dealing with guilt

Old 05-13-2009, 11:29 AM
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dealing with guilt

This is my first post so bear with me. Last week I finally told my wife that I was done dealing with her addiction. I asked her to give me some space and she left the house for 4 days. Now she is back and we are trying to get her to a halfway house of sorts so she can keep her job, but participate in a more intense recovery program than just a councilor. So at the moment she is back at our house, and I very much need her to move out so I can begin to move on, but I am full of so much guilt. I am unable to clearly navigate this guilty feeling. I have a councilor that I see weekly and have gone to a few alanon meetings and will continue to do so, but I just can't get over this feeling of leaving someone I love to the wolves while I go and find the happiness that used to exist in my life. What the hell has happened to my brain? Can anyone provide any advice? Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:35 AM
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Your brain got hijacked along with hers. Same thing happened with the rest of us here. Keep up the meetings with your counselor and Alanon. It's going to take time and that timetable is individual. It's wonderful that you are actively making the effort towards a better life. Don't let go of that
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:36 AM
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Is your wife attending aa or na? Feeling guilty is natural for a co-dependent but that doesn't mean that it's the right thing or that you should change your boundaries.

What is the wisest thing you can do in this situation? That's the right choice.

It sounds like you are on the right path. I hope you don't change course. Out of guilt. Remember, if nothing changes. Nothing changes.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:39 AM
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Unearned guilt sucks, for lack of a better word. Perhaps you have some abandonment issues, you feel like you're abandoning her, 'leaving someone I love to the wolves'. You have to tell yourself, over and over again, that you have no control over her actions.

Work through the grief steps as much as you can, and do try to look at that abandonment thing.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:40 AM
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You have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't cause this. Them wolves you are sending your wife to, are the only real hope she has, so you need to look at this a little differently. What you are doing is trying to save her, not hurt her so stop feeling guilty. Keep going to the meetings and asking for help, it is time to put the focus back on you. Remember addicts feed off guilt so don't let her how your feeling. Julie
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Old 05-13-2009, 12:23 PM
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aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
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Wow, thank you for posting this. I was going to post the exact same thing today. I am preparing to leave my abf of 9 years. He has shut people out of his life and I feel like I am now everything to him. Girlfriend, best friend, business partner. When I leave it will turn his world upside down as I am so entwined in everything. I know that it is not healthy, but he relies on me to keep him stable. I KNOW this is not my responsibility. But when I leave, I am prepared to watch him crash. I feel soooo much guilt. His actions have gotten him here, but it's still very painful to "throw someone you love to the wolves"! I just know that I don't have a choice. So I'm moving forward. I know it's not going to get easier. It hurts.
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Old 05-13-2009, 01:10 PM
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thanks for all the replies.
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