starrynite

I've been writing this in my head for awhile. I'm somewhat of an old timer who took a rather forced leave of absence. (Heed the warnings about sharing this site with friends and relatives!) But as i've walked my path i've read the posts from time to time and prayed quietly for all of you.

There are so many pieces of history in myself that i see:

• in the cries for help
• the professions of love for the addict
• everyone else's inability to see that the addict is just misunderstood...they have SOOOOOO much potential
• the need to learn absolutely everything about the DOC
• the realizations that something is truly wrong
• the discovery that perhaps recovery is about us and not at all about fixing them
• the relapses
• the resolutions to be strong this time
• the nights they steal or sit in jail or just never come home
• rehab
• infidelity
• the fears about money and housing and children, and so on.

I also think about someone whose name i no longer see on the board. The post that changed my life. I didn't know exactly who i was or who i wanted to be, but i learned that day who i didn't want to be. I didn't want to be myself in 10 years...living the exact same life i was living. That particular post was an incredible glimpse into the future for me.

The time i've spent learning to love myself and figure out exactly where i stand and what i believe in has served me well. It is so much easier to see the selfishness and manipulation, the twisted logic, the patterns of the disease. And to be so incredibly thankful that i no longer live in the chaos. I now see where i was sabotaging myself in many ways - personally and professionally.

I've since divorced my exhusband. This isn't about staying or leaving. It's about what was right for me.

We share a child so when he isn't using we talk and negotiate and try to make it work. It isn't easy. I've learned that promises may or may not happen and my reactions have a lot to do with how my kid deals with the heartache. I'm still learning to identify what i can and can't control. I've taught my child the serenity prayer and some of the other tools i've found in recovery. And while we still live with the reality of addiction, i choose not to sit on the front row anymore.

I've read and reread the red flags sticky on relationships. I found myself in a couple of relationships that weren't healthy. Found myself making excuses about some of the behavior i saw. Found myself snooping around looking for signs of drug use. Felt some incredibly strong messages from the universe. Some real warning signs that i wasn't where i needed to be. I'd moved on from the addict but i hadn't figured out me and my boundaries. I began to listen to my gut. I made a lot of mistakes but i learned a lot of lessons too. And the funny thing is that once we start to truly work on ourselves...those warning signs are impossible to ignore. I no longer had an excuse and i had no one to blame but myself if things weren't right.

Today my life is very good. I know i still have a long way to go. And i've come to believe that we find what we're looking for and it's up to us to determine what that is. What we put out into the universe is what we get back. And if we stay where we are - that's a choice we've made too.

Please find the path that works for you to reach wholeness! Find time to do something nice for yourself. Those little steps to loving yourself are so important. Put on your makeup. Paint your toenails. Light a candle. Find the moments of solitude to really listen to your heart and your soul. Create a support group of people who love you for exactly who you are...the strong people who will tell you when you're slipping. Listen to them but remember it's still up to you to determine what's best for you and make your own decisions. Learn to hear that early warning negative voice in your head...the one that doesn't have your best interests at heart. For me, that voice always says the same thing, "It doesn't matter anyway." And i've learned to say, "Yes it does matter. It matters alot because i'm worth it."

It's YOUR life. You get one shot at it. Please make it worth your time and energy. You deserve it!

itisatruth

Wow ~ thank you so much for that post. This is about where I am about now I think. It really is a a new place to be - learning to put my needs first, to trust myself. Your post gives me hope that I can find my way too.

Being able to forgive myself when I make those mistakes is a big step too; to accept that I am who I am and I'm doing the best I can today but still moving forward....

Your words really touched me today ~ thank you again.

ItsmeAlice

Thank you so much for posting!

Peace.
Alice

CoDieNOmore

I'm still very new to working on my CoDie issues. I find that I take 3 steps forward and one to two steps back. The good news is that even on the 2 step back days I'm still ahead by a very important step. I found your post Very helpful.
Be Bell