Newbie to this Forum....
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
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Newbie to this Forum....
Dunno how many of you read the other threads, so for those who do not, I've personally battled my addiction to crack cocaine for a few months now.
However, I've found my best friend, of 10 years, is addicted to pain killers. I've got a kind of both sides of the fence POV. I know he won't stop until he is ready and he doesn't even admit having a problem right now. Being an addict, I know all the signs.
At least now I know why he didn't want me being pals with his GF. She and I put the pieces together.
I am pretty distraught over this. I don't know what to do. Can't seem to wrap my head around things. I know what to do about my own recovery, and I know you can do nothing, except argue, fight, fuss, and deny, with an addict in active addiction.
Anyone else on both sides of the fence? Any advice? Information?
His GF and I have even discussed tricking him into going to an NA meeting with me (by asking him to come see me get my next tag), but I am pretty sure that will set off the "bomb". And I don't want to do anything like that. I know, in active addiction, I would have murdered anyone if they had done that to me....
I am really lost. I was up almost all night, last night, talking with her. Sorting out his lies. He doesn't have a job, so we talked about where he gets the money from. She gives him some, from her paycheck, to help with bills but bills never get paid. I have given him 10 or 15 bucks before myself, just to try to help him out. Most of the time I just buy groceries or put gas in his truck, rather than give him cash.
I also told her that I just can't handle something like this. I feel the strong need to pull back into my addiction and hide. I don't believe I am emotionally ready to handle a problem on this scale. I just can't believe my best friend is doing this to himself, after watching me struggle with my own addiction. He had always been supportive about me getting and staying clean. He cried when I fessed up about it.
I just don't think he realizes it yet. I want to ask him, so badly, where do 120 vikes go in three days, and there is no money to show for it (like as if he sold them rather than swallowed them).
I am going to post this in my regular forums too, to try to find some experience, strength, and hope on the topic.
I apologize if this is in the wrong forum. I am still kinda new to SR...
Thank you!
However, I've found my best friend, of 10 years, is addicted to pain killers. I've got a kind of both sides of the fence POV. I know he won't stop until he is ready and he doesn't even admit having a problem right now. Being an addict, I know all the signs.
At least now I know why he didn't want me being pals with his GF. She and I put the pieces together.
I am pretty distraught over this. I don't know what to do. Can't seem to wrap my head around things. I know what to do about my own recovery, and I know you can do nothing, except argue, fight, fuss, and deny, with an addict in active addiction.
Anyone else on both sides of the fence? Any advice? Information?
His GF and I have even discussed tricking him into going to an NA meeting with me (by asking him to come see me get my next tag), but I am pretty sure that will set off the "bomb". And I don't want to do anything like that. I know, in active addiction, I would have murdered anyone if they had done that to me....
I am really lost. I was up almost all night, last night, talking with her. Sorting out his lies. He doesn't have a job, so we talked about where he gets the money from. She gives him some, from her paycheck, to help with bills but bills never get paid. I have given him 10 or 15 bucks before myself, just to try to help him out. Most of the time I just buy groceries or put gas in his truck, rather than give him cash.
I also told her that I just can't handle something like this. I feel the strong need to pull back into my addiction and hide. I don't believe I am emotionally ready to handle a problem on this scale. I just can't believe my best friend is doing this to himself, after watching me struggle with my own addiction. He had always been supportive about me getting and staying clean. He cried when I fessed up about it.
I just don't think he realizes it yet. I want to ask him, so badly, where do 120 vikes go in three days, and there is no money to show for it (like as if he sold them rather than swallowed them).
I am going to post this in my regular forums too, to try to find some experience, strength, and hope on the topic.
I apologize if this is in the wrong forum. I am still kinda new to SR...
Thank you!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by CrackQuack 
Anyone else on both sides of the fence? Any advice? Information?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Don't do what you did?? Need I ask? *laughs cautiously*
I will see if there is one in the area and get my butt to it. Great, more meetings (silly sarcasm). And I live at the library part time (not really), so I will look that author up.
The more I read on SR, though, the better I am feeling. But I think I better quit posting for a bit.. I think I may be taking things the wrong way and definitely having a hard time staying on topic.. and I am getting bossy.. Ugh. All signs of me getting stressed out and a severe lack of sleep. I need a nap, but gotta go to work, so I will call it an early night tonight, when I get to my boyfriend's..
Poor guy. Has to deal with a crack addict and he doesn't get none.. OMgosh, I cannot believe I just wrote that!
I will see if there is one in the area and get my butt to it. Great, more meetings (silly sarcasm). And I live at the library part time (not really), so I will look that author up.
The more I read on SR, though, the better I am feeling. But I think I better quit posting for a bit.. I think I may be taking things the wrong way and definitely having a hard time staying on topic.. and I am getting bossy.. Ugh. All signs of me getting stressed out and a severe lack of sleep. I need a nap, but gotta go to work, so I will call it an early night tonight, when I get to my boyfriend's..
Poor guy. Has to deal with a crack addict and he doesn't get none.. OMgosh, I cannot believe I just wrote that!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Originally Posted by cynical one
Your buddy will never even want to get better until his enablers stop "helping" him. Giving him money, a place to crash, food in his belly, and gas in his tank is "helping" him to continue his addiction. If you really want to help...stop "helping".
You're still very new to recovery yourself, and on a slippery slope, keep your focus right there...on you.
You're still very new to recovery yourself, and on a slippery slope, keep your focus right there...on you.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Posts: 879
Originally Posted by anvilhead
recall the three C's
you didn't CAUSE it
you can't CONTROL it
and you can't CURE it
last thing you wanna do is get so wrapped up in trying to FIX somebody else, you get exasperated and get loaded over it!!!! we talk about hula hoops here....if you took a hula hoop over your head and let it drop to the ground, YOUR world is the space INSIDE the hula hoop - that's YOUR stuff - and what happens OUTSIDE the hula hoop AIN't! hang in there tiger....
you didn't CAUSE it
you can't CONTROL it
and you can't CURE it
last thing you wanna do is get so wrapped up in trying to FIX somebody else, you get exasperated and get loaded over it!!!! we talk about hula hoops here....if you took a hula hoop over your head and let it drop to the ground, YOUR world is the space INSIDE the hula hoop - that's YOUR stuff - and what happens OUTSIDE the hula hoop AIN't! hang in there tiger....
Gonna go get a hula hoop now.. Hope Mom can't fit in there. LOLOL. Just kidding.. Trying to make myself feel better about the situation.
And I've said Just For Today and the Serenity Prayer so much, I feel like taping it and just hitting the playback button..
I need a pop. I am going to get one and get to work. I know I said I shouldn't be posting, but I like the advice given so far. It's all **** I KNOW, but I just didn't because of my emotions running around right now. I needed to be reminded. Keep the reminders, and anything new, coming. Thanks again.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
My Dear CoDependent Friend: I know you talked about this a little this morning, but I didn't realize it was this heavy on your mind. I apologize for not realizing it but we are new friends, so I'm not able to read you yet.
Just remember the things I told you earlier.
First of all, get a good night's sleep tonight! It's d*mn near impossible to think with a clear head when we're running on a few hours of sleep, especially when you spent most of the night talking with his gf about all of this. I'm sure you're physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now.
Be very careful, especially in early Recovery not to overextend yourself. I know you have been there for me a few days this week driving me around to take care of my things and I know you've been helping other people as well. But take care of you first! You have to be selfish in your Recovery, put yourself first! I know that's hard to do because when we were using, we were selfish, but it's different. I had shared with you right after I got Sober, I ran myself ragged, trying to take care of my Mom in an attempt to make up to her all the years I wasn't there. My Son and I were rebuilding our relationship so I overextended myself there. Then there was my Dad who I was trying to be there for him, especially when he was sick with Cancer before he died. This left VERY little time for Judy . . . I was only getting about 4 -5 hours of sleep every night for weeks on end. I was working full time and the weekends I spent doing for everyone else. I never even let myself sleep in past 5:00 am, I set my alarm so I could get the most out of every day. With my illnesses, it caught up with me and I'd be physically down for several days, sleeping about 20 hours a day. If my body didn't give out, I hate to think of what could have happened. Would I have picked up? It's very possible I could have!
Why don't you set aside some time each day just for you. Take a nap, read, take a hot bubble bath, just do something relaxing for yourself. And get busy on the Steps my dear! There is very little you can do for your friend but pray. This is something that you have to turn over to God. You know in your heart that until he's ready to do something about it, nothing you, his girlfriend or anyone else says or does is going to convince him that he needs to get some help and stop. I agree with what the others have said, you can't keep giving him money, even if it's putting gas in his car. You don't have it to begin with and he'll never get a job and start taking on responsibilities as long as you and his girlfriend continue to financially support him.
It's time to take care of you right now. Sometimes it's ok to say no. . . even to me! lol
Big Hugs and a Coca Cola,
Judy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
You told your friends "I can't handle this."
In Al-Anon we use the same twelve steps used in the addiction rooms, and we learn, gradually, that we are not expected to "handle" someone else's addiction or someone else's destiny.
So the third step, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him" is about releasing our sense of responsibility for another person's fate.
I have read your posts on the other forum and have been helped a lot by them. I read the other forum so I can better understand the other side. So I truly hope you will stay on the beautiful path you have chosen: LIFE.
Be well.
In Al-Anon we use the same twelve steps used in the addiction rooms, and we learn, gradually, that we are not expected to "handle" someone else's addiction or someone else's destiny.
So the third step, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him" is about releasing our sense of responsibility for another person's fate.
I have read your posts on the other forum and have been helped a lot by them. I read the other forum so I can better understand the other side. So I truly hope you will stay on the beautiful path you have chosen: LIFE.
Be well.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((CQ))
It IS a lot different when we see things from this side of the fence, isn't it? I've been dealing with this with my stepmom, and most recently a friend/coworker.
Despite having been a part of this forum since I joined SR, and knowing better, I still forgot the 3 c's with my stepmom at first. Because I'm a recovering addict, everyone expects me to have all the answers. They don't understand that just because I recognize addictive behaviors, understand them, that doesn't mean I can do anything about them.
You've gotten some good advice above. I've had to detach, quite a bit, from the addicts in my life, even though I still live in the same house with my stepmom. I had to learn this the hard way. I came here, more than a few times, a total codie mess and my serenity was disappearing fast. When that happens, I worry about MY recovery.
My best advice is keep the focus on you, sweetie. It's great when we can help out the people we love and care about, but sometimes they don't want our help or they're just not ready. It breaks my heart, when they won't accept my help, but it's not going to do either one of us any good if we fall down with them. I choose to keep moving on my path, so they have some to reach up to when they ARE ready.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It IS a lot different when we see things from this side of the fence, isn't it? I've been dealing with this with my stepmom, and most recently a friend/coworker.
Despite having been a part of this forum since I joined SR, and knowing better, I still forgot the 3 c's with my stepmom at first. Because I'm a recovering addict, everyone expects me to have all the answers. They don't understand that just because I recognize addictive behaviors, understand them, that doesn't mean I can do anything about them.
You've gotten some good advice above. I've had to detach, quite a bit, from the addicts in my life, even though I still live in the same house with my stepmom. I had to learn this the hard way. I came here, more than a few times, a total codie mess and my serenity was disappearing fast. When that happens, I worry about MY recovery.
My best advice is keep the focus on you, sweetie. It's great when we can help out the people we love and care about, but sometimes they don't want our help or they're just not ready. It breaks my heart, when they won't accept my help, but it's not going to do either one of us any good if we fall down with them. I choose to keep moving on my path, so they have some to reach up to when they ARE ready.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Hocus, pocus, keep the focus...on you and your recovery! You are just learning to swim, and as a beginning paddler, you aren't qualified to do a life-saving maneuver at this point. Leave the 12-step calls to the experienced swimmers! I'm not saying it's a bad idea for you to invite him to see you get your next key tag. Couldn't hurt, actually. He might like it and recognize himself in there, but you won't be able to do that for him. So, if you invited him as a guest, there's nothing wrong with that. I'll tell anyone that wants to know about meetings, but I won't try to shove my recovery down any other addicts' throat. NA is a program of attraction, not promotion.
This is the way we work it: people around you see you grow in the light of your recovery, more joyful and spiritual, loving, and self-sufficient all the time. They become attracted to that and might even approach you for help to "get what you have." We don't try to talk people into joining, like Army recruiters do, by pointing out all the benefits available...lol...
If you can look at him as an example of what could happen to you if you go back out, then continue to live your recovery as best as you can, you'll stay clean. And you are the only one you can really keep clean! It's nice that you are concerned for others. But keep it on you, for now.
Love,
KJ
This is the way we work it: people around you see you grow in the light of your recovery, more joyful and spiritual, loving, and self-sufficient all the time. They become attracted to that and might even approach you for help to "get what you have." We don't try to talk people into joining, like Army recruiters do, by pointing out all the benefits available...lol...
If you can look at him as an example of what could happen to you if you go back out, then continue to live your recovery as best as you can, you'll stay clean. And you are the only one you can really keep clean! It's nice that you are concerned for others. But keep it on you, for now.
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Thank you everyone, really. I took myself back to "don't use for X amount of time and see how you feel then", many hard moments last night, but my boyfriend really helped out with taking me to see the cars and then get some pizza. I pigged out on that and fell soundly asleep when we got back to his place. So, poor guy, didn't get none last night. He said I was soooo out. Gone to the world, but was talking in my sleep, worrying about things. Worrying about my recovery. Asking why me.. Etc..
So today, against his better judgement, he allows me to race his 1965 Ford Country Squire wagon down the 1/8th mile. Poor car. Racing is NOT its thing. Stalled every time I mashed the pedal. After the third run, we figured out what was wrong. It was kicking in the secondaries when I tried to launch off the line and flooding out the carb. So the last run was stall free. LOL. And I really didn't care that it did stall. I was going down the dragstrip. Had not done that in 2 YEARS. So it felt fantastic. Even the sunburn doesn't feel so bad, knowing I got to run down the strip and have a good time. We went to Pacemakers Dragway in Mt. Vernon, Oh.
I really enjoyed myself. And my boyfriend is the best person on earth right now.
He woke up the OTHER beast. The one with the need for speed(ing). hahahaha..
So today, against his better judgement, he allows me to race his 1965 Ford Country Squire wagon down the 1/8th mile. Poor car. Racing is NOT its thing. Stalled every time I mashed the pedal. After the third run, we figured out what was wrong. It was kicking in the secondaries when I tried to launch off the line and flooding out the carb. So the last run was stall free. LOL. And I really didn't care that it did stall. I was going down the dragstrip. Had not done that in 2 YEARS. So it felt fantastic. Even the sunburn doesn't feel so bad, knowing I got to run down the strip and have a good time. We went to Pacemakers Dragway in Mt. Vernon, Oh.
I really enjoyed myself. And my boyfriend is the best person on earth right now.
He woke up the OTHER beast. The one with the need for speed(ing). hahahaha..
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