I asked my boyfriend to move out...
Hollyce Jones
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Golden State of California
Posts: 77
I asked my boyfriend to move out...
About 160 days into my sobriety from alcohol, and I've asked my boyfriend to move out. There are several reasons behind this.
He's still an alcoholic... and while he doesn't get drunk every night, he still acts like an alcoholic... stuffing his feelings away... unwilling to share himself with me. This makes me resent him so much.
It's more complicated than just that, but I'm finding it difficult to describe the way that he is that just turns me off so much. Basically, we process differently, and have a different set of vocabulary and communication skills.
Of course he is crushed and flailing, trying to find a way to sever all his emotions that relate to Us. This in turn is crushing me... I hate that I am responsible for any pain he feels. It's my fault he's unhappy... that's what the codependent in me tries to convince me.
I simply cannot continue on in a relationship that encourages my tendencies towards being codependent.
This morning, my Guy found a moment to share with me, "And you made me get rid of my bowls."
Seriously?! How petty!!! Of course I cried, exclaiming, "They are just bowls, sweetie."
The way I see this whole mess is that we're NOT breaking up, we are creating space to work on ourselves. But I have this feeling, actually no... I KNOW he sees this as the beginning of the end of our relationship. How discouraging... his doubts make me want to not care, to stop being so positive and hopeful that we can get through this.
I'm so sad I could claw my eyes out.
He's still an alcoholic... and while he doesn't get drunk every night, he still acts like an alcoholic... stuffing his feelings away... unwilling to share himself with me. This makes me resent him so much.
It's more complicated than just that, but I'm finding it difficult to describe the way that he is that just turns me off so much. Basically, we process differently, and have a different set of vocabulary and communication skills.
Of course he is crushed and flailing, trying to find a way to sever all his emotions that relate to Us. This in turn is crushing me... I hate that I am responsible for any pain he feels. It's my fault he's unhappy... that's what the codependent in me tries to convince me.
I simply cannot continue on in a relationship that encourages my tendencies towards being codependent.
This morning, my Guy found a moment to share with me, "And you made me get rid of my bowls."
Seriously?! How petty!!! Of course I cried, exclaiming, "They are just bowls, sweetie."
The way I see this whole mess is that we're NOT breaking up, we are creating space to work on ourselves. But I have this feeling, actually no... I KNOW he sees this as the beginning of the end of our relationship. How discouraging... his doubts make me want to not care, to stop being so positive and hopeful that we can get through this.
I'm so sad I could claw my eyes out.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
....but you won't drink, right?! Congratulations on your 160 days!!! That is fantastic news!!!
If you both have been drinking since the moment your met, it's doubtful that you know the real him and he is just finding out about the real you. Having him move out may be just the time and space both of you need. You can continue to work on your own recovery, and he may, perhaps, just might, find his. If it is a relationship that is meant to be, then you two can get back together once you have worked on your own for a while.
Good luck with all the hard decisions ahead! Hugs and prayers, HG
If you both have been drinking since the moment your met, it's doubtful that you know the real him and he is just finding out about the real you. Having him move out may be just the time and space both of you need. You can continue to work on your own recovery, and he may, perhaps, just might, find his. If it is a relationship that is meant to be, then you two can get back together once you have worked on your own for a while.
Good luck with all the hard decisions ahead! Hugs and prayers, HG
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Basically, we process differently, and have a different set of vocabulary and communication skills.
Hollyce Jones
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Golden State of California
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by dgillz 
You're female, he's male. Of course you process differently and have different communication skill sets! You should expect this from ANY man you end up with, even the sober one you deserve.
When I was in college, I studied peace and conflict resolution along with mediation. I try to use my skills acquired through this learning experience in my life... with friends and family... and the only person who seems to think I am CRAZY is my boyfriend.
Nevertheless, being the hopeless optimist that I am, I continue to remain hopeful that we'll sort everything out for the better.
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