Quick! I need a refresher course

Old 05-09-2009, 11:27 PM
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Quick! I need a refresher course

in letting go of my AD, of my Mother's Day (coming in just hours), and of everything else I can't control.

My AD did get the message from my mom (her Grandma) that I will pick her up from the train station and then drive us both to my mom's for Mom's Day. My mom spoke to my AD's BF and he told her and she knows what she needs to do. I spoke to her last week and she was seemingly excited to come and see us both.

The chances of her actually getting off that train? 50%? 75%? 2%? who knows.

My assignment, should I choose to accept it, is to be OK with myself, my life, my God, and my feelings regardless of the outcome of tomorrow.

Mother's Day has been (for the past 2 years) the single worst day of the year- I have been suicidally depressed, spent all day in bed, spent all day crying - you name the negative emotion, I've had it on that day in the past. the first year she was using (2 years ago on mom's Day), she was on the street & i thought she was dead. Hired the Private Eye the very monday after Mother's day that year to find her. I Remember all that like it was yesterday. Last Mother's Day was not a whole lot better. I truly despise these holidays - but be that as it may, I need to get thru this one, and I hope to make it thru with as little pain as possible.


BTW, my mom doesn't not want me to come unless my daughter is with me! She actually told me not to. I resisted the strong urge to say, "Hey, mom, what am I, chopped liver?", but I certainly thought it. so going and being with my own mom regardless of what AD does is not an option.
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Old 05-10-2009, 01:19 AM
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I hope things go well. I'll pray for you and your daughter.
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Old 05-10-2009, 04:35 AM
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Awww, Sleepygoat, I know so well that upsetting feeling not knowing if she will show up or not. Even today, if a person is supposed to meet me somewhere, I feel my stomach churning if they are not there right on time. It's become a PTSD thing with me that I can't seem to shake. My bottom was a night that my son wasn't on a bus he was supposed to arrive on and I drove over an hour to a crackhouse to find him...stupid choice on my part but the point where I surrendered it all to God.

Maybe have a Plan B ready, so that if she doesn't show up you have something wonderful to do for yourself. Whether our kids acknowledge it or not, we ARE great mothers and can celebrate ourselves if need be.

Sending big hugs, and wishing you a Happy Mother's Day.
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Old 05-10-2009, 05:31 AM
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I agree with Ann. Do something nice for yourself whether your daughter shows or not. Even though today is fraught with symbolism, in the end it is just another 24 hours that we get through the best that we can. Although my daughter is clean this year, she has to work a twelve hour shift at the restaurant and I will not be sharing this day with her. I plan on spending a quiet day just like all of my Sundays. I am sorry that your mother feels the way that she does. She is missing a great opportunity to spend time with you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-10-2009, 06:18 AM
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AHHH - shame on your mom for not letting you come without your daughter. Seems kinda silly since its you who is supposed to honor your mom not gd. But whatever - nothing you can do about that. My son is in jail and wants me to come visit him because tonite the gold card kids (ones who reach the high levels for good behavior) get to have parents bring them dinner. Okay - so mothers day and i'm supposed to do something nice for HIM? doesnt seem right to me somehow.

this weekend i broke my front tooth - so I'm not going anywhere until the dentist opens on monday - no pain involved because it was a crown but i'm not going in public without a tooth. My mom was bummed that i wont be going to church with her today but understands. (i'll go out without makeup but not missing teeth!)

So even though I have my DD - its not going to be the hallmark version of mother's day. No breakfast in bad or lovely brunch, no cards and flowers and presents. We have these expectations because of what we see on tv and hear from others that this is what its supposed to be. Everyone worshipping mom for all that we have done - the real world is just different. Especially when you have an addict in your life who cannot appreciate anyone.

Until i let go of those "expectations" I would be sad on mothers day and on my birthday. But slowly i'm realizing that it doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things. I know in my heart that I and you have been good moms - we didnt do it for rewards or recognition - we did it because that's the right thing to do. For that alone i'll celebrate myself. some day i hope both my AS and your AD realize that we were good moms who were there for them but if it never happens at least we have the peace that we did the best we could - not for rewards but because its who we are.
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Old 05-10-2009, 06:47 AM
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I am so sorry you are letting your emotions be controlled on the idea "if" your daughter shows up. I hope that didn't come off as mean, but I hope you see the point. It really is just another day. Your the mother, it is your day do something great for yourself today. It is so pretty out take a long walk, go to lunch. Wouldn't it be nice for once if you didn't show up (that would take the worry out of it) and just spent this time on you. I am sorry you have to deal with this. (((Hugs))) Julie
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Old 05-10-2009, 01:11 PM
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Hi Sleepygoat,
Happy Mother's Day... enjoy the day with your Mom and explain to her the reality of your life and that you cannot count on your AD, but that doesn't mean you cannot be with her and cherish the time with your Mom. My AD has not showed up for many holidays, birthdays, etc. and it is now just -- another day that SHE looks bad and misses out on all the goodness in the world and all the great people in her family. I take no responsibility for her behavior -- None...
Michael J. Fox who has parkinsons disease said something that I can relate to and for me helps me through some of those difficult moments..
"Your happiness grows in direct proportion to your expectations"
So true...
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Old 05-10-2009, 07:11 PM
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Sleepygoat, I hope you had a wonderful Mothers Day, regardless of whether your AD showed up or even if you didn't visit your mom. Celebrate Mom's Day for you.

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Old 05-10-2009, 09:55 PM
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Hope you had a good day, Sleepy, with or without your daughter. It's good that you got to speak with her last week.
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Old 05-11-2009, 04:08 PM
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Hi everyone and thanks for your replies.

I did get to see my daughter (and my mom) on Mother's Day. AD was well behaved.

She even gave me a card that pictures a kitten who fell into a toilet bowl (can't make this stuff up) and it says "Well, that wasn't supposed to happen." Inside the card, it says, "Some of the best lessons moms just let you learn for yourself"

Than she said the card means she understands that I can't keep taking her to rehab if she won't stay there, and that she understands why I won't do that anymore.

Meanwhile, she informed me that she hasn't been back to the HIV clinic in 6 months, can't figure out how to fix the problem with losing her charity care there, and can I please help her???

Soooo - what I did was give her a couple of suggestions on how to fix this herself as she is almost out of HIV medication. If she shows some effort and tries to help herself, I MAY (or may not) help her further, as in take her to an appt at whatever agency or other needs to get involved..

Whatever. One nerve-wracking holiday at a time.

Thanks be to God I saw her, and Thanks be to God, its over for another year.
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