having a bad day (& it's only 9 a.m.)
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
having a bad day (& it's only 9 a.m.)
My day = 
M was supposed to enter a 3 day detox at 10:00 this morning. He was going to go in to work for a couple of hours till he could get admitted, then say he was sick and had to go home. He got up at 5:30 so he could dig holes for me before he left so I could plant the rose bushes we ordered. Well he hit an f-ing gas line while digging the last hole - fire trucks, police cars, national grid trucks, everyone in the vicinity having to get out of their house...it took hours. He had to call work and tell them why he was late, so he didn't think he should go in so late and then tell them he had to leave, so we decided he'd go after work to the detox. I had taken our bank card from him a while back, then gave it back to him yesterday to pick something up at the store. He got really pissy with me this morning when I asked for it back before he left for work. I got suspicious, checked our bank account on-line, and he had gone to the bank and withdrew money directly.
To make a long story just a bit longer, I called and told him that I am picking him up after work, and I can either drop him off at the detox or somewhere else, but that I am not bringing him home. He's giving me all this b***sh*t about how if all the beds at the detox are full they'll just send him home. I spoke with the detox myself yesterday to get accurate information, and they said that if the detox is full they'll send him down to the emergency room and get him admitted to the regular hospital until a bed becomes available. He said he doesn't want to have to sit around the emergency room waiting, and I told him too bad. The part of this that really pisses me off is that the whole 3 day detox WAS HIS IDEA, but now that the time has arrived he's chickening out!
So please keep me in your thoughts and hope that I carry through with this. I'm trying really hard.
~Daisy
M was supposed to enter a 3 day detox at 10:00 this morning. He was going to go in to work for a couple of hours till he could get admitted, then say he was sick and had to go home. He got up at 5:30 so he could dig holes for me before he left so I could plant the rose bushes we ordered. Well he hit an f-ing gas line while digging the last hole - fire trucks, police cars, national grid trucks, everyone in the vicinity having to get out of their house...it took hours. He had to call work and tell them why he was late, so he didn't think he should go in so late and then tell them he had to leave, so we decided he'd go after work to the detox. I had taken our bank card from him a while back, then gave it back to him yesterday to pick something up at the store. He got really pissy with me this morning when I asked for it back before he left for work. I got suspicious, checked our bank account on-line, and he had gone to the bank and withdrew money directly.
To make a long story just a bit longer, I called and told him that I am picking him up after work, and I can either drop him off at the detox or somewhere else, but that I am not bringing him home. He's giving me all this b***sh*t about how if all the beds at the detox are full they'll just send him home. I spoke with the detox myself yesterday to get accurate information, and they said that if the detox is full they'll send him down to the emergency room and get him admitted to the regular hospital until a bed becomes available. He said he doesn't want to have to sit around the emergency room waiting, and I told him too bad. The part of this that really pisses me off is that the whole 3 day detox WAS HIS IDEA, but now that the time has arrived he's chickening out!
So please keep me in your thoughts and hope that I carry through with this. I'm trying really hard.
~Daisy
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Hey Daisy,
Just know that for addicts.. it's pretty damn normal to back out of stuff like this. The addict "voice" as we so call it is screaming at him to not give in because getting clean is only gonna make it a worse life for him.
You're doing the right thing though.. keep him out of the house, away from you and your kids. It's not that he's a "bad man" but addicts need to learn the consequences, right? I hope he chooses to stick around in the ER if need be to wait for an open detox instead of doing a drug run... Just don't get your expectations too high. When I did that I ended up paying for it everytime. We're addicts, and although human... our brain chemistry is out of whack, nobody can change it but ourselves.
Best of luck Daisy
Just know that for addicts.. it's pretty damn normal to back out of stuff like this. The addict "voice" as we so call it is screaming at him to not give in because getting clean is only gonna make it a worse life for him.
You're doing the right thing though.. keep him out of the house, away from you and your kids. It's not that he's a "bad man" but addicts need to learn the consequences, right? I hope he chooses to stick around in the ER if need be to wait for an open detox instead of doing a drug run... Just don't get your expectations too high. When I did that I ended up paying for it everytime. We're addicts, and although human... our brain chemistry is out of whack, nobody can change it but ourselves.
Best of luck Daisy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Daisy))))
Jason is right..we A's just don't think right. We're also pretty good about trying to make it look like it's all YOUR fault.
You're doing a darned good job on your end, as far as I can see. He's going to push the limits as far as he can, to see what he can get away with. He's hoping he can put off the detox and you'll let him. He's hoping he can come up with some great excuse about why he couldn't get in there, and you'll believe him.
Actions, sweetie, watch his actions.
It's frustrating, and painful to go through, but you're doing good. Keep it up, and stick to your boundaries, or he will walk all over you. It has nothing to do with YOU, personally, it's all about his need for the drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Jason is right..we A's just don't think right. We're also pretty good about trying to make it look like it's all YOUR fault.
You're doing a darned good job on your end, as far as I can see. He's going to push the limits as far as he can, to see what he can get away with. He's hoping he can put off the detox and you'll let him. He's hoping he can come up with some great excuse about why he couldn't get in there, and you'll believe him.
Actions, sweetie, watch his actions.
It's frustrating, and painful to go through, but you're doing good. Keep it up, and stick to your boundaries, or he will walk all over you. It has nothing to do with YOU, personally, it's all about his need for the drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((Daisy09)))))
I would not doubt any ploy that an addict might come up with to get out of doing the right thing....including breaking a gas line....
Prayers going out for you my dear just stay strong and be gentle with yourself.
I would not doubt any ploy that an addict might come up with to get out of doing the right thing....including breaking a gas line....
Prayers going out for you my dear just stay strong and be gentle with yourself.
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
so what is your plan? are there ANY circumstances that you will allow him back in the house after work? i'd bet dollars to donuts he puts up a big huge fight about going to detox or the ER or anywhere but home. what if he refuses? what if he won't even get out of the car? what if he and the $$ he took out of the bank go awol?
I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I did think of the $$$ - he only took $80 out today, which he spent on his lunch hour for - you guessed it - a little something to "make it easier for him to go to detox." He gave me some b*llsh*t line about how he didn't plan on taking out more money today, but he got ripped off yesterday blah, blah, blah
I told him that frankly I didn't care - that I didn't want to get to the grocery store tomorrow to buy food for our kids and find out that he had skipped out on detox and spent all our money, so I took it all except $15 out of our account 
He seems ok so far with going tonight - I'll keep y'all updated...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
hi
sorry u arre going through this....
Did I hear that he took money out on his lunch....I thought you took the card back this morning....... Or when he got pissy you just let him keep it. I don't know but, something sounds fishy. I really am not in the position to give advice because I am in a bad situation but, it sounds to me like he needs longer than 3 days because his mind has to catch up with his heart and good intentions.... My thoughts are with you even in my chaos...I feel your pain!
sorry u arre going through this....
Did I hear that he took money out on his lunch....I thought you took the card back this morning....... Or when he got pissy you just let him keep it. I don't know but, something sounds fishy. I really am not in the position to give advice because I am in a bad situation but, it sounds to me like he needs longer than 3 days because his mind has to catch up with his heart and good intentions.... My thoughts are with you even in my chaos...I feel your pain!
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
I took the cards this morning, but he walked to the bank (in 90 degree heat) and did an in-person withdrawal with his driver's license (I didn't realize I'd have to go as far as confiscating his whole wallet!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Oh I see.....Yeah getting your own account would probably be beneficial. I have one and I make sure I pay the bills out of it....also you could keep that one open but, take your name off of it and only allow a certain amount in the account for his lunch etc.......
But, to be honest at this point he should be brown bagging it and require NO money for the pain he is causing you!!!!! Trust is earned not given
But, to be honest at this point he should be brown bagging it and require NO money for the pain he is causing you!!!!! Trust is earned not given
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Unfortunately we have to keep the one in his name open, because he is paid with direct deposit and I don't work (well, I work awfully hard, but I don't get paid - I'm a SAHM) but I am going to open an account in my name and just take most of the $$$ out of his every payday...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I wanted to say I'm so sorry about all of this. I was home from work today with my 14 month old and this is the first chance I've had to get on the site.
I wanted to tell you that when I wasn't working we took my husband off the account and his check has always been direct deposited into my account. When we did that he *pretended* that it was a good idea and that it was the best way to keep him out of the money. Well, he just started forging my signature and then writing the checks to himself. I eventually went to the bank and there is an alert on my account about him. They run checks on all of my checks to make sure the signatures match mine. They even gave me a hard time when my great aunt and 2 grandmothers wrote our son birthday checks to Mr. and Mrs. Since there was an alert they weren't going to let me deposit them and we had to get special permission from the branch manager. He still isn't on the account and every single penny of his pay goes in that account. So, that was just a long way of letting you know it can be done and could save you some headaches in the end. Not to say an addict won't find a way around it, but it makes it much harder on them.
Please let us know what happens.
I wanted to tell you that when I wasn't working we took my husband off the account and his check has always been direct deposited into my account. When we did that he *pretended* that it was a good idea and that it was the best way to keep him out of the money. Well, he just started forging my signature and then writing the checks to himself. I eventually went to the bank and there is an alert on my account about him. They run checks on all of my checks to make sure the signatures match mine. They even gave me a hard time when my great aunt and 2 grandmothers wrote our son birthday checks to Mr. and Mrs. Since there was an alert they weren't going to let me deposit them and we had to get special permission from the branch manager. He still isn't on the account and every single penny of his pay goes in that account. So, that was just a long way of letting you know it can be done and could save you some headaches in the end. Not to say an addict won't find a way around it, but it makes it much harder on them.
Please let us know what happens.
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Well, he's there...he did talk me into taking the kids to Friendly's on the way, because he wanted to spend a little more time with them before he went in, and I was totally ok with that. I think that part is really the hardest for him - leaving the kids, I mean. Oddly his addiction never really kept him away from home and the kids any more than usual, because he was using on his lunch hour. Whatever his issues, he is a really good Daddy who loves his little girls, and I think he's really going to miss them this weekend. I'm doing ok right now, but will probably get sad tomorrow night...
Thanks for listening...
~Daisy
(OK, I said I was doing ok, but them immediately started to tear up, so maybe I'm doing so-so...)
Thanks for listening...
~Daisy
(OK, I said I was doing ok, but them immediately started to tear up, so maybe I'm doing so-so...)
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Well, not really...I know that's kind of chickensh*t of me, but they wouldn't fully understand (they're 4 & 6) and it's easier for me this way, which may not be totally fair to them but it's the best I can do. They thought the hospital was the airport (I had gone away for a weekend 2 months ago) so I just said "Daddy's going away for a few days just like Mommy did, and he'll come back soon, just like Mommy did." So not completely honest, but the best I could muster under the circumstances.
Hope all is well as can be with you, Jay.
~Daisy
Hope all is well as can be with you, Jay.
~Daisy
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Gotcha.. I guess I understand doing what's best for you at this point, however, although they are quite young and will not understand addiction at all... just a thought of telling him he has a problem he needs to fix might be a little more "honest" I guess. But of course, do this at your discretion.. since he's only gonna be gone for a weekend, I don't think it's a huge deal. Just if he goes out to full blown rehab at some point... please tell them something :\
Edit: Just wanted to add, kids are alot more perceptive than people seem to think.
Edit: Just wanted to add, kids are alot more perceptive than people seem to think.
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