justtired

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've posted, but am feeling totally sick to my stomach right now. I am about to contact an attorney regarding the joint property that abf and I own. Up until now, I've just been thinking about leaving. Now I'm taking an actual first step. I need to know what I have ahead of me because I don't think it's going to be too pretty. I had a bad weekend. Abf ran out of meds early and going through withdrawals. Unable to sleep, complaining of the horrible pain etc. Then yesterday he hit the jackpot and found out he could fill his meds early and boy was he a happy boy all day. But at the same time he says he's so glad he's not the way he USED to be with the ups and downs! WTF! Anyway, I have been being kind of cold to him. I feel bad because I know it's hurting him, but I just can't bring myself to be close to him in any way. He is pushing for intimacy and can't understand what the problem is. I don't want to go into detail until I'm set to leave because it will just make the living situation unbearable. I have told him that I'm just not interested right now and that I have things that I'm working through. Just give me time. But he won't. He just keeps pushing the issue. I just want to be done. Never thought I could go from being in love with someone to not even wanting to be near them. But still this step toward permanent separation is scary. Lots of unknown stuff ahead.

ItsmeAlice

(((((justtired)))))

I'm sorry the ups and downs are not apparent to your ABF. Just another irrational mind thinking we all see from their distorted perspective.

Unfortunately, his continued pushing for intimacy may only serve to repel you further. Please remember you do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Keep yourself safe.

When I have to make a call that I am dreading for work, to family, or whatever I heat up a heating pad or put a towel in the dryer for while then just before I dial the phone I take it out and wrap it around my lap. For some reason it helps with nausea and butterflies in my stomach and is comforting when I'm faced with a difficult task. Might help you with your call to the attorney.

Peace.

Alice

justtired

Thanks Alice. This is the hardest time for me. I thought it was stressful just dealing with addict behavior and trying to make the decision of what to do. Now that I've decided, it's even harder. I feel sadness, anger, bitterness, love, excitement, fear, hope and on and on. So many feelings! I am very lucky to know an attorney from my last job who is going to help me look at my options. I now have an appointment with him on Wednesday. I just hope I don't cry! It's hard for me to think of letting go of both my bf and my business that I worked so hard on for the last 5 years. But, I have to do what I have to do. And I'll make it through. I just wish I could fast-forward a few months so I don't have to go through the worst of it! Just have to keep moving forward!

splendra

(((((JT))))



I can understand you not wanting to discuss leaving him until you are almost out the door. The mood swings are so hard to put up with.

Do what you need to do to get yourself in a better place. Are you able to hold him off or do you just go ahead and get close with him to shut him up? A solution might be to go into the another room and lock or barricade the door.

I have just recently gotten my h away from me. I am doing alright. I wrote a couple threads about the experience if you want to look them up one is called: "I am officially done" and the other is is called :"Insanity Mine". It is not near as bad as I imagined it would be. I am so glad I am able to come here and write about it.

justtired

Thanks Splendra - With my abf it's mostly just comments he makes that make me uncomfortable. I don't ever feel in danger that he'll hurt me or anything. But it's an uncomfortable situation because he's pushing for things to be normal and they are not. Congrats on getting your ah away from you. I did read your threads and it's great that you were able to move forward for yourself. I guess as long as we all learn a lesson from what we go through, we will be just fine in the end.

justtired

Oh, and the other strange thing is that we have not had a sex life in over 2 years. Because of the meds he told me. I didn't realize it was because he was ABUSING his meds. Now he's taking even more than he was before, but all of a sudden he's "a boy who has needs"! I don't get it. I think it's only an issue now because I'm saying no. You always want what ya can't have!

Back when he was asking me if I was cheating on him all the time, finally one night he asked if I HAD cheated on him and now was waiting so I didn't give him anything!?! That comment has me suspicious about HIS OWN behavior now that I'm thinking about it...

ItsmeAlice

justtired -
Every day that I read here I find someone's story is eerily similar to mine. We are 2+ years without a sex life. For years I fussed over it and pushed the issue with him that we lacked the sex life I thought couples should have. Now I realize that I do have the sex life of others....other couples with addiction in their lives that is.

You made mention of comments he makes. Wow does that sound familiar. My ABF loves to make bitter little comments about anything and everything. He actually seems pleased when I refuse to listen to his running commentary and leave the room. It's probably pushing my boundary that he enjoys.

Last night I did make a jab back at him, though. He was making remarks under his breath in a slurred speech about a show on TV last night. We were eating dinner, which is the only reason I was in the room to begin with. I realized he expected a response to something he said so I apologized for not hearing him and asked him to repeat it. He refused and said he knows how hard the english language can be. WTF? I couldn't resist making a comment back for some reason and retorted that it's the pronunciation of it that's a b**ch. He told me I must have PMS and left the room to finish his dinner. I couldn't argue with him much because I did have a cranky day yesterday. It's probably the reason i just had to say something snotty back at him.

I am glad you have an appointment with the attorney. Accept that you will probably be emotional when you recount your issues. There are just some aspects of my situation that I cannot even say out loud to myself without getting choked up and teary eyed. Everyone has those emotional hot buttons.

Alice

justtired

Way too many of the stories on here are similar, Alice. I hate to read all of the people going through this with people they love. But it is so great to be able to learn from others' experiences. If I didn't come here, I'd probably still be trying to "love him clean". I had my appointment with the attorney. It went okay. I teared up, but did not actually cry. I wanted to, but was able to hold it in. What a mess this is. Boy I wish I did not have all of these properties with him and that I could just walk away.

JustMeInWI

*huge hug* Yes, the tragedy of loving someone is sharing things with them (like love, home, business, friends, etc), and then leaving them causes a wave effect throughout the rest of those things. It is always darkest before the dawn. You've found the right path for you and you are doing a great job of taking steps to get there. Keep on taking care of you and doing what you know is right for you. It WILL get better, my life is a testament of that.

ItsmeAlice

justtired,
So proud of you for getting through your meeting with your attorney. There is a business to a breakup that even the most brief committed relatioship has to go through. I am trying not to take that part of it personally. There is enough emotional baggage resulting from the last 10 yrs of my life to do that.

I wish you the best and that, at the least, the attorney was helpful.

Alice

hoodwinked

It's funny. When I began asking too many questions about my husbands activities, he either would ignore me or say something that cut me to the quick. Sometimes he walked around with a smirk.I think he was having a little power trip watching me come unglued. I finally got it that he wasn't going to tell me the truth about anything. Every word that came out of his mouth to me seemed like a joke. I didn't buy one word. Eventually, I started laughing at him. It wasn't spite, I just couldn't help it. I would look at him and double over. This really cramped his brain. Suddenly, he wanted to know what was on my mind!!!!!!!!! I felt a sense of detachment. I have decided I will be ok, with or without him. I've told him he can live the life he chooses, but if he chooses drugs, he'll have to live it without me. At present, he seems to have had a change of heart. I hope it lasts. I'm lucky that I'm older than him and can support myself, and that we don't have any children. If I were in that situation I know it would make things much worse.

justtired

Thanks everyone. I keep going back and forth from I CAN DO THIS to oh my god I don't know if I can do this! I'm trying to keep in mind the good things. I started looking for a house... even though I'm not sure when it will be that I can actually buy depending on what happens with the properties abf and I own. I found one that would just be PERFECT and now I'm torturing myself by looking at it. It does help to have reason to try to speed things up to get past the crap and to the good stuff.

It was helpful talking to the attorney. The scariest thing is that there is a chance that the banks won't let me off the mortgage. In which case no matter what I do, I will be financially responsible for those properties. This is not a pleasant thought seeing as there is an A involved. If it were a normal breakup, I wouldn't be that worried about just staying on the mortgages and figuring it out as we go. But I'm afraid that I won't get off the mortgage and he's gonna crash and THEN I'm in a heap of trouble. I know it doesn't help to worry about what Might happen, but it's still scary and I still think about it.

LOL Hoodwinked. This made me laugh. I've laughed at my abf too, but mostly behind his back as he's limping away. Now normally that would be a horrible thing to say, but we here all know how exaggerated things are coming from an addict. It really is pretty funny! He's walking into the kitchen feeling all sorry for himself and I'm just giggling.

cessy68

Hey there girl, I think you are doing great.... just muddeling through. It's normal to be scared, sad, etc. when 'pushing forward'. I know you and I talked before, (back in January) when I was saying that being 'detatched' was a weird but wonderful feeling. I went through the exact same thing as you.

Unfortuantely, I slipped up somewhere along the way.

I think it was wanting to feel like 'me' again. What I mean by that, is I in a sense, liked being overt about how I felt, (what he was doing, where he was going, how he should be doing this or that.) I know it sounds crazy, but that is the truth. I took on the 'role' in my life as a strong-willed, outspoken, Irish girl, who always said what was on my mind. (and I was proud of that). To step out of that 'role' made me uncomfortable. I felt like I was censoring myself.

Well, here is the truth of what happend. Everything went right back to square one. I played my role, and I felt good and strong. In reality, it made me weak, it made me suceptable to the same tango that the abf and I danced for the 2yrs of his addiciton. What would have made me strong would have been to either, truely 'let go' or to truely 'move on'. I guess for me, the choice should be 'move on' because I'm just to inclined to be the Irish girl I always was.

In turn, I gave him the power--- he was exactly how your boyfriend was. On the contrast, when I was 'let go'- mine did exactly what yours is- (we talked about this before) - their behavior changes. Suddenly they want the sex that dissapeared because of the pills, they want to know what you are thinking..... this is just human nature.

The biggest thing to remember, (which I forgot) Is that we don't want their behavior to 'change' by 'letting go'.... I mistook his changed behavior towards me as.... "ahhhh this worked".... but soon after I caved in, we were back in the same nonesense.

Keep strong, remember the dance that you don't want to engage in. Stay strong in detatchment, and keep pushing forward.

I'm proud of you.
Love,
Cess

justtired

This is good advice. I can't believe all the things he suddenly wants because he's found that I don't care anymore. At one time i would have fallen for it and thought he was really going to change and "be the person I wanted him to be". The biggest thing I've learned on here is to pay more attention to actions and less to words. He keeps saying he wants to eat dinner with me and go to bed with me... for months and months... Hasn't happened yet!

Now he's just getting crazy. Last night he came and sat by me... squashed me actually... and then says "Okay, I'm going to get up now". I say "OK". Then he says "will you miss me?" I say "You are just going across the room so no, i will probably not miss you". Him: "But will you miss me sitting by you?" LOL.. OMG! Oh, and he's going to make my dreams come true. I just need to tell him what they are. LOL It's getting kind of funny actually. Trying so hard when all he really needs to do is let the pills go!!!

One step at a time. We can do this Cess. We can get over the drama and ups and downs and move on to a stable life. You can still be that firey Irish girl that you are. Just use your forces for good LOL. Find a new project that you can be passionate about and make a difference.

hello-kitty

When in doubt, think about your options and do the next wise thing.