Codependency article; worth reading!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Codependency article; worth reading!
I found this article on another site, and it's such a good article, I wanted to share it with you all. Although I've been working for years on my codependent issues, like the author, I really have to have a handy reminder to keep my codependent behaviors in check. She has her red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in the closet. Now that my son is out of prison again, it's time for me to start wearing my Ruby Recovery Ring again. 
Codependency: I am She as You are He as You are Me and We are All Together | Depression On My Mind
Do any of you have a physical reminder to keep your codependency behaviors in check?
Or is there any other feedback you'd like to share about this article?
Shalom!
Codependency: I am She as You are He as You are Me and We are All Together
By Christine Stapleton
April 17, 2009
Where do I end and you begin?
You could be a stranger and I would not know. Your problems are mine. Your consequences are my challenges. “I will take care of that.” ”You don’t have to worry about it.” ” Lemme see what I can do.”
This is my codependency. It is masked in selflessness and martyrdom. “Go ahead. I didn’t want it anyway.” “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” “I would never think of…”
I will offer advice and directions when you don’t want it. I will push and pull you at the same time. I am like a tick - I will dig my fingernails into your psyche and suck out your free will. No matter what you do to me, you cannot get rid of me. I will mask all my demands in good intentions. I will take care of all your needs — even the ones you do not know you have — and you will feel guilty. I will mirror your feelings.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough. You will embarrass me if you praise me. I will resent you if you don’t let me help. I will never ask ask for anything and I will lavish gifts and favors on you. “Let’s do what you want to do.” “Why don’t we go to your favorite restaurant?” “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”
Someday I’m gonna make some man a wonderful doormat.
I had heard about codependency. It sounded like psycho-babble. Then, on April 27, 2006, I fell into the darkest hole I could have imagined. To get out I needed medicine and a new way of living. Not just eating better and getting more exercise. I needed a new paradigm. I needed to be willing to accept that my good deeds were often bad. My right was wrong. Your free-will was not mine. And God forbid - I deserved more.
I went to co-dependency camp at a treatment center. The cost was about $3,000 (including airfare) and I had never spent that much money on myself. I cringed with guilt. I was scared. It was excruciating but thrilling work. It was as if the clouds had parted and I could see what a complete #$%&@^ I had been. I could also see that I deserved more - like those red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos at Nordstrom and maybe even a manicure! Wow.
Three years later I am still working on my codependency. I will will never stop. But today I recognize my codependency. I stop those old behaviors before they get out of hand. I ask my friends to help me. I keep the red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in my closet. Sometimes I wear them for no reason at all. I deserve it.
Christine Stapleton has been a reporter for The Palm Beach Post for 23 years and in 2006, began writing a column entitled, Kicking Depression.
By Christine Stapleton
April 17, 2009
Where do I end and you begin?
You could be a stranger and I would not know. Your problems are mine. Your consequences are my challenges. “I will take care of that.” ”You don’t have to worry about it.” ” Lemme see what I can do.”
This is my codependency. It is masked in selflessness and martyrdom. “Go ahead. I didn’t want it anyway.” “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” “I would never think of…”
I will offer advice and directions when you don’t want it. I will push and pull you at the same time. I am like a tick - I will dig my fingernails into your psyche and suck out your free will. No matter what you do to me, you cannot get rid of me. I will mask all my demands in good intentions. I will take care of all your needs — even the ones you do not know you have — and you will feel guilty. I will mirror your feelings.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough. You will embarrass me if you praise me. I will resent you if you don’t let me help. I will never ask ask for anything and I will lavish gifts and favors on you. “Let’s do what you want to do.” “Why don’t we go to your favorite restaurant?” “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”
Someday I’m gonna make some man a wonderful doormat.
I had heard about codependency. It sounded like psycho-babble. Then, on April 27, 2006, I fell into the darkest hole I could have imagined. To get out I needed medicine and a new way of living. Not just eating better and getting more exercise. I needed a new paradigm. I needed to be willing to accept that my good deeds were often bad. My right was wrong. Your free-will was not mine. And God forbid - I deserved more.
I went to co-dependency camp at a treatment center. The cost was about $3,000 (including airfare) and I had never spent that much money on myself. I cringed with guilt. I was scared. It was excruciating but thrilling work. It was as if the clouds had parted and I could see what a complete #$%&@^ I had been. I could also see that I deserved more - like those red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos at Nordstrom and maybe even a manicure! Wow.
Three years later I am still working on my codependency. I will will never stop. But today I recognize my codependency. I stop those old behaviors before they get out of hand. I ask my friends to help me. I keep the red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in my closet. Sometimes I wear them for no reason at all. I deserve it.
Christine Stapleton has been a reporter for The Palm Beach Post for 23 years and in 2006, began writing a column entitled, Kicking Depression.
Do any of you have a physical reminder to keep your codependency behaviors in check?
Or is there any other feedback you'd like to share about this article?
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Before I began recovering I too, thought co-dependency didn't apply to me very much. Of course, I've since learned otherwise and have been very humbled and remain so.
Co-dependency can begin subtly, can develop over time until one day it's the monster haunting all your decisions ... even in spite of your best intentions.
I am an intelligent, mature person. How did it happen to me? LOL <gallows laugh>
Its effects are insidious. Living with alcohol/addiction without knowing what it was; living with emotional abuse along with it ... not ever having known it in such a way before. I wasn't prepared; I was very naive. I thought it was something an intelligent person could conquer. I had no idea what beast I was wrestling with -- until it was too late and I was well sucked in.
Now I have a physical reminder of my codependency that I never had until mid-adulthood. It's the excess weight I carry on this body and the food addiction I've developed in an attempt to comfort my self. I've joined the addict with my own addiction. Despite intense step-work and sponsorship it remains like a yoke around my neck.
Co-dependency can begin subtly, can develop over time until one day it's the monster haunting all your decisions ... even in spite of your best intentions.
I am an intelligent, mature person. How did it happen to me? LOL <gallows laugh>
Its effects are insidious. Living with alcohol/addiction without knowing what it was; living with emotional abuse along with it ... not ever having known it in such a way before. I wasn't prepared; I was very naive. I thought it was something an intelligent person could conquer. I had no idea what beast I was wrestling with -- until it was too late and I was well sucked in.
Now I have a physical reminder of my codependency that I never had until mid-adulthood. It's the excess weight I carry on this body and the food addiction I've developed in an attempt to comfort my self. I've joined the addict with my own addiction. Despite intense step-work and sponsorship it remains like a yoke around my neck.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Do any of you have a physical reminder to keep your codependency behaviors in check?
I have a gold "angel" charm bracelet that I wear to protect me from slipping into old codie behaviour. It began when my sponsor gave me an angel charm for my 2 year recovery birthday, on a night when my son went missing. That was the first time I did not go running around town looking for him, driving places no mama ought ever go. I just hung on to that angel charm and prayed for God to keep me grounded.
One charm turned into a bracelet, and more angels were added through the years and now that charm bracelet represents more to me than any other piece of jewellery.
Thanks for this nudge, I believe I will wear that bracelet today just in gratitute for all the reminders it has given me.
Hugs
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