katie53

just an update.daughter came back to town yesterday. She was here for supper. After she said" can I take some lasagna with me". I said "where are you going?' She said the girl that picked her up said she could stay there. I don't think that's where she stayed. I feel it was at the exbf apt. But I said nothing (pat on the back) But, If I know for sure that she is not being honest with me, do I let her know it's a lie or say nothing at all? I really don't care where she stays or what her plans are, but I don't want to be lied to and let her think I fell out of tree yesterday! Can someone help me out on this one?

winnie12

why call her on a lie - what good does that ever do except create more lies, justifications and blame. my counselor just advised me to say "that's nice" when i heard the blatant lies because inevitably his lies caught up with him without any intereference from me.

sailorjohn

Have finally come to the conclusion that every attempt I made to wrestle the 'truth' out of her was just another attempt to control her disease. And ultimately, ridiculously frustrating and pointless.

sojourner

Here's how i look at it... if i would get to the bottom of things if i knew my 3-year-old was lying to me then my addicted loved one gets the same thing. The trick here is knowing absolutely for sure that you're being lied to. I really think an addict's plans and logic are like Swiss cheese - so full of holes. I think when my AS leaves my home he really does not know for sure where he's going to end up for the evening - you know, with cell phones and instant contact, plans change from minute to minute - if something better comes up on the way to somewhere, then plans change.

I think in the scenario you describe, it's not worth chasing down because your daughter is just flipping out an answer to your question without really thinking about it - addiction is by definition a severe form of attention deficit disorder!!!

But your question is how to respond. IMO, if you've got a situation that's serious (stealing, criminal behavior, etc) then that's the time to put energy into finding the truth and confronting her with the truth. Let's say you're missing money sitting on the table after she's visited. No one else has been in your house - i think it's called circumstantial evidence. Then confront her you should and don't back down even if she denies it.

My question for you is - did you give her the lasagna?

Momsrainbow

I think the addicts in our lives know when they are lying about something we know they are lying. Why call them on a lie, they will just lie again. JMO

lauren

Katie I think and this is just my opinion, when we give something to
someone whether it be a dinner, leftovers, a place to stay or a gift
of some sort..it is given..it doesn't belong to us any longer..now when
we start to regret what was given as being abused it means that we
need to take a deeper and longer look at ourselves of the why we feel
regret..to me it comes down to expectations of someone else and therefore
we either stop what we are doing because it is fruitless or we begin to see
that our "role" isn't as honourable as we thought it was.

Step back and figure out what is it that you want? Is it a reasonable
expectation from someone that has a total different outlook such as
your daughter and her addiction..is this unreasonable on "your part".

With my son and his addiction I've had to step back and understand that
this person is the shell of what once was..he will never, ever be the person
that my expectations expected so therefore I either accept him for what
he is or move into a new direction. This means if he were a stranger and
he is, would I tolerate for one minute or second his lifestyle..My answer to
me was a definite N O..

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions..this is one of those times for
you.

lauren

katie53

Thanks for the advice, opinions and most of all for support. I felt like "what difference does it make?" but didn't know if I should just go along with all she says or call her on it. She will bragg all the time about how the jail stint changed her life and she is happy that it happened as it changed her thoughts on drug use. No meetings or change in friends though. She has 3 yrs of probation ahead of her but i know that it will not stop an addict from using. If she is, well time will tell. By the way, yes, I gave her the lasagna as her daughter said " I'll get it, gramma"

Freedom1990

I don't call my oldest AD on her lies. I just view her as the Aflac duck quacking, and it goes in one ear and out the other with me.

Chino

You know you didn't fall out of a tree yesterday, right? Like others here have said, "what others think of me is none of my business."

outtolunch

These are words to live bye.

marle

I try not to ask my daughter questions that I know may provoke a lie. As long as your daughter is not living with you and you are not providing her with any monetary support, where she is living is her business. At least she is not living with you and you don't need to resume that front row seat in her addiction. Hugs, Marle

katie53

THE AFLACK DUCK,,, I love it!!! And this site. It has brought me to tears and also to giggles.

Freedom1990

I'm glad I made you giggle! I love the Aflac duck commercials. Humor is very important in my life and in my home.

Just ask my 20 year old. She's done things like draw purple eyebrows on me when I was sleeping!