Its starting to sink in....
 

I feel like I have finally begun to understand why I have just fallen apart emotionally. It is really starting to sink in that there is nothing I can do for my addict.

It is so very painful to know that I have been in such a state the last few months that it clouded my judgement. Everything I thought I understood I really had no clue at all.

Its hard to admit that you are wrong. Its hard to admit that you are powerless.

It dawned on me today that I really truly am dealing with a person who was sick in the head and yet I am expecting him to respond to me "normally".

Its hard to choke down. The lump that is stuck in my throat just wont go away. Its hard not to get through a day where that lump isnt there.

Just wanted to post this. No one else seems to understand like the people here......

(((Cass)))

I know how much it hurts when you get to this point. I got here, both with my own addiction and with the XABF, and I think it was harder to accept my powerlessness with him, than it was over the drugs.

As hard as it seems now, it is at this point that you can finally start moving forward again. It's when my heart, mind and gut finally all got the message, that I could truly work on me, and figure out what I needed in my life.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Yes, the grief and sadness is so deep and it lingers and lingers when we have loved the addict with all our heart and no matter what we do or try, we cannot bring him back.

Some have said that losing loved ones who have passed away under normal conditions was easier to cope with than the grief they felt in releasing the addict in their lives. I completely understand.

And many do not understand how long it can take to heal from the loss of an addict we loved. I sometimes wonder if our hurt is related to survival guilt, in which the person who survives a loss of a loved one constantly replays the loss and wants to go back and do everything over, in order to control a different outcome and "save" the one who was lost.

As well, I do believe there is post-traumatic syndrome often involved in the ending of a deep relationship with an addict, as we re-experience intense feelings of loss and anxiety no matter how we try to change our thinking. And it comes over us unexpectedly, as PTSD does. "Traumatic stress" is an experience of intense chaos and loss.....many here know that experience.

Just want you to know I am so sorry for your pain. Do the best you can and pray for help.

It is a hard realization to swallow I know Cass. I just found it so impossible to accept that a drug could overtake someone, take so much control of a person. It was like watching a thriller movie where the devil takes over a body and we sit there in terror watching.

It kind of shed some light when I really accepted that this maddness coming from my husband was him that had been overtaken by one powerful drug. The questions that haunted me...like why is talking to me this way, why doesn't he see how much he is hurting us.... why doesn't he just stop....because it was not him, it was the drug devil living through him, just like in the movie, terrifying! Nothing we can do to get it out, nothing.

Our hearts still hurt, but accepting that this is not something personal against us, never was or will be, kinda of makes you shed a bit of a different light on it.

Try not to put to much pressure on yourself,

Rose

Cassandra, I relate very well to what you are saying. I pretty much figured things out the same way. It is/was hard to admit you are powerless and I also had a lump in my throat... hourly, daily, etc.

The past two years of my life have been very different than what I originally thought they would be... my light bulb moment came when I realized that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it....it wasn't just the words... it's because I lived each and every "C".

*I had the best intentions... It began with wondering what his triggers were... so we could avoid them... that would help him... right? Nope

*I thought if I controlled the intake of his alcohol to what his Doctor said he could have... that would help him...right? Nope

*I thought If I did everything AA said to do that would help him... right? Nope

Ultimately I had to surrender to the fact that I had nothing to do with his drinking or drugging... it was his choice...period. That moment was the beginning to finding my sanity again...

My AH will swear to you that I was not in love with him...(I guess cuz I didn't cater to his addiction) he'll tell you that I just loved him (I guess cuz I did laundry and cooked)... It hurt like hell to hear that... I would have died for him. I figure that was his attempt to manipulate me... and once I figured it out well... needless to say... things changed.

I wised up when I started reading this message board with the stickies at the top... I was stunned to read such pertinent information regarding my exact situation and realized that I had bitten off quite a bit more than I had anticipated.

Hang in there... trust in your HP... you and I are exactly where we are supposed to be. Just know that you have great support here.

Take care.

Cassandra,
Thanks for sharing. I know the feeling!

I can appreciate how difficult that is. :ghug :ghug

Maybe you can' t get through 2day, be patient.