I need a Reality Check
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I need a Reality Check
So i saw my son on saturday and talked to him last night- it was a good visit but of course i got the typical "its not fair" crap. His big thing now is that he "says" he wants to change but cant change in jail or in the YDC rehab they are wanting to send him to. Obviously what he really wants is to just come home and he's putting the pressure on me really hard.
I got the papers yesterday that they are having a hearing to revoke his probation which most likely means they are going to commit him to the state. Now what happens with the state will depend on him, me and the courts. He claims that his counselor at YDC says he doesnt score high enough on their tests to need rehab - okay not falling for that completely but the kid is good at convincing people that he really doesnt have a problem. Its pretty obvious that now he believes that the one key to getting to come home is my agreement with it. What i've told him so far is that i dont know - I've heard all of this before and dont see what it is that's so different this time from all the others. I've explained that i have to leave it up to the professionals becuase i have no idea what is going to help him but one thing i do know is that he cannot come home unless he has some sort of recovery - either rehab or something. That's the only thing i'm adament about. He cant just come home like nothing ever happened because we'll just be continuing this and i cant live this way anymore.
Its really hard because i do have a fear that a year in one of these facilities is just going to make him even more institutionalized but then again i dont think he can handle freedom so i'm very torn. I wish at this point that they could just do their job and leave me out of the decision. If i dont go with what he wants then yet again he's just going to use me as an excuse for why he is locked up instead of realizing that its by his own actions.
The impression i get is if i take the role of the recovery and support that they may let him out but i know i'm not qualified or capable of that and so i dont want to take on a role that i already know i cant handle. if they court order the support then its going to be much easier on me and might even allow me to stay out of the blame role.
I got the papers yesterday that they are having a hearing to revoke his probation which most likely means they are going to commit him to the state. Now what happens with the state will depend on him, me and the courts. He claims that his counselor at YDC says he doesnt score high enough on their tests to need rehab - okay not falling for that completely but the kid is good at convincing people that he really doesnt have a problem. Its pretty obvious that now he believes that the one key to getting to come home is my agreement with it. What i've told him so far is that i dont know - I've heard all of this before and dont see what it is that's so different this time from all the others. I've explained that i have to leave it up to the professionals becuase i have no idea what is going to help him but one thing i do know is that he cannot come home unless he has some sort of recovery - either rehab or something. That's the only thing i'm adament about. He cant just come home like nothing ever happened because we'll just be continuing this and i cant live this way anymore.
Its really hard because i do have a fear that a year in one of these facilities is just going to make him even more institutionalized but then again i dont think he can handle freedom so i'm very torn. I wish at this point that they could just do their job and leave me out of the decision. If i dont go with what he wants then yet again he's just going to use me as an excuse for why he is locked up instead of realizing that its by his own actions.
The impression i get is if i take the role of the recovery and support that they may let him out but i know i'm not qualified or capable of that and so i dont want to take on a role that i already know i cant handle. if they court order the support then its going to be much easier on me and might even allow me to stay out of the blame role.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry to hear that your son is pressuring you for what HE wants, Winnie! I guess my question is....what to YOU want? What do YOU think will ultimately be the best situation for your son?
He tells you many things that other people "allegedly" say, but I would take it with a huge grain of salt (i.e. the YDC counselor). Regardless of how convincing he is, his record tells a different story now. If he comes home, don't you think he is likely to get into justs a much trouble again? If he commits other crimes as he gets older in order to support his DOC use, it's going to mean more and more time in real prison!
Maybe, just maybe, some time in a correctional facility now will wake him up to the consequences of the real world and how much worse it could be if he continues down this path.
My heart breaks for this path you have to walk, Winnie! Sending huge hugs and many prayers for you, DD, and AS! HG
He tells you many things that other people "allegedly" say, but I would take it with a huge grain of salt (i.e. the YDC counselor). Regardless of how convincing he is, his record tells a different story now. If he comes home, don't you think he is likely to get into justs a much trouble again? If he commits other crimes as he gets older in order to support his DOC use, it's going to mean more and more time in real prison!
Maybe, just maybe, some time in a correctional facility now will wake him up to the consequences of the real world and how much worse it could be if he continues down this path.
My heart breaks for this path you have to walk, Winnie! Sending huge hugs and many prayers for you, DD, and AS! HG
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((winnie)))))
If you know you are not qualified to be in the role he is hoping you will take on just be up front about it. Say no. Let yourself off the hook with him.
It is good to let them take responsibility for them self. The more they are allowed to do it the sooner they will learn from their mistakes.
Keep the focus on yourself and be gentle with yourself too.
If you know you are not qualified to be in the role he is hoping you will take on just be up front about it. Say no. Let yourself off the hook with him.
It is good to let them take responsibility for them self. The more they are allowed to do it the sooner they will learn from their mistakes.
Keep the focus on yourself and be gentle with yourself too.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Winnie)) - I know you're worried about him becoming "institutionalized". However, remember what he said about running this last time...it was because he had the freedom to do it, plain and simple. Think about how "on edge" you and dd were when he was home on house arrest.
I know you love him, but this really can't be about what he wants because what he wants (to be home) will literally suck the life out of you and dd, right now. Maybe let go of the fear of him becoming institutionalized? That's not something you can control, anyway. He's the one making the decisions to keep getting locked up, then he runs.
Stick with what is happening, and needs to happen today. What does Winnie need today? Yes, he's your child and you are responsible for him, but IMHO, you've tried the "at home" stuff, he doesn't take it seriously, so that's not an option today.
Lots and lots of love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know you love him, but this really can't be about what he wants because what he wants (to be home) will literally suck the life out of you and dd, right now. Maybe let go of the fear of him becoming institutionalized? That's not something you can control, anyway. He's the one making the decisions to keep getting locked up, then he runs.
Stick with what is happening, and needs to happen today. What does Winnie need today? Yes, he's your child and you are responsible for him, but IMHO, you've tried the "at home" stuff, he doesn't take it seriously, so that's not an option today.
Lots and lots of love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
You can't cushion him at the sake of yourself. Let go Winnie. I know it is hard and I know it is painful, but you didn't put him in this position.
Right now he is trying to impose HIS Will and if you let him .. he will.
I remember there were many times when I was active in my addiction that I didn't think I could get clean in certain situations.. I wanted to be the conductor of everything. "If I could just live here or there then I could get clean", but in reality all I did was buy myself more using time. I created my own little environment and world where I could continue to be me without having to work on me.
He knows you love him .. he knows if he puts the pressure on that more then likely you will give in. He knows all the buttons to push and right now he is looking for the one that will open up your home to him so that he doesn't have to work on himself.
And if it is not what you want .. Just say NO
I read your words above and I can read that you are carrying the all the weight on your shoulders. You are not the one that should be feeling all the heat of his choices right now. HE IS... and if you give into him now .. you won't be helping him or yourself. You'll be rescuing his addiction. You won't be helping him in the way that he truly needs help.
There it is in bold .. in a nutshell there is the truth. There is what matters. The fact that you don't want to, but for some reason the struggle is in the blame game. You are going to get blamed.
Winnie I am sure it is not the first time you have been blamed by him and surely it won't be the last. He will keep blaming until he takes responsibility for his own actions and the very fact that he has not speaks multitudes. It is not that he can't change in jail or in the YDC rehab it is that he doesn't want to be there .. plain and simple. He wants to orchestrate things to best suit what he wants and right there that says it all.
I can only hope and pray for your sake that you stand your ground. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or into anything that you don't want to deal with. Let him blame who he wants to blame. You know the truth.
Consequences .. that is what he is facing now. Let him be a man and face them. If he can squirm out he will. Don't be the open door to rescuing him .. because you won't be helping your son .. you will be rescuing his addiction.
Just say and if he won't stop pressuring you then you may need to take a step back and not talk to him until they figure out what they are going to do with him.
Easier said then done I know.. but your sanity and peace are on the line here. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first. Sounds like this is one of those times.
Your in my thoughts and prayers
Hugs,
Passion
Right now he is trying to impose HIS Will and if you let him .. he will.
I remember there were many times when I was active in my addiction that I didn't think I could get clean in certain situations.. I wanted to be the conductor of everything. "If I could just live here or there then I could get clean", but in reality all I did was buy myself more using time. I created my own little environment and world where I could continue to be me without having to work on me.
He knows you love him .. he knows if he puts the pressure on that more then likely you will give in. He knows all the buttons to push and right now he is looking for the one that will open up your home to him so that he doesn't have to work on himself.
And if it is not what you want .. Just say NO
Its really hard because i do have a fear that a year in one of these facilities is just going to make him even more institutionalized but then again i dont think he can handle freedom so i'm very torn. I wish at this point that they could just do their job and leave me out of the decision. If i dont go with what he wants then yet again he's just going to use me as an excuse for why he is locked up instead of realizing that its by his own actions.
The impression i get is if i take the role of the recovery and support that they may let him out but i know i'm not qualified or capable of that and so i dont want to take on a role that i already know i cant handle. if they court order the support then its going to be much easier on me and might even allow me to stay out of the blame role.
Winnie I am sure it is not the first time you have been blamed by him and surely it won't be the last. He will keep blaming until he takes responsibility for his own actions and the very fact that he has not speaks multitudes. It is not that he can't change in jail or in the YDC rehab it is that he doesn't want to be there .. plain and simple. He wants to orchestrate things to best suit what he wants and right there that says it all.
I can only hope and pray for your sake that you stand your ground. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or into anything that you don't want to deal with. Let him blame who he wants to blame. You know the truth.
Consequences .. that is what he is facing now. Let him be a man and face them. If he can squirm out he will. Don't be the open door to rescuing him .. because you won't be helping your son .. you will be rescuing his addiction.
Just say and if he won't stop pressuring you then you may need to take a step back and not talk to him until they figure out what they are going to do with him.
Easier said then done I know.. but your sanity and peace are on the line here. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first. Sounds like this is one of those times.
Your in my thoughts and prayers
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like he's still running with the fantasy of a life without consequence.
His choices, not you, put him where he is at, right now.
If his choices do not have consequences, where will he be at 18, when his choices become convicted felonies?
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this. He has to grow up on his own. That is his right of passage. Give him the dignity to comprehend, there are no get out of jail free cards, in life. His choices have consequences.
His choices, not you, put him where he is at, right now.
If his choices do not have consequences, where will he be at 18, when his choices become convicted felonies?
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this. He has to grow up on his own. That is his right of passage. Give him the dignity to comprehend, there are no get out of jail free cards, in life. His choices have consequences.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
One of the hardest things I have done is not answer the phone when my son called but I think that showed him that I wasn't going to play his games. Maybe the best thing for all of you right now is no contact what so ever with him. You know he is safe, has food to eat, a bed to sleep in and is not using so you shouldn't need to reassure yourself of those things. You can't stop him from blaming you but you don't have to talk to him so that you hear him doing it either. I pray that you will find peace and he will find the better path in life. You are a great mom don't ever forget that!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Where is your relationship with your higher power today, Winnie?
When I don't have that conscious contact with God in my life, my thinking isn't the best. I project into the future, take on other people's crap, and am generally miserable.
My 31 year old AD still blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. You know what? I couldn't care less. Once I worked through my own issues with guilt of my past, I could let go.
I'm not sensing you letting go of any of this right now and having faith that your higher power is at work, for you and your son.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
When I don't have that conscious contact with God in my life, my thinking isn't the best. I project into the future, take on other people's crap, and am generally miserable.
My 31 year old AD still blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. You know what? I couldn't care less. Once I worked through my own issues with guilt of my past, I could let go.
I'm not sensing you letting go of any of this right now and having faith that your higher power is at work, for you and your son.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I know how hard this is - I remember these days oh so well.
I really went through a grief period - of grieving for "what could have been", "what I wanted for my sons" - and the anger that goes with it - and the depression and tears - and bargaining - and all of the steps until acceptance. And it was not a straight path.
One thing I learned in Alanon is that I don't need to create a crisis nor prevent one. To just let nature take its course.
Easier said then done - but very necessary in my case. And I had teenagers - 14 and 15. I know that my very best thinking is usually wrong when it comes to my sons. My love (enabling) just about killed them. My Alanon sponsor and my group just loved me and guided me and listened to me - and I got through it. And so will you.
Thinking of you often. I know you'll make the right choices. Sometimes doing nothing is a decision.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I really went through a grief period - of grieving for "what could have been", "what I wanted for my sons" - and the anger that goes with it - and the depression and tears - and bargaining - and all of the steps until acceptance. And it was not a straight path.
One thing I learned in Alanon is that I don't need to create a crisis nor prevent one. To just let nature take its course.
Easier said then done - but very necessary in my case. And I had teenagers - 14 and 15. I know that my very best thinking is usually wrong when it comes to my sons. My love (enabling) just about killed them. My Alanon sponsor and my group just loved me and guided me and listened to me - and I got through it. And so will you.
Thinking of you often. I know you'll make the right choices. Sometimes doing nothing is a decision.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Reading all of your words helps so much. As a few of you reminded me I dont know what to do and when you dont know what to do its sometimes best to do nothing at all. I've been clear about that with him. I guess he'll either accept that or not and i can try to talk to them before hand so that they dont pressure me too much to give an opinion - some of the professionals do understand the addict manipulation.
Freedom - your statement about HP hit me pretty hard. This last week was kind of weird for me personally (nothing to do with AS) just me and i think i may have pushed HP to the back of my mind. I had three guys ask me out this weekend and ran across a really nice old friend online who wants to give me a call so some of the decisions i have made personally to be alone right now are being tested and i'm a bit dissettled by all of it. no attention from a man in years and now i've got an overload - which is messin with my mind. but i have to say there is a part of it that is reminding me that i could have a life of my own again and think about myself - been a really long time since i've not put AS and DD before everything. Selfishly i know that if my son comes home then my life will be put on hold again - even though i do truly want him to end up where HP determines is best for him - there's still that thought that i would like to find myself again and not be front row to all the drama.
I really think i need to let the professionals help my son and figure out my own life choices that are presenting themselves - i need to get back to HP to figure out what to do now.
Freedom - your statement about HP hit me pretty hard. This last week was kind of weird for me personally (nothing to do with AS) just me and i think i may have pushed HP to the back of my mind. I had three guys ask me out this weekend and ran across a really nice old friend online who wants to give me a call so some of the decisions i have made personally to be alone right now are being tested and i'm a bit dissettled by all of it. no attention from a man in years and now i've got an overload - which is messin with my mind. but i have to say there is a part of it that is reminding me that i could have a life of my own again and think about myself - been a really long time since i've not put AS and DD before everything. Selfishly i know that if my son comes home then my life will be put on hold again - even though i do truly want him to end up where HP determines is best for him - there's still that thought that i would like to find myself again and not be front row to all the drama.
I really think i need to let the professionals help my son and figure out my own life choices that are presenting themselves - i need to get back to HP to figure out what to do now.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by winnie12 
I really think i need to let the professionals help my son and figure out my own life choices that are presenting themselves - i need to get back to HP to figure out what to do now.
There you go!
:ghug :ghug
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
((((((Winnie))))))
I know you are 'torn.' The MOM side of you wants to bring him home and LOVE him back to health. Unfortunately, you and I and all of us know LOVE doesn't fix them. If it did, there would be no need for boards like this.
I think you realization that you 'just don't know' and want the 'professionals' to handle it is a good one.
Yep, you may have pushed HP to the back burner, but I have a funny feeling that the attention this past week from not 1 but 3 different gentlemen was HP's way of showing you that you are a desireable person. Doesn't mean you have to 'act' on any of the 'invitations' at the moment, but just showing you what a really good person you are, and a way for HP to get your mind OFF your son for a bit.
Something else, I think you need to remember ...................................... NO is a complete sentence and you have the right to say NO he cannot come home, I cannot HELP HIM.
Oh I can guarantee he won't like that. He won't like being in State Custody, he will probably continue to 'blame' you until he finds recovery. The good thing here is YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY INTO HIS GUILT MANIPULATIONS. You have nothing to be guilty about. Someday, when he does find recovery, he will THANK YOU. I don't know of any in recovery who have not gone back, made their amends and been so thankful that their loved ones did what they did to help them reach bottom (not enabling). I know I sure did!
You are doing a FINE job and have been.
It is okay to say NO. I find the Priority List of
HP first
Then myself
Then those around me in order of importance to me
Has helped me a lot to keep balance in my own life (peace and serenity) and in the long run has been very beneficial to "those around me in order of importance to me."
Prayers continue to wing their way from NM to you and yours.
Love and hugs,
I know you are 'torn.' The MOM side of you wants to bring him home and LOVE him back to health. Unfortunately, you and I and all of us know LOVE doesn't fix them. If it did, there would be no need for boards like this.
I think you realization that you 'just don't know' and want the 'professionals' to handle it is a good one.
Yep, you may have pushed HP to the back burner, but I have a funny feeling that the attention this past week from not 1 but 3 different gentlemen was HP's way of showing you that you are a desireable person. Doesn't mean you have to 'act' on any of the 'invitations' at the moment, but just showing you what a really good person you are, and a way for HP to get your mind OFF your son for a bit.
Something else, I think you need to remember ...................................... NO is a complete sentence and you have the right to say NO he cannot come home, I cannot HELP HIM.
Oh I can guarantee he won't like that. He won't like being in State Custody, he will probably continue to 'blame' you until he finds recovery. The good thing here is YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY INTO HIS GUILT MANIPULATIONS. You have nothing to be guilty about. Someday, when he does find recovery, he will THANK YOU. I don't know of any in recovery who have not gone back, made their amends and been so thankful that their loved ones did what they did to help them reach bottom (not enabling). I know I sure did!
You are doing a FINE job and have been.
It is okay to say NO. I find the Priority List of
HP first
Then myself
Then those around me in order of importance to me
Has helped me a lot to keep balance in my own life (peace and serenity) and in the long run has been very beneficial to "those around me in order of importance to me."
Prayers continue to wing their way from NM to you and yours.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Winnie, Fear & Faith can not co-exist. I believe your HP is reaching out to you, put your faith back in HP. As you said you are not capable of handling your AS recovery, let the professionals handle this.
Many hugs & prayers for you, DD & AS.
Many hugs & prayers for you, DD & AS.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Winnie,
It has already been said, get a good nights sleep and pray on it. You already know the answer to the question. Your just having a Julie day. LOL Let him blame you for being alive, because if he comes home he may not get that chance, his actions have shown him to be a risk. When he ran away from rehab he was using again, that kind of tells you he is not ready to get clean and stay clean. Not only that, he stayed away as long as his health would allow, he only gave up when his body couldn't handle no more. I know how hard it is, I honestly feel for you, but are you going to be able to handle it if he comes home and ends up back in the hospital? You have another child to think about here also, how is the stress going to affect her? It would be nice if they would make it a shorter stay and give him some incentive to work for. Julie
It has already been said, get a good nights sleep and pray on it. You already know the answer to the question. Your just having a Julie day. LOL Let him blame you for being alive, because if he comes home he may not get that chance, his actions have shown him to be a risk. When he ran away from rehab he was using again, that kind of tells you he is not ready to get clean and stay clean. Not only that, he stayed away as long as his health would allow, he only gave up when his body couldn't handle no more. I know how hard it is, I honestly feel for you, but are you going to be able to handle it if he comes home and ends up back in the hospital? You have another child to think about here also, how is the stress going to affect her? It would be nice if they would make it a shorter stay and give him some incentive to work for. Julie
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