Nothing he, or anyone else said, made me seek recovery. It was mainly the fact that I got tired of the bad consequences piling up. The biggest thing my dad DID do to help, though, was to go on living his life. When he talks about anything during those years, it was what he did...not "when you were out there". Heck, he can't even tell you what years I WAS out there, and I'm glad. He's very proud of me, but he can't tell you how long I've been clean. He knows I'm clean today
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know I've mentioned this several times before, but I was basically the one that maintained the no contact with my dad when I was using. I lived almost 2 hours away and was on the streets. He would come find me, every few months, take me and buy us some lunch and we'd eat it in the park. Then he would drop me back off on the street. One time he came and I didn't want to come out of the abandoned house I was smoking crack in..my XABF almost had to drag me out.
NOW I feel horrible for what I put my dad through, and I know that it hurt him and he did think of me every day. However, he also went on with life. He and my stepmom are raising my niece and SHE needed their attention.
Nothing he, or anyone else said, made me seek recovery. It was mainly the fact that I got tired of the bad consequences piling up. The biggest thing my dad DID do to help, though, was to go on living his life. When he talks about anything during those years, it was what he did...not "when you were out there". Heck, he can't even tell you what years I WAS out there, and I'm glad. He's very proud of me, but he can't tell you how long I've been clean. He knows I'm clean today
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect;2247288I know I've mentioned this several times before, but [B
I[/B] was basically the one that maintained the no contact with my dad when I was using.
My parents had no idea that I had been taken to rehab till I called them from there the second or third day.
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I think we have to let the addicts in recovery lead us and give us their wealth of wisdom.If we have never had addiction issues, it is hard to relate to the tough love and detachment proposed by the Nar-Anon, Alanon, counsellors and those who have been there. It does seem contrary to what we have been told by experts that what we should do to be a good mother. But there comes a time, to release our adult children to their own HP. but of course, we never stop thinking about them, praying for them, loving them, etc.
Sadly, addiction diminishes hope. I know there is always hope, but I have been conditioned over the last few years to -- Take one day at a time. And work on my own Greater Good.
Sadly, addiction diminishes hope. I know there is always hope, but I have been conditioned over the last few years to -- Take one day at a time. And work on my own Greater Good.
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I just want to take PeaceTrain for her post and to everyone who responsed with such passion and thought.
Reading others remarks helped me to put some of my emotions in place and to realize that when we 'detach', we still love. Do we
suffer with our decisions - I do. But I know that it's best for the addict to let him/her go.
My AS is still in his therapeutic community, down from 120 mg. of methadone to 5! This was all his doing from finding it, to getting himself admitted with welfare paying for the it. But he had to do it himself.
Thanks again.
Reading others remarks helped me to put some of my emotions in place and to realize that when we 'detach', we still love. Do we
suffer with our decisions - I do. But I know that it's best for the addict to let him/her go.
My AS is still in his therapeutic community, down from 120 mg. of methadone to 5! This was all his doing from finding it, to getting himself admitted with welfare paying for the it. But he had to do it himself.
Thanks again.
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