k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

I posted this in the F&FoAlcoholics forum too, kind of on accident, so i'm posting it here as well.
it's been a while since i've been on here. but here's my update:

so, now he has basically gone from not wanting to have sex to not wanting to be intimate at all.
when i come home from work, i get a little peck on the cheek or mouth and a "hey" and i only even get that if i approach him and pucker up my lips, he never iniates it.
every now and then, first thing in the morning he'll rub my back or give me a hug as i'm walking by. but he doesn't want to snuggle with me at night, he doesn't want to talk about anything if it doesn't revolve around him.
if i bring up a problem that i'm having (outside of our relationship), because it's bothering me and i just want to talk about it, he always turns it around on me and gives me that "it's not really my problem, i need to focus on me, why are you worrying so much about something that you can't control, just drop it, youre not going to make me feel bad about this, and you need to stop feeling bad about it too."
in counseling he always tells me that i keep my feelings bottled up and i need to talk to him about how i'm feeling. but then, when i bring up something (such as, "i'm concerned about my brother because he's really been struggling at work and i think he's having a hard time supporting his family financially right now") he starts an argument and always makes me feel really bad about myself.
he never wants to have sex, he never wants to kiss me or hug me, he never wants to talk about anything unless it's something that happened at his meeting tonight and i'm supposed to drop everything and give my full attention to him.

And GOD FORBID i mention ANYTHING about his job search. I know it's tough to find employment right now, but yesterday a company that he had applied for a job at had a job fair and i mentioned it was coming up a few days ago. he said "they're not looking for [his position], they're looking for the part time people." (this company employees mentors to work with mentally challenged adults and children, but he had applied for a different job) i said "well, maybe it would still be nice if you went, and you could see the human resources guy and just tell him that you're here because you wanted to find out more about the company"
yesterday before i left for work i said "that job fair is today" and he gave me a look that could freeze boiling water.

so basically, i just have no desire to speak to him. because it's not even so much about sex anymore. it's about his complete lack of interest in anything that interests me and his inconsiderate behavior in every aspect of our relationship.

Freedom1990

Am I understanding correctly that you are the sole financial provider in this relationship?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

yes. currently. he worked for 2 years while i stayed at home with our son. but when he finished treatment (oct-nov) we decided to move closer to my family and he left his job, i found work very soon, but he hasn't found anything. he's looking, but not very hard.

Freedom1990

This may be as good as it gets. When you said you told him about the job fair, and his reply was it's part-time and not 'his' position, I asked myself where in the hell is his pride? Why isn't he helping financially? He should be pitching in too, even if it's flipping burgers.

When I got out of rehab, I took a full-time job as a nurses' aide at minimum wage because I had an 8 year old daughter to take care of.

He's got no inclination to do anything different because what you are doing is working for him. You're the sole provider.

Is this what you are willing to settle for? If not, you need to start making some changes.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

well, he's kind of right there. i don't want it to sound like we're "milking" the government or anything, but we currently have medicaid for our insurance because we can't afford anything else. my job doesn't offer insurance and the cost for private insurance plus co-pays for our family costs more than i make each month. without insurance his doctors visits and medications (and our sons) would be several thousand dollars a month, so if he takes a job making minimum wage and doesn't have benefits, ALL of his income, plus some of mine would go to paying for our insurance and then we'd still have to pay for childcare. So it is important that he gets a job where he has benefits. but i wish he'd try a little harder.

Freedom1990

Regardless, he's not going to try any harder because the current situation is working for him. He's taken care of.

laurie6781

This is why I continue to recommend Sober Living Houses. There he would be required to 'get a job' 'any job' to pay his room and board. He would be living with others in recovery of various stages, He would be learning how to interact and communicate with others SOBER and he would re-learn how to be a productive member of society.

Most states, if the husband and wife are living apart, and it is because the husband is living in an environment to get well, both physically and mentally (yes, addiction is part of a mental illness, I believe) will give the wife and child(ren) the insurance and other benefits they need to stay healthy and fit.

Whether he can get into one now after 7 months? Maybe, I'm not sure.

I know in that first year of recovery, I was not a very nice person, I was crabby, I was cantankerous, a lot of times didn't know if I was coming or going. Recovery takes time, there is a lot folr a sick addict/alkie to work through, about ourselves, yet alone being able to show compassion to others. NO I am not excusing his actions, I am explaining that all of sudden, and 7 months is a NANO SECOND in the rest of his life, here he is, in a world (that he hid from and numbed himself from for years) and told to live life UGH. Sorry, but it takes time. Longer for some than others.

I will add one more thing. My first 3 years in recovery from my addictions, I had a terrible time with PATIENCE and TOLERANCE. It was only at 3 years sober, when I started also attending Al-Anon that I started to understand the TRUE meaning and practice of Patience and Tolerance. That was many years ago now, but I will be forever grateful to BOTH PROGRAMS.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

MyJoey

Gezzz I am just wondering why you stay? It don't sound like it's working for you.

rahsue

JUST MY OPINION.....
7 months is great but lets face it, it's still a long road. Perhaps he's doing all he can right now in order to stay sober. It doesn't sound like he's using you, maybe give it some more time. sorry if I've overstepped, as I said it's just my opinion

bluejay6

The others have given you realy good feedback. I just want to remark about the lack of sexual interest and intimacy.....

Well, wanting sex with someone one loves requires a certain amount of joy. My guess is that he is pretty miserable, struggling with some depression, and the last thing he may be capable of is pleasing you in bed or connecting in a deep emotional way.

So I hope you won't take his behavior around physical expression of love as a sign that he no longer loves you or a sign that you are no longer desirable to him.

Addiction is a disease that really ravages a human being....we really do have to understand that the rebuilding of both body and spirit is going to take a long time. And as a previous poster mentioned, seven months is a nanosecond, in the bigger picture.

I hope you can just take a longer view for now, try to keep communication open, but lower your expectations that he will be a full partner to you in this first year of recovery.

It must be so lonely and so discouraging for you, sweetie. If you find Al-Anon people to help you through this, it will be much easier.

Wishing you a good day today.

Chino

Unless I read that wrong, it sounds like he's willing to communicate with you about your personal relationship with him, but not others?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

thanks for your feedback. you are all right. he keeps saying that his lack of interest in physical intimacy is due to his recovery. his body just doesn't know how to have sex without being on drugs because he's never really done it. but sometimes i do take it as a lack of attraction to me or love. as i said, going without sex wouldn't be a huge deal if i didn't have to relinquish all of the other acts of intimacy too; kissing, etc. it may be that it's just early in his recovery and i need to have patience, but it's hard when i feel like i'm less desirable or he loves me less.
anvil- even though you made me laugh with the defective appliance analogy, that's basically it. i'm pretty happy with him but it's not exactly what i wanted and sometimes i wish i could trade him in on a newer model.
but i truly don't believe he's using me. he is contributing to our household. he does pretty much all of the housework and cooking, and childcare (except at night when he goes to meetings), and yardwork and gardening. the same sort of things i did when i was staying at home.
he's in a good mood most of the time and he's responsive to doing things he didn't use to want to do (exercising, going to the park, family functions, church, being awake when everyone else is...) but the majority of our conversations post-bedtime revolve around his NA friends or how long he worked out today or something that matters to him. if i try to discuss anything it is like pulling teeth to get his attention and the most he does to show his affection toward me is the occasional "love ya too"
it's not that i don't believe that he does love me, i do.

it's mostly the attitude he gets when something doesn't go his way. if i mention a job that hasn't heard back from, or that it would be nice to be intimate, or that i'm bothered by something outside of our relationship, or that i don't really like the way he handled a situation with our son the other day.... the temperature in the room seems to drop 20 degrees.

aah1977

My husband is 5 months clean and I have some of the same issues. My husband is working (he has always been a workaholic), but if he isn't working or going to meetings he is plopped on the couch which has never been like him (before drugs or during). I have a really hard time sympathizing because I feel like life didn't stop because he went to rehab. While he was gone I was working full-time and taking care of our infant son. Now he is home and none of that has changed.

I don't have words of wisdom just wanted to let you know you aren't alone!

Chino

kathyrn, I asked that question for one reason: my RAD has to focus on her own issues or she will be dragged down. So will I for that matter. I'm still concerned about my loved ones and the things that affect them, though. I've just learned to say my prayers and trust they'll work through whatever.

I filled my RAD in on some family stuff a few minutes ago, but it was a FYI kind of thing. We both know if we start discussing other people's problems, we're in danger of obsessing. My RAD is honestly better at this than I am. She inches towards the door if I do that.

As far as your son goes, parenting differences can become huge problems. Maybe that's something to bring up at your next counseling session?

Callie

Kathryn -

I know for me I'd always had the 'illusion' that if Ah could just get off of drugs we'd be fine. We could move on and live happily ever after. I quickly found out that wasn't the reality. Do you think maybe you expected the same thing?

As far as the intimacy, I'm not sure if he just doesn't want to or if he can't. Either way he could talk with his Dr. about that. I know once AH was off drugs for a while his desire was back. While he was on drugs ... zip... for the most part.

Also, my AH is not a talker, never has been, probably never will be. He's never been in touch with his feelings for the most part - some people are just more like that. The recovery road isn't easy, it's almost as hard as addiction for me. I know where you're at and it's hard.

JMFburns

I haven't gone through your previous posts, but the one thing that comes to my mind is, are you attending AlAnon or NarAnon??? If not, I would strongly suggest it, there you could get alot of the "focus on you" issues met. It sounds like he has meetings to get his needs met, you both have counseling for the relationship, but what about a place for you to get some of your needs met? Check it out . . .

Abundance

Thank you everyone for the ESH..... I am grateful to not feel alone in this. I just posted a similar thread without reading this one.

My concern now..... is that as "time" helps things get better... and his desires come back (w/out relating them to drugging) .... that I have completely made things worse by being inpatient and demanding and feeling sorry for myself due to the lack of attention.