Angelic17

Jason, it is totally normal to miss your dad. Even though he was an addict, and his addiction caused you worry and pain, he was still your dad, and you loved him and spent 17 years of your life with him. Even when parents are addicts, or abusers, they are all their children know, and when they are not there anymore,the children will miss them. It's totally normal to feel what your feeling. My mom was an alcoholic, and when she died I missed her terribly. I hated her alcoholism, but I loved her. It's all normal Jason. Your life will get better. Just give your self some time to grieve, and time to adjust to your new surroundings, with out all the screaming. You will be able to focus on your recovery much better, with out the yelling and screaming. I'm proud of you kid.

outtolunch

I have been reading the circle thread. It sounds like a mom who is very, very afraid of losing another person she loves, to drugs.

This mother knows that addicts lie and manipulate. She's afraid and she's angry about what she cannot control. Mother found a pill and flipped out about it. She's not easily convinced of the truth. Most of us who have spent time with people we care about, who are addicted to drugs, tend to be skeptical.

The two of them got into it. Both are doing a lot of extreme, all or nothing thinking, common in emotional situations. He left and rationalized using again.

The social worker thing baffles me and there is obviously more to the story and it's none of my business. I do not get a sense of physical abuse. I do not get a sense that she is withholding food or shelter. Maybe I am missing something. She has anger issues and says things that hurt her children. It's clearly dysfunctional. So are most family situations under similar circumstances.

Heroin destroyed her family. Her ex husband, the father of her children, recently died of an overdose. Her son has a thing with pills. No doubt this was not how she thought her life was going to turn out. She might feel she caused it. She might feel she could have controlled it. Heck she might even feel she should have cured it if only she had done something different. And yeah, she's angry.

She seems like many of us, who come to this forum, and the Anons in general, looking for support and the strength to let go.

Maggiemac

Jason it is grief you lost your dad and in a way you lost your mother to. Jason I wish nothing but the best for you my young friend.

Your friend
Maggiemac

Chino

His mother abandoned him to his addict father.

JustAYak

Thank you for all your replies, they mean a lot to me and give me another reason not to use.. I would not like to disappoint you all here now would I? :ghug2

Outtolunch, yes, she does carry plenty of anger, grief, guilt, shame, I'm sure, but I could never ever compare her to any of you. I'm not sure what thread you're referring too by the "circle" thread (Running in Circles?), but if you look at the one in Substance Abuse forum, near the end of the old one ("Not doing so hot..") or the newer one (Jason's Chain of Love) you would get the picture. She was doing nothing but insults, purposely for her benefit. By that definition, that would be verbal abuse and later I would find out she'd been borderline physically abusing (throwing things) my younger sister while I was living with my dad the last 2 years. Sooo, yeah, you're missing a big part of the picture <_<

greeteachday

((((Jason)))) There's not much I can add to all the wisdom here but I do want you to know that I am thinking of you and Kirby and that you are not walking this grief journey alone. I don't know whether your feelings are codependent or not; I don't know if it matters...I imagine they are part of going through the grieving process, both for losing your dad and your mom too. I think no matter how dysfunctional or tough things may be, if they are all we know as we grow up, that is our "normal."

I imagine for quite some time your body/brain has been in survival mode...Doing what you have to do while so much was going on around and to you. Now that you are in a safe place and can breath, I think the feelings are probably starting to surface. It's okay to feel them, Jason. It's okay to feel uncomfortable with "normal" since this normal isn't the normal you are used to. I found when working through the extreme pain of loss, that sometimes I had to just take those feelings out for a little while and sit with them and then sort of put them back away for awhile...It was just too hard to deal with it all at once. I don't know if that makes sense or not...

Anyway, just know we care, and I am sending lots of cyber hugs too.

winnie12

Jason, i dont think this is co-dependant, I think its just too soon to be "over" all of this. it seems like it was just yesterday that you posted of your father's death and a minute ago that you got out of your mom's house. I know that when we are younger that time is slower - a day in my life when i was 17 was like a month in my life now (gawd that makes me sound old) so telling you that it takes time is probably much easier for me to say then for you to do. But it does take time - lots of time to get over pain. You wont wake up tomorrow and be over it. But each day it gets a little better and a little easier and in time, even though we never forget, we do learn to live with it and think of it without so much pain. Sometimes, like right now in my life, I have to just stop and realize that i'm in a great deal of pain but it will go away - I try to be patient with myself and know that even though I may have some scars that they wont hurt forever. If i try to rush the healing process then sometimes i make it hurt longer so grieve and feel what you feel without any excuses to anyone and without running away from it to a high that is just a trick you play on your mind.

outtolunch

I remember your initial posts, quite well.

Back when...mom took you and sis to nar-Anon, while your dad got clean. He relapsed, the pattern the lying and stealing, followed.

I also recall your perceptions of her departure..."She did not want to deal with her husband's addiction. She did not want to be supportive....She thought it hopeless and he was not going to change".

Is it possible that somewhere, deep inside, you blame her?....what if and all that. What if she stayed? What if she remained supportive? What if she maintained hope and lived with someone in active addiction? And oh yeah...what if she could overlook the lies and stealing that comes with heroin addiction?

There is not a poster on this forum who has not blamed someone or something for their loved one's addiction, many, many times. It takes time, a lot of time, to grasp that some people just want to be high. It's not personal. And a drug like heroin is the top dog. Nothing else matters.

Your sister then found your pills and showed your mother and I infer, something snapped, and she took your sister and left. Is it far-fetched she was thinking the apple does not fall far from the tree....like father, like son?

And while this was going on, you were getting your self addicted to speed and the trips down LSD lane, not quite grasping what was so bad about getting high......was it possible you were at the time, identifying with your dad....I mean a high feels good. What's the problem?

There is no doubt your mom's life and family did not turn out as she expected. She was not able to control her husband's addiction. She was not able to prevent you from getting into drugs. This is the kind of stuff, if left to fester, that can eat your soul and turn one into a raging whack job.

When you moved in with your mom, she made clear the consequences, if you used drugs. A pill was found. The big show down happened. She imposed the consequences. You felt abandoned.

And then being stressed out by it all, you swallowed some pills. <sigh>

Your whole family has been traumatized by drugs and addiction. It's more than any family should have to go through. Addiction robbed everyone of what mattered, the most.

I am staying out on the limb, here and holding that your mom has much in common with many, here who have seen their family's traumatized and destroyed by drugs and addiction and are at a loss as to how to cope.

Blame, resentment, hurt, pain, anger and rage are very much a part of the threads on this forum.

helpformyson

Jason,
Even under the best of conditions, loosing a loved one is painful. Loosing a parent is very hard because it truly changes the dynamics of life. Please know that in time, wounds do heal, the raw feelings become less raw. You will always love and miss your dad (as I do my mom), but it does become easier with time. The holidays are usually still difficult, but during those times, surround yourself with people who are positive and caring. It does get better. I am so proud of you and wish that my son had your strength. It is inspiring and I thank you.

Chino

I respectfully disagree. Forcing a juvenile addict to go live with their addict father is not someone trying to cope. That's someone trying to get rid of their legal and moral responsibility. That's abandonment.

My mother was abandoned. I was abandoned. My cousin was abandoned. There are more family members that have been abandoned. Because of Jason's story, I spent the last two months with my therapist finally mourning the loss of my mother, something that happened many years ago.

Whatever her reasons were, just as with Jason's mother, they belong 100% to her and she gets full ownership of them. Understanding why doesn't change the action and the only thing I have ownership of is my reaction.

outtolunch

There are as many perspectives to a given family's story as there are family members. This is true in all families.

There is nothing legal or moral about drug addiction and it destroys families, everyday, everywhere.

This forum is testimony to this as well as the power within us all, to heal and beat the beast.

kj3880

I think you will get better with time, in fact healing happens quicker when we deal with feelings. We can only do that when we aren't giving in to our cravings to use to make those feelings go away. You sound like you are doing good for where you are at in life. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Are you going to any meetings now?

Love,
KJ

MyJoey

Jason,

There is tons of good wisdom here. I just wanted to send some hugs and support. Julie

JustAYak

You're damn right I blame her for some things, I wouldn't be human if I didn't, but my addiction is not one of them. At least I have the guts to own up to the fact that my addiction is mine, nobody else's, I caused it and I have to get rid of it. I would not be able to be in recovery if I blamed her for my drug use, I would just have an excuse to use if I blamed her for it.

You're missing a lot of the story here, you are totally disregarding everything else and just focusing on this one part. First of all, when she kicked me out (it was illegal because I'm a minor might I mention) she was doing it for false reasons, I had her drug test me, I came up clean, but she had the one pill, therefore she kicked me out anyways. However, I highly doubt you have done anything like my mother. I'm assuming you have children so let me ask you a few things...Have you yelled at them? Sure. Have you chewed them out for 20 minutes straight? It's possible. Have you told them they are "nothing" or "a worthless piece of society"? I highly doubt it. Have you thrown things at them? I don't think so. You can relate to her feelings but you cannot relate to her actions so sorry, but I'm not gonna have you sit here and defend her actions. You can talk about her emotions all you want because I believe those are true, but her actions were undeniably wrong.

winnie12

There are things that are our own fault like addiction. There are things that are imposed on us that are someone else's fault like abandonment. Knowing what is our responsibility and what is someone else's responsibility to us is wisdom. Your mother DID have a responsibility to you - its not her fault you choose to get high but it is her fault for not being a mother. My son is much further into his addiction then i think you ever got - not saying who did more drugs just that he ran head first and has never looked back and never wanted a change. That doesnt mean i abandon him - I'm his mother, I chose to bring him into this world and until he is an adult i am responsible for him - there is no choice in the matter because i am legally and moreso i'm morally responsible to him as his mother. Sometimes i want to run but i could never live with myself if i did. I cannot tell you how many times i've read your posts and cried being envious that you wanted sobriety. If my son had 1/10th of the desire to change as you do then i would be able to hold onto the hope that he could have a life.

Sometimes, Jason, you are so theraputic for me because you give me hope that maybe someday my son want the same things as you and want life again. you just hang in there because you can make it. The offer to adopt you is always open!!!!

kj3880

Jason,
Are you going to meetings? Just checking, one addict to another...lol.
KJ

rayofsunshine

:ghug2 Jason

I think you are grieving for your dad now that the chaos with your mom has settled down somewhat. The quiet times you have now give your mind a chance to "think" alot now.

I saw on the news today about the 10th anniversary of the columbine shootings. The girl who lost a good friend that day summed it up well... you never have "peace" about the untimely death of a loved one .. but you can move forward.

And the only way to move forward is to deal with your feelings ... just know it's a process... it takes time.. sometimes a few months. But it will get better ... just make sure to do little things each day to take care of you! Exercise helps too .. so keep walking the yappy dog! LOL

Sending good thoughts your way today for the meeting with your mom. I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs.

Love,
Ray

Chino

That is what we'd share with anyone who came in this forum seeking recovery from co-dependency. We'd advise them to focus on themselves, not the other person. We'd tell them they can't control it, they can't cure it, and they sure as hell didn't cause it.

Jason, something my therapist asked me that made me come to a screeching halt: How did you know it was wrong? He asked that because there's a long history of abandonment on that side of my family, and I didn't do it with my daughter when times got rough. I sure thought about it but I fought it. I literally felt like I was torn in two!

The answer is long and complex, but it basically came down to stronger influences than my mother. The old classic nature vs nurture battle. My dad and his side of the family was my stronger influence from before the time I was born (nature and nurture).

Your nature seems to have a really good grasp of right vs wrong, and thankfully it's stronger than the nurturing you got from your mom. Maybe there's a silver lining in all this?

Serenity Bound

Jason, I believe that what you are going thru is normal...the grieving process. I believe it differs for you because not only are you grieving for your Dad, but you are also grieving for the loss of your mothers love. I believe in detachment, but to abandon a minor just doesn't sit right with me. However, that is her issue, not yours. You continue to show a strength for someone so young that will clearly define your future.

Perhaps a grief counselor would be a good choice. Either way, know that what you are feeling right now is normal to the grieving process. Keep up the good work in your recovery.

Hugs,
Chris

JustAYak

Kinda sorta kj. I've found that I can't really get into the NA meetings so I went to a smart meeting yesterday for the first time.. I liked it better but it's over an hour away soo.. I'm gonna have to figure it out.

Thank you all for your support :ghug2