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Old 05-15-2009, 09:47 PM
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tired...

I'm feeling really really sad tonight, especially because I had been feeling so happy and hopeful just this afternoon. After a long and very difficult evening that I don't even want to get into (suffice to say it did involve a discussion about very recent heroin use), it comes down to the fact the my husband does not feel that he will ever be truly happy and thinks he just needs to resign himself to this and move on with his life. He said he has never gotten anything he wanted out of life, so why should he expect anything now. I said that I was not prepared to resign myself to a life of unhappiness and that I did not want HIM to resign himself to a life of unhappiness because I love him. I said I thought maybe we should separate for a while and see where it led us, which brought the response "what, you mean separate so you can be with someone else?" Says he doesn't want to split up, 5 minutes after telling me how unhappy he is all the time. I think I may be giving up the fight and it's really making me sad. It's not even really about the drug use, as strange as that may sound. It's deeper than that - I'm just really tired of everything being a struggle. Everything I said was wrong, it's like neither of us can really understand what the other is saying. I really really don't want to seperate from him, I am still as deeply in love with him as ever, but I just don't know what else to do. I've run out of ideas, and I'm tired. I don't know, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, but tonight I'm feeling really beaten down by life and I don't know how to get over it.
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:56 PM
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Daisy,
It's late on the east coast but we are still up here out west. There are others here who will have very good words for you, some will be just what you need to hear. For now I will respond.

When you describe him and what he said and what you feel, all I can think is that the addiction is winning. It is convincing him that he cannot live without it and that he must cave in to it. This is the addict voice and it is very much in charge.

It also wants YOU to cooperate. It wants you to feel so depressed that you cave in to it, too, and give him no bottom lines, change nothing in your life with him, and feel as depressed and as hopeless as he says he feels.

That way the addiction gets to take both of you down.

So, all I can encourage tonight is that you continue to pray to God for guidance, for the right people to speak to you and cross your path and help you as you do what is necessary.

Your husband today is in bondage to a power greater than himself. His only way out is to find something that is a power greater even than that.

In the 12 step programs, that would be God. The God of his understanding. He cannot fight this addiction alone and he cannot fight it with only you by his side.

He needs the spiritual fellowship of other addicts who know what he is up against and can lead him out of the hell he is in.

You cannot do it. But they can.

If he does not wholeheartedly commit himself to seek recovery with a fellowship of other addicts and perhaps addiction counselors....then what he is feeling today and what you are feeling today will never ever change. Well,,,yes it will. It will get worse. It will become much much darker. You know this.

YOU HAVE TO STAND UP to the addiction. You have to DRAW A LINE. His addiction wants you to love him so much that you will never draw that line, never separate, never fight it the right way (and you KNOW what the right way is: you do not enable it in any way by allowing the status quo to continue).

You say "it is not about the drugs" really. Your sadness.

Daisy, it is ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS because the DRUGS ARE DESTROYING HIM. And it is the DRUG that is killing you inside.

So you need to get clear that there is a FORCE inside him and inside your marriage and inside you that is going to take you both down unless at least ONE of you gets into real recovery and makes CONCRETE, mature, HEROIC changes to fight the disease that is sucking the human spirit out of you both.

In the morning I hope a night's sleep will have given you the resolve you need to be firm about your unwillingness to go along with his addiction as it KILLS HIM. And I hope you will find the support from others to help you make the changes which MUST be made to fight that beast.

I am so sorry you are sad and depleted. But you have to FIGHT. And there is a right way to do it and you CAN, by God, do it. You love him. Draw a line against his disease.

much love to you,
Bluejay
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Old 05-15-2009, 11:52 PM
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Sorry I couldn't reply to your welcoming PM, Daisy- I don't have enough posts yet to be able to!

I often feel SO much worse when I'm tired- it's impossible to think clearly. So certainly don't make any big decisions until you've had some sleep.

I don't see you separating as a failure at all, although I can see why you might. I've done a crash course on addiction over the past few weeks, as you know, and one thing I have learnt is that however much you might love someone, you can't change FOR them.

I think you owe it to yourself and your children to do whatever YOU need to do to preserve your health and safety. If that means separation, then so be it. Don't be misled into believing YOU have split up the family, though.

I told my husband he could either have an active drug habit or a family, he couldn't have both.

Thinking of you.
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Old 05-16-2009, 06:32 AM
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Thanks, night-owls, for your responses. I am feeling not much better this morning, but I'm not crying anymore, so I guess that's good...

I have a concern about 12-step recovery for myself...I don't really believe in God. Is there some alternative to God?

You know what's the hardest? Continuing with the rest of life like it's ok. I need to take my 4 yr old to our Mommy & Me class this morning, and deal with all these people and pretend like I have a normal life like everyone else.

~Daisy
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Daisy09 View Post

You know what's the hardest? Continuing with the rest of life like it's ok. I need to take my 4 yr old to our Mommy & Me class this morning, and deal with all these people and pretend like I have a normal life like everyone else.

~Daisy
I have learned that when you really get to know people, many of them do not have a normal life either. They are pretending too.

I don't pretend to have any other life than the one I have and it is much less stressful. Just a thought ....
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:13 AM
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Life shouldn't be one long continuous struggle. Granted we all experience tough times, but those come and go.

I made life a struggle for so many years because I made the choice to engage in unhealthy relationships. I rationalized it was better than being alone.

Today I don't have to live that way. Once I quit dancing the dance of insanity with unhealthy men, made a firm resolve to myself to start healing, things ever so slowly started to turn around for me.

:ghug :ghug :ghug
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:42 AM
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Daisy..this division of feelings also comes between parents that have a child that is an addict. When discovering that my son was into crack,my husband and I could hardly speak to each other because we were internalizing our feelings rather than giving them life. By this I mean we each had different moments of anguish at different times and didn't want to intrude on the other as it only brought forward that gut wrenching sickness that neither of us wanted to face which brought forward a fear of having to tell each other that although we loved each other and our son we just couldn't find joy in this cruel discovery as it seemed hopeless.

Eventually I found that if I felt joy I would laugh out loud..believe me it took time to even smile any longer. My husband would say to me I haven't heard you laugh forever..what is it? I would relate to him that the most simpliest reading of whatever gave me that second of laughter..he then would smile as well.

It taught me not to hold back as the only thing that I was guilty of was not understanding and not sharing. It took many months of not being on the same page but eventually by showing the emotion whether it be sadness or joy we came together.

Even if they don't want to hear what is being said I feel it is important to say it regardless, after all you are both in the same home and you are sharing life together.
Be patient with yourself first and perhaps vocalize your joys however they come because I do know that each and every day there is a small smile in every one of us. Teach by example if need be, you are not the addict .. thank HP so be a leader by example.

Just a few little things I did until we were both feeling that however we shared at least we were sharing and this brought us back to living. It does take time.

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Old 05-16-2009, 11:05 AM
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Good morning, Daisy. I checked in to see how you are doing.

Your concern about God: that is why it is important we all say "the God of our understanding". The third Step says "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Because God is as different for every person as every person is different from each other.

So no, you do not have to hold the traditional view of God in order to particpate in a 12 step fellowship. LOTS of people in the fellowships do not believe in a traditional God. But they do come to believe that a power greater than themselves can change their lives, they do come to believe that a power greater than themselves is present in their lives and the lives of others, and they individualize that power for themselves and then turn to their faith in that power when things are out of control.

This surrender to a higher power is the essence of recovery, for the lives of the addict and the codependent have become unmanageable.

Blessings to you today, Daisy.
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Daisy09 View Post

You know what's the hardest? Continuing with the rest of life like it's ok. I need to take my 4 yr old to our Mommy & Me class this morning, and deal with all these people and pretend like I have a normal life like everyone else.

~Daisy
Oh, I remember that feeling! When my husband went to rehab it came as a complete and total shock to most of my friends because during most of his addiction we kept things pretty normal. The thing I've come to learn is that a lot of people live what we think are normal lives and really there can be a lot of skeletons in their closets. Realizing that no one's life is perfect was what kept me sane when people started to learn about what was going on.

You need to keep living life the way you have for your kids. We live in a smallish town and it was hard at first because people were talking, but I held my head high. If people asked (oh and they did) I just made sure I was strong and neutral. I would say things like "Yeah, he put himself on rehab and we are hoping for the best." My husband was gone and people knew, but I didn't let it stop me from living my life!

I wish you strength - I know this was written over the weekend, but I hope things got better!
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