worried tonight rebec here

Old 05-28-2009, 03:16 PM
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worried tonight rebec here

I am all of a sudden concerned that the recovering addict of 3 years that you all now decided he wanted to go out with a recovering addict and not me is having problems. I feel that he might be feeling stressed. I guess he has his program and if he feels stressed he can go to his meetings. I was texting him and calling him almost everday and I have totally stopped all that since his decision. I just feel why should I continue calling and texting right?
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Old 05-28-2009, 04:00 PM
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I think this is where alot of us women get caught up in the "relationship" and ultimately lose ourselves. That is my perspective. That is where I saw myself going off into the deep end. His problems became mine (more then they were his) I was doing and fixing and making things happen. This took a toll on myself. Caused resentments and anger.

With those feelings they brought in the need to feel "needed" to make the anger and resentment go away.

It wasnt until I stepped back and really looked at myself that I realized all of this. We are women who are beautiful, kind, caring, loyal creatures and we should be honoring ourselves and not other people.

If you live your own life and feel your own feelings (instead of someone "making" you feel a certain way) when things like what happened to you wont be such a big deal. You realize it was them and not you and you go on with the confidence of that knowledge......
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Old 05-28-2009, 07:47 PM
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Thanks so much for sharing that with me. I am fine once again. I know I am a beautiful, caring, hard working woman, an I like treating people with the utmost respect. Yes I am not perfect and may say something without first thinking the consequence of what I say, and sometimes I do not finish mny sentences and keep men thinking gee I wonder what she ment by that. But if they would hang around long enough to get to know mw they might come to adore me.
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Old 05-29-2009, 04:28 PM
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Today is a new day and I am getting better actually I am just about 99% over it. I guess I am not really keeping addicts or alcoholics interested in me and I think that is a major improovement in my recovery. I hope to attract a really healthy man next time and I am still going to continue to post here and keep going to Al-anon. Thanks everyone
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Old 05-29-2009, 05:22 PM
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I hope you do continue to post here, and I know Alanon has helped me so much in all areas of my life. :ghug :ghug
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Old 05-30-2009, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by rebec View Post
Today is a new day and I am getting better actually I am just about 99% over it. I guess I am not really keeping addicts or alcoholics interested in me and I think that is a major improovement in my recovery. I hope to attract a really healthy man next time and I am still going to continue to post here and keep going to Al-anon. Thanks everyone
I held back on posting to you for a while but now gotta spill out a long message as you are similar to I was when i was younger.

Darlin the trick here is not to keep addics or alcoholics from being attracted to you its for you to stop getting into relationships with them! I went through counseling a few years ago - full of self-pity and the victim mentality I asked my counselor why these men are always attracted to me and he said "no the question is why are YOU attracted to them." See, it's me not them - i have the choice of who I get into a relationship with. If someone with an addiction problem (or any other out of control situations) asks you out - you say no upfront and then your heart never gets into this sitaution. You are the one with the choice and so far you've been choosing broken men. Now the next question you have to deal with is why do you like broken men? For me, it was because i didnt feel good enough about myself - thought only a broken man could accept me and I felt like i had to earn their love by helping them fix their problems, I also thrived on the drama. Now that i acknowledge this and i'm fixing my own brokeness, i wont be involved with someone who has these problems - instead i want someone who has their life together (I'm not saying they have to be perfect people just not broken).

Before i would consider going out with a man i want to know they can hold a job (not for money but responsibility), i want to know how much they drink, do they do drugs, how much time they spend in bars, do they have their own place (or are they living with friends/parents - again responsibility) what their last gf was like and how long it lasted (if he dogs her too much its a bad sign),what are their goals, and do they have any spirtuality (not talking religion just are they in a spiritual place in their life). its not an inquisition just things that people should talk about "BEFORE" they get involved and while they are getting to know each other. So these are my boundaries - you have to decide your own but we can put boundaries on ourselves to keep us from making the same bad mistakes. When we go through things like this we learn lessons - if we dont learn the lesson then it will keep presenting itself until we do. Took me 20 years but i finally have learned the lesson i needed when it came to men. I hope it doesnt take you as long as it did me!!!!

So think about upgrading your standards on the men you date - accept your role in the game and get to know yourself a little better - find out why you make the choices you do so that you dont make them again. You sound like someone with a lot of love to give so save that love for someone who is deserving of you and is going to make your life better not someone who is going to bring you down.
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Old 05-30-2009, 11:08 AM
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Hi Rebec

Remember calling, texting, whatever, is not going to work with an addict! The more pressure you put on them the more they go underground! Leave him alone, his problems are his alone!

Move on with your life. Take care of you! Enjoy each day! Life is so short!

This advice was brought to you directly from a CODIE MOTHER who has learned that you cannot live someone elses' life! Damn, I tried really hard for 35 years!!

You might even say that I wasn't a real fast learner!

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 05-30-2009, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by winnie12
So think about upgrading your standards on the men you date - accept your role in the game and get to know yourself a little better - find out why you make the choices you do so that you dont make them again. You sound like someone with a lot of love to give so save that love for someone who is deserving of you and is going to make your life better not someone who is going to bring you down

I really like what ((((winnie12)))) said here. I hope you will consider memorizing this. I know I will.
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Old 06-01-2009, 07:35 AM
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K I met this man who has been in recovery for 3 years. Does that make him undatable? Isn't he trying to live a normal life as myself? Honestly if it were not for him I would of never started Al_anon again. I felt very comftorble with the fact that he was in recovery of drugs not alcohol. I have to admit that I was wrong in jumping into a relationship to fast with him. I was just getting over a very short lived relationship of 6 weeks which felt like 3 months. I noticed after a while that this man was drinking way to much but until I said something to him that he did not like and he answered me in a very derogotry way, did I finally see what an alcoholic he really was. Thanks so much for all your post but I need an answer on the beginning of this post.
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Old 06-01-2009, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by rebec View Post
K I met this man who has been in recovery for 3 years. Does that make him undatable? Isn't he trying to live a normal life as myself? Honestly if it were not for him I would of never started Al_anon again. I felt very comftorble with the fact that he was in recovery of drugs not alcohol. I have to admit that I was wrong in jumping into a relationship to fast with him. I was just getting over a very short lived relationship of 6 weeks which felt like 3 months. I noticed after a while that this man was drinking way to much but until I said something to him that he did not like and he answered me in a very derogotry way, did I finally see what an alcoholic he really was. Thanks so much for all your post but I need an answer on the beginning of this post.
I'm confused. Who was drinking too much? The guy you were involved with for 6 weeks, or the other guy?
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Old 06-01-2009, 08:37 AM
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A man with three years sober is not undateable - you just need to be careful. It sounds like you jump into relationships a bit fast to me. Addict or not - relationships take time to develop and it takes time to really get to know someone - there is a huge difference between love and infatuation or lust. Maybe you just need to slow things down a bit and not rush in - you seem to be giving your heart before you get to know these men and your heart is something you should protect because no one else is going to do that for you.
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Old 06-01-2009, 12:10 PM
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Hi Winnie the guy that I was involved with for 6 weeks not the second one. I got into the second one way to fast. But I will say that if it were not for the recovering addict I would not have found this group or go back to Al-anon. I see now that my addiction is in relationships with men. I also know though that it is getting easier for me to get out especially the first one I was with since I saw for the first time in years how alcohol can change a perfectly fun sweet man into a monster. The second one I dated for a small time was more his looks I guess but also his demeanor and his kindness. However I barely knew him and I already felt a trememndous liking to him in more than just his looks. I am thankful I met him though and that I had a short time with him too. I have not heard from him since last Monday and I have not called or text him either. I would of done both long ago but I know it is best to let him go. He is working his program I suppose and I sure am working mine. I have had problems with addiction and wondering if I should attend AA meetings or just stick to Al-anon. Thanks again
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