Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
I realize now just how much anxiety living with my alcoholic/addict husband caused and though I told him to leave I still find myself feeling anxious.
Example: If I have to drive any where that I am not familiar with I get anxious at the thought that I might getting lost (and I haven't even left yet). I get anxious over something happening to my kids while I am gone. If I can't get through to home I panic and think the worst. I always have this impending doom leering over my head.
I am anxious over everything. It is like I have been trained to feel that way.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a miserable way to live.
I am hoping now that I have come to this realization that maybe my anxiety issues will begin to heal.
I so look forward to the day when everything is "normal" and I can relax and enjoy life instead of fearing through it.
I thought once I got him out of the house everything would be okay, but I am now realizing on a deeper level the damage that has been done.
I find myself afraid to relax. I feel I always have to be on guard and ready minded for the bomb to go off. I know it is from being with him.
We've lived with his landmines, booby traps, trip wires and catch 22's for years now. Every time I thought it was safe he proved me wrong. He would go off, blow up, explode about some thing or another. The was always discord. He was always causing uproar even when things rightfully should have been happy times .. his anger, gripes and complaints were ever present.
Man am I glad he is gone!!!
I guess I just need to be gentle, patient and kind to myself and bring my broken-ness before God and ask for healing.
Funny, I already feel a peace coming on
Thanks for listening
:ghug
Passion
Example: If I have to drive any where that I am not familiar with I get anxious at the thought that I might getting lost (and I haven't even left yet). I get anxious over something happening to my kids while I am gone. If I can't get through to home I panic and think the worst. I always have this impending doom leering over my head.
I am anxious over everything. It is like I have been trained to feel that way.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a miserable way to live.
I am hoping now that I have come to this realization that maybe my anxiety issues will begin to heal.
I so look forward to the day when everything is "normal" and I can relax and enjoy life instead of fearing through it.
I thought once I got him out of the house everything would be okay, but I am now realizing on a deeper level the damage that has been done.
I find myself afraid to relax. I feel I always have to be on guard and ready minded for the bomb to go off. I know it is from being with him.
We've lived with his landmines, booby traps, trip wires and catch 22's for years now. Every time I thought it was safe he proved me wrong. He would go off, blow up, explode about some thing or another. The was always discord. He was always causing uproar even when things rightfully should have been happy times .. his anger, gripes and complaints were ever present.
Man am I glad he is gone!!!
I guess I just need to be gentle, patient and kind to myself and bring my broken-ness before God and ask for healing.
Funny, I already feel a peace coming on
Thanks for listening
:ghug
Passion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can really identify with what you are saying! When I got out of treatment and let my EXAH, all the chaos, anger, hatred was gone. I had terrible anxiety the first couple of years in my recovery. When you were talking about the fear of getting lost when driving somewhere, I remembered the times I would drive to Wichita for groceries. I had anxiety so bad one day that I didn't even get halfway there, and I turned around and came home for fear of getting lost!
I started shaving it down to 5 minutes at a time. It was the only way I could cope with the overwhelming anxiety!
:ghug :ghug :ghug
I started shaving it down to 5 minutes at a time. It was the only way I could cope with the overwhelming anxiety!
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Awww (((((Nytepassion)))))
I do believe as you life settles a bit more with him gone, some of this anxiety may leave. As to your anxiety of 'getting lost' .................... not everyone has a 'good sense of direction' and thus the WONDERFUL GPS was invented. You might want to look into getting one for your vehicle, they are easy to use, and will give you pretty good directions that are easy to follow. It that relieves your anxiety about driving to somewhere strange, then some of the other anxieties may also start to abate.
I do believe, however, as time goes on and your serenity and peacefulness becme more and more each day that you anxieties will abate.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
I do believe as you life settles a bit more with him gone, some of this anxiety may leave. As to your anxiety of 'getting lost' .................... not everyone has a 'good sense of direction' and thus the WONDERFUL GPS was invented. You might want to look into getting one for your vehicle, they are easy to use, and will give you pretty good directions that are easy to follow. It that relieves your anxiety about driving to somewhere strange, then some of the other anxieties may also start to abate.
I do believe, however, as time goes on and your serenity and peacefulness becme more and more each day that you anxieties will abate.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 52
I think we experience post-traumatic stress syndrome. All that stuff we bottled up starts to come out a little at a time - when we're ready to handle it. I still have minor panic attacks periodically but they're lessening with time. I'm getting better at my self-talk during those periods...reminding myself to breathe, focusing on the present and remembering that it's a completely different situation with completely different people.
It's funny how perfectly normal things that occur every day in every relationship can freak you out! Something as simple as the first time my partner left me at home to go to the store really set me for a loop. But the wild thing was - he came home in a reasonable amount of time...with groceries!!! Wow I remember so many nights in my marriage of anxiety and stress over something so simple.
It's been awhile since my XAH left and things are so much better than they used to be. You're right about being gentle and kind with yourself. Healing takes time.
It's funny how perfectly normal things that occur every day in every relationship can freak you out! Something as simple as the first time my partner left me at home to go to the store really set me for a loop. But the wild thing was - he came home in a reasonable amount of time...with groceries!!! Wow I remember so many nights in my marriage of anxiety and stress over something so simple.
It's been awhile since my XAH left and things are so much better than they used to be. You're right about being gentle and kind with yourself. Healing takes time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I've been going through serious anxiety issues too. i finally went to the doc a few weeks ago and got something to help - dont worry everyone its not addictive or mind-altering, more like an anti-depressant. I really cant tell i'm on it except that i dont have panic attacks and i find that little things dont throw me into a panic anymore. The getting lost or being late things used to drive me into a total panic and now i just go with the flow a bit more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi nyte,
I am glad he's gone, too.
It sure takes our bodies a while to catch up with our minds. A couple of decades ago my then AH hit me (only once, I moved OUT right away after that) ..... but I had tachycardia (racing heart) that would come over me out of the blue...for many months.... and had to take medication. And later my little boy's doctor said my child was suffering from "chronic anxiety", and we had been away from the A for a year.
The stress also came out in a strange way years later, after a traumatic break-up. I went to a local buffet to eat, and when I got there, they had run out of food, were cleaning up, all the other diners fed and gone.
I went out to my car and BAWLED!!! I thought, "WHAT is wrong with me that something like this tipped me over the edge???" I mean, there were restaurants everywhere!
I was later diagnosed with moderate depression and went on Lexapro and finally really did feel much better.
Our bodies betray what we are trying to handle. It sounds like your fear is deeply rooted.
You will trust life again. You will trust your days and nights again, and the good life God has offered you, full of abundant blessing. Your body just needs some time to catch up to what you know in your heart to be true: that you are in God's protection and care, and that better--much much better--days are to come.
I am glad he's gone, too.
It sure takes our bodies a while to catch up with our minds. A couple of decades ago my then AH hit me (only once, I moved OUT right away after that) ..... but I had tachycardia (racing heart) that would come over me out of the blue...for many months.... and had to take medication. And later my little boy's doctor said my child was suffering from "chronic anxiety", and we had been away from the A for a year.
The stress also came out in a strange way years later, after a traumatic break-up. I went to a local buffet to eat, and when I got there, they had run out of food, were cleaning up, all the other diners fed and gone.
I went out to my car and BAWLED!!! I thought, "WHAT is wrong with me that something like this tipped me over the edge???" I mean, there were restaurants everywhere!
I was later diagnosed with moderate depression and went on Lexapro and finally really did feel much better.
Our bodies betray what we are trying to handle. It sounds like your fear is deeply rooted.
You will trust life again. You will trust your days and nights again, and the good life God has offered you, full of abundant blessing. Your body just needs some time to catch up to what you know in your heart to be true: that you are in God's protection and care, and that better--much much better--days are to come.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Nyte,
I know your feelings well. Anxiety is a tough one to beat, but it will get better. I used to have to leave the grocery store line because of anxiety, it's an awful feeling. I agree to be good to yourself...and on that note, try being very careful with stuff like caffeine. Too much coffee or Mt Dew always kicks in my anxiety. Also things that are really processed...like cold cuts, etc. Right now your body doesn't need any nasty chemicals!!!
Good luck, Nyte, hang in there girl, you can do this!!!
I know your feelings well. Anxiety is a tough one to beat, but it will get better. I used to have to leave the grocery store line because of anxiety, it's an awful feeling. I agree to be good to yourself...and on that note, try being very careful with stuff like caffeine. Too much coffee or Mt Dew always kicks in my anxiety. Also things that are really processed...like cold cuts, etc. Right now your body doesn't need any nasty chemicals!!!
Good luck, Nyte, hang in there girl, you can do this!!!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I am feeling some anxiety too. I am not afraid to go out or anything.I think the source of my anxiety is what will happen when he gets out of jail. Will I be strong enough to tell him to get his stuff and leave? I hope so. I worry that he will come up with some scheme designed to take me down.
Right now I feel safe and like everything will be okay.
He has this haughty mean spirit over him so much of the time. He is not prone to taking responsibility for his stuff. I am sure he wants me to feel guilty that he is in jail.
Right now I feel safe and like everything will be okay.
He has this haughty mean spirit over him so much of the time. He is not prone to taking responsibility for his stuff. I am sure he wants me to feel guilty that he is in jail.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
It is a terrible feeling I know...always having that wall up and boy can I relate to some of your fears. I was taking my first vacation in years last November for a week. I found it hard to allow myself to get excited about it for the fear that something is going to happen to not allow me to go. Then to worry that I am going to worry about back home if I do go. Even the phone ringing in the day would cause me to gasp for breath, now what! Living life never to get to excited or hopefull, just living with a constant guard up. I think what we have learned to do is to protect ourselves, always trying to keep ontop of every aspect of our lives so there is no great surprises. Really not a great way to live life.
What I can say though is, as time has gone by and my exah not around or any contact, these fears have slowly gone away. After several times of going out and coming back home to see that kids are all fine, after many messages on my answering machine are no longer bad ect. I am starting to be more relaxed.
Plus the whole experience with the addiction has really made me become stronger emotionaly. At one point in my life should the principal had called me in to talk about how my son had been bad at school or had skipped out I would have become really upset. Now I dont get that way, I just say thank-you for letting me know and I will deal with it, they kind of look at me in a way as I don't really care, expecting a reaction. I felt like saying my husband did 5 armed robberies so I am not going to get all crazy about my son skipping out! I just that is what they mean my " Don't sweat the small stuff"
I does get better Nyte!
Rose
But as time has gone by without the addict in my life
What I can say though is, as time has gone by and my exah not around or any contact, these fears have slowly gone away. After several times of going out and coming back home to see that kids are all fine, after many messages on my answering machine are no longer bad ect. I am starting to be more relaxed.
Plus the whole experience with the addiction has really made me become stronger emotionaly. At one point in my life should the principal had called me in to talk about how my son had been bad at school or had skipped out I would have become really upset. Now I dont get that way, I just say thank-you for letting me know and I will deal with it, they kind of look at me in a way as I don't really care, expecting a reaction. I felt like saying my husband did 5 armed robberies so I am not going to get all crazy about my son skipping out! I just that is what they mean my " Don't sweat the small stuff"
I does get better Nyte!
Rose
But as time has gone by without the addict in my life
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Hey girl,
This too will pass.
As with your first days clean, this is a journey for you, don't look thru the tunnel, look @ the sky. You know the best is yet to come. i have so much faith in you. Take a deep breath, try to plan your trips, and remember you HP is with you every step of the way. and so are we.....:ghug
This too will pass.
As with your first days clean, this is a journey for you, don't look thru the tunnel, look @ the sky. You know the best is yet to come. i have so much faith in you. Take a deep breath, try to plan your trips, and remember you HP is with you every step of the way. and so are we.....:ghug
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Hi nyte
Many of us can empathize with you on this one.
Do you meditate or practise yoga? After leaving abf but still suffering with anxiety (it comes out of nowhere with me), I started yoga. It has been a great help. I'm not keen on taking anxiolytics.
I pray for peace for you
Hugs
Many of us can empathize with you on this one.
Do you meditate or practise yoga? After leaving abf but still suffering with anxiety (it comes out of nowhere with me), I started yoga. It has been a great help. I'm not keen on taking anxiolytics.
I pray for peace for you
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Remember how jumpy I was when AH left? I eventually settled into a routine that included peace and I quit looking over my shoulder. It's conditioning, just like Pavlov's dogs. We can condition ourselves to relax and realize that life does not have to be about heading off the next diaster or preparing our minds and souls for the next conflict.
You will get there my friend. I'm hoping you had a fantastic Mother's Day because you are a fantastic mother!!
You will get there my friend. I'm hoping you had a fantastic Mother's Day because you are a fantastic mother!!
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