I thought I was gettin better....
<------me on my 50th. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Cessy,
Gosh I remember this feeling you are having now. I remember sharing about it with my friends in recovery just a few months ago. One of them said: "I guess you aren't done signing up for this misery, yet, huh?"
So true, and so sad that we sometimes don't feel our own needs and wants are important enough to protect ourselves from this type of manipulation. When you are done, you will be done...not for 6 days or two weeks, or even a year...you will be done...and that will be sweet relief!
It's up to you to decide when you want to create this whole new better, kinda scary, all alone for a bit, wonderful, totally based on your needs, life. Frankly, I don't see a need to put it off one second more. But it is your decision. I pray you have the strength to get yourself free sooner rather than later, dear. It is so nice over on this side!
Were those six days without his chaotic presence really so bad and empty, or did you just feel guilty about being happy and free? I don't think you will be able to stay free until you go no contact because his words still have such an influence on you and you still have some love for him. Next time you find the strength to ask him to leave, consider going no-contact, for your sanity and peace-of-mind.
And Cessy? A slip doesn't mean you have to stay stuck down there. You can get right back on the wagon any time. (now sounds good to me!)
Love,
KJ
Gosh I remember this feeling you are having now. I remember sharing about it with my friends in recovery just a few months ago. One of them said: "I guess you aren't done signing up for this misery, yet, huh?"
So true, and so sad that we sometimes don't feel our own needs and wants are important enough to protect ourselves from this type of manipulation. When you are done, you will be done...not for 6 days or two weeks, or even a year...you will be done...and that will be sweet relief!
It's up to you to decide when you want to create this whole new better, kinda scary, all alone for a bit, wonderful, totally based on your needs, life. Frankly, I don't see a need to put it off one second more. But it is your decision. I pray you have the strength to get yourself free sooner rather than later, dear. It is so nice over on this side!
Were those six days without his chaotic presence really so bad and empty, or did you just feel guilty about being happy and free? I don't think you will be able to stay free until you go no contact because his words still have such an influence on you and you still have some love for him. Next time you find the strength to ask him to leave, consider going no-contact, for your sanity and peace-of-mind.
And Cessy? A slip doesn't mean you have to stay stuck down there. You can get right back on the wagon any time. (now sounds good to me!)
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Cessy :ghug3
Please stop mentally beating yourself up. Your posts made me sad because you were so down on yourself. PLEASE STOP THAT!!!
Your getting the program, just the fact that you are here proves that. I think everybody has to move at their own pace. And I do think it is a fact that when we are SOsick and tired of being SO sick and tired we will do what we have to do. It's that powerlessness that we have problems admitting, and handing it to a HP. JMO!
Just keep asking yourself if this is the way you want to live. The answers will come to you.
Please be a littler easier on yourself.
Hugs
Gotahavfaith
Please stop mentally beating yourself up. Your posts made me sad because you were so down on yourself. PLEASE STOP THAT!!!
Your getting the program, just the fact that you are here proves that. I think everybody has to move at their own pace. And I do think it is a fact that when we are SOsick and tired of being SO sick and tired we will do what we have to do. It's that powerlessness that we have problems admitting, and handing it to a HP. JMO!
Just keep asking yourself if this is the way you want to live. The answers will come to you.
Please be a littler easier on yourself.
Hugs
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by cessy68 
"next time maybe you will make it ten, or 20, or 30.... or forever, keep trying to remove yourself, keep listening to your innerself, and you will find your way out."..... Kinda like the baby steps you all have been talking about.
as for turning 40 HAPPY BIRTHDAY - but its not a mid-life crisis, women are in their prime at 40 so embrace it and become the woman you want to be full of wisdom and grace. I know i am so much better at 40 then I was at 30 - I look back at who i was and i know i've grown a great deal and have a lot more to offer now then when i was younger.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Good morning all,
Thanks again for the support. Perhaps i should try to find a group out here where I live, to have that kind of support in person, I think that may help.
I will try not to beat on myself anymore.... (that is a very hard part for me....) and I am aware of how much I do it.
It's all about what level of respect you want for yourself, and I know the rule: How you treat you is how everyone else will.... It's just what the universe hears, regardless if you verbalize it or not.
It's kinda like when I was with my very insightful friend yesterday. (by the way, which my abf attempted to make me feel guilty about... He said when I got home, "you went to lunch for 4hrs with a GUY, and I'm not supposed to get upset??????" Urgh. I wanted to say, "when you abandon our relationship and use drugs am I supposed to not get upset?".... but I figured why bother!)
Anyhow, when I was with my friend, a waitress came over to the table, took our order, and my friend, (who goes to this resturant frequently) said to the girl (in her 20's) "I'm sorry, what was your name?" and the girl said "rachel...". My friend responded, "o.k., sorry, I should have known that, but I was thinking, Racquell." The waitress said to him, "Thats fine, call me whatever..." and smiled. My friend and I looked at each other, and he said to her what I was thinking,
"your name is Rachel, that is how I will adress you. By your name, and don't settle for people calling you "whatever".
It struck both of us, because if you settle in life, (friends, or co workers, etc.) to call you whatever.... it was like saying she just had no sense of self.
I remember being like that in my 20's . Hopefully 40's brings a whole different perspective, on everything.
Hopefully I will grow enough to take what I know and push through the fear, and really make it happen.
Hope you all have a marvelous day.
Love,
cess
Thanks again for the support. Perhaps i should try to find a group out here where I live, to have that kind of support in person, I think that may help.
I will try not to beat on myself anymore.... (that is a very hard part for me....) and I am aware of how much I do it.
It's all about what level of respect you want for yourself, and I know the rule: How you treat you is how everyone else will.... It's just what the universe hears, regardless if you verbalize it or not.
It's kinda like when I was with my very insightful friend yesterday. (by the way, which my abf attempted to make me feel guilty about... He said when I got home, "you went to lunch for 4hrs with a GUY, and I'm not supposed to get upset??????" Urgh. I wanted to say, "when you abandon our relationship and use drugs am I supposed to not get upset?".... but I figured why bother!)
Anyhow, when I was with my friend, a waitress came over to the table, took our order, and my friend, (who goes to this resturant frequently) said to the girl (in her 20's) "I'm sorry, what was your name?" and the girl said "rachel...". My friend responded, "o.k., sorry, I should have known that, but I was thinking, Racquell." The waitress said to him, "Thats fine, call me whatever..." and smiled. My friend and I looked at each other, and he said to her what I was thinking,
"your name is Rachel, that is how I will adress you. By your name, and don't settle for people calling you "whatever".
It struck both of us, because if you settle in life, (friends, or co workers, etc.) to call you whatever.... it was like saying she just had no sense of self.
I remember being like that in my 20's . Hopefully 40's brings a whole different perspective, on everything.
Hopefully I will grow enough to take what I know and push through the fear, and really make it happen.
Hope you all have a marvelous day.
Love,
cess
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
The bad news I have for you is that...The 40's don't bring on an instant change in perspective at all. I've known many foolish, self-deluded, codie and addicts in their 40s, 50's and beyond.
The good news I have for you is that...The work of recovery does bring on that whole different perspective that you are seeking.
And that can happen at any age. Whenever you choose to do it. When we choose to be true to ourselves and and insist people treat us the way we deserve, or leave them alone if they do not, we get what we want out of life.
Still working on it. Acting as if for now--
Love,
KJ
The good news I have for you is that...The work of recovery does bring on that whole different perspective that you are seeking.
And that can happen at any age. Whenever you choose to do it. When we choose to be true to ourselves and and insist people treat us the way we deserve, or leave them alone if they do not, we get what we want out of life.
Still working on it. Acting as if for now--
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Cess,
I went to my first al anon meeting the other night. I was scared to death. Terrified. Dont really know why but I kept thinking I dont belong here. But when I listened to everyone talk about their stories instantly I felt no I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
We who deal with addicts all share in the same pain. The same lies, the same cycles of beating ourselves up about nonsense. A woman, whom spoke after I did, is married to an addict (pills) and she had been coming to meetings for 2 years. She said that it no longer bothered her that her husband would lay on the couch and zone out on pills rather then spend the day with her. She said she had starting living her own life and had peace about her situation. She never said she wanted to leave or that she was unhappy but instead talked about things that made her happy in her own life.
I thought of you when she spoke. You have beaten yourself to death over staying or leaving and right now I think (just my opinion) that maybe if you went to a meeting and began to find yourself again that those feelings of beating yourself up would go away.
It is what it is. You cant change him but you can change yourself.
Today I feel a little stronger and know that come what may I have a support system of people that just understand what I am going through and are there period. They arent telling me what to do but offering support in acknowledging that we are all the same.
Today is good for me. Today I have been telling myself that I will move on I will find the strength to do what I need to do. And finally I have help with that.
It was like we could all just sit in that little room and know without ever saying a word how much we all have in common. That brought me comfort. I have been resistant about going to the meetings but now that I have gone I feel much better about moving forward instead of staying stuck.......
Take care girl,
Go easy on yourself, its not what is right or wrong but how you treat yourself. Dont beat on yourself.
Love,
C
I went to my first al anon meeting the other night. I was scared to death. Terrified. Dont really know why but I kept thinking I dont belong here. But when I listened to everyone talk about their stories instantly I felt no I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
We who deal with addicts all share in the same pain. The same lies, the same cycles of beating ourselves up about nonsense. A woman, whom spoke after I did, is married to an addict (pills) and she had been coming to meetings for 2 years. She said that it no longer bothered her that her husband would lay on the couch and zone out on pills rather then spend the day with her. She said she had starting living her own life and had peace about her situation. She never said she wanted to leave or that she was unhappy but instead talked about things that made her happy in her own life.
I thought of you when she spoke. You have beaten yourself to death over staying or leaving and right now I think (just my opinion) that maybe if you went to a meeting and began to find yourself again that those feelings of beating yourself up would go away.
It is what it is. You cant change him but you can change yourself.
Today I feel a little stronger and know that come what may I have a support system of people that just understand what I am going through and are there period. They arent telling me what to do but offering support in acknowledging that we are all the same.
Today is good for me. Today I have been telling myself that I will move on I will find the strength to do what I need to do. And finally I have help with that.
It was like we could all just sit in that little room and know without ever saying a word how much we all have in common. That brought me comfort. I have been resistant about going to the meetings but now that I have gone I feel much better about moving forward instead of staying stuck.......
Take care girl,
Go easy on yourself, its not what is right or wrong but how you treat yourself. Dont beat on yourself.
Love,
C
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Cessy,
Oh gosh Girl, never feel afraid to come here...this is what this forum is for. I can for sure say for myself I did many many of this things you are doing and MORE! I remember one lady at my al-anon group saying to me...I just haven't had enough knocks on my head yet. This is not an easytime what you are going through many many emotions, ups and downs, we are here for you!
And Happy Belated Birthday!
Rose
Oh gosh Girl, never feel afraid to come here...this is what this forum is for. I can for sure say for myself I did many many of this things you are doing and MORE! I remember one lady at my al-anon group saying to me...I just haven't had enough knocks on my head yet. This is not an easytime what you are going through many many emotions, ups and downs, we are here for you!
And Happy Belated Birthday!
Rose
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