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I've got noise in my thoughts - Question!

Old 05-16-2009, 10:23 AM
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Question I've got noise in my thoughts - Question!

I was having a pretty decent morning... minding my own business and then this nauseating thought jumped into my head... and I've been a mess ever since... and I'll try to make this short.

I've posted before on a couple of threads that my AH had left... the last time he left was this past Monday. I made it clear when he left this time that this would be the last time.... no more rubberbanding. I've been coming to grips with everything so far and have been doing quite well. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it and I can't cure it and I'm strong in the decision that this relationship was not healthy and it was deteriorating beyond my comfort zone.

When he left this past Monday he had been pretty nasty for the majority of the week... especially on Monday... One of my boundaries was that I would not tolerate him drinking more than the allotted amount that his Doctor said his liver could tolerate... 4 ounces a week. If he wanted to drink the 4 ounces I didn't ride him about it... but I also wasn't play mommy and dole out the 4 ounces either... (tried that and it hadn't worked)

Anyway this past Monday he was in a really pissy mood and decided he was going to leave.... and I said "if you leave again.... you won't be welcome to come back." Then he shouted "You won't have to worry about that". Of course since then he's declared a number of times that he didn't want a divorce... but that we just spent too much time together and that was the problem... (not his relapses).

He did not say that he was leaving to drink... he was leaving because he was just not happy... My codie ways and his behavior tells me that he wanted to just get plastered and do everything....(which he has done)

Did I set this up for him to leave? I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.... this question is really eating at me right now... did I set him up or am I just falling for the bs noise from him and myself?

Thanks.
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Old 05-16-2009, 10:43 AM
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Only you know for sure, but if you can hear the noise, that is a clear clue right there. Change is usually difficult, so it won't be the first time you wonder about your actions. These present challenges did not happen overnight and most likely will take some time before they are worked out to a comfortable level.

Best wishes!
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Old 05-16-2009, 10:50 AM
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No, No, No....you did not set him up! Get that out of your head. It is all part of their plan, to twist it around and make it look like something else, they use it for an excuse to pick-up the booze or the drug. My exah was a master at this game, he would leave and I would be a mess full of guilt.

He is leaving because you spend to much time together....you are married! Leaving because he is not happy...more than likely not happy because he is not allowed more than he 4oz. I don't think it is the codie in you telling you what is up, he is telling you what is up...it is all part of the master plan.

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Old 05-16-2009, 12:01 PM
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Chicken or the egg?

Do addicts/alcoholics relapse because they do not deal well with the ups and downs of life or do they create their own situations that rationalize drinking or using?

Or maybe it's just as simple as getting high or drunk because they want to do so.
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Old 05-16-2009, 12:10 PM
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It doesn't matter why he left, from what you said it was time you too had some distance to clear your heads.

What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Does this relationship bring anything healthy to you or is it just an ongoing situation that is easier to live with than to live without.

Only you can decide the outcome, but remember it doesn't matter who said what to whom and why, what matters is the rest of your life and how you want to spend it.

Hugs
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Old 05-16-2009, 12:49 PM
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Your question:
Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
Did I set this up for him to leave?
Your answer:
Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:15 PM
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Did I set this up for him to leave? I know it was his choice to leave and I have no control over him.... this question is really eating at me right now... did I set him up or am I just falling for the bs noise from him and myself?

Thanks.[/QUOTE]

Him Him Him, what about You You You?
You won't be able to solve your problems through him so what are you avoiding with you?
Much love and light!~Cheryl
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by kwigers View Post
Him Him Him, what about You You You?
You won't be able to solve your problems through him so what are you avoiding with you?

Actually, if you would take the time to read back through some of her prior posts, she's been doing a pretty good job of working on herself.
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
It doesn't matter why he left, from what you said it was time you too had some distance to clear your heads.

What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Does this relationship bring anything healthy to you or is it just an ongoing situation that is easier to live with than to live without.

Only you can decide the outcome, but remember it doesn't matter who said what to whom and why, what matters is the rest of your life and how you want to spend it.

Hugs
You are so right... it doesn't matter why he left... it's just so freakin painful... I've always considered myself independent and smart... I swear to you I haven't cried but a few times this week... but today... I can't seem to stop the tears. I hate being a blubbering, sniffing whiny a$$...


Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Actually, if you would take the time to read back through some of her prior posts, she's been doing a pretty good job of working on herself.
I appreciate your vote of confidence Freedom... I'm always drawn to your posts and I have found much inspiration in your words. Thank you for your comforting words today. I will continue to work hard. As my Marine brother says "Pain is weakness leaving the body." Ya gotta love that
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:46 PM
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((Hammerhead))

There are times, when I've made a decision and at the time, I know it's the right thing to do. Then a little while later, I am all in a tizzy because my mind comes up with all kinds of things, where I can see that maybe I wasn't right...I call it "analysis paralysis". If I just stop obsessing over it, take a break and think or do anything else, especially something fun, I will eventually realize that my first instict was right, all along.

Change is scary, even when it's a good thing. You've made a change, and a very good one I might add, but it's normal to be thinking "OMG, have I made a mistake?"

Take a break, take a deep breath and find something to do that has nothing to do with this situation. I think you've already answered your questions, and you are doing everything you need to do to take care of you.

Hug and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
((Hammerhead))

There are times, when I've made a decision and at the time, I know it's the right thing to do. Then a little while later, I am all in a tizzy because my mind comes up with all kinds of things, where I can see that maybe I wasn't right...I call it "analysis paralysis". If I just stop obsessing over it, take a break and think or do anything else, especially something fun, I will eventually realize that my first instict was right, all along.

Change is scary, even when it's a good thing. You've made a change, and a very good one I might add, but it's normal to be thinking "OMG, have I made a mistake?"

Take a break, take a deep breath and find something to do that has nothing to do with this situation. I think you've already answered your questions, and you are doing everything you need to do to take care of you.

Hug and prayers!

Amy
Thank you Impurrfect. I appreciate your response... I really feel a bit silly with all the tears... and I realize that I should not confuse my emotions with the progress I've made.... it was nice to hear from you. Thanks.
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Old 05-16-2009, 02:01 PM
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Sweetie, don't feel silly about the tears...just go rent or watch a sad movie, like I do so you have an excuse I never could figure out why I needed an excuse, though, when I was living by myself?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-16-2009, 02:06 PM
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I know for me, I'm always the last to see the progress I've made!

Seems others always have to point it out to me first!

Crying can be very therapeutic. I've got a quote written down in the front of my Big Book, and can't remember where I first heard it, but it reads: "Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body."

:ghug :ghug
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Old 05-16-2009, 02:07 PM
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I've decided that "forward" "new" "change" is never a mistake. Growth feels good in the end even if the road is bumpy.

It may not turn out the way I had anticipated or wanted but at least it is not facing the same old stuff that I KNOW was/is making me unhappy. Being in a stagnated life is just another form of prison.

I'm not going to tell you how many years (decades) it took me to figure this out.

Also a really good friend of mine always likes to remind me that the "right thing" is not always the "easy thing".

There is a lot to mourn at the end of a relationship even if the relationship was unhealthy and fraught with problems. Being sad is normal.
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Old 05-16-2009, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
"Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body."
I like this quote... well perhaps I'll take a bubble bath so I'll stay in balance!

Originally Posted by gowest View Post
I've decided that "forward" "new" "change" is never a mistake. Growth feels good in the end even if the road is bumpy.

It may not turn out the way I had anticipated or wanted but at least it is not facing the same old stuff that I KNOW was/is making me unhappy. Being in a stagnated life is just another form of prison.

I'm not going to tell you how many years (decades) it took me to figure this out.

Also a really good friend of mine always likes to remind me that the "right thing" is not always the "easy thing".

There is a lot to mourn at the end of a relationship even if the relationship was unhealthy and fraught with problems. Being sad is normal.
It is posts like yours that I've read... about decades that has been my real wake up. Bless you for sharing and your words are not wasted here. Thank you!!!

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
speaking from personal experience, addicts will use ANYTHING as an EXCUSE to go do whatever the hell they want! let's see, is it raining? can't find matching socks? or the nail clippers? garbage day? tuesday? TOday?

if he was truly invested in the relationship, he'd have made different choices, ones that do NOT include stomping off in a huff. did YOU set him up? nope. you simply unshackled yourself and are no longer getting dragged along in HIS wake.
Anvilhead... I've thought of you often... you are my inspiration... and you always seem to find the right words to say... as a matter of fact it is raining here... and I believe you when you say "that if he was truly invested in the relationship, he's have made different choices."

I am eternally thankful that I have found this messageboard and have found the light for my path during this dark time. Thank you ALL for your responses... you ALL are the best. God bless you ALL.
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