well here my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 10
well here my story
Hi
I just posted the first time but maybe I should tell a bit more about the last 3 years.
When I met my man 3 years ago I was so in love with him that I thought nothing could come in between us. Thats what he also used to say, babe nothing comes in between us, never. It was the perfect relationship until things came into the open. I learned that he is smoking crack (not in a pipe, I still have no idea if this makes a different??) but also believed when he said everything is under control. Well I felt pregnant and the problems only got worse. He let me down came back let me down again and came back. For the last 2 years I struggled, dont know what to believe and what not. He treated me like dirt but we still talked for hours and tried to fix things and now after a very rough time he separated from me telling me he`d love me but something is missing, telling me its 50-50 that he`s coming back to me and I am still so dependent on him, I want to let go but it`s so hard. Last week I left the country cause I thougt I would lose my mind and also to protect my daughter. I am now with my family,
could someone share their experience with me please. I still don`t know if its the drugs making him act that way cause he still says he can control it and he can think clear and it has nothing to do with the addiction.
I just posted the first time but maybe I should tell a bit more about the last 3 years.
When I met my man 3 years ago I was so in love with him that I thought nothing could come in between us. Thats what he also used to say, babe nothing comes in between us, never. It was the perfect relationship until things came into the open. I learned that he is smoking crack (not in a pipe, I still have no idea if this makes a different??) but also believed when he said everything is under control. Well I felt pregnant and the problems only got worse. He let me down came back let me down again and came back. For the last 2 years I struggled, dont know what to believe and what not. He treated me like dirt but we still talked for hours and tried to fix things and now after a very rough time he separated from me telling me he`d love me but something is missing, telling me its 50-50 that he`s coming back to me and I am still so dependent on him, I want to let go but it`s so hard. Last week I left the country cause I thougt I would lose my mind and also to protect my daughter. I am now with my family,
could someone share their experience with me please. I still don`t know if its the drugs making him act that way cause he still says he can control it and he can think clear and it has nothing to do with the addiction.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
I am sorry to hears about your struggles, I am going through a similar thing right now with my wife. She is in detox, our life together has been ruined by her drug use, and I am finding that I was doing all the wrong things for the right reasons. So now I am trying to take things one step at a time and the more I am away from her the better I feel. So enjoy your time away, and with any luck you and your kids will come out on top of this thing. The are two sayings that have kept my mind in check through all this so far.
1. I did not cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
2. What ever I am about to go through will not be worse than what I just went through.
Good luck, and keep posting and reading there are some solid folks on this forum.
1. I did not cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
2. What ever I am about to go through will not be worse than what I just went through.
Good luck, and keep posting and reading there are some solid folks on this forum.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Hey Mercy,
I'm new here too so I'm sorry...i got nothing. My situation isn't your extreme yet but it could progress to that. When I met my guy...same thing. We were so damn happy together and now everything seems miserable. I have snooped and found things in his phone to think he is using. Somedays I really believe it and know I need to do something and others I sweep it under the rug. I'm sorry you are going through what your going through but I know what it's like to be in love with someone that in the long run...u may just not be able to have. I know this sounds corny but I kinda compare it to the Twilight story (I can't help it...even at 30 I just love the story). You want each other so bad but you know it may never work and someone may get seriously hurt so the best thing to do is if you love em let em go. Like I said...I'm still struggling with the whole thing myself and can't bring myself to end it. Hang in there an I'm here to talk if you need to. Hugs and love to ya...
I'm new here too so I'm sorry...i got nothing. My situation isn't your extreme yet but it could progress to that. When I met my guy...same thing. We were so damn happy together and now everything seems miserable. I have snooped and found things in his phone to think he is using. Somedays I really believe it and know I need to do something and others I sweep it under the rug. I'm sorry you are going through what your going through but I know what it's like to be in love with someone that in the long run...u may just not be able to have. I know this sounds corny but I kinda compare it to the Twilight story (I can't help it...even at 30 I just love the story). You want each other so bad but you know it may never work and someone may get seriously hurt so the best thing to do is if you love em let em go. Like I said...I'm still struggling with the whole thing myself and can't bring myself to end it. Hang in there an I'm here to talk if you need to. Hugs and love to ya...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome mercy,
I am so very sorry you have found yourself abandoned by a drug addict and alone with his child. It is a tragic situation many here have lived through and have been able to find healing from, but like the death of someone we cherish, it takes a long time to feel happy again.
And because in his addict way he was able to confuse and manipulate and control you, was able to level your self-esteem and your faith in love and life, and has now made you so emotionally ill that you have fled in order to save yourself from complete breakdown.....because of all this, you are weakened and quite vulnerable because of your hurt and disbelief. This is because you have been shredded from relationship with a drug addict, and used as an object, not as a human being, and discarded like trash. This is what addicts can do in the height of their addiction.
I implore you to allow yourself time to recover from this emotional trauma and abuse by staying with your family as long as possible, trying to regain some strength as the days go by, committing yourself to the health of your little infant--who is innocent and who does not deserve the pain of being affected by an addict parent--and letting God, or whatever higher power you believe in, walk you through your heartache and loss.
Many here will be able to give strengthening words. So it is very very good you threw out that request for life support.
Just hang on and promise yourself to make it through each day with some dignity and with utter devotion to your child.
He does not care about either of you right now, nor will he ever really care, as long as he is obsessed with the drug.
It has shut off his ability to love and to sacrifice for anyone else. He has nothing to give.
You cannot know what the future holds, so right now, just making it through your days intact is the best you can do. Lean on others, cry your eyes out, but do not forget, your little baby has only this time--today--to experience infancy and you need to make sure it is a time of love and peace for your child.
Blessings to you both. Stay safe.
I am so very sorry you have found yourself abandoned by a drug addict and alone with his child. It is a tragic situation many here have lived through and have been able to find healing from, but like the death of someone we cherish, it takes a long time to feel happy again.
And because in his addict way he was able to confuse and manipulate and control you, was able to level your self-esteem and your faith in love and life, and has now made you so emotionally ill that you have fled in order to save yourself from complete breakdown.....because of all this, you are weakened and quite vulnerable because of your hurt and disbelief. This is because you have been shredded from relationship with a drug addict, and used as an object, not as a human being, and discarded like trash. This is what addicts can do in the height of their addiction.
I implore you to allow yourself time to recover from this emotional trauma and abuse by staying with your family as long as possible, trying to regain some strength as the days go by, committing yourself to the health of your little infant--who is innocent and who does not deserve the pain of being affected by an addict parent--and letting God, or whatever higher power you believe in, walk you through your heartache and loss.
Many here will be able to give strengthening words. So it is very very good you threw out that request for life support.
Just hang on and promise yourself to make it through each day with some dignity and with utter devotion to your child.
He does not care about either of you right now, nor will he ever really care, as long as he is obsessed with the drug.
It has shut off his ability to love and to sacrifice for anyone else. He has nothing to give.
You cannot know what the future holds, so right now, just making it through your days intact is the best you can do. Lean on others, cry your eyes out, but do not forget, your little baby has only this time--today--to experience infancy and you need to make sure it is a time of love and peace for your child.
Blessings to you both. Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am glad you found us. my son is my addict. he too is a crack addict.
he put his exwife thru h*ll. no doubt he love her & his children but the crank will always come first. it is a terrible life to live with an addict. until they really make up their minds they want to b clean it will not happen. you can not do it for them & nothing u do will keep him clean. read all the stickys at the top of the forum. read everything u can on this board. you decide what you want out of life. saying prayers for you & him both.
he put his exwife thru h*ll. no doubt he love her & his children but the crank will always come first. it is a terrible life to live with an addict. until they really make up their minds they want to b clean it will not happen. you can not do it for them & nothing u do will keep him clean. read all the stickys at the top of the forum. read everything u can on this board. you decide what you want out of life. saying prayers for you & him both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 10
Thank you so much for your replies. I am happy that I found that site.
Could you maybe help me with that, as I am just at the beginning to opening my eyes, is it the crack what makes him act that way or is it him. I cannot figure out why he is acting like that. he tells me he loves me but maybe not enough and that i have to let go. and it wouldnt be easy for him neither and that he misses me already but pushing those feelings to the site cause he tried it before and its still something missing in the relationship... makes no sense for me.
thanks for all your help again.
Could you maybe help me with that, as I am just at the beginning to opening my eyes, is it the crack what makes him act that way or is it him. I cannot figure out why he is acting like that. he tells me he loves me but maybe not enough and that i have to let go. and it wouldnt be easy for him neither and that he misses me already but pushing those feelings to the site cause he tried it before and its still something missing in the relationship... makes no sense for me.
thanks for all your help again.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
Trying to figure out the logic behind an active addicts brain is futile. An active addicts brain is insane. My AW was threatening to kill herself and physically fighting me, calling me names three nights ago. I just got a call from her (from a detox center) and she told me she can't imagine life without me. Does that not strike you as insane? One day she wants to harm me the next she can't live without me. My advice would be to focus on yourself, it is a waste of time to try and figure out the rational of an active addict's mind.
Its simple, but far from easy.
Its simple, but far from easy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Mercy,
It's the crack.
But it would be unwise to hope that he will hit bottom anytime soon, become a changed man, and come for you and your child and live thereafter in happiness. Oh sweetie, it is such a darkness-- addiction-- and even if he hit bottom tomorrow and went to rehab, it would be a long time before you had even a chance to be happily together. Long time as in years, not months. Because he would still be very unstable. He would be fighting the desire for the drug a long time after rehab. And odds are that he would relapse. It's just a sad fact of the disease.
What has happened is not your fault. Addicts ALWAYS try to make it our fault, say we are just not making them happy enough or they can't be with us for this reason or that reason.
But the truth is, we are standing between them and the drug.
That makes us the enemy.
And that is what I believe has happened to you.
If you can hand this to God and try to accept that whatever is happening in your life today--whatever your situation is--that it is part of the plan for you, you will be on the road to health.
If God wants you with your man, He will do it in His time and in His way. That is my belief. So do just try to stabilize yourself and take care of your child to your utmost ability as a mother.
Take care. Stay safe.
It's the crack.
But it would be unwise to hope that he will hit bottom anytime soon, become a changed man, and come for you and your child and live thereafter in happiness. Oh sweetie, it is such a darkness-- addiction-- and even if he hit bottom tomorrow and went to rehab, it would be a long time before you had even a chance to be happily together. Long time as in years, not months. Because he would still be very unstable. He would be fighting the desire for the drug a long time after rehab. And odds are that he would relapse. It's just a sad fact of the disease.
What has happened is not your fault. Addicts ALWAYS try to make it our fault, say we are just not making them happy enough or they can't be with us for this reason or that reason.
But the truth is, we are standing between them and the drug.
That makes us the enemy.
And that is what I believe has happened to you.
If you can hand this to God and try to accept that whatever is happening in your life today--whatever your situation is--that it is part of the plan for you, you will be on the road to health.
If God wants you with your man, He will do it in His time and in His way. That is my belief. So do just try to stabilize yourself and take care of your child to your utmost ability as a mother.
Take care. Stay safe.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey there and welcome to our safe place. Almost my whole family is an addict. Mostly to crack. I hate the stuff.
Maybe what is missing is his participation in the relationship. His relationship is with crack it is his lover and best friend. You are probably just something to wipe his feet on when he is out of money or dope.
its still something missing in the relationship...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Mercy))
Welcome to SR!!
It actually could be the crack or it could be him. My ex has been on crack for so long (25+ years) I don't know if he even knows who "he" really is, any more.
I'm a recovering crack addict. The fact that he thinks he has this "under control" tells me he doesn't and he's a long, long way from even thinking about quitting; the fact that he keeps saying there is "something missing in the relationship" tells me he is not reaady to settle down. He may say other things that contradict these, but I would pay attention to these, if it were me. I've been in relationships with 2 addicts and a functioning alcoholic and I would always downplay comments like these, and focus on "but he misses me!!" and things like that. The relationships never worked out.
I hope you keep reading and posting. No matter what happens with you and him, YOU and your child can have a very good life!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!!
It actually could be the crack or it could be him. My ex has been on crack for so long (25+ years) I don't know if he even knows who "he" really is, any more.
I'm a recovering crack addict. The fact that he thinks he has this "under control" tells me he doesn't and he's a long, long way from even thinking about quitting; the fact that he keeps saying there is "something missing in the relationship" tells me he is not reaady to settle down. He may say other things that contradict these, but I would pay attention to these, if it were me. I've been in relationships with 2 addicts and a functioning alcoholic and I would always downplay comments like these, and focus on "but he misses me!!" and things like that. The relationships never worked out.
I hope you keep reading and posting. No matter what happens with you and him, YOU and your child can have a very good life!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I work in the addiction field and something that is being implemented more and more today is the recognition of Concurrent Disorders...the combination of mental illness and addiction. At the point of addiction, it doesn't matter which came first because both have to be treated and the mental disorders cannot even be assessed until they are clean for at least 6 months. Addiction is often the symptom of a deeper problem and a way to mask the pain.
My heart goes out to you, crack is a tough one to beat, for them and for us. There is no such thing as "controlled use" or "casual using", crack grabs them hard and is difficult to shake...but it can be done if the addict is willing to do what he needs to do to recovery.
Welcome to SR, and take a read around, you will find many here who share your pain and would like to offer to share their recovery too.
Hugs
P.S. My son began as a crack addict (he's got worse over time, ) and he smoked it out of a pop can with holes punched in it. A crack pipe is not the only way to smoke crack, any material that will hold the smoke while the user inhales is good enough for most.
My heart goes out to you, crack is a tough one to beat, for them and for us. There is no such thing as "controlled use" or "casual using", crack grabs them hard and is difficult to shake...but it can be done if the addict is willing to do what he needs to do to recovery.
Welcome to SR, and take a read around, you will find many here who share your pain and would like to offer to share their recovery too.
Hugs
P.S. My son began as a crack addict (he's got worse over time, ) and he smoked it out of a pop can with holes punched in it. A crack pipe is not the only way to smoke crack, any material that will hold the smoke while the user inhales is good enough for most.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
Hey Mercy, my sis-in-law is the addict in the family, she and my brother live in the house that I co-own with my bro (it was our parent's and we inheirted it). They have a child, but he got taken away from them by Children's Protective Services due to her drug use. THere was no physical abuse or deprivation, just the crazy drama that comes with an addict in the house. Disappearing for hours or days at a time. Arguments over money, jobs, relationships. Cops coming over to arrest her.
Because Crack is illegal, your BF is getting it from criminals. Criminals who have turf wars regularly, who beat up customers who dont pay up, etc. Do you really want to expose your daughter to that danger?
Because Crack is illegal, your BF is getting it from criminals. Criminals who have turf wars regularly, who beat up customers who dont pay up, etc. Do you really want to expose your daughter to that danger?
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