How not to have a relationship/marriage...

Old 05-20-2009, 10:56 AM
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How not to have a relationship/marriage...

I fell in love with his 'potential'. Holy crap, was that ever an eye-opener for me when I finally, after years and years of repeating the same pattern with sick relationships, took that scary plunge and started addressing my codependency issues.

My pattern with relationships for so long was all or nothing. It was jump in bed first, get his name/address later. I usually had them moved in less than a month after the initial romp in the hay.

My first husband was/is a great guy, the clean cut all American boy next door. Even at the tender young age of 19, he wanted to do the right thing and marry me because I was pregnant.

Let's face it. He was boring. He didn't like to party like I did, he was a responsible employee, he paid the bills. He even worked for his uncle on his days off repairing rentals/mowing because we rented from his uncle, and that reduced our rent.

So, after three years of putting up with me going out all hours of the night to party while he was home with the baby, multiple infidelites from me, he had enough and left. He never looked back, and good for him! He married a wonderful lady after our divorce, had two sons, and we have a good relationship today.

Enter hubby #2, blue-eyed, wild haired, tattooed and fresh out of the penitentiary for the second time.

Now I ask you, who of us is NOT on our best behavior during the 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship? I would bend over backwards just to convince a potential 'mate' that I was one hell of a catch!

He wined and dined me, and I'm sure I had moved him in less than a month after the initial romp in the hay.

I never let go of those glory days in the beginning of our relationship. After everything was crumbling around me and my world was getting darker by the minute, I clung to that.

I KNEW what he could be. Nevermind we are on our best behavior in the early days.

I'll never forget the first time he hit me either. He bawled like a baby, wailing that he had 'never' hit a woman before.

You know what my brain heard? "I've never hit a woman before, so there's obviously something wrong with you."

That set the stage for 5 long hellish, brutal years with that man. I was convinced I was defective in some way, and by God I was going to do my best to fix that. I would prove to him that I was worthy of his love.

Every time he hit me, slapped me, kicked me, threw me down...it just further convinced me I was defective and wasn't trying hard enough.

If I were prettier, smarter, more patient, more kind, gave him more back rubs, quit b*tching about his friends, didn't rag on him when he'd go to get a pack of cigarettes and come home 3 days later, the list could go on forever till you vomited.

Eventually I became completely isolated from friends and family. I had no self-esteem. I was so enmeshed with him that I couldn't discern where I ended and he began. My every moved hinged on what he was/wasn't doing.

My entire world was wrapped up in him, and in the middle of all of this was a little girl who was neglected, scared, and I'm sure feeling very alone. I couldn't be there for her because it was all about HIM, and my desperation in trying to please him.

All I can say is through a series of events, God intervened and did for me what I could not do for myself. Left to my own devices, I would have stayed till he killed me, or I committed suicide because of the overwhelming pain of living with an addict.

Work on my own addictions came first, and then I had to continue engaging in more unhealthy relationships for 13 more years before I hit my codependent bottom.

Not a single one of those relationships was with a raging, tattooed, currently-on-parole addict, so I rationalized they were different. At best they were emotionally unavailable. At worst they were emotionally abusive.

In 1999, my ex-fiance walked out on me, and that's when my eyes were finally opened to not only my pain, but the pain of my daughters, my granddaughter, and my parents. Again I had rationalized that he was different, but in reality he was a dry drunk, had come straight out of a bad marriage, and wasn't even divorced yet when he moved in with me. What's wrong with that picture?

I don't fall in love with potential anymore. I don't live in fantasy thinking. I don't hop in the sack first and get names later. I haven't moved a man into my house for almost 10 years now. I don't shoot myself in the foot anymore when I experience loneliness (which is rarely now), and start looking for that knight in shining armor (and my past choices all ended up wearing a rusty bucket on their head).

Today I stay true to myself, not compromising my morals/beliefs, and I trust that God will never steer me wrong as long as I keep him close.
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:05 AM
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Thanks for the reminder to continue working on ME! I've been separated almost 8 months from my AH now and don't want to repeat the same kind of relationship in the future....
and I see how easy it would be.... especially when the loneliness hits.
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:20 AM
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You forgot to add that you thought he was your soulmate ( wink-wink).
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
You forgot to add that you thought he was your soulmate ( wink-wink).
Oh my God, yes yes yes! We were made for each other, we had that special connection that most people never get to experience! Now I see that special connection was sick cloying codependency with a lot of good sex thrown in too. I mean, if he was having sex with me, he loved me, right? *gag*
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