I admit it ... I relapsed
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
I admit it ... I relapsed
I'm an old timer that used to be here day in and day out years ago. I still read here when time permits. Let me make it clear that I did not quit reading here cause I thought I "was well". If there's one thing I know, I have to work at my recovery EVERY day and then some. I will always need to work a program of recovery.
Ok, so I admit it. Have had bad days for the past few weeks because a lot of things I don't want to happen are going to happen. Imagine this: Certain family members in my life are not doing what I want and in true, unrecovering style, I have let it get to me. And this is what I've always feared or asked myself. "Am I really working a good recovery program? What will I do when something knocks my legs out from under me?"
A week ago I found myself not sleeping one night. That is not like me at all. But I had let the anxious thoughts take control and I found myself alone in my head. I know better. Love the saying, "Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood. Don't go there alone." The problem is at 3:00 a.m. I don't think my recovering friends would appreciate a call. And trust me, I prayed and layed there as I watched the minutes click off on the digital clock. Y'all ever done that? "Oh Lord, please, I have to go to sleep. I have to go to sleep."
So I've decided to beef up my recovery. Actually I had already decided to beef up my recovery before that night. So I'm now meeting one on one with a trusted, solid recovering Al Anon lady. We're starting back at Step One cause obviously I'm forgetting that I'm powerless. She has reminded me that Step 3 is nothing but faith. Gee, I thought I was doing okay in that department. Obviously my stinkin' thinkin' has slipped in the backdoor and is making me think I possibly have control over situations outside myself and I'm forgetting that these individuals have a HP just like I do and that He does have a plan for their lives. Man, old behavior dies hard. Ok, so I have to smile as I remember this statement: "It ain't old behavior if you're still doing it." OUCH!!
So here's my plan. I will review the steps. I will think long and hard and remember that I am powerless over other people. I will know that I can't do this alone and that turning my will over to my HP is the only way I'm going to make it. I will remember to "let go and let God" and "live and let live". I have to remember that I sure don't like other people telling me what to do, so why in the world would I think my adult AD would like me telling her what to do.
I may not agree with the choices these people are making, but it is their life. And my HP is showing me everyday that I have plenty of areas of my life that can use some work and I'm to get the focus back on me.
Thanks for letting me write this. I need to reinforce what I know and then I need to work my program because I hate that feeling I had on that sleepless night. I am so grateful I know a way out, a better way to live. Now I just have to do what I know. But if anyone wants to whack me with a frying pan, oh, go ahead.
Ok, so where are the white chips? Let me just pick up one and get it over with! No old behavior for me anymore. I'm on the recovery road again.....
Ok, so I admit it. Have had bad days for the past few weeks because a lot of things I don't want to happen are going to happen. Imagine this: Certain family members in my life are not doing what I want and in true, unrecovering style, I have let it get to me. And this is what I've always feared or asked myself. "Am I really working a good recovery program? What will I do when something knocks my legs out from under me?"
A week ago I found myself not sleeping one night. That is not like me at all. But I had let the anxious thoughts take control and I found myself alone in my head. I know better. Love the saying, "Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood. Don't go there alone." The problem is at 3:00 a.m. I don't think my recovering friends would appreciate a call. And trust me, I prayed and layed there as I watched the minutes click off on the digital clock. Y'all ever done that? "Oh Lord, please, I have to go to sleep. I have to go to sleep."
So I've decided to beef up my recovery. Actually I had already decided to beef up my recovery before that night. So I'm now meeting one on one with a trusted, solid recovering Al Anon lady. We're starting back at Step One cause obviously I'm forgetting that I'm powerless. She has reminded me that Step 3 is nothing but faith. Gee, I thought I was doing okay in that department. Obviously my stinkin' thinkin' has slipped in the backdoor and is making me think I possibly have control over situations outside myself and I'm forgetting that these individuals have a HP just like I do and that He does have a plan for their lives. Man, old behavior dies hard. Ok, so I have to smile as I remember this statement: "It ain't old behavior if you're still doing it." OUCH!!
So here's my plan. I will review the steps. I will think long and hard and remember that I am powerless over other people. I will know that I can't do this alone and that turning my will over to my HP is the only way I'm going to make it. I will remember to "let go and let God" and "live and let live". I have to remember that I sure don't like other people telling me what to do, so why in the world would I think my adult AD would like me telling her what to do.
I may not agree with the choices these people are making, but it is their life. And my HP is showing me everyday that I have plenty of areas of my life that can use some work and I'm to get the focus back on me.
Thanks for letting me write this. I need to reinforce what I know and then I need to work my program because I hate that feeling I had on that sleepless night. I am so grateful I know a way out, a better way to live. Now I just have to do what I know. But if anyone wants to whack me with a frying pan, oh, go ahead.
Ok, so where are the white chips? Let me just pick up one and get it over with! No old behavior for me anymore. I'm on the recovery road again.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Hangin, Thanks so much for this reminder today. Last week I visited my daughter's apartment for the first time in a while. Dishes were not done and her garbage was overflowing. Now the smart recovery thing to do would have been to keep my big mouth shut. Instead I make a reference to a pig-sty. I immediately knew that I had no right to do that. The difference between us then and now is that we know what we are doing is not the best thing for us. Admitting it and then doing something about it. Good for you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
oh, hanging, we all have a bad days. we are just lucky when we realize that we can control something & that is ourselves. you got the help you needed. you are going to be just fine. thanks for the post. hugs, hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
aaaaw Hangin' In........... you ARE Hangin' In!!!! 
LOVE THAT!!!
I had that moment last night..... and I came downstairs and turned on the TV... and fell asleep.
Thank you for your post.
BIG HUGS xoxoxo
"Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood. Don't go there alone."
I had that moment last night..... and I came downstairs and turned on the TV... and fell asleep.
Thank you for your post.
BIG HUGS xoxoxo
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
You get chips? I was told they don't give them in the anon programs cause we can't afford it - the relapse rate is too high, lol.
Hangin, if I had a dime for every time I had to circle back and rework the first 3 steps, I'd have no worries in this economy. I'm pretty good at avoiding the long sleepless night by turning the "I have to sleep" into a continuous repetition of the Serenity Prayer, but when life becomes especially challenging, I'm reworking those steps and giving back the control I tried to take from my HP.
BTW, I am "starred" on our group phone list as accepting calls 24/7, so next time you need and anon friend at 3 am, remember I'm there, 'kay?
Hangin, if I had a dime for every time I had to circle back and rework the first 3 steps, I'd have no worries in this economy. I'm pretty good at avoiding the long sleepless night by turning the "I have to sleep" into a continuous repetition of the Serenity Prayer, but when life becomes especially challenging, I'm reworking those steps and giving back the control I tried to take from my HP.
BTW, I am "starred" on our group phone list as accepting calls 24/7, so next time you need and anon friend at 3 am, remember I'm there, 'kay?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I don't know you very well Hangin in but I was just about to say the same thing greateachday did. I'm up for calls anytime. My hubby is retired now so you won't be bothering anyone......I could have used a few friends like this when my son was so deep into his addiction. I just stayed up alone and fretted so many nights. My hubby doesn't have one codependant bone in his body......hope things are getting better. If you need an ear just pm me and I'm just a call away..Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Hangin)))
I'm sorry for the sleepless night, but I have to admit..you made me realize that even those of you, who I think NEVER slip are normal and do have "those days". I KNOW this, but sometimes I forget and get into that pity party of "why can't I be as strong as ......"
BTW, I WORK nights, so if you need someone to call at 3 a.m., I am more than likely cleaning up the dining room at work, and would welcome a phone call, so pm if you need another number to call.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry for the sleepless night, but I have to admit..you made me realize that even those of you, who I think NEVER slip are normal and do have "those days". I KNOW this, but sometimes I forget and get into that pity party of "why can't I be as strong as ......"
BTW, I WORK nights, so if you need someone to call at 3 a.m., I am more than likely cleaning up the dining room at work, and would welcome a phone call, so pm if you need another number to call.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Hangin))
I don't know if you have ever done relaxation exercises. I often have to use them. When you lay down and start with your toes on your feet and tighten them up then relax them, and move up your body and tighten each muscle to check for tension, then relax that muscle. When I do that, I find that I have tension in places that I never really knew I even had muscles, but by the time I reach my head, I'm usually asleep or very very relaxed. Even when I think I'm all relaxed and content, doing that exercise makes me realize how much tension I harbor without even realizing it.
It is the same thing with recovery, I have to go through the recovery steps even when I don't think I need to. It's only after doing them again that I realize how much I have slipped.
Just like my relaxation exercises though, once I do those first three steps, it is like an instant relief. The load was getting heavy again and I didn't even realize it.
You are an inspiration to many many people Hangin, your slip helps remind all of us to keep refreshing our own recovery.
Hugs
B
I don't know if you have ever done relaxation exercises. I often have to use them. When you lay down and start with your toes on your feet and tighten them up then relax them, and move up your body and tighten each muscle to check for tension, then relax that muscle. When I do that, I find that I have tension in places that I never really knew I even had muscles, but by the time I reach my head, I'm usually asleep or very very relaxed. Even when I think I'm all relaxed and content, doing that exercise makes me realize how much tension I harbor without even realizing it.
It is the same thing with recovery, I have to go through the recovery steps even when I don't think I need to. It's only after doing them again that I realize how much I have slipped.
Just like my relaxation exercises though, once I do those first three steps, it is like an instant relief. The load was getting heavy again and I didn't even realize it.
You are an inspiration to many many people Hangin, your slip helps remind all of us to keep refreshing our own recovery.
Hugs
B
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Good grief, I was just in and out, off and on yesterday and missed this 
Hangin' I "know" you and how strong your recovery is, but we both know that no matter how long and hard we work this program, every once in a while we need a refresher course to keep it alive.
You have given me so much wisdom over the years..."stay out of those one-way streets of sadness and regret, they don't lead any place good and if you are already there, make a U-turn fast" and "Say what your mean, and mean what you say..just don't day it mean." And now ""Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood. Don't go there alone." (Each said with a lovely southern belle accent)
Those sayings of yours came from good recovery, so I am certain you haven't lost it, maybe you just weren't looking in the right places?
Re-working the steps is a wonderful idea, something that would help every one of us who haven't worked them in a while. Our lives change, our needs change and our resentments change...and re-working the steps updates our recovery and makes it all fresh again.
So no steel-toed bunny slipper "nudges" for you, just great big hugs because I love you my friend, and I know you will come out of this shining even brighter than when you first went in.
And...I'll throw in one of my sayings, just in case you forgot..."The difference between a bad day and a good day is about 2 days."
Love you lots :ghug3
P.S. You can call me at 3 am too...nobody will answer, but you can call. I have call forwarding to Mooselip's number
Okay, just kidding, you KNOW you can call me anytime from anyplace.
Hangin' I "know" you and how strong your recovery is, but we both know that no matter how long and hard we work this program, every once in a while we need a refresher course to keep it alive.
You have given me so much wisdom over the years..."stay out of those one-way streets of sadness and regret, they don't lead any place good and if you are already there, make a U-turn fast" and "Say what your mean, and mean what you say..just don't day it mean." And now ""Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood. Don't go there alone." (Each said with a lovely southern belle accent)
Those sayings of yours came from good recovery, so I am certain you haven't lost it, maybe you just weren't looking in the right places?
Re-working the steps is a wonderful idea, something that would help every one of us who haven't worked them in a while. Our lives change, our needs change and our resentments change...and re-working the steps updates our recovery and makes it all fresh again.
So no steel-toed bunny slipper "nudges" for you, just great big hugs because I love you my friend, and I know you will come out of this shining even brighter than when you first went in.
And...I'll throw in one of my sayings, just in case you forgot..."The difference between a bad day and a good day is about 2 days."
Love you lots :ghug3
P.S. You can call me at 3 am too...nobody will answer, but you can call. I have call forwarding to Mooselip's number
Okay, just kidding, you KNOW you can call me anytime from anyplace.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Hangin')
The best part of ALL of this, is: You can identify that you slipped, and you can get back into recovery mode.
Anyone who says this recovery work is easy, is just plain dumb as a bucket of rocks. It's hard work 24/7.
And by the way...I've been wondering why I'm getting all these phone calls.... ANN!
Seriously, if you need a good listener...I'm open 24/7 just call.
P.S. Although, I personally think you need a nice quiet vacation, just a get together with some recovery gals...ya think?
The best part of ALL of this, is: You can identify that you slipped, and you can get back into recovery mode.
Anyone who says this recovery work is easy, is just plain dumb as a bucket of rocks. It's hard work 24/7.
And by the way...I've been wondering why I'm getting all these phone calls.... ANN!
Seriously, if you need a good listener...I'm open 24/7 just call.
P.S. Although, I personally think you need a nice quiet vacation, just a get together with some recovery gals...ya think?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Nice to see you here again. I don't get here as often these days, but when I do it is
fabulous to see an "ole friend"
Just last week I made my motto of the yr. "Speak as w/o judgement" as I realize it serves no purpose but to alienate.
fabulous to see an "ole friend"
Just last week I made my motto of the yr. "Speak as w/o judgement" as I realize it serves no purpose but to alienate.
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
You gals make me realize just why I loved this place so much in my early, early recovery years and still love it even though I'm a little farther down the road and don't get to get here near as often as I'd like!
One of the best things about recovery friends is that they just "get you" (as Ann said to me one time and we know she's pretty much right all the time ...). And just tonight at our meeting we talked about how we can be honest with our recovery friends and have no fear of being judged. That is a great feeling.
Thank you for being here for me with your gentle reminders, suggestions, support and hugs. I know my recovery is in me. Guess my HP just decided it was time for a little shaking up, ya know, just enough to remind me WHO is in charge and WHO has the plan.
*Sigh* But, but, but ... my plan is such a good one.
And after that statement, I think this -----> is what my HP is doing.
(HP just reminded me that my BEST thinking and plans got me into this mess. Yeah, yeah, I know. Back to Step One and happy to be reviewing it!)
One of the best things about recovery friends is that they just "get you" (as Ann said to me one time and we know she's pretty much right all the time ...
). And just tonight at our meeting we talked about how we can be honest with our recovery friends and have no fear of being judged. That is a great feeling.Thank you for being here for me with your gentle reminders, suggestions, support and hugs. I know my recovery is in me. Guess my HP just decided it was time for a little shaking up, ya know, just enough to remind me WHO is in charge and WHO has the plan.
*Sigh* But, but, but ... my plan is such a good one.
And after that statement, I think this ----->
is what my HP is doing. (HP just reminded me that my BEST thinking and plans got me into this mess. Yeah, yeah, I know. Back to Step One and happy to be reviewing it!
)
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