Dealing with the In-Laws!
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Dealing with the In-Laws!
I have never had a good relationship with my in-laws and my RAH’s addiction and rehab have made for a lot more tension. We started dating 14 years ago (at 17 and 18 years old) and the rude/disrespectful behavior started back then. Over the years we’ve had periods where things got better, but I’ve never gotten over some of their actions. My husband’s relationship with them has always been rocky as well. We sort of shared a common bond when it came to them. They are very all or nothing sort of people. We live about a mile from them, but time with them was really limited to holidays, special occasions, or when an out of town relative came for a visit. It worked great for us.
My husband came to me for help after he stopped the Subs and got back on Oxy for about 3 weeks. Our son was about 5 weeks old and I was angry. I told him I needed him to tell his parents because I just didn’t want to deal with it. They were very shocked to say the least. We told them we were looking into treatment centers etc. and they were against him going away. They said they could help him with love instead of rehab (in the early 70’s my FIL did something helping heroin addicts). I tried very hard to keep him focused on rehab, but he had them in his ear telling him he didn’t need to leave his newborn son, wife and job. Of course to him the addict that seemed like a better option. I voiced my issues and of course looked like the bitch. Basically, I said that I was staying in our house because of the circumstances (new mom, no job), but we were living as if we were separated.
I’ve never been so angry in my life! I was a brand new mother trying to figure all of that out and I had his family camped out at my house for a week helping him. It seemed to have worked, but I knew it was just a matter of time…
So, when he fell a few months later he fell hard and on his own free will got into rehab. However, when he fell I had washed my hands, but the in laws picked up a lot of the pieces for him while he was away. They tried to blame his relapse on me because I was at home with the baby all day and he had too much stress being the sole provider, or because I was too demanding, or because I wasn’t being supportive of what they were doing…you name it, they said it.
Things are getting better now. He is 5 months clean and really working his recovery. We’re working on our marriage and I’m hopeful that we can stay together. The problem is that now he is very grateful to his parents for helping him. They talk everyday sometimes twice a day. We see them a couple of times a week. His mom will show up at our house with clothes and shoes for him all the time (he already has plenty of very nice clothes). They want to come see the baby all the time. I can tell he is getting annoyed by them, but he isn’t really putting up boundaries because I suspect he feels indebted to them. I’m gong crazy because I’ve never gotten the warm and fuzzies from these people and I’m having a hard time being around them. I’ve brought it up to my husband and he has set some boundaries like inviting them to see the baby mostly when he is home alone with him. They are overly nice to me now, but I’m not buying it. I’m also worried about him and his recovery when they are involved. They cause a lot of stress when it comes to certain situations and just don’t want the other shoe to drop. I’ve voiced my concerns and he just thinks I’m overreacting to things that happened in the past. He thinks they have changed, but I'm not so sure. As long as he stays sober and we stay married I’m going to have to deal with them. I just have to remind myself of that…
My husband came to me for help after he stopped the Subs and got back on Oxy for about 3 weeks. Our son was about 5 weeks old and I was angry. I told him I needed him to tell his parents because I just didn’t want to deal with it. They were very shocked to say the least. We told them we were looking into treatment centers etc. and they were against him going away. They said they could help him with love instead of rehab (in the early 70’s my FIL did something helping heroin addicts). I tried very hard to keep him focused on rehab, but he had them in his ear telling him he didn’t need to leave his newborn son, wife and job. Of course to him the addict that seemed like a better option. I voiced my issues and of course looked like the bitch. Basically, I said that I was staying in our house because of the circumstances (new mom, no job), but we were living as if we were separated.
I’ve never been so angry in my life! I was a brand new mother trying to figure all of that out and I had his family camped out at my house for a week helping him. It seemed to have worked, but I knew it was just a matter of time…
So, when he fell a few months later he fell hard and on his own free will got into rehab. However, when he fell I had washed my hands, but the in laws picked up a lot of the pieces for him while he was away. They tried to blame his relapse on me because I was at home with the baby all day and he had too much stress being the sole provider, or because I was too demanding, or because I wasn’t being supportive of what they were doing…you name it, they said it.
Things are getting better now. He is 5 months clean and really working his recovery. We’re working on our marriage and I’m hopeful that we can stay together. The problem is that now he is very grateful to his parents for helping him. They talk everyday sometimes twice a day. We see them a couple of times a week. His mom will show up at our house with clothes and shoes for him all the time (he already has plenty of very nice clothes). They want to come see the baby all the time. I can tell he is getting annoyed by them, but he isn’t really putting up boundaries because I suspect he feels indebted to them. I’m gong crazy because I’ve never gotten the warm and fuzzies from these people and I’m having a hard time being around them. I’ve brought it up to my husband and he has set some boundaries like inviting them to see the baby mostly when he is home alone with him. They are overly nice to me now, but I’m not buying it. I’m also worried about him and his recovery when they are involved. They cause a lot of stress when it comes to certain situations and just don’t want the other shoe to drop. I’ve voiced my concerns and he just thinks I’m overreacting to things that happened in the past. He thinks they have changed, but I'm not so sure. As long as he stays sober and we stay married I’m going to have to deal with them. I just have to remind myself of that…
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Hi there Aah
Are you really my long-lost twin sister??? :ghug3 We just have an awful lot in common sometimes...
I don't know that I have anything helpful to say, but at least I can say that I share your pain. M & I met at 17 & 21 (ok, I'm a cradle robber) and I didn't meet his Mom for about 1-1/2 years (his Dad is actually pretty normal, which explains their divorce...) At first I thought it was because of me, but he kept telling me it was just because his Mom "took some getting used to", which turned out to be a big understatement. In an extremely small nutshell, she is a very controlling person, and likes to try and micro-manage her sons' lives. I have been pressured by her for the past 6 years to go back to work to "lighten M's load"
M has opted (so far) not to tell his parents about his addiction at all, because he knows that his Mom would: 1. definitely try to dissuade him from any sort of professional help; 2. come up with bull$hit reasons why he became addicted; and 3: tell him how he had so much promise as a child and he was always so smart and loving and now look what he's become...We DO owe a lot to her (she has help us out financially many many times) so it's hard sometimes to bite our tongues.
OK, down to what little helpful info I might be able to give...
* There are literally thousands of Moms who stay at home and DON'T have their husbands become opiate addicts, so that line of reasoning is bull...
* I try to keep in mind that it is HIS mother, not mine, so if she's annoying me I will sometimes just excuse myself in some way from whatever's going on (if she's visiting, I'll claim a migarine and go take a nap
)
* Focus on the kids when she is here - we all go to the park, and I let her chase them around while I sit on a bench.
I don't know if any of that is helpful or not, but hopefully it at least makes you feel a little better to know that there are other insane in-laws out there!
Hope you have a really nice weekend, Aah, with your baby and your M, but WITHOUT your in-laws
Peace, Daisy
Are you really my long-lost twin sister??? :ghug3 We just have an awful lot in common sometimes...
I don't know that I have anything helpful to say, but at least I can say that I share your pain. M & I met at 17 & 21 (ok, I'm a cradle robber) and I didn't meet his Mom for about 1-1/2 years (his Dad is actually pretty normal, which explains their divorce...) At first I thought it was because of me, but he kept telling me it was just because his Mom "took some getting used to", which turned out to be a big understatement. In an extremely small nutshell, she is a very controlling person, and likes to try and micro-manage her sons' lives. I have been pressured by her for the past 6 years to go back to work to "lighten M's load"
M has opted (so far) not to tell his parents about his addiction at all, because he knows that his Mom would: 1. definitely try to dissuade him from any sort of professional help; 2. come up with bull$hit reasons why he became addicted; and 3: tell him how he had so much promise as a child and he was always so smart and loving and now look what he's become...We DO owe a lot to her (she has help us out financially many many times) so it's hard sometimes to bite our tongues.
OK, down to what little helpful info I might be able to give...
* There are literally thousands of Moms who stay at home and DON'T have their husbands become opiate addicts, so that line of reasoning is bull...
* I try to keep in mind that it is HIS mother, not mine, so if she's annoying me I will sometimes just excuse myself in some way from whatever's going on (if she's visiting, I'll claim a migarine and go take a nap
)* Focus on the kids when she is here - we all go to the park, and I let her chase them around while I sit on a bench.
I don't know if any of that is helpful or not, but hopefully it at least makes you feel a little better to know that there are other insane in-laws out there!
Hope you have a really nice weekend, Aah, with your baby and your M, but WITHOUT your in-laws
Peace, Daisy
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