I'm looking for some experience, strength & hope

Old 05-01-2009, 06:52 AM
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Red face I'm looking for some experience, strength & hope

I'll start out by saying, it's the end of the week and I'm tired . . . I'm having a hard time finding serenity, finding a connection with my HP - I feel sad and anxious, lonely and depressed.

I'm looking for support from the wise SR moms.

My 28 yr old AS has been homeless for 4 months, living in a shelter. He is trying to get himself "in the system" for assistance and claims he wants mental health help (should I be posting in the Mental Health area?) It is a long, hard, frustrating road - appts. w/people are weeks out and they only seem to lead no where or to another appt. weeks out . . . he claims he is clean and has successfully passed a year of mandatory random drug tests through the court system (at first about once a month, but for the past 5 months about once or twice a week.)

I keep trying to be a support, a family for him, but it is wearing me down. My problem is I'm still giving him money (to pay for a bed & locker at the shelter, to get a meal here or there, to help w/bus fare, etc.) and that stress is what takes a toll on me. I don't make enough to support us both. We don't seem to have much of a relationship outside of the money part of it though.

I still have soooo many "buts or what ifs". How can I turn my back on him if he really needs help getting the help he needs? I just keeping thinking if I can hang in there til his next appt. (05/04 Alcohol/Drug assessment 2nd appt., 05/13 Neuropsych assessment, 06/08 Omnibus hearing (pretrial hearing to determine admissibility of evidence) for 1 count of theft by swindle (for taking my car & trying to sell it) that maybe "something" will happen. But the "next" appt. doesn't seem to get the results "I want"!!! (I know, I know it's God's will, not mine.)

I know there are parents here that are NOT enabling. I'm wondering how??? I feel like I have to go into hiding or move out of state to be able to break the connection. Did anyone else feel like that? What did you do? What happened?

I'm looking for experiences to relate to - is anyone willing to share?
Thanks, Joan
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Old 05-01-2009, 08:01 AM
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My problem is I'm still giving him money (to pay for a bed & locker at the shelter, to get a meal here or there, to help w/bus fare, etc.) and that stress is what takes a toll on me.
You're right that is a BIG PROBLEM, you are STILL ENABLING. Sweetie, you do not have to give him one thin dime. He will find the money, even if it means selling his plasma. He still knows "mommy" will help him if he 'whines' and QUACKS loud enough.

Remember, he is not 8 years old. He is an ADULT and these are just some of the CONSEQUENCES of his actions.

(05/04 Alcohol/Drug assessment 2nd appt., 05/13 Neuropsych assessment, 06/08 Omnibus hearing (pretrial hearing to determine admissibility of evidence) for 1 count of theft by swindle (for taking my car & trying to sell it) that maybe "something" will happen. But the "next" appt. doesn't seem to get the results "I want"!!! (I know,
No, and the next one after that, and after that, and after that. You want him 'well' and you want it now. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

Sad to say, Joan, but you are PROLONGING HIS BOTTOM.


I know there are parents here that are NOT enabling. I'm wondering how??? I feel like I have to go into hiding or move out of state to be able to break the connection.
It does not matter, if it is a son, daughter, husband, wife, parent or sibling. Each one of us STOPS enabling, when ...............................................

the FEAR of continuing to enable is less than the FEAR of stopping.

When you are sick and tired of working 2 jobs, and still not having 2 nickels to rub together because 'sonny boy' is still SUCKING YOU DRY is when you will stop.

You know, I learned a simple "Priority List" when I got sober. It has held me in very good stead in my recovery from addiction and my recovery from being a Codie.

HP first

Then MYSELF,

Then, ................ those around me in order of importance to me.

Looks to me like you have your SON first and thus your life is TOPSY TURVY.

Your son is an addict. He is a Con Man. He is a Manipulator (especially of mom). He is a SURVIVOR. He will survive, without your giving him money.

I also suspect that part of this continuing to give him money is so you do KNOW where he is what he is doing, etc and you can continue to live in the chaos and drama. We become so use to riding the Roller Coaster that we do not know any other way to live.

Maybe less contact with him and more contact with your AlAnon friends and more meetings will help you.

You know you can call anytime sweetie. Please leave your son to HP.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-01-2009, 10:15 AM
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Laurie,

Ouch AND every point you made is sooo true, so thank you.

After I posted, I reread the sticky at the top about the 10 things you can do to help a loved one, also a very good read for me.

Thank you for the honesty, I need to hear it. I may not act as quickly as I should, in the "right" way, but appreciate the support I get here.

Joan
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Old 05-01-2009, 12:12 PM
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Joane,

Laurie is right, as painful as it is to detach. As a parent I know exactly how you feel. When I think back on the Wester Union Moneygrams I would send my son so he could get a 'shelter' for a few nights, or money for some food, -it made my feel better, but he got drugs from it.

I stopped, as hard as it was...nothing for him. Now after 4 years he's back in a program...hopefully this path will be good for him. But he got himself into the program without help from me.

Laurie said "We become so use to riding the Roller Coaster that we do not know any other way to live". That's so true. I know that just being in the middle of a chaotic situation would sometimes feel better than doing nothing at all.

Do I still have bad day? Sometimes. Do they occur as often? No.
But I agree with you that it all sucks. Do I still sometimes mourn
for life he didn't chose? Yes. But I have to believe there is some reason for the journey he's traveling. (sometime I hope to find out)

Please take care of yourself. There are some very wise people here. I learn more every day.
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Old 05-01-2009, 12:26 PM
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Joan, I know how hard this is, I've been there. I smell something wrong with his stories...I may be mistaken but here's my take.

More frequent drug tests means he probably didn't test clean.

Most shelters do not charge for beds and/or lockers, most people who stay there could not afford to pay anything. If it is a Salvation Army shelter, you can be sure there is no charge.

His appointments keep being put off...that happens sometimes and we can't speed up the system, but is it them or him who puts off the dates? This one I am not so sure of, but the questions sits just the same.

The thing is, Joan, that WE are not their only option. If he had no money at all, there is still a shelter that would take him in. I know how much money I went through trying to save my son and it didn't help at all. And the stories to get it were not so unique, even when he was clean...laundry money at rehab (where laundry was free).

As Cats says, being the mom of an addict ain't for weenies. Sometimes it is just hard to be us.

Prayers for your son and prayers for courage and peace for you, maybe we can both trust God to do for us and our sons what we cannot do ourselves.

Hugs
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Old 05-01-2009, 12:49 PM
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I know my story and my son's story is not unique, sometimes it just seems that way. Or sometimes I just want it to be unique so that I can justify my "enabling" as something other than enabling. That is why every couple of months I start my own thread to get help from the experience of others to get my mind back where it needs to get to.

I hear you all and appreciate each and every one of you, with your different experiences - some with loved ones working on recovery, some with loved ones rebelling against recovery, some with no contact with their loved ones, their actual offspring, the ones we gave birth to and raised - ARGH, it's like ripping out my heart with my own fist. But I hear that you are surviving, some even thriving, and I want so badly to be you, to have what you have, to be strong. How? I pray for your prayers to keep trying.

I started my original post saying 'it's the end of the week and I'm tired' but I'll drag my butt to my AlAnon meeting because I know it's what I need to do. It's our speeker meeting, usually a guest from outside our group - I love those - hearing someone elses story and seeing them surviving is inspiring. Thanks
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Old 05-01-2009, 01:09 PM
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(((JMF)))

I don't have any experience as the mom of an addict but I am a mom...and I can only imagine how hard it must be to enforce those boundaries sometimes.

What would you tell a good friend in this situation? Probably the exact same things that the wise souls above me have already said. I think its all about loving yourself. Putting up boundaries (like no more money) ISN'T about him...its about you and your wellbeing. Try not to look at it like your doing something TO him...look at it as doing something positive for yourself.
You're important, too, ya know.

Big hugs...
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Old 05-01-2009, 01:10 PM
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(((Joan)))

Just wanted to give you a big :ghug3.

I also wanted to clarify something about the Salvation Army. Some of their shelters DO charge..the one in the town where I was using charged by the night. It was only $5 or $10, but several people from my AA group were staying there and I remember some worried about not having that money.

Looking back at that time, I remember several people who were working with the local treatment center, trying to get resources for bipolar or other mental illnesses. They stayed at the Salvation Army (I think the treatment center would pay for a certain amount of time), went to meetings, looked for jobs or worked when the could. None of them had cars, and the bus system there was a joke, so those of us with cars would get them around. The one thing they didn't do, was call mom. I guess for them, mom wasn't an option.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, honestly. I had forgotten all about these friends, until I read this thread. I don't even know what they're relationship with their parents was, except for one girl and her mom was in worse shape than she was.

I just know the people who run out of enablers, will figure out how to do things for themselves.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-01-2009, 01:11 PM
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I draw the line between what is his problem and what is my responsibility. my son is 16 so obviously its my responsibility to feed him but when he's 28 its his. its my responsibility to clothe him but that has meant second hand shops and no designer clothes for a while. if he does drugs or breaks the law then he takes full responsibility on his own for the consequences and i never give him spare money - that's a huge no. i buy what is my responsibility and give it to him but i would never hand him cash under any circumstance.

maybe a few nights hungry and cold would actually get through to him. He is 28 so its time for him to learn to stand on his own - if he doesnt soon then he never will. if you love him you may have to step out of the way and let him suffer some so that he decides he wants a change.

we each get through this in our own way - we each find our strength in different ways but the best thing i do is take it day by day - enjoy the good days and work through the hard ones. today is a good day and tomorrow is not here so i focus on now.
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Old 05-01-2009, 01:42 PM
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It is the struggling that your son will remember when he gets clean and it will be what he will remember when he has the urge to use again. You have to let HIM experience that struggle. The only way to learn to say no is to do it. Each time that you do it will make the next time easier. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-01-2009, 02:37 PM
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Here's my take on it. I dated someone just like your son last year for eight weeks. This guy was 33. I refused to give him any money at all, although he started hitting me up almost immediately when we started seeing each other. He always had a good story (temporarily short on cash, waiting on a check, waiting on some work to come through, blah blah blah, quack quack quack..) but I couldn't see giving him money ever.

So of course, his good ole mom was the last resort. It wasn't that he was using (as far as i know, he wasn't at the time). But her giving him money was what enabled him to keep from getting a job. And because he never was forced to get a job so he could live comfortably, he had lots of time on his hands. And lowered his self-esteem. No man can feel good about himself if he isn't working, IMO. The boredom and low self-esteem led to a nothing-to-lose attitude that eventually led back to drugs and crime. A bad relapse. He's back out there. I'm not saying it's his mom's fault, Lord knows we don't cause this sh!t, but who knows? Maybe if she'd stayed out of it, he'd have found a job, or at least hit bottom faster.

I used to sit next to him while he conned her on the phone "Please Mom, I don't want to lose my place at the halfway-house by not paying my weekly rent...then I'll end up stealing again..." I used to curse her for falling for it, and also felt very sad for her. He'd never let me talk to her or meet her, because he knew I'd tell her the truth. She didn't ever get my phone number, but after we broke up, his mom wrote me a letter asking me about him and what I thought was going on. I was too afraid to answer it, because he was already stalking me by then, but I wished I could have told her the truth. So I'm telling you instead. Stop sending money, dear. No good will come of it.

Love,
KJ
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Old 05-01-2009, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by JMFburns View Post
I hear you all and appreciate each and every one of you, with your different experiences - some with loved ones working on recovery, some with loved ones rebelling against recovery, some with no contact with their loved ones, their actual offspring, the ones we gave birth to and raised - ARGH, it's like ripping out my heart with my own fist. But I hear that you are surviving, some even thriving, and I want so badly to be you, to have what you have, to be strong. How? I pray for your prayers to keep trying.
JMF

This is what I want too.

Gotahavfaith :codiepolice
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Old 05-01-2009, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Is there a reason he's not working at least part time?
Bingo !

Is there a reason, any reason why he does not work? If he cannot work, is there a reason, any reason why he cannot do commuity service to build a resume?
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Old 05-01-2009, 08:27 PM
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It's scary not to continue to shelter and protect...it's very, very scary. The only way I could stop was to realize that I could be loving them to death. I would rather feel scared than do that. I had to learn to put faith in a higher power to be able to stop enabling.

I remember an illustration at a family session I went to. The counselor showed a series of holes along a road, each getting deeper and deeper...But then she showed how as an enabling parent, i would fill those holes in and stop my child from hitting the bottom. Filling in meant my child was able to progress deeper and deeper into the disease without the pain of facing consequences. It meant making the real bottom so much deeper than it had to be. My enabling would actually prolong active addiction.

Hugs. I'm so glad you decided to seek out a meeting and come here for support.
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Old 05-02-2009, 05:54 AM
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We each walk our own path, and in my case it has taken me a long time to just say NO! But through the Naranon and SR, I've learned to do that "one day at a time".

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 05-02-2009, 06:15 AM
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Hugs to you -- as Moms it is the hardest thing to detach - but we must. Just tell him the truth, you don't have the money to give him -- what you have is love and any guidance he needs, but the bank is closed. All the best to you and your son
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