Any advice?
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 35
Any advice?
I would like to thank everyone who replied to my previous threads. I am sorry I can't respond individually right now. Just to reply to a couple of points:
I know my husband is an addict.
I do believe he hasn't taken anything since last Tuesday, because I did remove his hidden stash, but more practically, because he is required to do twice weekly urine tests. In addition, his behaviour has been so utterly different from the months preceding it (and not entirely in a positive way either).
One of the more difficult things I am finding at the moment is that he is becoming angry at MY anger. I admit I have berated him (how could you / what were you thinking / what about your job/children/whatever), which I know is not particularly useful, but hard to avoid.
Just now, he blew up at me. He told me I need to be civil to his mother when she comes to help. I said I wasn't prepared to be told how to behave, and he became very angry. He feels I need to give him some credit, and give him a break. I probably HAVE been quite demanding, largely because I am fuming about all the slack I've been picking up in his "absence".
He accused me of being "an icebox", and felt that I hated him. I said I do hate what he's done. He repeatedly says things along the lines of "there's nothing I can say" (because he's said sorry, repeatedly, and it doesn't really mean anything to me. All I can say is I'm glad he's sorry, and I am too.)
I reminded him that while he has known about this for years, I have only known about it for a week, and I'm doing my best to cope.
He said that he hopes this (the current cold war) isn't going to be how our relationship is indefinitely. I bloody well hope not too, but I feel I am coping the best I can right now. He wants to "talk" tonight, because according to him, we haven't done a lot of that lately.
One of my biggest problems is that I feel he has grossly underestimated the significance of what's happened, both to himself, and to me and my faith in our marriage. Also, now that he isn't perpetually anaesthetised, he's finding he doesn't like dealing with feelings (his own or other people's) or consequences.
He just doesn't "get" that everything has changed. I just don't know what to do. Apologies for the self-pity.
I know my husband is an addict.
I do believe he hasn't taken anything since last Tuesday, because I did remove his hidden stash, but more practically, because he is required to do twice weekly urine tests. In addition, his behaviour has been so utterly different from the months preceding it (and not entirely in a positive way either).
One of the more difficult things I am finding at the moment is that he is becoming angry at MY anger. I admit I have berated him (how could you / what were you thinking / what about your job/children/whatever), which I know is not particularly useful, but hard to avoid.
Just now, he blew up at me. He told me I need to be civil to his mother when she comes to help. I said I wasn't prepared to be told how to behave, and he became very angry. He feels I need to give him some credit, and give him a break. I probably HAVE been quite demanding, largely because I am fuming about all the slack I've been picking up in his "absence".
He accused me of being "an icebox", and felt that I hated him. I said I do hate what he's done. He repeatedly says things along the lines of "there's nothing I can say" (because he's said sorry, repeatedly, and it doesn't really mean anything to me. All I can say is I'm glad he's sorry, and I am too.)
I reminded him that while he has known about this for years, I have only known about it for a week, and I'm doing my best to cope.
He said that he hopes this (the current cold war) isn't going to be how our relationship is indefinitely. I bloody well hope not too, but I feel I am coping the best I can right now. He wants to "talk" tonight, because according to him, we haven't done a lot of that lately.
One of my biggest problems is that I feel he has grossly underestimated the significance of what's happened, both to himself, and to me and my faith in our marriage. Also, now that he isn't perpetually anaesthetised, he's finding he doesn't like dealing with feelings (his own or other people's) or consequences.
He just doesn't "get" that everything has changed. I just don't know what to do. Apologies for the self-pity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
No apologies necessary ~ you were 'hit' with quite a lot very, very quickly. If it's one thing I've learned, it's be true to yourself. You seem to be doing that - what you're feeling is real and he must accept that as part of the damage done to your relationship. It is possible to get passed the damage but it will take time, honesty, and willingness to really work on it. In the meantime, keep your priorities clear - what is important to you.
I'd like to write more but I've got to sleep. Stick around and keep posting!
I'd like to write more but I've got to sleep. Stick around and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Piglet))
I agree..no apologies necessary.
As a recovering addict, we have a tendency to want instant gratification. Well, too bad...when we begin our recovery efforts, he's got to learn, just as I did, that it takes a LONG time, and a lot of ACTION to gain the trust back of those who love us and to repair relationships, if it can even be done.
You've had a week, where your entire life feels like it's been turned upside down, and he doesn't understand why you're upset? I would simply tell him this, and if he asks how long this is going to go on, tell him you don't know, because you don't.
I went through this with my family. I'm living at home, thanks to putting myself into financial ruin. Having to account for where I am, or having someone panic if I didn't answer the phone in those first few weeks/months was a pain but I understood it..this was a consequence of my using and I brought it on myself. I learned to call if I was going to be late, let someone know where I was going to be...little things that built up the trust.
I could have pitched a fit, thrown a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old and gotten no where, or accepted what I put my family through with my addiction and taken the steps to build up the trust again (which I did). Your husband can do the same.
As far as his feelings, he is also going through a period where his feelings are raw...as you said, he is no longer anesthestized, and it is a pretty uncomfortable feeling for him. However, this is a part of our recovery and something we need to go through.
No matter what, sweetie, you have a right to feel your feelings and work through them however you can. Meetings and here, are a great help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree..no apologies necessary.
As a recovering addict, we have a tendency to want instant gratification. Well, too bad...when we begin our recovery efforts, he's got to learn, just as I did, that it takes a LONG time, and a lot of ACTION to gain the trust back of those who love us and to repair relationships, if it can even be done.
You've had a week, where your entire life feels like it's been turned upside down, and he doesn't understand why you're upset? I would simply tell him this, and if he asks how long this is going to go on, tell him you don't know, because you don't.
I went through this with my family. I'm living at home, thanks to putting myself into financial ruin. Having to account for where I am, or having someone panic if I didn't answer the phone in those first few weeks/months was a pain but I understood it..this was a consequence of my using and I brought it on myself. I learned to call if I was going to be late, let someone know where I was going to be...little things that built up the trust.
I could have pitched a fit, thrown a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old and gotten no where, or accepted what I put my family through with my addiction and taken the steps to build up the trust again (which I did). Your husband can do the same.
As far as his feelings, he is also going through a period where his feelings are raw...as you said, he is no longer anesthestized, and it is a pretty uncomfortable feeling for him. However, this is a part of our recovery and something we need to go through.
No matter what, sweetie, you have a right to feel your feelings and work through them however you can. Meetings and here, are a great help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Piglet123 
I
One of the more difficult things I am finding at the moment is that he is becoming angry at MY anger. I admit I have berated him (how could you / what were you thinking / what about your job/children/whatever), which I know is not particularly useful, but hard to avoid.
He accused me of being "an icebox", and felt that I hated him. I said I do hate what he's done. He repeatedly says things along the lines of "there's nothing I can say" (because he's said sorry, repeatedly, and it doesn't really mean anything to me. All I can say is I'm glad he's sorry, and I am too.)
He said that he hopes this (the current cold war) isn't going to be how our relationship is indefinitely. do. Apologies for the self-pity.
One of the more difficult things I am finding at the moment is that he is becoming angry at MY anger. I admit I have berated him (how could you / what were you thinking / what about your job/children/whatever), which I know is not particularly useful, but hard to avoid.
He accused me of being "an icebox", and felt that I hated him. I said I do hate what he's done. He repeatedly says things along the lines of "there's nothing I can say" (because he's said sorry, repeatedly, and it doesn't really mean anything to me. All I can say is I'm glad he's sorry, and I am too.)
He said that he hopes this (the current cold war) isn't going to be how our relationship is indefinitely. do. Apologies for the self-pity.
Urgh, the audacity of some...... it just amazes me. An icebox? Hmm, well he threw a boat load of crap at ya, and now you are supposed to have indifference? Compassion? warmth? We are human, it's ok to feel the way you are feeling, and it's ultimately HIS responsiblity and obligation to the relationship to mend that fence.......
There are always two people in a relationship.... but when one grossly screws up the dynamics, hey, in my opinion, they should take the responsiblity to at least aknowledge the pain they caused, rather than victimize themselves further, and accuse you of being a dang icebox!!!
In addition, perhaps if he took some of that emotional burden off of you, and showed you sincereity, and remorse, perhaps you wouldn't be so apt to throw those things up in his face?? Look at it all, talk calmly with him, and always try to start your conversations with I FEEL, rather than YOU......
Take your time, take deep breaths, and pray pray pray,
Love,
Cess:ghug2
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