I've got noise in my thoughts - Question!
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I've got noise in my thoughts - Question!
I was having a pretty decent morning... minding my own business and then this nauseating thought jumped into my head... and I've been a mess ever since... and I'll try to make this short.
I've posted before on a couple of threads that my AH had left... the last time he left was this past Monday. I made it clear when he left this time that this would be the last time.... no more rubberbanding. I've been coming to grips with everything so far and have been doing quite well. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it and I can't cure it and I'm strong in the decision that this relationship was not healthy and it was deteriorating beyond my comfort zone.
When he left this past Monday he had been pretty nasty for the majority of the week... especially on Monday... One of my boundaries was that I would not tolerate him drinking more than the allotted amount that his Doctor said his liver could tolerate... 4 ounces a week. If he wanted to drink the 4 ounces I didn't ride him about it... but I also wasn't play mommy and dole out the 4 ounces either... (tried that and it hadn't worked)
Anyway this past Monday he was in a really pissy mood and decided he was going to leave.... and I said "if you leave again.... you won't be welcome to come back." Then he shouted "You won't have to worry about that". Of course since then he's declared a number of times that he didn't want a divorce... but that we just spent too much time together and that was the problem... (not his relapses).
He did not say that he was leaving to drink... he was leaving because he was just not happy... My codie ways and his behavior tells me that he wanted to just get plastered and do everything....(which he has done)
Did I set this up for him to leave? I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.... this question is really eating at me right now... did I set him up or am I just falling for the bs noise from him and myself?
Thanks.
I've posted before on a couple of threads that my AH had left... the last time he left was this past Monday. I made it clear when he left this time that this would be the last time.... no more rubberbanding. I've been coming to grips with everything so far and have been doing quite well. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it and I can't cure it and I'm strong in the decision that this relationship was not healthy and it was deteriorating beyond my comfort zone.
When he left this past Monday he had been pretty nasty for the majority of the week... especially on Monday... One of my boundaries was that I would not tolerate him drinking more than the allotted amount that his Doctor said his liver could tolerate... 4 ounces a week. If he wanted to drink the 4 ounces I didn't ride him about it... but I also wasn't play mommy and dole out the 4 ounces either... (tried that and it hadn't worked)
Anyway this past Monday he was in a really pissy mood and decided he was going to leave.... and I said "if you leave again.... you won't be welcome to come back." Then he shouted "You won't have to worry about that". Of course since then he's declared a number of times that he didn't want a divorce... but that we just spent too much time together and that was the problem... (not his relapses).
He did not say that he was leaving to drink... he was leaving because he was just not happy... My codie ways and his behavior tells me that he wanted to just get plastered and do everything....(which he has done)
Did I set this up for him to leave? I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.... this question is really eating at me right now... did I set him up or am I just falling for the bs noise from him and myself?
Thanks.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Only you know for sure, but if you can hear the noise, that is a clear clue right there. Change is usually difficult, so it won't be the first time you wonder about your actions. These present challenges did not happen overnight and most likely will take some time before they are worked out to a comfortable level.
Best wishes!
Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
No, No, No....you did not set him up! Get that out of your head. It is all part of their plan, to twist it around and make it look like something else, they use it for an excuse to pick-up the booze or the drug. My exah was a master at this game, he would leave and I would be a mess full of guilt.
He is leaving because you spend to much time together....you are married! Leaving because he is not happy...more than likely not happy because he is not allowed more than he 4oz. I don't think it is the codie in you telling you what is up, he is telling you what is up...it is all part of the master plan.
Rose
He is leaving because you spend to much time together....you are married! Leaving because he is not happy...more than likely not happy because he is not allowed more than he 4oz. I don't think it is the codie in you telling you what is up, he is telling you what is up...it is all part of the master plan.
Rose
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Chicken or the egg?
Do addicts/alcoholics relapse because they do not deal well with the ups and downs of life or do they create their own situations that rationalize drinking or using?
Or maybe it's just as simple as getting high or drunk because they want to do so.
Or maybe it's just as simple as getting high or drunk because they want to do so.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It doesn't matter why he left, from what you said it was time you too had some distance to clear your heads.
What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Does this relationship bring anything healthy to you or is it just an ongoing situation that is easier to live with than to live without.
Only you can decide the outcome, but remember it doesn't matter who said what to whom and why, what matters is the rest of your life and how you want to spend it.
Hugs
What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Does this relationship bring anything healthy to you or is it just an ongoing situation that is easier to live with than to live without.
Only you can decide the outcome, but remember it doesn't matter who said what to whom and why, what matters is the rest of your life and how you want to spend it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Your question:
Your answer:
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Originally Posted by Hammerhead 
Did I set this up for him to leave?
Originally Posted by Hammerhead
I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
Did I set this up for him to leave? I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.... this question is really eating at me right now... did I set him up or am I just falling for the bs noise from him and myself?
Thanks.[/QUOTE]
Him Him Him, what about You You You?
You won't be able to solve your problems through him so what are you avoiding with you?
Much love and light!~Cheryl
Thanks.[/QUOTE]
Him Him Him, what about You You You?
You won't be able to solve your problems through him so what are you avoiding with you?
Much love and light!~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kwigers
Him Him Him, what about You You You?
You won't be able to solve your problems through him so what are you avoiding with you?
You won't be able to solve your problems through him so what are you avoiding with you?
Actually, if you would take the time to read back through some of her prior posts, she's been doing a pretty good job of working on herself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
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Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Ann
It doesn't matter why he left, from what you said it was time you too had some distance to clear your heads.
What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Does this relationship bring anything healthy to you or is it just an ongoing situation that is easier to live with than to live without.
Only you can decide the outcome, but remember it doesn't matter who said what to whom and why, what matters is the rest of your life and how you want to spend it.
Hugs
What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Does this relationship bring anything healthy to you or is it just an ongoing situation that is easier to live with than to live without.
Only you can decide the outcome, but remember it doesn't matter who said what to whom and why, what matters is the rest of your life and how you want to spend it.
Hugs
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Actually, if you would take the time to read back through some of her prior posts, she's been doing a pretty good job of working on herself.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Hammerhead))
There are times, when I've made a decision and at the time, I know it's the right thing to do. Then a little while later, I am all in a tizzy because my mind comes up with all kinds of things, where I can see that maybe I wasn't right...I call it "analysis paralysis". If I just stop obsessing over it, take a break and think or do anything else, especially something fun, I will eventually realize that my first instict was right, all along.
Change is scary, even when it's a good thing. You've made a change, and a very good one I might add, but it's normal to be thinking "OMG, have I made a mistake?"
Take a break, take a deep breath and find something to do that has nothing to do with this situation. I think you've already answered your questions, and you are doing everything you need to do to take care of you.
Hug and prayers!
Amy
There are times, when I've made a decision and at the time, I know it's the right thing to do. Then a little while later, I am all in a tizzy because my mind comes up with all kinds of things, where I can see that maybe I wasn't right...I call it "analysis paralysis". If I just stop obsessing over it, take a break and think or do anything else, especially something fun
, I will eventually realize that my first instict was right, all along.Change is scary, even when it's a good thing. You've made a change, and a very good one I might add, but it's normal to be thinking "OMG, have I made a mistake?"
Take a break, take a deep breath and find something to do that has nothing to do with this situation. I think you've already answered your questions, and you are doing everything you need to do to take care of you.
Hug and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
((Hammerhead))
There are times, when I've made a decision and at the time, I know it's the right thing to do. Then a little while later, I am all in a tizzy because my mind comes up with all kinds of things, where I can see that maybe I wasn't right...I call it "analysis paralysis". If I just stop obsessing over it, take a break and think or do anything else, especially something fun, I will eventually realize that my first instict was right, all along.
Change is scary, even when it's a good thing. You've made a change, and a very good one I might add, but it's normal to be thinking "OMG, have I made a mistake?"
Take a break, take a deep breath and find something to do that has nothing to do with this situation. I think you've already answered your questions, and you are doing everything you need to do to take care of you.
Hug and prayers!
Amy
There are times, when I've made a decision and at the time, I know it's the right thing to do. Then a little while later, I am all in a tizzy because my mind comes up with all kinds of things, where I can see that maybe I wasn't right...I call it "analysis paralysis". If I just stop obsessing over it, take a break and think or do anything else, especially something fun
, I will eventually realize that my first instict was right, all along.Change is scary, even when it's a good thing. You've made a change, and a very good one I might add, but it's normal to be thinking "OMG, have I made a mistake?"
Take a break, take a deep breath and find something to do that has nothing to do with this situation. I think you've already answered your questions, and you are doing everything you need to do to take care of you.
Hug and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sweetie, don't feel silly about the tears...just go rent or watch a sad movie, like I do so you have an excuse I never could figure out why I needed an excuse, though, when I was living by myself?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I never could figure out why I needed an excuse, though, when I was living by myself?Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know for me, I'm always the last to see the progress I've made! 
Seems others always have to point it out to me first!
Crying can be very therapeutic. I've got a quote written down in the front of my Big Book, and can't remember where I first heard it, but it reads: "Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body."
:ghug :ghug
Seems others always have to point it out to me first!
Crying can be very therapeutic. I've got a quote written down in the front of my Big Book, and can't remember where I first heard it, but it reads: "Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body."
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I've decided that "forward" "new" "change" is never a mistake. Growth feels good in the end even if the road is bumpy.
It may not turn out the way I had anticipated or wanted but at least it is not facing the same old stuff that I KNOW was/is making me unhappy. Being in a stagnated life is just another form of prison.
I'm not going to tell you how many years (decades) it took me to figure this out.
Also a really good friend of mine always likes to remind me that the "right thing" is not always the "easy thing".
There is a lot to mourn at the end of a relationship even if the relationship was unhealthy and fraught with problems. Being sad is normal.
It may not turn out the way I had anticipated or wanted but at least it is not facing the same old stuff that I KNOW was/is making me unhappy. Being in a stagnated life is just another form of prison.
I'm not going to tell you how many years (decades) it took me to figure this out.
Also a really good friend of mine always likes to remind me that the "right thing" is not always the "easy thing".
There is a lot to mourn at the end of a relationship even if the relationship was unhealthy and fraught with problems. Being sad is normal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
"Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body."
Originally Posted by gowest
I've decided that "forward" "new" "change" is never a mistake. Growth feels good in the end even if the road is bumpy.
It may not turn out the way I had anticipated or wanted but at least it is not facing the same old stuff that I KNOW was/is making me unhappy. Being in a stagnated life is just another form of prison.
I'm not going to tell you how many years (decades) it took me to figure this out.
Also a really good friend of mine always likes to remind me that the "right thing" is not always the "easy thing".
There is a lot to mourn at the end of a relationship even if the relationship was unhealthy and fraught with problems. Being sad is normal.
It may not turn out the way I had anticipated or wanted but at least it is not facing the same old stuff that I KNOW was/is making me unhappy. Being in a stagnated life is just another form of prison.
I'm not going to tell you how many years (decades) it took me to figure this out.
Also a really good friend of mine always likes to remind me that the "right thing" is not always the "easy thing".
There is a lot to mourn at the end of a relationship even if the relationship was unhealthy and fraught with problems. Being sad is normal.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
speaking from personal experience, addicts will use ANYTHING as an EXCUSE to go do whatever the hell they want! let's see, is it raining? can't find matching socks? or the nail clippers? garbage day? tuesday? TOday?
if he was truly invested in the relationship, he'd have made different choices, ones that do NOT include stomping off in a huff. did YOU set him up? nope. you simply unshackled yourself and are no longer getting dragged along in HIS wake.
if he was truly invested in the relationship, he'd have made different choices, ones that do NOT include stomping off in a huff. did YOU set him up? nope. you simply unshackled yourself and are no longer getting dragged along in HIS wake.
I am eternally thankful that I have found this messageboard and have found the light for my path during this dark time. Thank you ALL for your responses... you ALL are the best. God bless you ALL.
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