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Ever wonder why you stay

Old 05-04-2009, 02:09 PM
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Ever wonder why you stay

For many years after years go by and after swearing repeatedly you cant do this anymore you stay, your not sure why.
For me its all still been a growing process and healing and growing in who I am. But no matter good, bad or indifferent I realized something this weekend. For the first time in 6 years I realized why Ive always let him back and why I stay.
Its the "high" of the their sorrow remorse and want to make it up to you feeling. Somehow that time of switch around made me feel great, made me feel loved, I think even more than the once drama addict I was. It was the thrill of th sweetness.
One day last week I came home and in the middle and unexpected in complete chaos, everything was spotless, could smell dinner cooking in the evening and I felt a serene deja vu feeling, I felt like home as a child, it felt like a fairy tale and I knew, after all these yours what kept me hooked.
For me the knowledge goes into my learning bank of those things that will one day use to break free and the peace that comes with it.

I also notice each time around that feeling is different and perfection lasts a short time as these day, that perfect dinner and clean house also mean a disappearance before the food is put away, and to ease his guilt....a clean house and meals for 2 or 3 days all set. In addition, its all leading me to that path where the next break away will be forever and no looking back. Sometimes its better to have all your ducks in a row and your prepared for anything
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Old 05-04-2009, 04:15 PM
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For me... a nice meal and clean house just didn't do it. Somehow, my AH used to think that doing things like that made everything ok and that this was supposed to be something that I was grateful for. It might have put things at ease for a bit... but mostly I resented the fact that he "didn't get it" and he thought that he could "win me" that easily. I am a good cook and I can clean my own house... my sanity is worth more. It got old .... but not fast enough!
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Old 05-04-2009, 04:25 PM
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Somehow, my AH used to think that doing things like that made everything ok and that this was supposed to be something that I was grateful for.
Isn't this funny? Yesterday abf decided we should spend the day together. We haven't done anything together in a REALLY long time. When typically I'd run to the store myself, he was up and offering to come along... because we were "spending the DAY together". What a long day!!! You can't not do things for months or years and then do it once and say, "hey, look what I'm doing" and expect someone to be thrilled!

Its the "high" of the their sorrow remorse and want to make it up to you feeling.
I don't think I ever got a "high" from the remorse, but I totally get what you're saying. I was more like, wow, he's been a big idiot, but look how bad he feels about it! Look how nice he's being now! He really DOES appreciate me! LOL
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Old 05-04-2009, 06:19 PM
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Yep~

We each probably have our own reasons as well as some common threads among us regarding why we stayed as long as we did.

For me, it has been THE question.

What I've discovered so far is that I'm more comfortable in a relationship. So facing life not in one was scary for a long time. When I walked out last winter, I got over most of that.

Being a control freak of sorts and the fix-it person in my family, when AH was out of it, I was able to be in TOTAL control. And although there was chaos, I almost felt - like the martyr - oh here I go again having to do it all....if I want it done right, I have to do it. Weird huh.

Fear of failure was one too. Even though I would feel justified if I ended it, I would still feel like I failed at marriage like my parents.

And finally, being too trusting. Believing that he can stay clean, that he can find recovery again.

Knowing these things hasn't made me want to end it completely, although I do know I'm strong enough now to do so if needed. It really is a growing process, at least for me.

Sometimes its better to have all your ducks in a row and your prepared for anything
Having all the ducks lined up and ready does make it easier when the time comes. I now have a bag of spare clothes, spare day to day stuff, and money stashed just in case.
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Old 05-05-2009, 12:42 AM
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My A went away and I was left shocked, bereft, and sick. I loved him deeply.

And though I knew not to track him down, knew not to take him back if he showed up saying all the right things but not living the right life, knew to keep trying to get well and detox myself from the effect of his disease on my heart....

Some days I would think, well, if he does come back, I don't care about recovery. I just want to be with him. I just want to touch him again. I want that smile and those eyes. I'll live with the heroin. If it means I could be in the same room with him again.

Some days I would think, well, if he comes back and he's clean, how long could I be with him? Okay, five years....I'll just hope for five years before he goes back out. If I could just have that much......it will be enough. I'll take it.

I knew I was weak inside. That loving him made me weak. I knew I wasn't sure I could say "go away" if he came back.

So God didn't bring him back. I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly three years.

God did the right thing. I wasn't tested during those weak times. And the A I love wasn't given an enabler on a silver platter.

We both have to be whole, and God knows it.

So.....I understand staying. But hope God helps us out when we shouldn't.
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Old 05-05-2009, 05:08 AM
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I think just noticing that cycle is a huge step. Once we can spot those trends and consciously realize what is happening both with them and us is when we can start to make a real decision on whether or not to stay or leave. when you're in these cycles and one leaves in the midst of drama they never seem to stay gone - in fact sometimes i felt the drama started from ex just for a reason to leave for a few days. But inevitably it wont stop until you decide not to play anymore - what that will take only you can tell but i can assure you that you will know when you've had enough. they wont typically stop the cycle on their own.

My son's AD was like this - we were were on and off for about 5 years - fighting, making up over and over again until i finally said no more. I didnt see him for 10 years once i said no more. 10 years later, he's finally met his son but has no real relationship with him. He had a gf when they met - she was a lot like many of us codies on here but they broke up a couple of months ago. Believe it or not, even after all this time, he is trying to get me back into his circle. Even after all these years i have those fleeting thoughts of thinking maybe he grew up and maybe it would be different and then i laugh and realize nothing has changed and never will with him. So now he asks and i say no. I know that really what he wants is another woman to fill that need, take care of him and help him continue his addiction - he sees me as one of those women that will fit that role but too late for that and i'm worth so much more than that. he's just lost and i see no hope for him ever having any sort of real life if i allowed myself to be involved with him then i'd be just as lost as him. At some point you realize that you'd rather be alone then be involved with addiction.
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Old 05-05-2009, 05:35 AM
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Being alone is hard, but I agree with Winnie living with addiction is harder. I am lonely, but at least I am sane and I have my dignity. I don't have to hide his problem any more... not that I ever did HAVE to hide it, but I did. I don't have to be nice so that I don't set him off, I don't have to be disappointed that he let me down yet one more time.

Somedays I get so down and feel horrible, thinking maybe I should have just stuck it out and continued to deny and pretend. BUT... somehow, (I think through the grace of God)... I get strong enough to say...NO... going back is not the answer. Just as I believe the events that lead me to my decision to leave happened for a reason, I trust that the events to lead me to happiness will happen as well.
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Old 05-06-2009, 03:59 AM
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Originally Posted by winnie12 View Post
you will know when you've had enough
There it is in a nutshell. Sooner or later, you will know that it is time. Then it becomes a decision rather than an intention. An intention, after all, is just followed by more intentions. A decision is followed by actions. That is the difference.

I am grateful every day that I was finally ready. No drama, no hysterics, just the quiet knowing that, yes, it is time, and yes I will be okay.

Sending love and strength to all who are still waiting for that moment.

Climb up and rock a while,
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Old 05-06-2009, 05:57 AM
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Tha's exactly it Babs... when I finally said enough... it was no tears, just a plain and simple, "I can't do it anymore, we need to end this." I had shed more than my share to that point and frankly, I think there is a new lake that should be named for me for what I have cried since... but that is not because I made the wrong decision.
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Old 05-06-2009, 08:43 AM
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I keep hearing throughout this thread "you'll just know" when you've had enough. I've heard it all over SR as well. Things like you're just not ready, you've not been through enough pain to leave yet etc.

Is that really true? I mean do you just "know" when you're done or are most just making a conscious decision because they know it's what they have to do. Maybe I should start a new thread on this topic instead of hijacking your thread Cinderella.
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Old 05-06-2009, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids View Post
For me the knowledge goes into my learning bank of those things that will one day use to break free and the peace that comes with it.

I also notice each time around that feeling is different and perfection lasts a short time as these day, that perfect dinner and clean house also mean a disappearance before the food is put away, and to ease his guilt....a clean house and meals for 2 or 3 days all set. In addition, its all leading me to that path where the next break away will be forever and no looking back. Sometimes its better to have all your ducks in a row and your prepared for anything
Sounds like you are working on YOUR recovery and your path of self-discovery on what is best for you and your life! Good for you, Cindi!!

Wishing you Peace, Joy and Love,
Rita
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Old 05-06-2009, 09:06 AM
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Is that really true? I mean do you just "know" when you're done or are most just making a conscious decision because they know it's what they have to do. Maybe I should start a new thread on this topic instead of hijacking your thread Cinderella.
Its all part of the discussion so I dont consider it hijacking.
Sometimes, things have to be in line to safely leave, end things ect. Loose ends tied sort of thing.
IMO, leaving and then returning makes things more confusing and less healthy for everyone, also in some situations you have to force the other person to leave and just an accusation doesnt necessarily get it done. SOmetimes its a conscious decision because you know what you have to do, other times theres nothing left but memories and lots of drama.
For me, the more i focus on me, the less I can be manipulated, pulled ect
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Old 05-06-2009, 09:18 AM
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For me, it took the police to be called, because asking him to leave wasn't enough.

You really do know when you reach the enough is enough point. For me it took a long time, being a codie, trying all sorts of ways to cure his addiction... if I loved him enough,
if I took care of everything so he didn't have any worries, if I got mad at him enough,
If I gave him the silent treatment, etc etc etc. If I stood by him during rehab 3 times,
then prison, surely he would change? Finally I figured out after 20 years of marriage,
it was only getting worse not better. With no recovery in sight... I had to separate for
my own sanity.

And I deserved better! I'm not dating yet, still not ready, but am praying for Mr. Right to come in to my life when I am ready.
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Old 05-06-2009, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
I keep hearing throughout this thread "you'll just know" when you've had enough. I've heard it all over SR as well. Things like you're just not ready, you've not been through enough pain to leave yet etc.

Is that really true? I mean do you just "know" when you're done or are most just making a conscious decision because they know it's what they have to do.
When i was little and would ride bikes with my big brother and sister i always had trouble keeping up - especially on the hills. It was always a struggle and at times the hill would just be too much for me - i'd try and try with all my might, all the while going slower and slower up the hill till i was barely moving. I wanted to keep up with them but sometimes i just couldnt and when i had enough I would have to get off my bike and push it up the hill on my own and let them go.

Its kinda like that - you just cant follow them any further and you know it.
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Old 05-06-2009, 10:45 AM
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Yes, you'll know. With every goodbye I became a little more sure, moved a little further in my plan. Sometimes I didn't know what that plan was or what my next step would be, but then he'd disappear again or there'd be another money crisis or lie...and I'd make another decision.

Yes, the good times were very good...the clean house, dinner cooking, all those wonderful things that made me fall in love with him. But for me those times became overshadowed by the rest. I could never completely relax and my body began to rebel in all those weird ways that stress causes.

I set deadlines quietly to myself. Sometimes I acted on them and sometimes they came and went so I set another. But in my heart I knew what the final deadline would always be. And when that day came I knew I'd passed a major point because I set things into motion that could not be undone.

Hugs to all of you who still struggle with the decision to stay or leave. It's a very personal one and something you will live with forever - regardless of your choice.
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Old 05-06-2009, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by starrynite View Post
Yes, you'll know. With every goodbye I became a little more sure, moved a little further in my plan. Sometimes I didn't know what that plan was or what my next step would be, but then he'd disappear again or there'd be another money crisis or lie...and I'd make another decision.
This is exactly how I feel/felt. I inch along further in my plan. With each transgression, I'm more done, more "love" is lost. Something that I wonder if I ever could get back with AH/RAH I always felt like my decision to leave would be an instant thing. I have everything in place that could possibly be in place. Even with AH in recovery, there is ALOT of room for improvement. Recovery is not what I thought it would be.
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Old 05-06-2009, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by imallright View Post
Being alone is hard, but I agree with Winnie living with addiction is harder. I am lonely, but at least I am sane and I have my dignity. I don't have to hide his problem any more... not that I ever did HAVE to hide it, but I did. I don't have to be nice so that I don't set him off, I don't have to be disappointed that he let me down yet one more time.
I sincerely hope you get to a place where you don't feel lonely, and it isn't so hard. :ghug

My biggest problem was I short-circuited the process, refused to walk through the discomfort, and kept engaging in unhealthy relationships to 'fix' my loneliness.

Today I am okay with being alone, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt lonely over the past couple of years. My life is full, there is no chaos, and I'm no longer addicted to the drama.

I am worth so much more than what I was willing to settle for all those years.
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Old 05-06-2009, 07:49 PM
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Thanks DeVon.... I hope to be able to move to a state of either feeling ok with being alone or having others in my life who I can enjoy and not feel so lonely.

I like being with me... and I like me...but I crave companionship and someone who thinks that I am special or valuable.
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Old 05-07-2009, 05:19 AM
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i've posted this poem before but wanted to share again because it really helped me when going through the breakup of a bad relationship:

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
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