Broken Relationships
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Broken Relationships
How do you learn to deal with the broken relationships that have occured because of your addicts actions?
My husband has been in recovery for 5 months. He was on Oxi for 2 years. Before addiction took over his life he had a very close group of friends. Two friends in particular were like brothers. He still talks to one regularly and the other it has been sporadic for the last year. He got engaged 2 years ago and had changed the wedding date several times. About a month before my husband left for rehab they had lunch and the friend told him they still hadn't firmed a date, but he would be one of the first to know.
A couple of weeks ago we had heard the wedding was going to be this weekend. The friend he still talks to told us the wedding was going to be small, more like an elopement. The friend said the other guy wanted us to be there and that we would hear something from him. My husband was so excited. I had a feeling the friend was just trying to avoid hurting my husband about not being invited. My husband called him a few times and never heard from him. I could tell it hurt him. Well, the friend's wife that we still talk to just posted some pictures of the wedding weekend on Facebook and it wasn't small. There were mutual friends from all over the Country (even Germany) at the wedding. I'm really heartbroken over this. I look at all these pictures and cry!
These 2 were like brothers-friends since they were 10, when my husband had cancer this guy took him to radiation treatments once a week so that he could make him go surfing afterwards to take his mind off of being sick, they were roommates for years during college, he was an usher in our wedding and we weren't even invited to his. They have been part of such important times in each others lives, but the friendship is so wrecked that he didn't want my husband to be part of the most important day of this guy's life.
I know this doesn't have anything to do with me, but I am extremely sad over it. I know it will be hard for him when he finds out. There isn't anything I can do to change it and my husband has to make amends with his friends. It hurts me though because these friendships he has hurt were my friendships, too.
Every day of his recovery things hit me that I didn't even think about. How do I stop being sad about stuff like this?
My husband has been in recovery for 5 months. He was on Oxi for 2 years. Before addiction took over his life he had a very close group of friends. Two friends in particular were like brothers. He still talks to one regularly and the other it has been sporadic for the last year. He got engaged 2 years ago and had changed the wedding date several times. About a month before my husband left for rehab they had lunch and the friend told him they still hadn't firmed a date, but he would be one of the first to know.
A couple of weeks ago we had heard the wedding was going to be this weekend. The friend he still talks to told us the wedding was going to be small, more like an elopement. The friend said the other guy wanted us to be there and that we would hear something from him. My husband was so excited. I had a feeling the friend was just trying to avoid hurting my husband about not being invited. My husband called him a few times and never heard from him. I could tell it hurt him. Well, the friend's wife that we still talk to just posted some pictures of the wedding weekend on Facebook and it wasn't small. There were mutual friends from all over the Country (even Germany) at the wedding. I'm really heartbroken over this. I look at all these pictures and cry!
These 2 were like brothers-friends since they were 10, when my husband had cancer this guy took him to radiation treatments once a week so that he could make him go surfing afterwards to take his mind off of being sick, they were roommates for years during college, he was an usher in our wedding and we weren't even invited to his. They have been part of such important times in each others lives, but the friendship is so wrecked that he didn't want my husband to be part of the most important day of this guy's life.
I know this doesn't have anything to do with me, but I am extremely sad over it. I know it will be hard for him when he finds out. There isn't anything I can do to change it and my husband has to make amends with his friends. It hurts me though because these friendships he has hurt were my friendships, too.
Every day of his recovery things hit me that I didn't even think about. How do I stop being sad about stuff like this?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
A consequence of addiction often means a loss of friends and family. This happens because addicts have a tendency to steal from and lie to their friends/family.
You will probably never know what happened between your husband and his former friend. It's between them and has nothing to do with you. Things almost never return to what they were, before addiction. It's one of the consequences of addiction.
What have you been doing lately to look after yourself? Have you returned to work? Are you volunteering? Are there any support groups available in your area?
You will probably never know what happened between your husband and his former friend. It's between them and has nothing to do with you. Things almost never return to what they were, before addiction. It's one of the consequences of addiction.
What have you been doing lately to look after yourself? Have you returned to work? Are you volunteering? Are there any support groups available in your area?
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I need to remember that it was ONE day, but I just think about all the ONE days that are coming from this mess. I've been doing very good with dealing with things, but for some reason this particular situation has hit me really hard for some reason. I know the situation is between them, but I would like him to know I still consider him a friend.
outtolunch asked what I'm doing for myself and there isn't much. When my husband went to rehab I had just started a new job 2 months earlier. I had our son in March and was going to stay home, but when the addiction spiraled I started looking to go back to work. With the economy being the way it is I took the first thing I could get. I have great friends and family, but I don't have much time for me. I do have a counselor that I go to, but haven't been to attend any ALANON meetings (we don't have NARANON meetings in my area). My husband really urges me to, but I just can't bring myself for some reason. I can give you a million excuses why I don't (time, work, baby, husband's meetings), but really I just feel resentful that the free time I do have will be spent in a meeting hashing all this stuff out. That sounds really harsh when I see it, but that probably is the real reason I haven't been.
outtolunch asked what I'm doing for myself and there isn't much. When my husband went to rehab I had just started a new job 2 months earlier. I had our son in March and was going to stay home, but when the addiction spiraled I started looking to go back to work. With the economy being the way it is I took the first thing I could get. I have great friends and family, but I don't have much time for me. I do have a counselor that I go to, but haven't been to attend any ALANON meetings (we don't have NARANON meetings in my area). My husband really urges me to, but I just can't bring myself for some reason. I can give you a million excuses why I don't (time, work, baby, husband's meetings), but really I just feel resentful that the free time I do have will be spent in a meeting hashing all this stuff out. That sounds really harsh when I see it, but that probably is the real reason I haven't been.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by aah1977 
I can give you a million excuses why I don't (time, work, baby, husband's meetings), but really I just feel resentful that the free time I do have will be spent in a meeting hashing all this stuff out. That sounds really harsh when I see it, but that probably is the real reason I haven't been.
You will meet people who have found peace of mind because they are healing, and have been where you are.
Self-care is the greatest gift we can give to our children and and others.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by aah1977
I can give you a million excuses why I don't (time, work, baby, husband's meetings), but really I just feel resentful that the free time I do have will be spent in a meeting hashing all this stuff out. That sounds really harsh when I see it, but that probably is the real reason I haven't been.
Just wanted to say that my weekly alanon meetings are one of my favorite things I do for me. I can be grumpy, tired, upset, or just plain blah - and I always walk out of that room feeling better. It is me time.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
You won't go to al-anon for the marriage and the friend won't invite your husband to the wedding for the friendship.
Your husband has burned a lot of bridges in his addiction. Some people are just more willing to openly acknowledge it.
Your husband has burned a lot of bridges in his addiction. Some people are just more willing to openly acknowledge it.
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