And the plot thickens

Old 04-29-2009, 08:08 PM
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Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
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And the plot thickens

Okay so the OW keeps calling me and to cut to the chase. I got her to tell me the "truth"

They didn't just find each other recently. They first ran into each other 8 months ago!!! And supposedly slept with each other 3 times.

As sad as it is I am relieved to know the truth and have all my suspicions validated.

He told me I was crazy .. he told me I was a psycho, he told me I made sh^t up in my head.

I knew deep down that there was something wrong .... I knew that he was being deceitful .. I knew that he was lying .. but I wanted more then suspicions. I wanted proof and well, I've got it. I can now lay down my arms and throw in the white flag .. I gave it my best shot, but the odds were against me. I was up against addiction, OW and narcissism - I might have lost a marriage, but I've gained myself

Yesterday I learned that I was stronger than I thought I was.
Today I learned that I can trust my instincts.

I like who I am becoming and I am excited because I just know God has some wonderful things in store for me and my children.

Passion
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:14 PM
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I've learned that playing codie detective was ultimately unproductive for my recovery, and teaching me to ignore what my common sense and gut was telling me. The 'excitement' was a bit of a buzz, but afterwards I always felt unhealthier.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
I've learned that playing codie detective was ultimately unproductive for my recovery, and teaching me to ignore what my common sense and gut was telling me. The 'excitement' was a bit of a buzz, but afterwards I always felt unhealthier.
While I know what you are saying, I think there's a difference between allowing that codie detective role to consume you, and allowing yourself to face the truth, head on, and take action toward change.

For me, knowing was part of the acceptance process.

Looking back to my first husband's affair that ultimately lead to our divorce, I needed to KNOW before I could accept, especially since it hadn't happened before.

As Nyte said..validation. JMO
I understand (((Nyte)))


(((Hugs)))
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:14 PM
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Knowing the truth is very important when it comes to infidelity, since our health is at risk.

Playing detective can be obsessive and insane when carried out in extreme emotionalism, or it can be a part of critical thinking as we become fact-seeking realists, when there is something vitally important to know.

It was time for you to know the truth, nyte, and it was God's decision for you to know it now, rather than months ago when you were emotional about Dakota's tests and fragile and too easily crumpled.

People who cheat are so utterly selfish. Given that A's operate on selfish-autopilot when in their disease, infidelity seems almost inevitable, if they have half a chance.

And then, there are the ones who get sober and cheat anyway. Nothing really changed.

So glad you are free, nyte.
You are free on many levels, sweetie.
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:20 PM
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Why would the OW call you anyway? How'd she get your number? I wouldn't trust her for a minute. She doesn't have any morals anyway. I mean according to her, she is sleeping with a married man, and then calling his wife to put it in her face, and hurt her. Sometimes people makes mistakes. I am now referring to your husband. Is your marriage worth forgiving him, and trying to work through this? I mean, why should she win? She could be lying, just to win the man. Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see. I'm sorry your going through this Nyte. I went through this with my first husband. It sucks. I wouldn't give her the time of day. Change your number, and try to get the truth out of your man. It's pretty obvious that he is guilty. If he weren't she wouldn't be calling. Cheating is a deal breaker in marriage. ((((((((nyte))))))))
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:37 PM
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Cynical, I guess I used the wrong word, Why should the ow get the father of nytes children. When I talk of working things out, it's usally for the sake of love(if she loves him) and for the sake of the kids. I know cheating is a deal breaker, but sometimes forgiveness is a great thing that keeps families together, and daddies at home with their kids. It's up to Nyte, and if she is willing to accept and forgive. I said she has no morals, because she called the wife and put it in her face. The husband is 100% guilty and wrong. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately I was not able to forgive my first husband. He was guilty of the same thing. When I see what our divorce did to our child, I am able to reconsider now that I am older and wiser. I knew I was going to get into trouble posting here.
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:58 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Win??? win what the booby prize? And why the double standard...she has no morals...but he could have just made a mistake. Who knows what line of bull he has fed the OW.

I'm sure he fed them both a line of garbage. But I do understand angelics point. If nyte loves her husband and is willing to forgive for the sake of her family, it might be a good thing in the long run. My brother and sister inlaw have children together. Both of them strayed at one time or another, but they both forgave, and moved past the hurt and betrayal. Not every marriage has to end because of an affair. Sometimes when children are involved, and there is love there, some things can be worked on, and trust can be rebuilt. I have seen it. Not everyone walks out because of infidelity.
Angelic admits she did, but says it hurt her child in the longrun. Alot of people are able to to put their kids first. Some just can't. It's ok to have a difference of opinion. Nyte, follow your heart. Change your number. I'm sure you have heard enough out of the OW. :wtf2
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Old 04-29-2009, 10:07 PM
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I knew I was going to get into trouble posting here.[/QUOTE] LOL, it's a very touchy topic angelic. I try to tell people to but it doesnt always work out that way. There's been alot of arguing on here lately.
Every opinion is important, and helps others to see the other side of the coin. Don't be afraid to post, or deal with someone elses opinion. nyte, I'm sorry your going through something like this. It's a tough situation. Think long and hard, and make a healthy decision. Especially for yourself. Your children will grow up and leave. Keep that in mind. It's all a matter of what you can live with. I give you credit for posting this here.
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Old 04-29-2009, 10:25 PM
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A couple repairing their relationship after an affair have a chance if both are SOBER, honest, open and willing.

Nyte, if he's not sober, you're all alone. We all are, with active addicts.

I believe God wants us to live authentic lives. For myself, I cannot and will not tolerate a dishonest situation. For myself, no more pretense. I want the outer life and the inner life to line up.

Your children have that sixth sense children always have....and they have surely sensed the incongruity in their parents' relationship... that words and actions were not matching up. Always a dark confusing cloud in the home.

Now you are living your truth and your bottom line values. So hold your head high. No shame or guilt. This is called: maturity.
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Old 04-29-2009, 11:25 PM
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You know I prayed and asked God that if "R" was going to change to change him and if he wasn't going to change to show me and then I said, Lord you know that if it is to be that "R" has to move out the door .. I'm going to need you to bring me jobs to provide for my family. I can't do this alone Lord, I need your help ... doesn't look as if he is changing as a matter of fact he has gotten worse.

He has had plenty of opportunities to do the right thing and he has blown every single one of them.

Yeah, I can forgive him, but I won't forget.

Oh, and btw the Lord has provided me with the jobs to provide for my family without "R's" help and with money left over. Pretty crystal clear if ya ask me. I won't be taking him back again.

Passion

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________

God Will Save Me!

There was an old man sitting on his porch listening to his radio while watching the rain fall. Over the radio came a loud warning siren and the announcer said ... "Evacuate the area! A Flood is coming!" Right after the warning the water started coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man moved to the second floor looking out the window, when a rescue boat came and the people on board said,"You can't stay here the flood is here!" Please come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, so the man climbed up onto the roof. This time a helicopter flew over head and through a loud speaker said "You are going to drown if you stay here! Please come with us!"

The old man again replied,"God will save me." So they flew off to get others stranded.

An hour later the water was up over the roof and sweeps the man into the flooding water, where he drowns and goes to heaven. When he awakens, he is extremely mad and disappointed. When he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "I Tried! I sent you a warning, then a boat, then a helicopter!!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___

I'm gettin' out while the gettin's good ----LOL-----Passion
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Old 04-29-2009, 11:43 PM
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Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
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Originally Posted by Angelic17 View Post
Why would the OW call you anyway? How'd she get your number? I wouldn't trust her for a minute. She doesn't have any morals anyway. I mean according to her, she is sleeping with a married man, and then calling his wife to put it in her face, and hurt her. Sometimes people makes mistakes. I am now referring to your husband. Is your marriage worth forgiving him, and trying to work through this? I mean, why should she win? She could be lying, just to win the man. Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see. I'm sorry your going through this Nyte. I went through this with my first husband. It sucks. I wouldn't give her the time of day. Change your number, and try to get the truth out of your man. It's pretty obvious that he is guilty. If he weren't she wouldn't be calling. Cheating is a deal breaker in marriage. ((((((((nyte))))))))
He made no mistake. He made a deliberate choice. He knew full well what he was doing. Both of them did, but of course I know he lied to her to get what he wanted. He is a pathological liar. The stuff she told me that he said about me and our marriage.. he has said to me ... she spoke he words that he fed her.

I have tried to save my marriage ...it didn't work. Now it is over and it is now time to save myself and my children.

I am free to focus on my children and the things I need to tend to for our lives and He is free to feel the consequences of his choices.

The word that comes to mind is "justice"

Passion
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:32 AM
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Passion, your reasons are valid and you are most certainly entitled to a better life than you have been living. I have always believed that children are better off with one happy parent than with two parents in a bad relationship.

You and your children have my prayers.

Hugs
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Old 04-30-2009, 11:38 AM
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Nyte, All of the best to you and your children. I had to let go of my sons father for the exact same reasons. He was a lying, drunking, cheat. My son was only an infant when I made that decision. I am now married to the best man on earth for 23 years. He has done so much for my son, and for me. He has always set a good example for my child. He has never lied to me, not come home, or come home stoned. It's a very happy marriage, and I wish you a man as good as the one I have now. You are a very positive person. Your children are very lucky to have you.
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Old 04-30-2009, 06:13 PM
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To begin, so very sorry for what is happening in your life. Your history of posts have been empowering for so many and you have touched so many lives, including mine... and I'm no chimp, my friend. But oh my, how empowering to have been granted your personal validation.

The disease of addiction is indeed cunning, baffling, and powerful. And for me and in my situation, I have lived the psychological and emotional pain wrought by the unknown... the wondering without validation/affirmation. In fact, I believe the greatest toil wrought upon family members/loved ones is the loss of trust/security in our own thinking. I know for me anyway, this is the greatest measure of recovery... to be able to self-actualize and live within our own value systems, despite the seemingly unending 'effects' of addiction. It is so very true that, "The truth shall set you free."

Even greater, however, is when I can acheive serenity, peace, and confidence in the absence of truth... and when living or having parted from an addict, we may never be granted the grace of truth. It is acceptance, without affirmation that may be most difficult. When the disease, "... loses it's power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.", in the absence of truth is when we have most combatted the effects of addiction. Sometimes, in a Higher Powers time, we may be offered the truth that ultimately frees us... but I'm glad such freedom is still available without getting what I want, right now. Thank you for demonstrating that freedom.

Thank you for your spiritual strength and thank you for sharing it so vulnerably. I will pray your path becomes easier to walk, granted you now have the affirmation so many seek.

With or without the truth, "Fill each minute with 60 seconds of distance run."

Many Blessings,
Shaman
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