suchAsucker

Mixed emotions about my ex-addict fiance. Just watching him from afar, not obsessively, but glancing back to assure myself that I was right to leave him... I have not doubt that it was the only option left: moving far away.

It's so pitiful to watch his rapid descent into chaos. In 3 weeks he's lost all his savings, been ticketed by police for trespass, his cell phone is now dead, spent on texting his dealers, etc. I think that when I left he no longer had to sneak with his drug usage and just went at it balls-up.

I guiltily feel so much selfish relief to be out of the insanity. Already lost 7 pounds by exercising and focusing on me and my needs. My finances are getting under control (no longer the bleed of cash). My mental state is settling into a very calm state. All of this is good for me...

But along with the joy of being free, there is also this under-current of total sadness for what he's doing/becoming... The crack-beast is now completely unleashed and out-of-control, and it makes me want to cry for him during random moments of the day. It is really, really awful knowing that there is nothing I can do to help him. I just feel like he is wandering thru the Desert alone. I pray that God/HP helps him put one foot in front of the other.

Then at other times, I'm angry at myself for spending 2.8 years believing that he could change. Angry, what a waste of MY time, MY money, MY life, MY hopes/dreams. I'm angry at HIM for giving me false hope and lying to me that everything was going to be OK. Angry at MYSELF for believing him.

And then, upon reflection, find comfort that I had it in me to love him. Reflecting upon the good memories: dancing, dining, laughing and cooking together. I take away from the relationship so many good memories, too, and will always have those. I guess I'm just mourning for a lifetime I expected to have with him for the next 20 years, knowing it will never be.

No replies expected, just needed to post.. Thx..

Hope87

Hey Sucker,

Just wanted to say hi and sorry about what you're going through. I've only been with my guy for a year (next month) and I read your story and think (still not sure although I know I SHOULD be) about when/if I need that time to come for me. I think about what you're feeling and going through and that makes me NOT what to do it. But look at it this way....Good for you for having the guts to get yourself up and out of a bad situation. When relationships end for reasons we don't see important enough (I'm sure it was all his addiction...not cause you didn't love him) it makes it almost impossible to let go. But Not today, next week, next month or even next year for that matter will you feel better but in time you will. Every day will get better. Best of luck to ya. I"m at a different phase than you right now...should probably even take some of my own advice...but here to listen or if ya need to vent... God Bless and hugs to ya!

Freedom1990

I went through survivor's guilt for a long time after I left the EXAH. I had gotten help, and stayed clean/sober, while he continued to spiral downwards.

He died three years ago from complications due to AIDS. The scary thing is he contracted it while I was in rehab, and had I gone home to him after rehab, I would have gotten it from him too.

Today I am grateful to be where I am in recovery, and I no longer have that survivor's guilt.

:ghug :ghug