rayray12

Hello everyone this is my first so be kind. I have a 20 yr old son who is addicited to pills. He has asked for help and we sent him to a rehab for 3 months. We encountered the ups and downs of rehab and now he is home. Has been home for 10 days now. His behavior has been ok but yesterday he seem a little different I suspected he was on something but wasn't sure. The worst part of all this I know what we as a family have to do. If he doesn't stay clean we will ask him to leave and to stay away until he has a job and shows us he is clean. I also know we shouldn't blame ourselfs for his choices in life and that he has to live his life the way he chooses to. But don't you other parents just feel that you have failed!! We are a middle class family spent time together with sports and other activities, talked about drugs and sex. We did everything the way the experts tell us parents to do and still he chooses the drugs. I know I have to but just can't understand why we have to let go!! I feel that I know what to do and will but still don't want to. Thanks for listening

rayray12

Letting go so he can grow up how is that showing we still believe in him. Even when our other kids move out we help them when in need don't we.That is what I am having trouble with if we make them leave until they are clean how is that letting them know we believe in them. We do we care for them if they are not allow back until clean. What if they ask for our help to get clean. When is the time for us to help them again is that not enabling? So when do we help again.

MyJoey

First welcome and a huge hug from one parent going through the same thing to another. This is he$$, it hurts so much, I understand. Like you, we did everything for our son, loved him more then life itself. The reason you have to let go is, if you don't he will not change. The only way an addict will truly want to get and stay clean is when they hit the bottom. The quickest way for them to hit the bottom is to get out of the way and let them fall, the more you help by letting him stay home, feeding him and more or less supporting him the longer it will take. I take it you have paid for his rehab, you have done your job and given him a chance to prove himself. Next time he needs to find his own way, there are many places out there that will help him if he really wants clean he will find a way. Don't drain your bank because he don't care how much you spend, it is up to him next time. Making him leave will be the hardest thing you have ever done, there are many parents on this board going through the same pain they will help you get through it. Find meetings in your area, it is going to be a life line of support for you and your family because it will be hard to stay strong. ((((Hugs)))) Julie

winnie12

At first i felt guilt but the more i found out about what my son was doing I really let go of that. plenty of people have much worse situations in their lives and dont turn to drugs but someone with an addictive nature will. Learning about addiction really helps you to let go of that.

You ask why do you have to let go, well that a decision that only you can make. For me, until i let go my son didnt even truly acknowledge the problems and my own life was turning into complete chaos. The addict typically is going to have to want to change and sometimes that means they have to loose things in their lives. The thing is you dont stop loving them and it doesnt always have to mean no contact but at some point they have to live with their consequences on their own or they just wont learn the lesson. Remember, we learn more from the hard times then the good times - if you cover up the bad times and try to make them easier then you may be stopping him from learning something he needs to learn. You cant "help" him be clean - only he can do that - as soon as you accept that basic fact you'll find all of it much easier.

Biggest thing i would say is that whatever boundaries you set on drugs in your home you stick with - if you waiver at all it you will be enabling him. So if you dont intend to throw him out if he uses then dont say so. Figure out what you can live with and what you can take and then set the boundaries by that. If he breaks those boundaries their have to be consequences - its the only way you can help him and keep your own sanity.

dorton

We have let go in the past We have not enabled him in anyway since the problem has come about. We have done what is suppose to be the correct things to do. he was on the streets for two weeks living in a mission and we refused to help him. He would keep in contact and he decide to do what it took to come home. We stuck to our guns once and he saw that. i guess that wasn't rock bottom for him.(That is my biggest fear) This mission was in a much larger town then were we are from and I am sure he saw things there he has never seen before. Like my post says knowing what to do. We know what we have to do but but it still makes you feel like you failed. No one has all the answers I just hope someone does! I still like to know when he leaves this time at what point should we help again? What if he calls begging for help and says he will stop. Do we let him back until he messes up again? When does this cycle stop? Or do we tell him this time to stay away until he has cleaned up and is staying clean?

just for today

As another Mom that knows exactly what you are feeling I send you my prayers. It is different for each of us, the famous or infamous line of do what you can live with can have many meanings. We have to learn that what we feel we can live with is not always what is best for all concerned. I don't have any right answers and only you can decide. I can say for me I had to let go not only to give my son a chance but to save my sanity and the relationships with my other family.

Saying no is a hard thing for a parent to do even when we in our mind know that we should. For me I finally after many years had to take the hard line and it took a while for my AS to realize what I would or would not allow. Is he still using, I am sure he is but he does not call and ask for anything or contact me in any way when he is drinking/drugging. I do hear from him occasional and I always tell him I love him, whether he believes it or not is unknown. Addicts seem to equate love with getting what they want and only in recovery will they understand.

I don't know if my son will ever seek recovery, I just know I could no longer have a front row seat to his bad choices. These are our choices, let them go to live the life they choose or spend the rest of our lives cleaning up their messes or walking on eggshells waiting, waiting, waiting and losing ourselves to their addiction too.

It is a heartbreaking decision and I wish you the best as you make yours.:sorry for you pain.