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Will I ever fully trust him again?

Old 05-28-2009, 08:47 AM
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Will I ever fully trust him again?

Husband is addicted to Vicodin. Went through inpatient rehab 3 years ago. We separated a year later, as he was obviously using again. We reconciled about 3 months later. He was well for a while, but then 6 months later he began using heavily again. This time, he received outpatient treatment with suboxone. It's been almost a year, and he has remained clean. Our relationship, has suffered through all of this. Will I ever fully trust him again? Looking for tips from others on how to let the suspicion go. Any behaviors that COULD be related to him using are always questioned by me and have been unfounded now for almost a year. I know I need to let it go and try to trust him again. It's SOOO hard, as all of you surely know. Any suggestions? Part of me just says to stop worrying and live my life, remain hopeful, and let the cards fall where they may. If he does start using again, there is nothing I can do. So why worry? It's out of my control. Need some words of wisdom and encouragement ...
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
a relapse is kind of like an earthquake....we never know WHEN one will hit, and we certainly can't hide in the bunker 24/7 just in case, but we CAN adopt an "emergency" plan....we've been told to Drop Cover Hold should an earthquake strike and to have an emergency kit set aside....3 days worth of food and water, batteries, flashlight, canned goods, etc....our boundaries work in much the same way....we have them on hand and at the ready SHOULD we need them.....and that frees us to move on about our days and our lives with confidence. we can't prevent earthquakes, or relapses, we can however be prepared, in the event......
ANVIL!!!!! I LOVE that!!!!!! That is such good advice. I never thought of looking at it that way~! Way to put it in perspective!
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:39 AM
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That earthquake analogy is pretty good, except for one thing. Earthquakes will happen, a relapse may not. But enough nit-picking on my part...

Don't know if this will help or not. I've not had your experience as I'm on the other side. My situation with my wife is similar with the relapsing, multiple treatments, etc. We have never been divorced or separated though.

It's been made clear to me on more than one occaision that her biggest issue with me is trust. I can't count how many times I've lied about drinking/using and been caught in the past.

And I can't tell you where she is at with that. You would have to ask her. But it does seem like things are pretty good now - been sober going on 23 months now.

My thought is that actions speak louder than words. So I let my actions speak for me. I'm heavily involved with a AA and the 12 steps. And I make every effort to be as honest as I possibly can (except when she asks how she looks in something - HA!).

And really, though this may not be a good thing, it's not necessarily my own sense of morailty that drives the need I have to be honest with her - though I wish it was. It's that I feel I owe it to her, that I somehow need to make up for all the lies. But that's probably another topic altogether.

Bottom line is that I think it is possible, but it's more dependent upon him than you. As you said, you have no control. So why worry?
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:55 AM
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Thanks!

Thanks for your posts. I find that questioning my husband about anything only drives us further apart ... it negates any progress we have made in the prior months. I guess I need to focus on the Let Go, Let God mantra. Only my husband is responsible for his behavior ... not me. God knows it is not healthy to live in fear and mistrust every day. I want so badly to believe in my husband, but there is always an inkling of doubt in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it is that safety net in preparation for a possible earthquake? Maybe I just need to accept this and try to live with joy and gratitude for each day.
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Old 05-28-2009, 11:07 AM
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Hopeful,

Just your username implies that you are, indeed, optimistic (at the very least) about your husband's recovery. However, it is your husband's recovery, which means he is entitled to go on his own journey, whatever relapses and experiences that may include. Any time someone you love or care about betrays your trust, you wrestle with so many emotions: insecurities from your own personal past with others (be it past lovers or friends and family members), you wonder if you'll ever be able to get past this current obstacle, and you recognize the warning signs of someone you blatantly disrespected you and endangered themself. What you need to do is really tune into ways of coping on your own as opposed to ways of coping strictly with your husband's addiction. Life throws curveballs, put on your game face and thinking hat and focus on your own journey. The more you can enjoy the process of life, the better your life will be.

Hugs & support,
Rach
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Old 05-28-2009, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by 123bubblegum123 View Post
Hopeful,

What you need to do is really tune into ways of coping on your own as opposed to ways of coping strictly with your husband's addiction. Life throws curveballs, put on your game face and thinking hat and focus on your own journey. The more you can enjoy the process of life, the better your life will be.

Hugs & support,
Rach
Thanks, Rach. You are so right. It's easy to forget to keep the focus on yourself instead of worrying about your loved one. I am going to try to remember to "put on my game face" every morning and tackle whatever comes that day. Sometimes I get so consumed with worry and doubt that I forget to "enjoy the process of life." The curveballs that life throws us sometimes makes us doubt who we are .. or were. Our experiences mold and shape us. Even the bad ones can help us to grow stronger and wiser. I just have to remember that my husband's addiction didn't change who I am as a person ... it just changed what I have to deal with each day. REmembering to focus on myself and deal with my OWN issues instead of worrying about his is great advice! Thanks, Girl!
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Old 05-28-2009, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopeful Still View Post
Husband is addicted to Vicodin. Went through inpatient rehab 3 years ago. We separated a year later, as he was obviously using again. We reconciled about 3 months later. He was well for a while, but then 6 months later he began using heavily again. This time, he received outpatient treatment with suboxone. It's been almost a year, and he has remained clean. Our relationship, has suffered through all of this. Will I ever fully trust him again? Looking for tips from others on how to let the suspicion go. Any behaviors that COULD be related to him using are always questioned by me and have been unfounded now for almost a year. I know I need to let it go and try to trust him again. It's SOOO hard, as all of you surely know. Any suggestions? Part of me just says to stop worrying and live my life, remain hopeful, and let the cards fall where they may. If he does start using again, there is nothing I can do. So why worry? It's out of my control. Need some words of wisdom and encouragement ...
I also am struggling to believe my husband is clean from vicodin.

All I can tell you is that if you still love him and want your marriage to make it then you need to know that your problems trusting him are just as harmful to your relationship as a relapse on his part would be.

I am trying hard to let what happens happen without me constantly trying to figure out what, if anything, he is up to. I can tell you without a doubt that right now that is easier said than done but I know that on days that my work keeps me super busy I am so much more able to say, with meaning, I have no control over him and that is OK. I know that I have to work on it daily and hopefully it will soon be that I dont HAVE to be busy to not be dwelling on it.
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Old 05-28-2009, 01:17 PM
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Suspicious, we are both in exactly the same position, it seems. It rings SOOO true what you say about distrust being equally as harmful to a marriage as a relapse. We both need to continue to keep busy, as you say, and worry about ourselves and not our husbands. It's so hard when trying to voice concerns to family members and friends who have not been through this. Comforting to know that others do understand and know exactly what I am talking about! Hang in there, Suspicious, and I will do the same! Thanks for your post.
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Old 05-28-2009, 01:25 PM
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Action does speak much louder than words. Watch the actions.

There are days when I wake up and immediately I go into full-blown suspicious mode and can easily convince myself and anybody else who will listen that either my AH has relapsed or getting ready to relapse. I (me) make myself crazy. AH is fine. AH is doing what he's supposed to be doing and doing it right and living his happy recovered life while I'm still flopping around trying to put two and two together.

About 2 weeks ago, a friend who I ran to in my "crisis" told me to envision myself carrying my husband in my arms like a child (ha, ha - he's 6'4" & 300 lbs) and laying him at the alter, at God's feet.

I have done it and it's been the most liberating thing I've ever done. When I start feeling that itch to go verbally fishing with my husband, question everything, check his phone log - whatever, I stop and envision the scenerio where I walk up and lay him at Christ's feet and walk away. I've finally figured out that I can't help him but I know who can and in the meantime.....I'm going to let God take care of me instead of resisting it and I'm going to step out of the way and let Him deal with my husband. I think he has tried but I jumped in the middle and I'm sure, thwarted some plans.

Bottom line is....the past two weeks have been the best I've had in over 2 years and over the weekend, AH even told me that not only did he really enjoy the weekend, he enjoyed the week leading up to the weekend. He said I didn't nag him or ride him all week. I barely noticed. I was concentrating on me, my job, my program and the children.
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Old 05-28-2009, 01:44 PM
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What a beautiful thing to envision, Mrs. Magoo. I, too, have most certainly thwarted God's plans from time to time with my suspicions. I do try to remember that God will take care of my husband and has his own plans for him, but sometimes I butt in! So easy to do, I think. I will keep the picture your friend suggested to you on my heart and try to live by those words. This forum is wonderful. I had forgotten how encouraging it can be relating to others in the same situation. Thanks so much, all!
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Old 05-28-2009, 05:49 PM
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Do you have kids? I do , little ones and that magnifies the old habits etc that i see that are cause for concern. Having kids makes you twice as paranoid and protective.Sometimes i think im looking for something even if it's not there. Its really hard to start trusting when someone has lied and manipulated you for a long time. My wife is 90 days clean and i have a long road ahead.
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Old 05-29-2009, 05:27 AM
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Yes, have 2 kids, ages 10 and 13. My husband and I separated about a year and a half ago. I told him before that I wouldn't raise my kids in an alcoholic/drug abusing environment. The kids and I moved in with my parents and lived there for about 4 months. Kids had to change schools, and it was a very tumultuous time for them.

We had divorce papers just weeks away from being filed, and he really seemed to turn himself around and was doing great. We hadn't gone to any sort of counseling, so we decided to reconcile and go to counseling together. We did go, but not for long. He was doing okay, but then only 6 months after we moved back home, kids back in old schools, etc., he was using heavily. He did the suboxone and has been about a year clean now, to my knowledge.

Like everyone else, he is facing uncertainty with his job in the automotive industry, very stressed, etc. He is very irritable, flies off the handle, and I really am suspicious. Everyone says have a plan. Not sure what to do if he is using again. I can't put my kids through a change of schools again. Almost divorcing really took its toll on them, and now every time we argue they think we are going back down that road. We assure them that everyone argues and it doesn't mean they're divorcing.

I guess now I have to figure out how to live with him if he is using. I have resigned myself from searching his car, looking for pills. Not sure that is helpful to me or the situation. Anyone have advice on living with addiction, making the choice to stay? I am really trying to "let go, let God," but if he is using again we will surely go down with him. After all, it costs money to use. And he always turns his paranoia and anger around on me and makes me look like the one who is "irrational" and "pissed off all the time." Hesitate to talk to my family about this ... don't want to worry them. Trying to deal with it on my own. Help...
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Old 05-29-2009, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopeful Still View Post
Like everyone else, he is facing uncertainty with his job in the automotive industry, very stressed, etc. He is very irritable, flies off the handle, and I really am suspicious. Everyone says have a plan. Not sure what to do if he is using again. I can't put my kids through a change of schools again. Almost divorcing really took its toll on them, and now every time we argue they think we are going back down that road. We assure them that everyone argues and it doesn't mean they're divorcing.

I guess now I have to figure out how to live with him if he is using. I have resigned myself from searching his car, looking for pills. Not sure that is helpful to me or the situation. Anyone have advice on living with addiction, making the choice to stay? I am really trying to "let go, let God," but if he is using again we will surely go down with him. After all, it costs money to use. And he always turns his paranoia and anger around on me and makes me look like the one who is "irrational" and "pissed off all the time." Hesitate to talk to my family about this ... don't want to worry them. Trying to deal with it on my own. Help...
This mind set scare the heebie jeebies out of me!!!!
Please go back and read posts by Callie then try to answer some of these questions.

Which would be more traumatizing to your children. Going thru the upset of a divorce and all that entails OR watching their Mom sit back and watch their Dad self destruct?
- This is a progressive thing and it will get worse. You might not be able to keep them from having to change schools and leave friends if it got to the point that you lost your home due to all the money going to drugs or if he couldnt hold down a job due to drug use.


You say that you just have to be ready to deal with him using... are you ready to deal with him using when he progresses to shooting heroin?
- Ask on the addicts board about how many of the H users started out using pain pills, many of them for legit pain issues. Part of the progressing of this disease is tolerance to what they are taking so that they take more and then move up the opiate ladder.

I am NOT saying that you should run for the hills but I AM saying please dont take the phrase of let go and let God mean that you will stay right there hoping that he fixes your husband. The plan the universe has may have nothing to do with fixing your husband. The plan may be to get you and the kids where you need to be.
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Old 05-29-2009, 10:31 AM
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I don't even know for certain whether or not he is using. The emotional roller coaster his behavior sends me on is just getting old. I won't sit back and let him self-destruct in front of us. If he does start using, then he will have to leave. Last time, we left. Moved back home with my parents. Changed schools. Turned OUR lives upside down. If he uses again, HIS life will be the one that gets turned upside down. How do you draw the line between making yourself crazy snooping/doubting/questioning and not burying your head in the sand and just letting his actions take him where they may?

Right now, all I have are suspicions and doubts. But maybe it is just a sickness in my own head. How do I know for sure? That is what drives me crazy. I have no proof of anything right now. Just my feelings that things don't seem right.
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Old 05-29-2009, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Hopeful Still View Post
I don't even know for certain whether or not he is using. The emotional roller coaster his behavior sends me on is just getting old. I won't sit back and let him self-destruct in front of us. If he does start using, then he will have to leave. Last time, we left. Moved back home with my parents. Changed schools. Turned OUR lives upside down. If he uses again, HIS life will be the one that gets turned upside down. How do you draw the line between making yourself crazy snooping/doubting/questioning and not burying your head in the sand and just letting his actions take him where they may?

Right now, all I have are suspicions and doubts. But maybe it is just a sickness in my own head. How do I know for sure? That is what drives me crazy. I have no proof of anything right now. Just my feelings that things don't seem right.
I know exactly what you mean with having only suspicions & doubts.... hence my username lol. And I dont have any answers about how to keep from making ourselves crazy with the doubts cuz I struggle with that every day. I dont even have a relapse of my hubbys to use to measure against. This is the first time I have known of him quitting... the first time I even realized they could be a problem to ask him to quit. I cant even say to him 'you relapsed before' and use it to justify my suspicions. But I cant bring myself to say to him that just because it is the first try at quitting that I know of is one of the biggest reasons that I doubt it. If he was able to quit on his 1st try then he will be in a very small minority. Even to myself it sounds so doom&gloom and expecting him to fail that I wont voice that fear.

I am SOOOO glad tho that I misunderstood what you meant about not just sitting back and taking it... that you would make him leave. As so many people on here will tell you, set your boundaries and start making a plan. Then you (and me) can start working on keeping ourselves off of detective duty and sane! lol!
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Old 05-29-2009, 03:07 PM
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I think the suspicions and doubts creep in when someone changes their behavior......

That is natural for you to think something just isnt right. It probably isnt. I was usually right on when it came to that type of "gut" feeling. I could only go by his behaviors with or without drug use.

Today his behavior is different then it was when he was actively using. Its SMALL changes but changes none the less AND in the right direction. I lowered my expectations of what I thought HE should be doing. So that when things happened (relapse) I wasnt surprised his actions spoke of a relapse long before he got back on the pills.

Now his actions are speaking a different language. It hasnt been long and like I said they are small changes but NOW I REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT YOU NEED TO WATCH THEIR ACTIONS. More then ANYTHING else.
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Old 05-29-2009, 03:55 PM
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I think that my ability to rebuild trust in my husband is two-fold. First, he had to demonstrate that he is trust worthy. Does he keep his word? Does he do what he says he is going to do? Is he reliable? etc. The real issue is do I trust myself? If I trust myself to do what I need to do then I am a lot more relaxed about whether I trust him or not. For instance, when I have developed a "bottom line" about what behaviors I'll accept or won't accept and am sure of the consequences and that I'll follow through on them I trust myself a whole lot more.

Trusting myself is probably the most important thing that I had to do. It's taken a whole lot of work in recovery to build that trust in myself.
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Old 05-30-2009, 05:04 AM
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wow we have some smart people here! There are too many good ideas to quote!
This is what I decided when I agreed to let my husband come home after 2 years of incarceration (and clean time in that controlled environment):

I needed to look at my part in what happened to me. I know the 3 C's...his addiction and his recovery are his. But what did I do that put me in that depressed, victim place?

I DID NOT TRUST MY GUT!

I talked myself out of what my gut was telling me to be true. I started trusting it, and let me tell you it has helped in every aspect of my life. I am a smart woman, I have good instincts...I now utilize my strengths.

I HAD NO PLAN

I was really kicked in the head when he relapsed the first time. I honestly beleived our love would keep him clean (what a maroon! As Bugs Bunny would say)

I have a plan now. I have a current plan to keep my finances safe. And I have a plan of what I am going to do if he relapses, which is call is PO, call his boss, pack him a travel bag of his clothes and drive him to the VA. He can stay for rehab, or he can continue to use, but either way, I WILL BE DONE.

As the co-dependents, we have to learn to focus on us. We MUST focus on us. We have to heal from the hurt, and move on with our lives, with or without the addict.
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Old 05-30-2009, 08:13 AM
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I agree with the others - this IS progressive. My AH was very highly functional as an addict for about 10-12 years. I had NO clue he was using. My family had NO clue. Drugs NEVER entered my mind until the last 4-5 years. I knew I was beating my head against a brick wall with him and his behavior, but I didn't know that drugs was the driving force behind his behavior.

I also agree that you need to have a plan. I spent the last year getting my finances in order, things in my name, out of my name that needed to be. See a lawyer also. Consultations are free.

What started off with Darvocet/Vicodin/Percocet with my AH progressed to Oxy for MANY years. He'd sprinkle some Dilauded or Phentenal patches in there. He'd eat Xanax like candy. He's tried about every single drug out there (except Meth) but Opiates are his DOC. After his habit got to expensive it escalated to heroin and shooting it, snorting it. Heroin is in the same drug class as Oxy, but much cheaper (if you can call drugs cheap.) Being honest here... to me that has always been a 'junky, dirty' drug. It's disgusting. But progressively it's the next step up. Start out at low end pain pills, escalate to oxy (very expensive) your habit becomes so out of control and expensive you go to heroin. Never ever in my wildest dreams did I think my life would take this turn. E V E R.

Trust your instincts and DO NOT discount what others here are telling you. I learned ALOT from the SA board early on when I came here. My AH had the wool pulled so far over my eyes it was pathetic. They set me straight on what he was really doing. BUT anytime I'd go to my AH armed with info from here he'd feed me a line of BS to discount everything I was hearing here. "Callie, I'm not like that, Callie they don't know what they're talking about, Callie I'm not that bad, C'mon callie you know I'd never be like that." All of it was a lie and even though the good people on here were giving me GREAT info, my AH would be sure to have an answer for anything and everything and why the info didn't pertain to him. SR was a huge threat to my AH and his addiction. Keep reading, learning, asking questions and PLEASE take the advice of those who have walked before you. I can 100% assure you that they know what they're talking about. Your AH will discount everything because it threatens his addiction. There's a great thread that BV started on SA board. I'll bump it for you.

Do not think that you're wrestling with a kitty cat here. You're in a lions den right now. I know how it feels to not believe it or think we're over reacting. I know what it feels like to look into the eyes of your AH and hear the words you want to hear and want to believe. That's what addicts do when actively using. They lie. They're very good at it.

When my AH stepped off of a plane in March from 40 days of rehab he was a different man. More confident, more respectable acting, more self esteem etc. It was then that I realized that all along I've lived with an Addict. My H had been overtaken by AH for so long that that's how I came to know him - AH. If that makes sense.

I'll be the first to tell you that recovery isn't that grand either without some hard work on both your part and your addicts part. Without work on both sides, trust will never be there for you. Ever.

Another thing - before I'd ever dealt with addiction I always thought of addicts as gross, dirty, lowlifes (sorry, being honest here). If you would see my AH he's very good looking, well dressed, in shape (as in shape as an addict can be I guess). He does not look like a drug addict. But it is. A very hardcore one at that. As his addiction progressed and he got sicker, I followed him and got sicker as well. As his addiction progressed, my codependency progressed. Hugs to you, it's tough.

Last edited by Callie; 05-30-2009 at 08:33 AM.
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Old 05-30-2009, 08:40 AM
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OK - I skimmed through this post originally and though OP's H was using - Not sure if that's the case or not. If not, discount my prior post - sorry.
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