Abundance

I have a girlfriend whose husband has brain trauma from being over in Iraq. She is going through so much. The specialists call her and offer her advice on what she can do for him .... not so much for her. Of course, they throw that in... for her to be looking after herself. BUT ..... they also talk with her like he is her child. And she is his biggest advocate - taboot!

Because of my codie work - I want to tell her to let him take care of this..... for him to talk with his doctors about the PTSD... and for HIM to schedule these appointments. But she knows she has to do it- or it won't get done.

Thing is....... she doesn't complain about her being taken for granted or taking it personally - she just does it..... and if she complains it's just about the situation with what is going on with him and the cooperation with the doctors. AGAIN - she doesn't take anything personal towards her husband. At times, she does get a bit resentful, but she loves him and wants to see him get better.

NOW.....with active addiction - we just can't do the same thing. How fine is the line that we can; however, do the same thing in recovery?

The way we "help" our A and RA loved ones is by detaching.... "letting go" .... leaving it to them....... and / or leaving the marriage (relationship)...... even though the vows are in "sickness and in health".

I WILL say (and I told her this) ....... that there are 3 "A's" that are valid....... Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction. Now, if any of those things come up ....... then it's a different situation.

I just got off the phone with her.... and we spent the majority of it analyzing her husband..... and I found it interesting and could tell she needed to talk. She said she wanted to see a therapist, but the therapist isn't going to let her talk about him and what he is doing wrong or right. It will be focused on her....Ya know? And then her whole world gets totally shaken (especially because her mom died a few years ago of alcoholism)

I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy that I can't talk with my guy's doctors, make sure he is doing x,y, and z right...... instead I have to sit back and let him figure it out for himself.

And you know what...... I've answered my own question........ HIS deal isn't an injury or of the like..... his was drug addiction...... and now that he is not using..... and I'm in recovery for codie and doing intense therapy on myself...... my friend and I are in totally two different categories.

Okay..... thanks for letting me vent.

Peace ~ xo

In a Tailspin

My XH had a traumatic injury just over a year into our marriage. I can tell you it was WAY different than dealing with my XABF. The key, to me, is that my XH really was NOT able to do for himself the things I was doing. His balance was shot, he couldn't even walk by himself at first - he'd just fall over. Had to crawl from place to place and I had to help him stand upright in the shower. Had to teach him how to use a phone. Those sorts of things.

However, my codie-ness became a problem in my relationship with the XABF. Mostly because I was doing things that he could and should have been doing on his own (down to paying his bills). I was picking up the pieces and therefore keeping him from hitting his bottom. It was a situation where I allowed him to become lazy in the basics of life - because he knew I would take care of it.

I don't know if this helps or not.......but I think that people who step up and care for a loved one who genuinely can't care themselves are near saints. Those of us who step up to care for people who are addicts/alcoholics.............are codies.

winnie12

I would say with brain trauma he does need an advocate - especially if they dont know the true depths of it yet. If he has any mental incapacities then it is her that has the legal right to make decisions on his behalf. I do believe that there are support groups for wifes and family of military - she needs to check into that - there are many in the same shoes as she is in.

This is very different from addiction - it is one area that i've had trouble with looking at addiction as the same type of illness as other diseases and injuries. With addiction only the addict can make the change but with other illnesses family members can provide support and are often very critical in recovery and support. I know when my son was diagnosed with Type I diabetes I practically became his at home nurse because of his age. He was not old enough to handle it all and had to have help. As he got older and more knowledgeable then i was able to step back but there is a time when we do have to help others with medical needs.

Chino

My RAD is also recovering from brain trauma and it's a very fine line I walk. Therapy is a necessity for me! I had to learn about her brain traumas and her addiction so I could figure out where I'm helping or hindering.

There's no reason why she can't make a full recovery (brain) but it will take time and a lot of patience from all of us in our family. Her brain trauma and addiction always threaten to derail each other. Some things that seem so easy for others make her brain want to explode. I am so grateful for suboxone and our ability to pay for her medical needs.

The timing of this topic was perfect. I asked myself two days ago "when will I get to stop being her part-time personal secretary/coach?" The answer is, whenever the EEG says so. As long as she keeps working her recoveries, I'll keep giving her any needed assistance.