Still Clean
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Still Clean
Hey everyone,
Just a note to let everyone know 4 weeks and my son is still clean.
On his own, and doing beautifully.
I have a question, and could use your feedback.
I sense that he is really lonely. Seems happy but has cut off all ties with Drug friend, and that is all he has here.
Any suggestions???/
I realize alot of you have gone thru this.
How do you start all over again???:wtf2
Just a note to let everyone know 4 weeks and my son is still clean.
On his own, and doing beautifully.
I have a question, and could use your feedback.
I sense that he is really lonely. Seems happy but has cut off all ties with Drug friend, and that is all he has here.
Any suggestions???/
I realize alot of you have gone thru this.
How do you start all over again???:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
What I have learned is hands off my oldest AD, even though I was so tempted to, and often 'helped' in my own way.
I will be 51 years old this month, and my mother still treats me as a child. That is painful sometimes, and one reason why we have limited contact.
I am an adult, capable of making my own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad.
Today I give my AD the dignity to make her own decisions, seek out her own 'friendships', and live her life the way she chooses to.
I will be 51 years old this month, and my mother still treats me as a child. That is painful sometimes, and one reason why we have limited contact.
I am an adult, capable of making my own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad.
Today I give my AD the dignity to make her own decisions, seek out her own 'friendships', and live her life the way she chooses to.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Trying to FIX his lonliness sounds like co-dependent behavior to me.
The only thing you have control over is how you relate to him. Don't focus too much on his recovery...change will come if that is where HIS focus is.
If he is going to mtgs. and gets a sponsor that will provide him with positive
connections. How WONDERFUL that he is sober today.
The only thing you have control over is how you relate to him. Don't focus too much on his recovery...change will come if that is where HIS focus is.
If he is going to mtgs. and gets a sponsor that will provide him with positive
connections. How WONDERFUL that he is sober today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
When my daughter came back from the halfway house, she had absolutely zero friends. It had been a long 3 years of just her and the abf. All of the people she went to school with had moved on with their lives. My daughter went to meetings everyday, got a job, made some new work friends and hung out with me and her little Chihuahua. She still does not have a lot of friends. She mostly spends time with her non-addict boyfriend or at work or meetings. She was never one to have a lot of friends before addiction and she seems to be the same in recovery. But she is surviving and so will your son. Sending hugs and prayers. Remember only he can ease the loneliness. Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
Congratulations that he is still clean!
Of course he is lonely his routine has changed and he hasn't found that niche of people that he is comfortable with. Has he started his job? Frequently, friends are found there. My daughter was lonely too, but the more she works and goes to school the more people she meets.
Does anyone on this forum think that we label natural responses to difficult circumstances, i.e a mother's concern that her child is lonely after prolonged drug use, into a pathological disease state called co-dependency too quickly?
Of course he is lonely his routine has changed and he hasn't found that niche of people that he is comfortable with. Has he started his job? Frequently, friends are found there. My daughter was lonely too, but the more she works and goes to school the more people she meets.
Does anyone on this forum think that we label natural responses to difficult circumstances, i.e a mother's concern that her child is lonely after prolonged drug use, into a pathological disease state called co-dependency too quickly?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I was taught to use suggestions. That was
better than being told what to do. Im blessed
with 2 young adults that are normies like their
dad.
It was during our 7 or 8 yr marriage that the
family pulled an intervention on me sending
me to rehab where i stayed for 28 days.
It was there that I picked up the tools and
knowledge of my disease.
When i returned home, i had 2 small children
that were aware that i was sick at the time
and that i needed help. As time went on and
i continued on with my program, meetings and
service work, they knew how important my
program was to me.
I raised them thru grade school, high school
and college and thru suggestions and my
actions in recovery it allowed them to make
good judgements in their life.
I always told them that if they should ever
get into trouble with drugs or alcohol that
I was there for them and that there was
always a solutions to any problem.
I felt honored that i was in recovery right
there in our own little family to help them
and guide them with my knowledge of
addiction.
What better person to give them answers
than someone who has been there done that.
better than being told what to do. Im blessed
with 2 young adults that are normies like their
dad.
It was during our 7 or 8 yr marriage that the
family pulled an intervention on me sending
me to rehab where i stayed for 28 days.
It was there that I picked up the tools and
knowledge of my disease.
When i returned home, i had 2 small children
that were aware that i was sick at the time
and that i needed help. As time went on and
i continued on with my program, meetings and
service work, they knew how important my
program was to me.
I raised them thru grade school, high school
and college and thru suggestions and my
actions in recovery it allowed them to make
good judgements in their life.
I always told them that if they should ever
get into trouble with drugs or alcohol that
I was there for them and that there was
always a solutions to any problem.
I felt honored that i was in recovery right
there in our own little family to help them
and guide them with my knowledge of
addiction.
What better person to give them answers
than someone who has been there done that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
thanks everyone,
He is out tonight with new friends. I guess because we are so social, it worries me.
I cannot and will not do it for him but he seems content to be home, working along with us, spending time with us, and his beautiful pup.
I am very proud of him. Again he has overcome serious odds. I do not take this for granted, just observations.
He is out tonight with new friends. I guess because we are so social, it worries me.
I cannot and will not do it for him but he seems content to be home, working along with us, spending time with us, and his beautiful pup.
I am very proud of him. Again he has overcome serious odds. I do not take this for granted, just observations.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Marlie 
Does anyone on this forum think that we label natural responses to difficult circumstances, i.e a mother's concern that her child is lonely after prolonged drug use, into a pathological disease state called co-dependency too quickly?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi Marlie:
In answer to your question, on the one hand I think you are right that we are labeled co-dependent in any kind of caring concern we have for the addict. Concern about any other non-addict person in our life would not be viewed that way.
On the other hand, addiction is different and requires an extreme hands-off response from us that is not required in the relationships we have with non-addicts.
Addiction has caused our loved ones to be so very dependent, so very quick to take the path of least resistance. Our loved one's addiction has caused US to be so very scared, so very stressed. With that combination, what is otherwise a very benign concern in a non-addict relationship can be deadly in the relationship with our addicted loved one.
In answer to your question, on the one hand I think you are right that we are labeled co-dependent in any kind of caring concern we have for the addict. Concern about any other non-addict person in our life would not be viewed that way.
On the other hand, addiction is different and requires an extreme hands-off response from us that is not required in the relationships we have with non-addicts.
Addiction has caused our loved ones to be so very dependent, so very quick to take the path of least resistance. Our loved one's addiction has caused US to be so very scared, so very stressed. With that combination, what is otherwise a very benign concern in a non-addict relationship can be deadly in the relationship with our addicted loved one.
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