So sad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 35
So sad.
Hi all. I'm new here, so please be gentle! (I'm pretty sure you will be- I've never been on a forum before where people could thank other people for their posts!)
I'm not sure where to begin with my story. I'll preface it by saying that I'm the mother of 3 small children, and my husband has a chronic, sometimes painful medical condition (yes, he really does- I'm not his biggest fan at the moment and even I will acknowledge that).
Last Tuesday, my husband told me that he has "a problem" with prescription painkillers. Not a little problem either. Oxycodone and Oxycontin (which he chews), also acetaminophen/codeine preparations. He has had easy access to painkillers through his work. He has also taken benzodiazepines, sedating antihistamines and too much alcohol. Often at the same time.
From what he has told me (and I know addicts underestimate the truth), he has been taking painkillers on and off for the past 8 years. His use increased after the birth of our first two children, and has skyrocketed since the birth of our third. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression last year, and he has some undertreated anxiety issues (on SSRIs, but he's never done the cognitive work he's needed to to actually address the underlying problems).
His father is an (unacknowledged) alcoholic. His mother is a classic enabler (see- I'm already up to speed with the jargon!), in fact his whole family labours under the belief that his drinking is a rather humourous personal quirk.
My husband has quit cold turkey. I don't think he expected any withdrawal symptoms, but he has had some. He has entered an outpatient treatment program and attended his first group meeting last night.
He still doesn't believe he is an addict. He thinks it is "a problem", as I've said, although he is reading some addiction literature. He met some other addicts at a group last night, but I think he came away thinking he wasn't really "one of them". The only difference as far as I can tell is the duration of the addiction, and how they were "caught".
Part of me is relieved, because this explains so many bizarre occurrences, and the growing feeling I've had of being a single parent in a sham marriage. But the greater part of me is devastated, ashamed and betrayed. The things he has done to acquire his drugs sicken me (but would probably come as no surprise to any of you).
I am so angry. He has looked me in the eye and lied to me when I have asked him what he's taken (on occasions, he would seem very out of it), and worse- he has driven the car with all our children in it, while he was high. He thought he wasn't affected, or at least not badly enough to cause a problem.
He has had to leave work before (telling them he's had a migraine, when in fact what he's had is a couple of tablets and a bottle of red wine the night before.)
He is on sick leave at the moment, under the instructions of his medical carers. He has come so close to losing his career, and gaining a criminal record.
To his credit, he voluntarily told someone about his drug use, when he had an appointment about another health matter. He told me afterwards he thought he'd get a slap on the wrist, but they took it extremely seriously. Thankfully.
Our children are suffering, because they know something's wrong.
I have told him if he takes another painkiller he doesn't need, then he will be leaving. He can't have his family AND an active drug habit. I worry that that is too harsh an ultimatum, but I will not have him around them unless he's completely drug free.
There is so much more to say, and I'm still reeling. I feel like our whole marriage has been a lie, and I have no idea whether I will want to stay married to him once the dust settles.
Thanks for listening.
I'm not sure where to begin with my story. I'll preface it by saying that I'm the mother of 3 small children, and my husband has a chronic, sometimes painful medical condition (yes, he really does- I'm not his biggest fan at the moment and even I will acknowledge that).
Last Tuesday, my husband told me that he has "a problem" with prescription painkillers. Not a little problem either. Oxycodone and Oxycontin (which he chews), also acetaminophen/codeine preparations. He has had easy access to painkillers through his work. He has also taken benzodiazepines, sedating antihistamines and too much alcohol. Often at the same time.
From what he has told me (and I know addicts underestimate the truth), he has been taking painkillers on and off for the past 8 years. His use increased after the birth of our first two children, and has skyrocketed since the birth of our third. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression last year, and he has some undertreated anxiety issues (on SSRIs, but he's never done the cognitive work he's needed to to actually address the underlying problems).
His father is an (unacknowledged) alcoholic. His mother is a classic enabler (see- I'm already up to speed with the jargon!), in fact his whole family labours under the belief that his drinking is a rather humourous personal quirk.
My husband has quit cold turkey. I don't think he expected any withdrawal symptoms, but he has had some. He has entered an outpatient treatment program and attended his first group meeting last night.
He still doesn't believe he is an addict. He thinks it is "a problem", as I've said, although he is reading some addiction literature. He met some other addicts at a group last night, but I think he came away thinking he wasn't really "one of them". The only difference as far as I can tell is the duration of the addiction, and how they were "caught".
Part of me is relieved, because this explains so many bizarre occurrences, and the growing feeling I've had of being a single parent in a sham marriage. But the greater part of me is devastated, ashamed and betrayed. The things he has done to acquire his drugs sicken me (but would probably come as no surprise to any of you).
I am so angry. He has looked me in the eye and lied to me when I have asked him what he's taken (on occasions, he would seem very out of it), and worse- he has driven the car with all our children in it, while he was high. He thought he wasn't affected, or at least not badly enough to cause a problem.
He has had to leave work before (telling them he's had a migraine, when in fact what he's had is a couple of tablets and a bottle of red wine the night before.)
He is on sick leave at the moment, under the instructions of his medical carers. He has come so close to losing his career, and gaining a criminal record.
To his credit, he voluntarily told someone about his drug use, when he had an appointment about another health matter. He told me afterwards he thought he'd get a slap on the wrist, but they took it extremely seriously. Thankfully.
Our children are suffering, because they know something's wrong.
I have told him if he takes another painkiller he doesn't need, then he will be leaving. He can't have his family AND an active drug habit. I worry that that is too harsh an ultimatum, but I will not have him around them unless he's completely drug free.
There is so much more to say, and I'm still reeling. I feel like our whole marriage has been a lie, and I have no idea whether I will want to stay married to him once the dust settles.
Thanks for listening.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Piglet, sorry for your circumstance but glad you found us because you are among friends who understand here.
It's good he is doing something about this addiction with his day treatment. I am surprised he has no severe withdrawal symptoms as oxy is a nasty one to get off. But perhaps he's already been through that and is heading for a better path in his recovery.
The thing is, you cannot control whether he uses or remains clean. You can be supportive and offer boundaries of what you are willing to live with and what you are not, but unless you are prepared to carry through with these, they become idle threats. And trust me, you wouldn't be the first person here who just could not carry through on their boundaries.
My son is an addict and what helped me regain my balance and find a life worth living again was to go to meetings. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships where many of us have found live support and sponsors who could guide us through working the 12 steps of recovery that literally saved my life.
You don't have to decide anything today, but maybe do yourself a favour and try some meetings and surround yourself with support, just as you have done here.
Meanwhile, make yourself comfortable, take a read around and know that we understand and care.
Hugs
It's good he is doing something about this addiction with his day treatment. I am surprised he has no severe withdrawal symptoms as oxy is a nasty one to get off. But perhaps he's already been through that and is heading for a better path in his recovery.
The thing is, you cannot control whether he uses or remains clean. You can be supportive and offer boundaries of what you are willing to live with and what you are not, but unless you are prepared to carry through with these, they become idle threats. And trust me, you wouldn't be the first person here who just could not carry through on their boundaries.
My son is an addict and what helped me regain my balance and find a life worth living again was to go to meetings. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships where many of us have found live support and sponsors who could guide us through working the 12 steps of recovery that literally saved my life.
You don't have to decide anything today, but maybe do yourself a favour and try some meetings and surround yourself with support, just as you have done here.
Meanwhile, make yourself comfortable, take a read around and know that we understand and care.
Hugs
Getting out of my own way!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
Maybe think about some support for yourself such as Alanon or therapy. It might help to talk to others who can understand where you are coming from! (((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
You are on your way to better things, though right now I know the pain is terrible. But so often we minimize what is happening and we think we can control and put the addict and our marriage and family back on track if we just keeping doing what it takes to hold the lid on the pressure cooker to keep it from exploding.
So there are good signs: He is at the doorway of accepting that he is an addict. He is peeking into that room and telling himself he isn't one of them, but at least he is standing in the doorway.
And you: you sound GOOD. Really. The addiction is not liking at all what you are doing: drawing your bottom line, being determined to protect your children, having no illusions that this is his problem to fix and not yours.
Excellent start, piglet. Enabling just makes the addiction more comfortable and it settles in to stay, right there in your house and right there with your children. And it is DARK. And no child should ever have to live with an active drug addict. No child's mind should ever have to deal with the double messages, the disappointments, the worries, and the betrayals. No child should ever have to wake up and wonder who daddy is going to be today.
So you straighten those shoulders of yours and you keep that determination in your voice and you learn how to FIGHT addiction the right way: Say NO to the addict and DO NOT HELP THE ADDICT.
Glad you are here for support.
So there are good signs: He is at the doorway of accepting that he is an addict. He is peeking into that room and telling himself he isn't one of them, but at least he is standing in the doorway.
And you: you sound GOOD. Really. The addiction is not liking at all what you are doing: drawing your bottom line, being determined to protect your children, having no illusions that this is his problem to fix and not yours.
Excellent start, piglet. Enabling just makes the addiction more comfortable and it settles in to stay, right there in your house and right there with your children. And it is DARK. And no child should ever have to live with an active drug addict. No child's mind should ever have to deal with the double messages, the disappointments, the worries, and the betrayals. No child should ever have to wake up and wonder who daddy is going to be today.
So you straighten those shoulders of yours and you keep that determination in your voice and you learn how to FIGHT addiction the right way: Say NO to the addict and DO NOT HELP THE ADDICT.
Glad you are here for support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Piglet123, Welcome to SR. You will find so much love and support on this site. All of the people here either are addicts, or love an addict.
It's a very tough thing to deal with, and support is always a plus.
This site has given me the tools I need to stand strong.
Also Naranon, is a wonderful program for families and loved ones of an addict
You have 3 little children to protect. Take all the help you can get.
Nobody just stops using opiates like Oxycontins, and Benzo's.
From what I understand those drugs are the hardest to stop using.
Your husband doesn't think he is an addict.
Well, I got news for him. He is. Take all his drugs away
and let me know how he reacts. That will tell you if he is an addict.
You say he quit cold turkey after 8 years of using.
That's highly unlikely. I guarantee you he is still using to some degree.
Maybe he cut down a bit, but I'm sure he didn't just stop using.
Denial and lying are very typical with opiate addiction
He needs to admit to himself that he is an addict.
That's the first step in getting well.
I'm sorry to tell you, but you have a very rough road ahead.
I'm not trying to be mean or hurt you. I'm just being honest.
Naranon is very helpful. Find a meeting in your area.
Sit in and listen. You will learn coping skills, and how to take care of yourself,
and your 3 children while your husband is still in active addiction.
You cannot guilt him straight, or love him straight.
Only he can get himself straight.
Good Luck to you and your family
I wish you all the best. There's no quick and easy fix to this problem.
Keep on Posting, and let us know how things are going
:sorry
It's a very tough thing to deal with, and support is always a plus.
This site has given me the tools I need to stand strong.
Also Naranon, is a wonderful program for families and loved ones of an addict
You have 3 little children to protect. Take all the help you can get.
Nobody just stops using opiates like Oxycontins, and Benzo's.
From what I understand those drugs are the hardest to stop using.
Your husband doesn't think he is an addict.
Well, I got news for him. He is. Take all his drugs away
and let me know how he reacts. That will tell you if he is an addict.
You say he quit cold turkey after 8 years of using.
That's highly unlikely. I guarantee you he is still using to some degree.
Maybe he cut down a bit, but I'm sure he didn't just stop using.
Denial and lying are very typical with opiate addiction
He needs to admit to himself that he is an addict.
That's the first step in getting well.
I'm sorry to tell you, but you have a very rough road ahead.
I'm not trying to be mean or hurt you. I'm just being honest.
Naranon is very helpful. Find a meeting in your area.
Sit in and listen. You will learn coping skills, and how to take care of yourself,
and your 3 children while your husband is still in active addiction.
You cannot guilt him straight, or love him straight.
Only he can get himself straight.
Good Luck to you and your family
I wish you all the best. There's no quick and easy fix to this problem.
Keep on Posting, and let us know how things are going
:sorry
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I agree, get yourself to a naranon meeting, pronto. And while you're on the internet, order a copy of Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty. For extra credit, get Playing it by Heart, also by Beatty. Good books, and in my opinion, essential reading for those caught in the cross-fire of addiction. Strap in, my dear, if you're staying with an addict it is one bumpy ride!!!!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Angelic17 
Take all his drugs away
and let me know how he reacts. That will tell you if he is an addict.
You say he quit cold turkey after 8 years of using.
That's highly unlikely. I guarantee you he is still using to some degree.
Maybe he cut down a bit, but I'm sure he didn't just stop using.
Denial and lying are very typical with opiate addiction
He needs to admit to himself that he is an addict.
That's the first step in getting well.
I'm sorry to tell you, but you have a very rough road ahead.
I'm not trying to be mean or hurt you. I'm just being honest.
:sorry
and let me know how he reacts. That will tell you if he is an addict.
You say he quit cold turkey after 8 years of using.
That's highly unlikely. I guarantee you he is still using to some degree.
Maybe he cut down a bit, but I'm sure he didn't just stop using.
Denial and lying are very typical with opiate addiction
He needs to admit to himself that he is an addict.
That's the first step in getting well.
I'm sorry to tell you, but you have a very rough road ahead.
I'm not trying to be mean or hurt you. I'm just being honest.
:sorry
I agree with all of this.....
My abf is addicted to pain pills, and who knows what else. (i just don't know anymore.)
This is a long, long road.
I hope you find some insight here, and peace within yourself to do what is best for you family.
Nonetheless, people are here for you to talk with.
Take care,
Cess
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome...I'm really sorry for why you are here but so glad you found SR. I agree with everyone...surround yourself with as much support as you can. He has taken the first step in his recovery, and you have too. Meetings, counseling reading here and books about addiction, recovery and codependency are great ways to establish that solid support system.
Keep reading and posting. There are lots of caring folks here!
Keep reading and posting. There are lots of caring folks here!
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