Would like to know if this is normal behavior?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Plymouth, MA
Posts: 9
Would like to know if this is normal behavior?
Two days ago my 21 year old son, my husband, and myself signed out a Warrant for Apprehension on my 19 year old heroin addict son. We have been at the end of our rope and listening to him promise to get help and in the mean time still getting high and stealing money from us so we had to find the strength to take this step. He left peacefully enough with the police and sat in court giving us the finger. We knew it was just the drugs and that this was what was best for him. They ordered him into 30 days of rehab. From others who had been there we were told a bit of what to expect and how his attitude would change and he would get slowly get well with counseling and doctors. We have seen the evidence of this in my Nephew who recently went through it and now is fully active member of NA and has a sober network and working very hard to get his life back. We are all very proud of him.
But, last night (day 2 in rehab) my son called my husband at 12:15 a.m. (don't know how he got a phone) and told him " you better get a restraining order because when I get out of this place, I am going to kill you". My husbands done nothing but cry since he was taken away and he is the least likely person to tolerate my sons behavior and yet his heart is broken. But, he is devestated over my son saying that to him as we all are. So what i need to know is if this sort of reaction from my son is normal in the detox process or should we assume we did the wrong thing and he is so mad he will get no benefit from this process?
But, last night (day 2 in rehab) my son called my husband at 12:15 a.m. (don't know how he got a phone) and told him " you better get a restraining order because when I get out of this place, I am going to kill you". My husbands done nothing but cry since he was taken away and he is the least likely person to tolerate my sons behavior and yet his heart is broken. But, he is devestated over my son saying that to him as we all are. So what i need to know is if this sort of reaction from my son is normal in the detox process or should we assume we did the wrong thing and he is so mad he will get no benefit from this process?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I don't know how "normal" it is to say that to someone, but it is normal for them to be very angry at the person who put them in rehab. He just got smacked with a consequence he didn't want and he was forced to stop using which is something he wanted to do. When we took my son to rehab he was very angry with me and the owner of the rehab told me this was very normal, she said she had even had one boy chase his mother down the driveway throwing his shoes at her.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I don't think there is such a thing as defining "normal" behavior, particularly for someone going through withdrawal. I've heard counsleors say that they can never predeict who will leave rehab and "get it" and who will not. Certainly the first week or two when all is a fog can be no indication of what may come. I think any time our kids are free of drugs and in a safe place is a time to be grateful.
Please, if you feel threatened, do protect yourselves...a restraining order may not be a bad idea and could send the message that his actions must show he is going to stop abusing his family (would you accept this conduct from a stranger?)
I do not believe it is ever the wrong thing to stop enabling our addicted loved ones and to let them face the consequences of their actions. I also believe they learn something at rehab and even if this isn't the time he decides he is ready to stop, that peak at what recovery can be will stay with him and remind him there is a better way. I know it is really hard and heart breaking, but please see if you can take this time to get some help for yourselves. Face to face support via counseling or Naranon or Alanon meetings is so helpful.
I'm glad you have found us. Congrats to your nephew on his clean time and I hope your son decides this is his time too.
Please, if you feel threatened, do protect yourselves...a restraining order may not be a bad idea and could send the message that his actions must show he is going to stop abusing his family (would you accept this conduct from a stranger?)
should we assume we did the wrong thing
I'm glad you have found us. Congrats to your nephew on his clean time and I hope your son decides this is his time too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
I am really sorry your family is dealing with addiction, it is so hard on the addict and the people who love them. My son is 17 and I have seen him twice in withdraw and it was not pretty. He screamed and yelled some really nasty things. While he never said he would kill us, I am sure he was feeling it. I did have fear when he was using and I would lock my bedroom door at night. I would wait to see how he is in a few weeks after the drugs have cleared. If you at all feel fearful, then do protect yourself and your family, but I think once the drugs are clear he will feel differently. Your son is safe and getting the help he needs, that is not wrong. Hugs, Julie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The first couple of weeks is when many addicts new to recovery react to their situation...they beg to come home, or strike out in anger as your son did.
I don't know his history with you and with violence, but if he has a history of acting out violently I would report him and get a restraining order. If you feel strongly that it was just an angry way of striking back with words, then I would not take further calls from him and prepare to take action if you feel he continues to be angry.
My heart and my prayers go out for you, addiction hurts everyone in the family.
Hugs
I don't know his history with you and with violence, but if he has a history of acting out violently I would report him and get a restraining order. If you feel strongly that it was just an angry way of striking back with words, then I would not take further calls from him and prepare to take action if you feel he continues to be angry.
My heart and my prayers go out for you, addiction hurts everyone in the family.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Plymouth, MA
Posts: 9
Thanks Everyone! He has never threatened us, only himself, thats why it was so shocking and hurtful to hear he said that to his Dad. Funny thing was that it wasn't even his Dad that set the wheels in motion, it was his brother. We will be utilizing the offer of counseling from his facility. I realized last night after watching his brother cry and be so angry that we all need it. I also showed him this site, so I hope he visits also.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Although I've never been in this exact situation (no kids here), I have been in similar situations with 'non-family' folks. I've always been in favor of erring on the side of caution,so, therefore, like so many others here, I'd probably first call the facility and ask folks there what their advice (suggestions) might be [the more opinions the better, I always say], and then regardless, I'd probably call the police and at least report the *call and the theat; just to get it 'on record' in case needed in the future. Regarding the TRO...? maybe, yes; maybe, no.....depends how I might feel at the time.
Regardless of all our opinions here, just do what is comfortable for you...after all, it's your peace of mind that's important now.....and I just wanted to send a hug to all y'all, especially to dad; so sorry y'all are going through this.
NoelleR
*Although the contents of the conversation would be one of those 'he said/he said' deals, at least the call itself could be verified (by the police), if need be...Y'all know, like in all the 'cop' shows, when they get court orders to do 'phone dumps'.....the fact is that LUD's do exist-----LUD (Local Usage Details) is a detailed record of local calls made and received from a particular phone number (Big Brother really is out there; and in here too.....LOLOL).
Regardless of all our opinions here, just do what is comfortable for you...after all, it's your peace of mind that's important now.....and I just wanted to send a hug to all y'all, especially to dad; so sorry y'all are going through this.
NoelleR
*Although the contents of the conversation would be one of those 'he said/he said' deals, at least the call itself could be verified (by the police), if need be...Y'all know, like in all the 'cop' shows, when they get court orders to do 'phone dumps'.....the fact is that LUD's do exist-----LUD (Local Usage Details) is a detailed record of local calls made and received from a particular phone number (Big Brother really is out there; and in here too.....LOLOL).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
Definitely report the incident to the rehab in case they don't know about it. I would also get a temporary restraining order in case he decides to walk out of rehab and come to your house. (Be sure to get an exemption for when you visit him in rehab.) Make it clear you will only ask to have the order lifted and he can come home only if he apologizes.
Be firm. If you give into these threats in any way, it will only encourage more threats.
That said, heroin detox is a nasty experience and his behavior may improve later. But does that mean the behavior should be excused. Just because he feels sick doesn't give him the right to threaten people. There should still be consequences.
Edit: Addicts make threats like that because they expect them to work. If it backfires on him, he will think twice about doing it again.
Be firm. If you give into these threats in any way, it will only encourage more threats.
That said, heroin detox is a nasty experience and his behavior may improve later. But does that mean the behavior should be excused. Just because he feels sick doesn't give him the right to threaten people. There should still be consequences.
Edit: Addicts make threats like that because they expect them to work. If it backfires on him, he will think twice about doing it again.
Last edited by SoberAndy; 05-25-2009 at 11:10 AM. Reason: Typo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by JMD612 
Two days ago my 21 year old son, my husband, and myself signed out a Warrant for Apprehension on my 19 year old heroin addict son. We have been at the end of our rope and listening to him promise to get help and in the mean time still getting high and stealing money from us so we had to find the strength to take this step. He left peacefully enough with the police and sat in court giving us the finger. We knew it was just the drugs and that this was what was best for him. They ordered him into 30 days of rehab. From others who had been there we were told a bit of what to expect and how his attitude would change and he would get slowly get well with counseling and doctors. We have seen the evidence of this in my Nephew who recently went through it and now is fully active member of NA and has a sober network and working very hard to get his life back. We are all very proud of him.
But, last night (day 2 in rehab) my son called my husband at 12:15 a.m. (don't know how he got a phone) and told him " you better get a restraining order because when I get out of this place, I am going to kill you". My husbands done nothing but cry since he was taken away and he is the least likely person to tolerate my sons behavior and yet his heart is broken. But, he is devestated over my son saying that to him as we all are. So what i need to know is if this sort of reaction from my son is normal in the detox process or should we assume we did the wrong thing and he is so mad he will get no benefit from this process?
But, last night (day 2 in rehab) my son called my husband at 12:15 a.m. (don't know how he got a phone) and told him " you better get a restraining order because when I get out of this place, I am going to kill you". My husbands done nothing but cry since he was taken away and he is the least likely person to tolerate my sons behavior and yet his heart is broken. But, he is devestated over my son saying that to him as we all are. So what i need to know is if this sort of reaction from my son is normal in the detox process or should we assume we did the wrong thing and he is so mad he will get no benefit from this process?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I am also the parent of an AS and it's rough.
Thanks, KariSue
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
oh honey, you did not do the wrong thing. rehab may not help your son like it did your nephew. an addict has to be ready for recovery & some never are. you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL IT & you can not CURE it. it is all up to your son. i am so sorry he said this to your husband. it is not your son, it is all the drugs he has done. i am saying a prayer for all of you. let us know how things are. hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You need to report this immediately.
Back when my son first started getting into trouble it was me who had him arrested. one night when he was here i overheard him on the phone planning to get a group of his friends together with masks on to jump me. It scared me death and also saddened me in a way i cant describe. But to him at that point the reason he was in trouble was me - he couldnt see it was his actions that got him in trouble only that it was me that called 911. I reported it to his PO and they put him in custody on another charge they knew of to hold him while he calmed down - they were actually very creative about it because they didnt want him to think he was going to jail because of me - they wanted him to know that it was something he did. I was lucky because they did take the heat off of me. Not all courts are going to be this wise in how they do it but it did work and he did stop blaming me eventually for his arrests.
Back when my son first started getting into trouble it was me who had him arrested. one night when he was here i overheard him on the phone planning to get a group of his friends together with masks on to jump me. It scared me death and also saddened me in a way i cant describe. But to him at that point the reason he was in trouble was me - he couldnt see it was his actions that got him in trouble only that it was me that called 911. I reported it to his PO and they put him in custody on another charge they knew of to hold him while he calmed down - they were actually very creative about it because they didnt want him to think he was going to jail because of me - they wanted him to know that it was something he did. I was lucky because they did take the heat off of me. Not all courts are going to be this wise in how they do it but it did work and he did stop blaming me eventually for his arrests.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My fiance is going to the magistrate today to get a restraining order against his addict son who is angry and vengeful about consequences, too. He has threatened to kill 3 members of his family....
It is horrible to think about, sad and depressing. We have been crying a lot, too. But I was told by another member here that the angrier they get, the more it means you are doing the right thing.
Hugs and prayers to you and your whole family.
HG
It is horrible to think about, sad and depressing. We have been crying a lot, too. But I was told by another member here that the angrier they get, the more it means you are doing the right thing.
Hugs and prayers to you and your whole family.
HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Plymouth, MA
Posts: 9
I can not thank you all enough for your kind words and hugs. These early mornings by myself are very hard and this place helps.
Karisue, a warrant of apprehension (Section 35) is where we go to the court house and ask them to have him apprehended (not arrested) because he is a danger to himself either via drugs or mental health. they send out police men who explain that he is not under arrest but, he is being taken into court so a doctor and a judge can decide if he must be ordered into rehab. My son went with them peacefully we believe it was because he saw it coming and he was ready for help. But, once he got to court and was given a lawyer and started talking to other detainees that the fear set in and the detox and along came the aggression.
As for reporting it to rehab, thats kind of a funny situation....even though we signed out the warrant, he is 19 yo and has not added our names as contact persons so, when we call there, they will not either confirm or deny that he is there. They say it takes them about a week or more before they detox enough where he will be ready to add us to that list and maybe even call us himself. We wanted to report the incident and let them know that one of their residents had a phone that he used at 11:30 p.m. at night but, they wont talk to us. Also, we were told that we should be able to get ourselve counseling through them for free (my older son has no insurance) because my younger son was there. But, until he aknowledges us on his intake form..... we can't seek help through them. So we are searching for local NarAnon meetings for this Thursday that we may all attend.
My family is one of those families, that just has a great sense of each others thoughts and we can usually find humor in just about anything. Many times its comic relief for us because we all work together running our 2 family businesses as well as living together, so if we don't laugh the stress would kill us. My HR son has the best sense of humor and timing, he made me laugh more than anyone. Even when he was irratating his siblings and his father, he could make us laugh.
I miss that laughter, that sound. I want to laugh again. Laugh till my sides hurt.
Karisue, a warrant of apprehension (Section 35) is where we go to the court house and ask them to have him apprehended (not arrested) because he is a danger to himself either via drugs or mental health. they send out police men who explain that he is not under arrest but, he is being taken into court so a doctor and a judge can decide if he must be ordered into rehab. My son went with them peacefully we believe it was because he saw it coming and he was ready for help. But, once he got to court and was given a lawyer and started talking to other detainees that the fear set in and the detox and along came the aggression.
As for reporting it to rehab, thats kind of a funny situation....even though we signed out the warrant, he is 19 yo and has not added our names as contact persons so, when we call there, they will not either confirm or deny that he is there. They say it takes them about a week or more before they detox enough where he will be ready to add us to that list and maybe even call us himself. We wanted to report the incident and let them know that one of their residents had a phone that he used at 11:30 p.m. at night but, they wont talk to us. Also, we were told that we should be able to get ourselve counseling through them for free (my older son has no insurance) because my younger son was there. But, until he aknowledges us on his intake form..... we can't seek help through them. So we are searching for local NarAnon meetings for this Thursday that we may all attend.
My family is one of those families, that just has a great sense of each others thoughts and we can usually find humor in just about anything. Many times its comic relief for us because we all work together running our 2 family businesses as well as living together, so if we don't laugh the stress would kill us. My HR son has the best sense of humor and timing, he made me laugh more than anyone. Even when he was irratating his siblings and his father, he could make us laugh.
I miss that laughter, that sound. I want to laugh again. Laugh till my sides hurt.
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