Godsgirl

Hi All,

Just wanted to vent a little. My last two attempts of detachment from ABF with longer stretches of time worked fairly well, allowed me to focus more on me and the kids, but it seems I have gotten more bitter and angry at myself and ABF as time goes on....angry that I still allowed him to visit twice briefly just to observe his behavior.... angry that he was angry about my desire to not let him touch me...angry at him for missing my birthday yesterday even though things are not the same.

I had not opened his e-mails or personal messages or answered calls for some time but was angry he did not call to at least say happy birthday. He replied that I had been so mean to him and he acted accordingly. I told him.."keep your dopamine-depleted thoughts to yourself and keep staying away" (I felt awful afterwards because I still love him)...he only replied "sticks and stones, i'm smart, employed, semi-good looking, and believe me I can find someone to be sweet to."

At any rate, its amazing how anger after a long while of no contact can still make me say things to hurt him when I'm still hurting....Good news is as time goes on with no contact, things seem to be painfully but slowly getting better. I just try to remind myself of all the painful drama of neglect, hurtful words, lies, deception, him always broke, mooching off me for food after coming down...etc.

Peace 2 all,

GG

Freedom1990

I'm confused. What is your relationship currently with him? You mentioned no contact?

Impurrfect

((Godsgirl))

It sounds, to me, like you still have some expectations on his behavior? Like you're upset that he didn't call on your birthday.

Although it does take time, the best way to work the no-contact thing is to have no expectations of him or his behavior. That way you won't be disappointed.

I understand, though. It takes time to work through the feelings, and anger, frustration, sadness, etc. - those are just some of the feelings.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Godsgirl

Thanks Impurrfect and Freedom...He is my boyfriend (high school sweetheart of 30 years/alcoholic and polysubstance abuser)...the love of my life ...the love I have to let go now...its just sooo painful.

katie89

I am where you are right now. I remember this song "whats love got to do with it.Everything I thought......love can conquer all.In my dreams

cessy68

Hey GG,
I can't offer any words that will tell you how to handle these feelings, however, they are the kind of feelings that caused me to take my abf back again and again.

Even this week, if you read my post.

However, what I do believe about my feelings, is probably the same for you. Sometimes, we push people out and away, not because we are reeeeallly done with it /them, but in the back of our minds, we are still hopeful for some type of enlightenment on there part. That they will part the sea, and come running with roses, cake, and candles on our birthday, (so that perhaps we can feel loved, and not taken for granted. Or perhaps that we know they feel remorseful, or that they are willing to 'show' some kind of glimps of the person we fell in love with).

When it dosen't happen, our expectations, (that we may not even be concious of) gets so let down, that anger is the easier route, instead of pain.

The pain just hurts to the core, when you haven't 'truely' let go.....
Just my humble opinion....
Hugs,
love,
cess
P.s.--- happy birthday to a felow aries gal!!! We have the fire in us, just as the stars say!

ItsmeAlice

GG - I get where you are coming from.

I've worked on detaching from my ABF since starting my own recovery. We still live together so keeping things civil is a necessary requirement.

I struggle with keeping my focus and not always worrying about what he's doing when he's not home, if he's drinking, how much he's drinking, and how I should respond if at all.

The longer I let myself swim in his drama, the angrier and more agitated I become. Back at the beginning of the month I finally posted a thread looking for advice on how to keep my focus, and everyone here was so helpful. A few of the more comforting things I read were about giving myself patience and time.

I so glad you are seeing things change as you process your feelings. Keep up the great work!!!!

Alice

winnie12

The only way i ever found of getting over the anger and resentment was to forgive those who harmed me. whether they asked for it or not. Its not easy and it doesnt come all at once but once you can truly forgive them then the pain releases from your heart. without that forgiveness the anger will fester and you will become bitter. You are not doing it for him and you dont even have to tell him but you can still forgive him and then you are able to go on with your life without any expectations. If you are still hurt that he isnt bieng considerate of you then you are still hanging on to a thread of hope that things will change - i'm not saying you should or shouldnt do that but as long as you cling to that little bit of hope its going to be impossible for you to not be hurt when he lets you down. Detachment is not just not answering calls, or emails - its emotionally detaching from them - its when you get to the point that what they do or dont do has no effect on you. One thing i've learned is that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference - its when you dont feel any emotion towards someone. So my ex who hurt me terrible and treated me worse then anyone ever has i just feel indifferent towards - i dont wish him harm but i dont think about him and not even once does the thought cross my mind of what it would take for us to get back together because those days are gone - i expect nothing from him and will be perfectly fine if i never hear his voice again. Oh and yes I thought he was the love of my life too - I think of him now as just the love in a chapter of my life so that i dont doom myself to have pain over him forever. Once you really close that chapter and start writing a new chapter this stuff wont hurt.

Godsgirl

Thanks to you all...I needed every reply, it motivates me to not let any contact trickle in during my detachment. My daughter was signed on to ***** and he had left a personal message that he passed 100% on his job evaluation. I typed congrats and signed off. Why do I keep it open....well I guess like Anvil said, it meets some kind of need in me to be needed I guess. At any rate, thanks again to you all.

Love and Hugs,
GG