Mothers Day???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
Mothers Day???
ad came over today to spend time with her girls. Last nite she told me she had to move today but must have changed plans and came early. She got upset with me because the 2 yr. old was with friends till 5p.m. I reminded her that she told me she was moving and would be here later. Well, her 14 yr. old got upset with me. I feel very taken advantage of. I have taken care of her since she was 8, not a penny from Mom,but yet Mom got a nice home made card and I got nothing. I wish that gd would treat me alittle of the same. She's not rude, just stand offish. It hurts that I can ask her to go for a walk and it's no. but mom asks and she goes! I bite my tongue when gd asks for money for the movies or whatever as I'd like to say "ask Mom ". gd has to get braces and I told her Mom about what it is going to cost out of pocket, I got no response. She barely makes enough to provide for herself. I guess I,m at a "pity party for one". I would have liked to get a home made card to, just to say 'thanks gramma'
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Katie)))
Right now you are the one with all the work and responsibility and their mom is the easy going one that they perhaps are trying to impress. They KNOW you love them but their mom isn't there so maybe they need to ensure that she loves them too. Maybe their anger at their mom not being there has been misdirected at you?
I'm no Dr. Phil but I know how kids think sometimes and they don't mean to hurt you, it's just that they are hurting themselves and acting out.
That doesn't make it hurt any less. Maybe have a talk with these kids about how you feel...they are old enough to understand. Or maybe some counseling might help them deal with their issues in all this.
I'm sending you a great big hug because you truly deserve one, and prayers that your life with these kids gets a little easier.
Right now you are the one with all the work and responsibility and their mom is the easy going one that they perhaps are trying to impress. They KNOW you love them but their mom isn't there so maybe they need to ensure that she loves them too. Maybe their anger at their mom not being there has been misdirected at you?
I'm no Dr. Phil but I know how kids think sometimes and they don't mean to hurt you, it's just that they are hurting themselves and acting out.
That doesn't make it hurt any less. Maybe have a talk with these kids about how you feel...they are old enough to understand. Or maybe some counseling might help them deal with their issues in all this.
I'm sending you a great big hug because you truly deserve one, and prayers that your life with these kids gets a little easier.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
We have a young girl in our classroom whos mother died from alcoholismwhen this girl was young. She is being raised by her step mom and her father who is an addict. This girl strikes out at anyone who is in her way. I have to keep reminding myself that she is hurting and at her young age she cannot process that pain any other way. Someday your gd will appreciate what you are doing for her, but at 14 she does not have the maturity to see anything except her pain right now. You are doing the right thing by being there for her. I agree with Ann that counseling may help. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
We're not mom's or in the mom role because we want recognition but when days like mothers' day come around it hard to not hold some expectation that someone will suddenly recognize all that you do for them. during this i have to remind myself that i'm a mom by choice and that i dont do this job because there are any rewards or payments only because its what i choose to do. our rewards will come later.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
As the mother's of addicts, this holiday can be quite cruel, to put it mildly. I have a very strong feeling that your gd will one day realize what the truth is/was and will make a big amends to you. but not today, and almost never at the age of 14. They just don't get it at all at that age. And then, your AD is alive, so there's still hope (though I know sometimes even hoping is too painful).
Here's to a much better Mom's Day in 2010! Now go and have yourself good monday night!
Here's to a much better Mom's Day in 2010! Now go and have yourself good monday night!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
Thanks so much to all, I was feeling pretty bummed out and now its good. I guess I'm looking for a big major change in ad. She's been clean for 11 months now, but as I said before, not going to meetings etc. there are days that I see some hope but then the next hour it,s ALL about her again. Is it possible that crack can permently change the mind way of working?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Katie))
I can only give you MY crack experience...there is a HUGE difference in being clean and recovery. When I first got clean, I still had the addict behaviors and I was not a very pleasant person to be around because I was dealing with all the consequences of my using, didn't have anything to numb myself with, and I also didn't have any recovery tools to help me through it. Well, actually I did have recovery tools, I just chose not to use them, because I still hadn't accepted I was an addict.
I guess crack could do permanent damage to your brain, but I've known people who have done it for years and years, get into a program of recovery and do amazingly well.
As far as your gd..my niece is almost 16 and is totally convinced the world revolves around her. I truly believe that kids almost neglect the family member they are the most secure with..the one they KNOW, without a doubt, will love them. The one they aren't so sure about? The one they're afraid is going to run off and they may never see again? That's the one who's going to get the cards, and they're time. It hurts, and it's not fair, but I've seen it happen time and time again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I can only give you MY crack experience...there is a HUGE difference in being clean and recovery. When I first got clean, I still had the addict behaviors and I was not a very pleasant person to be around because I was dealing with all the consequences of my using, didn't have anything to numb myself with, and I also didn't have any recovery tools to help me through it. Well, actually I did have recovery tools, I just chose not to use them, because I still hadn't accepted I was an addict.
I guess crack could do permanent damage to your brain, but I've known people who have done it for years and years, get into a program of recovery and do amazingly well.
As far as your gd..my niece is almost 16 and is totally convinced the world revolves around her. I truly believe that kids almost neglect the family member they are the most secure with..the one they KNOW, without a doubt, will love them. The one they aren't so sure about? The one they're afraid is going to run off and they may never see again? That's the one who's going to get the cards, and they're time. It hurts, and it's not fair, but I've seen it happen time and time again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Sounds like she suffers from 'dry drunk syndrome' it applies to drug addicts too.
What is a dry drunk, and the ‘dry drunk syndrome’ as it is sometimes called? It can best be described as someone who fits one of two conditions.
The first is someone who has given up drinking and drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case what was once someone abstinent and on a progressive path of recovery has slowly returned to chaotic and unrealistic thinking.
Being active in your addiction sets up many trains of thought, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are problematic. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors will produce a dry drunk syndrome. The dry drunk really refers to a condition and not the person. It is important to recognize a reversion back to our old ways of thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in recovery.
The dry drunk can be a precursor to the beginnings of relapse, the AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable, and discontented”. This set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is chemically dependent, or even those were not. Here are some of the attitudes common with the dry drunk syndrome.
Grandiosity - Grandiosity basically means a return to a self-centered, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. In 12 Step literatures this is the concept of being “self-centered in the extreme”. It does not have to necessarily mean that I believe I am the best; it can also be seeking attention through playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot.
Impulsivity – A common attitude or observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. We tend to do what we want when we want, with little regard for self harm or hurting others around us. Impulsivity can be linked with grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make us the center of attention.
Being judgmental – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On the other hand if we judge ourselves to be on the short end we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being judgmental is a low self-esteem generator.
Complacency - This is not only an attitude of somebody in dry drunk syndrome, but is a red flag warning sign of someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward. It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive about your recovery, the natural to a tendency is to fall back into addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step away.
Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions stemming from these self-centered thoughts.
Here are some destructive patterns and actions that can result from dry drunk thinking:
1. We become restless and irritable and discontent.
2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks.
3. Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull, nothing excites us anymore.
4. We start to the engage in the euphoric recall that is yearning for the good old days of active using and for getting the pain and shame of use.
5. We start to engage in magical thinking we get on realistic and fanciful expectations and dreams.
6. The last thing we want you is engaged in introspection to improve ourselves.
7. We start to become unfulfilled and have the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy our yearning or fill the hole in the sole.
Looking back at the list of attitudes and thought distortions listed above, it is easy to see how the dry drunk syndrome is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it was when we were active in our use. If you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed creeping back into your life, is target time to start paying attention to the possibility of relapse and start turning your life in sobriety and recovery around. The dry drunk syndrome is a bright red flashing warning sign for relapse.
Author Bill Urell
What Is A Dry Drunk?
What is a dry drunk, and the ‘dry drunk syndrome’ as it is sometimes called? It can best be described as someone who fits one of two conditions.
The first is someone who has given up drinking and drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case what was once someone abstinent and on a progressive path of recovery has slowly returned to chaotic and unrealistic thinking.
Being active in your addiction sets up many trains of thought, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are problematic. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors will produce a dry drunk syndrome. The dry drunk really refers to a condition and not the person. It is important to recognize a reversion back to our old ways of thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in recovery.
The dry drunk can be a precursor to the beginnings of relapse, the AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable, and discontented”. This set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is chemically dependent, or even those were not. Here are some of the attitudes common with the dry drunk syndrome.
Grandiosity - Grandiosity basically means a return to a self-centered, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. In 12 Step literatures this is the concept of being “self-centered in the extreme”. It does not have to necessarily mean that I believe I am the best; it can also be seeking attention through playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot.
Impulsivity – A common attitude or observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. We tend to do what we want when we want, with little regard for self harm or hurting others around us. Impulsivity can be linked with grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make us the center of attention.
Being judgmental – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On the other hand if we judge ourselves to be on the short end we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being judgmental is a low self-esteem generator.
Complacency - This is not only an attitude of somebody in dry drunk syndrome, but is a red flag warning sign of someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward. It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive about your recovery, the natural to a tendency is to fall back into addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step away.
Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions stemming from these self-centered thoughts.
Here are some destructive patterns and actions that can result from dry drunk thinking:
1. We become restless and irritable and discontent.
2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks.
3. Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull, nothing excites us anymore.
4. We start to the engage in the euphoric recall that is yearning for the good old days of active using and for getting the pain and shame of use.
5. We start to engage in magical thinking we get on realistic and fanciful expectations and dreams.
6. The last thing we want you is engaged in introspection to improve ourselves.
7. We start to become unfulfilled and have the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy our yearning or fill the hole in the sole.
Looking back at the list of attitudes and thought distortions listed above, it is easy to see how the dry drunk syndrome is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it was when we were active in our use. If you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed creeping back into your life, is target time to start paying attention to the possibility of relapse and start turning your life in sobriety and recovery around. The dry drunk syndrome is a bright red flashing warning sign for relapse.
Author Bill Urell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
WOW! This was all so helpful. Yes, she is putting down using addicts. She puts them down for doing the exact things she did, but doesn't seem to see it as part of her using days. impulsive? VERY! It also makes sense to me about gd's behavior.
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