Why does this hurt the most
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Why does this hurt the most
I have posted my story but will do a short recap before I pose my question. I have a 19 year old addicted daughter, who has identified that she has a problem, has requested treatment, and at the moment appear to be fighting the good fight to stay away from drugs. She attended rehab, followed by an SLE, bcame very frustrated watching the residents in their 30s relapse, behave inapproriately, and she asked to come home. I set up the ground rules ( the usual - no drugs, curfew, drug testing, etc.) and she agreed. She has been fine since she is home, is working and will move a short distance to attend college in the Fall. She is doing really well.
When she went to rehab she said that she would like her sisters to know that she has had a problem with substance abuse. Before then, she always wanted to keep it a secret from them. Since she came out of the drug close then they have treated her like a leper. Now understand that when she was actively abusing drugs her sisters saw her all the time. They never knew that anyting was amiss. I was just told by one that if she was living at home again that she would not come over to the house nor bring the grandchildren. On the one hand I understand their reluctance as I would have most likely done the same in their situation. It would be neglegent to bring children into an environment where there are illicit drugs. I know that she is not using but they don't.
My question is why does this response from her sisters hurt me so much. When I informed that they would not come over, I couldn't stop crying and I still tear up when I think of it. I have been through so much with my AD through her teenage years, sleepless nights, endless worry, watching her make terrible friend and boy friend choices, sat up with her in a emergency room when she had a bad reaction to ecstasy, paid the bills for her treatment, worried that she might overdose, worried that she might be arrested, worried that she was dead when she didn't return a phone call. Through all of this, now that she is attempting to stay clean, working the proper programs, making great choices, why does the fact that her sisters are pulling away hurt so badly? I think of upcoming Mother's Day and cry knowing that my oldest won't come by because the youngest is living at home.
When she went to rehab she said that she would like her sisters to know that she has had a problem with substance abuse. Before then, she always wanted to keep it a secret from them. Since she came out of the drug close then they have treated her like a leper. Now understand that when she was actively abusing drugs her sisters saw her all the time. They never knew that anyting was amiss. I was just told by one that if she was living at home again that she would not come over to the house nor bring the grandchildren. On the one hand I understand their reluctance as I would have most likely done the same in their situation. It would be neglegent to bring children into an environment where there are illicit drugs. I know that she is not using but they don't.
My question is why does this response from her sisters hurt me so much. When I informed that they would not come over, I couldn't stop crying and I still tear up when I think of it. I have been through so much with my AD through her teenage years, sleepless nights, endless worry, watching her make terrible friend and boy friend choices, sat up with her in a emergency room when she had a bad reaction to ecstasy, paid the bills for her treatment, worried that she might overdose, worried that she might be arrested, worried that she was dead when she didn't return a phone call. Through all of this, now that she is attempting to stay clean, working the proper programs, making great choices, why does the fact that her sisters are pulling away hurt so badly? I think of upcoming Mother's Day and cry knowing that my oldest won't come by because the youngest is living at home.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Well I would imagine that your other daughters feel that they have been lied to and used and right now resent it. I am also pretty sure, that with all they have probably heard about addiction they are fearful.
They are adults, they will have to work through this on their own. Eventually, I am sure, as they see their sister moving on with her life, (her ACTIONS) and living clean and sober, they will again have trust.
I do imagine it was 'quite a blow' to them that they had 'no idea' what was going on.
They love you, they have just set their 'own boundaries' for now. In all likelihood those boundaries will change as AD stays clean.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
They are adults, they will have to work through this on their own. Eventually, I am sure, as they see their sister moving on with her life, (her ACTIONS) and living clean and sober, they will again have trust.
I do imagine it was 'quite a blow' to them that they had 'no idea' what was going on.
They love you, they have just set their 'own boundaries' for now. In all likelihood those boundaries will change as AD stays clean.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Actually, the sisters did know that she had had issues with various substances during her early and later teenage years. Although the AD wanted to keep her issues a secret from her sisters, they knew 3 years ago that she had attended rehab when she was 16, they knew that she used marijuana, knew that it was likely that she was using something more serious as both mentioned her weight loss and made the drug-use correlation. They knew that she had been associated with someone who was active in selling drugs. During all of this knowledge, both sisters came over and brought their kids to my home. They even invited her to their homes for dinner. After rehab in December, if she wanted to come visit she was invited into their homes. I don't understand why now that she is living in my home for the next 12 weeks before college, they now have a "hands-off" policy.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Hi Marlie,
Hugs to you - Happy Mother's Day! -- I have a similar but different thing going on at my home. My daughter is the addict and is still using. Rehabs, etc. -- Her older brother is very angry toward her now. He was very understanding and helpful and a great big brother, but he has been used and abused. -- So -- He will text message his sister, but will not talk to her, because she is still using and all the problems that go along with that and, he hates the fact that I have been used and abused as well. He feels protective of me -- as your older daughters do as well. We have worked it out that
he is taking me out for brunch and AD is making something and bringing it to my house for a dinner (if she shows up)! I understand how my son feels, yet, I cannot turn my back on my daughter, so I have made the compromise and -- hopefully you and your family can compromise and come up with a plan that works for everyone..
Best Wishes and I do understand, and hopefully you can work it out
Hugs to you - Happy Mother's Day! -- I have a similar but different thing going on at my home. My daughter is the addict and is still using. Rehabs, etc. -- Her older brother is very angry toward her now. He was very understanding and helpful and a great big brother, but he has been used and abused. -- So -- He will text message his sister, but will not talk to her, because she is still using and all the problems that go along with that and, he hates the fact that I have been used and abused as well. He feels protective of me -- as your older daughters do as well. We have worked it out that
he is taking me out for brunch and AD is making something and bringing it to my house for a dinner (if she shows up)! I understand how my son feels, yet, I cannot turn my back on my daughter, so I have made the compromise and -- hopefully you and your family can compromise and come up with a plan that works for everyone..
Best Wishes and I do understand, and hopefully you can work it out
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It is the inconsistency that troubles me. I would understand if when they discovered that she had or was using drugs to distance themselves but they didn't. The other thing of interest is that after rehab my AD requested that she go to an SLE. She felt that her recovery would progress well there. When my daughters discovered she was in an SLE they both commented, "well she got what she wanted, she is living on her own" at my expense (not actually true as when the AD was employed within a week of moving into the SLE, she paid for her room and board). So, at first the sisters see the AD in an SLE as the AD having fun living in a big city. Now that she is home, they sisters are crtical of that now saying that she should be in the SLE. It appears as if the AD can do nothing in the eyes of her sisters that will be preceived as good.
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When there is an addict in the family, it's all about the addict. Even though you may not have wanted it to be so, it was. That's the reality. And even though you may not have intended it, my guess is that you have not been emotionally present for your other daughters. They may not consciously think this.....but the addict child is always the center of everything, overtly or covertly.
So now the center of attention is back home with mom. Getting lots of support and lots of attention AGAIN (for different reasons now).
The sisters must be so TIRED of her. And maybe of you, too, wrapped up in her.
Addiction eats away at a family and much stuff gets buried.
Concentrate on your life, go to Al-Anon every week, and work on becoming whole. Everyone is a grown-up and everyone will decide her path.
I'm glad your daughter is clean. But the addiction is still in the family, so do keep getting well.
Blessings.
So now the center of attention is back home with mom. Getting lots of support and lots of attention AGAIN (for different reasons now).
The sisters must be so TIRED of her. And maybe of you, too, wrapped up in her.
Addiction eats away at a family and much stuff gets buried.
Concentrate on your life, go to Al-Anon every week, and work on becoming whole. Everyone is a grown-up and everyone will decide her path.
I'm glad your daughter is clean. But the addiction is still in the family, so do keep getting well.
Blessings.
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Location: Marietta, GA
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I agree with bluejay. My daughter feels like its always about AS. Things are always centered around him - she even feels resentful if i go visit him and doesnt want him home because she just cant take the drama and selfishness - when he is around she feels invisible. She loves him and she'll forgive him in time for stealing a part of her childhood but for right now i have to just respect her feelings. There is also the reality that your girls may just basically not trust her - dont want their kids around her and have hit their bottom with her.
As for your feelings - any mom would feel sad if their child said they wont come to their home and you probably feel that you have to now choose between your children. That may seem unfair but it does happen -please remember that its the addict that forced this and not your other daughters. I do wonder if they have some mistrust now for both of you since they were kept in the dark for so long. i can only imagine how my family would have felt if they found out so late in the game.
Are they still welcoming of you in their home? if so, just be the bigger person, respect their decisions and visit them for a while.
As for your feelings - any mom would feel sad if their child said they wont come to their home and you probably feel that you have to now choose between your children. That may seem unfair but it does happen -please remember that its the addict that forced this and not your other daughters. I do wonder if they have some mistrust now for both of you since they were kept in the dark for so long. i can only imagine how my family would have felt if they found out so late in the game.
Are they still welcoming of you in their home? if so, just be the bigger person, respect their decisions and visit them for a while.
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Location: The State of Possibilities
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Hi Marlie,
From the experience I had with my AD, her sister found it easier to deal with her when she was in active behavior and was in the "dog-house". It was easier to blame her, to be mad at her, to have an excuse to be the one who "mom" could depend on. It wasn't conscious but it was human nature.
When trust is trashed and a person acts contrary to "normal" behavior, those around them tend to react with denial but once that is done and over with, then anger and resentment comes in to play and it's so easy to feel that way when the person is behaving poorly and deserves it. Once that person starts to recover, then the resentment and anger, which is still there, by the way, it a lot harder to deal with. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid or ignore that person and not deal with the recovery.
That is a very hard time for the addict and the codependent, YOU. You need to focus on you and not allow any of them to dictate your life; and your AD needs to concentrate on her recovery. The rest will take care of itself and although I know it hurts, (I felt it too!) YOU cannot do anything about how they feel. They are adults and must make the decision about their sister on their own.
Don't allow their behavior to control you. Keep a focus on what the true picture is. and don't allow Mother's day to be a sad day. So, if they don't come around, it's not because of you or to hurt you; keep that in mind. There will be other mother's days - I have found that helps a lot and I find not dwelling on things to cause a pity party much better.
It's not easy; I know. But look ahead and remember that things will change. Nothing stays the same.
Hang in there!
Many hugs!
From the experience I had with my AD, her sister found it easier to deal with her when she was in active behavior and was in the "dog-house". It was easier to blame her, to be mad at her, to have an excuse to be the one who "mom" could depend on. It wasn't conscious but it was human nature.
When trust is trashed and a person acts contrary to "normal" behavior, those around them tend to react with denial but once that is done and over with, then anger and resentment comes in to play and it's so easy to feel that way when the person is behaving poorly and deserves it. Once that person starts to recover, then the resentment and anger, which is still there, by the way, it a lot harder to deal with. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid or ignore that person and not deal with the recovery.
That is a very hard time for the addict and the codependent, YOU. You need to focus on you and not allow any of them to dictate your life; and your AD needs to concentrate on her recovery. The rest will take care of itself and although I know it hurts, (I felt it too!) YOU cannot do anything about how they feel. They are adults and must make the decision about their sister on their own.
Don't allow their behavior to control you. Keep a focus on what the true picture is. and don't allow Mother's day to be a sad day. So, if they don't come around, it's not because of you or to hurt you; keep that in mind. There will be other mother's days - I have found that helps a lot and I find not dwelling on things to cause a pity party much better.
It's not easy; I know. But look ahead and remember that things will change. Nothing stays the same.
Hang in there!
Many hugs!
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