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Old 05-10-2009, 08:11 PM
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I'm back. Some things never change! A couple of months ago I reached out to you all about my xabf/my son's father, when he had relapsed. I'm having a new issue these days and would like input from wherever/whoever!!!! Xabf is "in recovery." He has been dating this girl for some time now. She is also an addict. I don't know her. I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is that she is a heroin addict and that they've had a very abusive relationship. I was told that they were not together anymore, as I only found out that she was also an addict the last time xabf relapsed. Yesterday, my son came home and told me that this girl told him that we (my son and I) have bugs in our house. This lead to a series of questions from my son. We don't have bugs. Our home is quite the opposite. We have a housekeeper who literally washes down every surface of our home twice a week. If anything, I'd say our home was too clean. So, this obviously led to my discovery that xabf and this girl are back together. I had a conversation with him and just stated how I felt about this situation. Here are my thoughts: We have a custody agreement. He is not allowed to use drugs or he will lose custody. I was overly lenant with the last relapse and worked with him and my lawyer to keep everything out of court. But, nevertheless, there is a custody agreement that HE cannot use drugs. There is nothing stating that this girl cannot use drugs. I find it honestly, exhausting, trying to keep track of whether or not he is using. And, really feel like its unfair for my son to be doubly subjected to this lifestyle. He's already in therapy to deal with his father's issues. I basically stated that I did not care what he does with this girl but that I have a right to decide who is in my son's life and that this girl is not welcome. My son has already been through enough with this whole relationship between watching them fight... verbally and physically, to now witnessing her "sneak" into xabf's mother's house because she is not welcome there by his mother (he is living with his mother). Is this my right to say that I don't want this girl around my child? Can I/Should I pursue this further?
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Old 05-10-2009, 09:47 PM
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Hey sweeetie. Happpy Mother's day - I hope your son was extra affectionate and helpful to his mom today!

I'm no expert on legal issues and custody battles, but my gut says that you have every right to do whatever is best for you and your son. It sure sounds like the relationship is unhealthy and J shouldn't have to be exposed to it. If your exMIL won't even let her in the house, it really must be a bad situation. Hugs...Hope things calm down for you soon.
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Old 05-10-2009, 10:18 PM
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I agree with GED you have the 'right' to do whatever is BEST for your son and you. Yes, your attorney can get the child custody amended to read that not only must he not be using, he cannot take the child around or have the child around anyone who is using.

J M H O

As a side note, when I read your post and what the GF told your son, I immediately thought of 'listening' bugs, not creepy crawly bugs. With EX being an addict, you just never know.

Anyway, you do what you feel is best for your son.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-10-2009, 10:52 PM
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I thought of that too, as an after fact (the listening bugs thing). Honestly though, I really wouldn't even remotely be worried about that. Even if he recorded every moment of every day of my life, I can truly say that it would do absolutely nothing to help him. We literally live as peacefully as possible.

I'm only remotely concerned about the comment in general. I know that my house is clean and that we don't have bugs. I could rationally choke it up to one of many things: a misunderstanding between her and my son, my son looking for a way of telling me that this girl was there without saying it straight out, this girl looking for a way of calling attention to herself, a bored little girl looking to fill her time up by instigating drama.

I guess the biggest disappointment for me in all of this is the whole parasitic nature of the entire thing. I literally do not think about xabf for even a second between his varying visitations. He's not a part of our lives. I don't call him unless it's the rare case of needing to communicate to him something relative to our child. I have very strict boundaries for myself about how I deal with him, what I will say to him, etc. I don't talk about my problems to him. I tell him things that are relevant to our son. I will listen to him and offer advice (as long as it does not include anything about using drugs!!!!). But, beyond that, I want nothing to do with him. Yet, he continuously seems to find ways to inject his drama into my serenity. After years of dealing with this, I truly know that he gets enjoyment out of this. He enjoys arguing with me. He enjoys knowing that he's bestowing upon me a headache. Its like he wants to be a bug that crawls under my skin. And, I wish each and every single night, that he'll just leave me alone already! That he'll grow up and start making adult choices and exhibiting even an ounce of good judgment. That some day he'll wake up and realize that he's accountable to someone other then just himself! It's like continuing to wake up to the same nightmare over and over again despite making responsible decisions, like continuously being punished for a mistake you made years ago.
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Old 05-11-2009, 02:09 AM
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I'm not sure of the law where you live, but here you could insist on supervised visits...at your convenience. Children's Aid here will protect any child from exposure to drug abuse and the effects. Even recovering addicts must go through a process that takes a lot of time (like a year or more of clean time) before home visits are allowed again.

Check your rights, check your child's rights. You may not have to let him visit at all.

Sending great big hugs because you have come so far with all of this. You little fella is one lucky child to have a mom like you.
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Old 05-11-2009, 05:29 AM
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i thought of the listening bugs too - i know my son thought i had cameras in the house watching him for a while.

you have every right and in fact you have an obligation to make sure that your son is not around drugs or people currently using drugs. that would be a pretty easy change to have made in a court order and i'm actually surprised the judge didnt add it in already.
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Old 05-11-2009, 08:37 AM
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((never))

HUGS to you honey - how tough to be in that situation - I do think like the others have said it may be time to seek whatever legal advise you can get to protect your precious son from exposure to unhealthiness.

After all (and I know this is an extreme example but hey it works) if you knew there was an outbreak of "swine flu" at school - wouldn't you do everything possible to keep your child away from exposure to that deadly virus?

So why not do all we can to keep our loved ones from being exposed to their parents when those parents are acting "deadly and unhealthy" toward themselves and others? It doesn't mean that it has to be a permanent situation - it can just be until his dad gets to a place where the drugs are not the main focus of his life - prayerfully that will happen someday for him.

HUGS to you again Never - Remember make the best decision you can according to the guidance from your HP and trust that HP to take care of the rest.

Rita
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