ksaun

God I wish I knew the answer to that one. I let go of my addicted friend 2 months ago and I still can't stop thinking about her. I don't know why i'm doing it. Its not like it was before, I don't think about her all the time like I did before I let her go. But she crosses my mind a few times a day, usually when something reminds me of her. Then I catch myself and think about something else to get her out of my mind.

I'm ok with my decision, I don't want anything to do with her until she is making a serious effort in her recovery. And I have even gotten most of the answers to the questions I was asking myself for months before I let her go. So I understand the whys and hows of her erratic behavior and actions. I know its not my fault, I know I can't fix it, and I know I can't make her fix it.

In that I feel a sence of peace of mind. I know she is the only one that can make the effort to fix her drug problem. I have been working on my own sanity and have found happyness again since I let her go, my friends and family have told me you seem like yourself again. Which I do feel more like myself than I had since I met my addicted friend last summer.

I don't hate her for what she has done or said, I don't even have any bad feelings toward her. To be honest I just feel kinda numb, almost like its someone I dont know. But yet I think about her every day. I don't know how to explain it. Its like I want her back but not her, I want the idea I have of her that is stuck in my head. The girl that was funny, happy, a good friend, caring and all the other good things I saw she could be when not on drugs.

I feel like I'm waiting for someone that I fear with never return. Is this normal or am I freaking out here?

I know I don't want her back in my life the way she is now. But I'm begining to ask myself if I could ever feel the way I felt about her again even if she would get clean and sober and stay in recovery. That is what I want for her more than anything else, but to be honest I'm afraid that I will never be able to look at her with the same eyes that I saw her through when we first met.

So.... Why do I keep thinking about her? and how do I stop. Everytime She pops into my head its like a little knife stabbing me in the heart. How do I stop this and truely let her go completely?

Mercy08

I wish I could help you with that one. I got the same problem myself and still find it so hard to let go. I can just let you know that you are not alone with that. Sorry for being not a better help.

Keep your head up. And no you are not freaking out.

Take care

hope213

i say the serinity prayer many times a day. try it, it does help.

tsukiko

Great example of how addiction extends beyond the addict.

Sad thing is, maybe you'll never be able to 'let her go' completely.

It's called grieving...

People grieve for lost relationships everyday.

One of my two closest friends took your approach when she found out I was using. She chose to remove herself from my life completely.

What I couldn't see when I was using was that was she hurt too and she didn't have heroin to aleviate it, to indulge her grieving.

When I finally decided to get clean, she was the first person I went to.

Then her step-brother died...heroin OD, after he'd been clean about four years.

He was my mate and her brother...and in a phonecall he didn't exist anymore.

Then I finally started getting it...she couldn't live her life seeing me like that, worrying about the phonecall she might get. How the hell would she get up in the morning or go to work or focus on anything...

She didn't 'cut me off' because she didn't care, she did it to show she had more respect for me than I did.

I respect your decision to keep distant from your mate, you're a brave soul, and who knows...maybe your friend will see that. You never know.

The thoughts and the knife in the heart thing...sorry to say it, but that's got to be worked through. There's no getting round it, not in the end...even for your mate.

Something I'm learning: You never get over it, you only get used to it.

It'll get easier, not to think about, but to cope with those thoughts, but you gotta' give it time, mate.

Sorry I ain't got any magic words or owt', but that's the way of it.

Keep posting and all the best

ksaun

To be honest, it wasn't entirely my decision to end our friendship. In fact I guess if I want to be completely honest. She ended it last December and I just gave up trying to fix it 3 months ago. She ended it she says because I was always getting mad at her and she had enough stress without me adding to it and I said FU to her for totally ignoring me on my birthday and not even getting me card. I apologized the next day for the FU comment and she accepted but somehow afterwards it became totally unforgivable.

The way I look at it is she did me a favor in letting ME go. I have come to the realization, that she was never really a friend even if I concidered and treated her as one. She used me then pushed me out of her life. I don't feel bad about it though. I know I was a good friend to her and only wanted the best for her, and still do. I'm not even upset over all the time and effort I put into trying to be a good friend and help her. I did it because I wanted to, because I honestly cared about her and wanted her to succeed, not because she made me or tricked me into it. I don't hate her or blame her, I actually just feel numb when I think of her anymore.

Its taken me a long time to be able to look at our "friendship" as it actually was and not how I wanted it to be or even percieved it to be. Yeh I know, she used me and we were and never will be friends, but even so I wish her only the best and hope she is continuing her recovery and working it hard.

So I really don't feel like that brave of a soul. Yeh, I did make the decision to stop trying to fix our friendship after nearly 5 months of trying. And I have made no attempt to contact her or speak with her for 3 months now. But I think it is more giving up on my part than letting go. I unlike alot of others here have the luxury of being able to give up and close this chapter in my life, hopefully once and for all.

I still want the same things for her I always wanted, for her to get and stay clean, to get her life back and be happy. I finally realized that I am not going to be part of it, but I'm ok with that now. I don't expect to ever see or talk to her again, and I don't expect she would ever want to see or contact me even if she would make it to steps 8 and 9 in her 12 step program. So I will say good bye and good luck to all of you. You have all given me alot of guidence and answered alot of the questions I really needed answered to get me to this point. I guess I am at the acceptance stage of my recovery. Which makes it alot easier to see things how they are and not how I wanted or even perceived them to be.

Thank you everyone for all the kind words and the swats on the back of the head. All were appreciated and helped. Wishing you all the best.

Seren

Acceptance of the loss of what we thought would be a great relationship is hard. You wanted what she could never offer.....now you have to decide what you really want in a relationship and (here's the kicker) find someone who is capable of giving that to you.

With your friend, neither of you could provide each other what you really wanted and needed.......that is what you must continue to work to accept. Some days are better than others, but it has only been a few months. Be patient with yourself, keep working on yourself, and keep moving forward with your own life.

Hugs and best wishes! HG

JensSis

I'm in the same position, but it's my Sister in law. Her brother and father aren't willing to go to counciling with her or to be there for her, not even because if the addiction, most of it's their own crap too... but I am and always have been, even though as her mom has made it clear that I am just an inlaw and not really family since I am not blood.

Anyway, that was off the subject... She's in rehab now for about 3 weeks. We had an argument when I wouldn't agree with her about her using and her boyfriend and she flipped on me.. in a moment of anger with all that she was saying to me, I called her a junkie. About a week later, I wrote her a letter telling her that I love her very much but I couldn't be her crutch anymore. I told her that she could be part of her my kids and my life as soon as she is on the path to recovery. 2 weeks later, she went into rehab. Who knows if the letter had any ompact, but as soon as I found out I sent her encouragement books and cards and now send her cards a couple time a week and letters about once a week.

I said what I needed to say as an apology and told her everything that led up to me cutting her out of our lives. Now I just send encouragement cards and letters updating her on her neice and nephews and our lives. I told her that if she chooses to call and wants my support, I'll be there, but it is in her hands. As of yet, no contact from her.
It's hard, I love her as a sister, not as an inlaw and we were very very close, but if she is going through recovery I am sure that she is dealing with all of the emotions that she didn't even know she had, her relationship with me is probably on teh back burner because she knows that when she's ready I will be there... she ahs to figure out how she feels about alot of things, not just me right now and if she needs time to deal with tings and reassess our relationship with a sober mind, than I have to do what's right an allow her the time she needs to heal and deal with things.

For now, I'll wait patiently (even though it hurts to not know if we will ever have a relationship again) and send her words of encouragement from the sidelines. Who knows, maybe she's workingout how to not use me as a crutch before she can contact me again. I'll just have to wait and see and so will you. Hopefully, things will work out, but if you believe that what you did, cutting her off, was for her own good, which is how I feel... try not to regret it because you did what you thought was right. I cut her off for her own good and if she never speaks to me again, but gets the help she needs, then I don't regret it for a second. But, my heart does break for her a little.

MyJoey

Because you care, that's why. It is hard to spend a period of time with a person and then just erase them from your life. The sad thing is she don't care enough about herself. It would really be hard to have another relationship with her, the trust issue takes a long time to regain. I wish you well and hope you keep the peace you have. Julie