What does this mean?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ottawa,Ontario
Posts: 55
What does this mean?
My husband has informed me he is in charge of his own recovery,that it is private.Do some people want to keep their own recovery private from their family? Or is it a ruse to get me to think he is doing it to get me to talk to him more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
IMO and experience.... probably means he thinks "I can handle it"... which probably means nothing will change. Unless by private he means he is seeking help, but doesn't want to discuss that right at the moment. Anyway.... the best thing you can do... just say that's great and take care of you?!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Recovery is learning to live a
day at a time with 12 steps to
guide us with willingness, open-
mindedness and honesty.
It takes time to regain trust in
people when the trust has been
lost.
Building a strong foundation in
recovery one has to take a step
at a time with trust
and honesty.
That way as his recovery grows
then the foundation will become
sturdy and thus make it for a long
lasting sobriety living happy joyous
and free from his addiction.
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcohol.
By the grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and u I am truely grateful.
Thanks for letting me share here.
day at a time with 12 steps to
guide us with willingness, open-
mindedness and honesty.
It takes time to regain trust in
people when the trust has been
lost.
Building a strong foundation in
recovery one has to take a step
at a time with trust
and honesty.
That way as his recovery grows
then the foundation will become
sturdy and thus make it for a long
lasting sobriety living happy joyous
and free from his addiction.
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcohol.
By the grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and u I am truely grateful.
Thanks for letting me share here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ottawa,Ontario
Posts: 55
We met at the store yesterday and I asked him if he has quit drugs.He said he is handling it and that he is on the road to recovery.But he wants to keep it private.I am thinking let him keep him private too as marriage is about sharing not hiding any part of it.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by katie89 
I asked him if he has quit drugs.He said he is handling it and that he is on the road to recovery.But he wants to keep it private.
On the road to recovery = handling it
Being on the road to recovery and walking down it are two different things.
Standing at the starting line and arrogantly snickering "I'm on the road" doesn't count.
Sounds to me like he is still having his cake and eating it to while trying to spoon feed you BS
He wants to keep you in the dark, but you have your SR family who are always there ready to hand you a flashlight and help guide you through
You are the one that is on the road to recovery .. difference between you and him .. YOUR WALKING DOWN THE PATH.
Don't eat what he is trying to feed you ... it taste like crap
Passion
Recovering Addict/Codependent
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd want to keep my 'recovery' private too if I were full of BS and had no intentions of getting clean.
How are your daughters doing? It concerns me to see you still spending so much time absorbed with what he is doing, or rather not doing, but wants you to think he is.
Have you made any Alanon meetings yet or read any codependent reading material?
How are your daughters doing? It concerns me to see you still spending so much time absorbed with what he is doing, or rather not doing, but wants you to think he is.
Have you made any Alanon meetings yet or read any codependent reading material?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
In my experience, three non-negotiable hallmarks of TRUE recovery are
The absence of any of these always siren to me that a person is quacking, not truly in recovery, and then I know what I'm dealing with, and what decisions I need to make. It's pretty simple, really, if you've ever hung around truly recovering people. You can tell.
And here's the caveat. They don't all have these three qualities right away, in recovery -- that takes hard work and a good sponsor and support network. But until they do develop them, I know it's my time to stay a distance, and let other recovering addicts be the ones close to them.
CLMI
- honesty
- transparency
- humility
And here's the caveat. They don't all have these three qualities right away, in recovery -- that takes hard work and a good sponsor and support network. But until they do develop them, I know it's my time to stay a distance, and let other recovering addicts be the ones close to them.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
What it means is...he is going to stop by himself, doesn't need any help, anyone telling him different. He is just going to slowly stop cutting back....ya right! He is not done yet, not ready to give it up totally.
My ah did the same, he didn't say he was going to keep it private, but everyone else had it all so wrong in how it is gone. Now the plan was, I was to keep the crack and just give him so much at certain times, gradually getting less and less....really I said just staring at him with a blank look.....are you Freakin Nuts Man! Well I guess he was, a cracked nut. HIs dad thought this was a great plan, way less stress on him in quitting....I just look at my father-in-law, you have to be kidding! No he said I think what he is saying is right. OK if you think it is such a good plan, you take him and dole out the crack and put your body guard on when he wants more and it isn't time yet!
Sweety just keep on with your own recovery!
Rose
My ah did the same, he didn't say he was going to keep it private, but everyone else had it all so wrong in how it is gone. Now the plan was, I was to keep the crack and just give him so much at certain times, gradually getting less and less....really I said just staring at him with a blank look.....are you Freakin Nuts Man! Well I guess he was, a cracked nut. HIs dad thought this was a great plan, way less stress on him in quitting....I just look at my father-in-law, you have to be kidding! No he said I think what he is saying is right. OK if you think it is such a good plan, you take him and dole out the crack and put your body guard on when he wants more and it isn't time yet!
Sweety just keep on with your own recovery!
Rose
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yes and no. I'm a recovering addict. And my recovery is my responsibility. I don't discuss it with non-addicts, because they just can't understand. However, anyone in an intimate relationship with me (if I had something like that, which I don't) would know I was in recovery. There would be no doubt. I:
Go to meetings almost daily
Talk to my sponsor most days
Talk to my recovery network daily
Take only my prescribed medication exactly as prescribed.
Drink no alcohol/take no street drugs or opiates of any kind.
Pray.
Work steps.
Go to conventions and other NA events.
I'm of service to newcomers and to NA.
Most of that stuff you can see, except the step work and the praying. I wouldn't talk to a non-addict spouse about it, though, I don't think. But I'm a fairly private and quiet person. But it is easy to tell if you open up your eyes. Recovery shines when you are working a program. You would know, Katie, he wouldn't have to tell you at all.
Love,
KJ
Go to meetings almost daily
Talk to my sponsor most days
Talk to my recovery network daily
Take only my prescribed medication exactly as prescribed.
Drink no alcohol/take no street drugs or opiates of any kind.
Pray.
Work steps.
Go to conventions and other NA events.
I'm of service to newcomers and to NA.
Most of that stuff you can see, except the step work and the praying. I wouldn't talk to a non-addict spouse about it, though, I don't think. But I'm a fairly private and quiet person. But it is easy to tell if you open up your eyes. Recovery shines when you are working a program. You would know, Katie, he wouldn't have to tell you at all.
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by kj3880
Recovery shines when you are working a program. You would know, Katie, he wouldn't have to tell you at all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Katie,
I agree that is a huge red flag. The only real answer that is acceptable is "Yes I quit drugs". Even then, as with any A, there is a believability factor.
Best of luck in what you decide to do.
I agree that is a huge red flag. The only real answer that is acceptable is "Yes I quit drugs". Even then, as with any A, there is a believability factor.
Best of luck in what you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
It's kind of coincidental that recently a newcomer girl that calls me a lot told me that she shares all her step work with her b/f. Yikes! I can't imagine doing that. I tried to talk to her about this:
I explained that eventually she's going to probably get into some stuff from her past that she may not want him to know about, maybe sexual stuff, or something, and knowing that he is going to be reading it may inhibit her writing.
I also think it's asking too much of a partner to be your sponsor and your b/f! I mean, really, no one person call fill all of our social needs.
My other point was that her partner is a man and she is a woman. We just aren't the same. And a man cannot be that good at showing you how to be an awesome woman in recovery, that's one reason we have same-sex sponsors.
One more tiny point: What if, Heaven Forfend, you break up? If you were treating your ex as your sponsor, this is going to be a pretty tough time for you, losing your partner and sponsor in one fell swoop! Ugh! Setting yourself up for a relapse if that occurs.
Anyway, so many reasons that we need a network, not just a good life partner in recovery! I guess this has gone a bit off-topic, sorry!
Love,
KJ
I explained that eventually she's going to probably get into some stuff from her past that she may not want him to know about, maybe sexual stuff, or something, and knowing that he is going to be reading it may inhibit her writing.
I also think it's asking too much of a partner to be your sponsor and your b/f! I mean, really, no one person call fill all of our social needs.
My other point was that her partner is a man and she is a woman. We just aren't the same. And a man cannot be that good at showing you how to be an awesome woman in recovery, that's one reason we have same-sex sponsors.
One more tiny point: What if, Heaven Forfend, you break up? If you were treating your ex as your sponsor, this is going to be a pretty tough time for you, losing your partner and sponsor in one fell swoop! Ugh! Setting yourself up for a relapse if that occurs.
Anyway, so many reasons that we need a network, not just a good life partner in recovery! I guess this has gone a bit off-topic, sorry!
Love,
KJ
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ottawa,Ontario
Posts: 55
He is mad that his 4 daughters that live with me do not want to see him,I have informed him that once I know he is straight he may come for supper one night.After I know he isn't using as I do not want drug addicts around my children.They are 14 and 16 years old.The elder two are 24 and 19.They do not want to see him either.He looks better then I have seen him in quite a while,but there is no history of him being drug free.So there is no trust.Thank you all for your insights as I feel I have many friends on here who know the manipulative ways of a addict.I every once in a while think wouldn't it be nice...But I also know I have to take care of my kids.They come first.Maybe in time I will talk to him again,may have to get call screen on my phone though so he quits calling me all day,rehashing old feelings is not want I need right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by katie89
He is mad that his 4 daughters that live with me do not want to see him
I would really recommend going no contact with him for awhile because I can see it gets your mind going. You can't be there fully on an emotional level for your daughters if you keep getting caught up in his quacking.
I left my EXAH back before caller ID was invented, but I guarantee I finally got to the point I would hang up on him as soon as I heard his voice because talking to him would send me into a tailspin for days!
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