IO Storm

Way to go kj!

Good luck and have a safe..fun time at the convention.

winnie12

wtf? did she actually say that to you. that was a very very rude thing to say. isnt the whole point of recovery to have a different life? I dont think she takes her recovery very seriously.

If anyone asks you to do something that you dont want to do you owe it to yourself to say no. flat out no. you are not responsible for her going to the convention - you are not obligated to do things "her" way - this is your trip for you and you should reclaim it now. so maybe you dont want to ditch her but you can guiltfree say "you must provide the money today, we cannot ride together because i have other obligations" and leave it at that. if she doesnt pay or get her own ride then you are going alone.

ItsmeAlice

Oh I wish I had your style, KJ! What a great way to handle the situation.
I was nodding along with great pride to the conversation. Direct, polite, and without any hint of malice from you. See there, at the end, when she just couldn't get past your resolve, she had throw daggers your way.

I think those who have said she's lacking in her recovery have hit the nail on the head.

Keep up the great work and enjoy your convention!!

catlovermi

Did I miss it, or where's the part about "Since we made this agreement, I expect you to share the expenses equally and pay in advance of the conference" - because if this doesn't happen, you're just going to stew in resentment and would be better off NOT going with her, at all.

I've learned that when I make such agreements, which are agreements between two adults, I am entitled to expect them to behave like an adult, including a) do what they said, and b) do it in an equitable manner - such as ponying up their half at the same time I have to pay my half. Anything less, and I don't need their company. If this was the original agreement, I don't need to take any other factors into account, and am free to back out if they don't pull their end. I refuse to negotiate with myself anymore about someone else's manipulations. This is my agreement with myself, and I'm sticking to it. I can't afford all the lost time in resentment I would generate by re-negotiating with myself things that I had already decided. When I start re-negotiating with myself what I will tolerate, and cut them slack, it's a form of enabling.

The caveat to this is I am responsible to communicate clearly my understanding of the agreement, ahead of time, and make sure it is the same understanding they have. If I fail this, I must accept part of the blame and consequences.

CLMI

kj3880

Hello All!
I'm back from the weekend...and you all were right, more stuff happened:

I called her early Friday to reconfirm the arrangements, told her we will meet at my house at nine p.m. to leave, she agreed, then said she would call me around six to write down directions to my home. I got home from work at six and packed the car, waited for her to call until about 8:30, then got nervous and called her instead.

She didn't even answer so I left a message "Are you coming? Please call me, as I am still leaving at 9." Well, I got in the car exactly at nine, since she didn't call, figured she was ditching me. At one minute after nine, as I was pulling out of the drive, she finally called "Hey, KJ! I'm leaving work now!" I said "You were supposed to be here at nine, how long will it be? And why didn't you call me to say you would be late?" She said "Oh I work in customer service, and I couldn't call." (I just can't believe that she could not take a bathroom break all evening and call me quickly, I think this was her way of manipulating me to wait longer, what do you all think?)

She then said "I will be a while, I have to drive home, change, make myself some food, pack, load the car...maybe a couple more hours or so." She didn't apologize or anything, seemed to just assume that would be OK with me, to wait 3 hours!!!

I said "No. That is too long for me to wait. I am not willing to start driving across the state at midnight, and they won't hold the hotel room past one a.m., they told me that when I made the reservation, as the whole town is at capacity for the convention." She started stuttering "But...but,...how will I get there?" I said "I don't know, I'm leaving. If you do come down, you can call me when you get to the hotel, and I'll come down and meet you. (I wasn't letting her know the room number or reservation number until I got her money at this point.)

Then I hung up. And called my sponsor. Spons said I'm OK on this. She said my side of the street is clean. She told me "What we're trying to learn in recovery is to be people of our word, to have integrity. You are doing what you said you would do, and that's fine. Enjoy the weekend." So with her blessing, I then pulled out of the driveway, went to the convention, and had fun all by myself. I enjoyed the big room with a jacuzzi alone. S never called me all weekend.

Saturday, I heard she called C. and convinced him to actually leave the convention and he drove 3 hours down and 3 back from her house to get her. He was furious with me for "not waiting for S., who is in our home group, after all!" So now I'm on the outs with him, too. This stuff just gets more and more uncomfortable.

I know intellectually that I did the right thing, but I have so much trouble with confrontation. But you know what? If I'd waited 3-4 hours, I bet that she wouldn't have had her money and I'd have been steaming mad all weekend. So I stood up for myself this time, and now I don't have any resentments. But I bet she does. Oh, well. I'm still clean. And I went to about 10 meetings this weekend!

Thanks for listening.

Love,
KJ

helpformyson

I agree with Serenity. Give her a certain date to pay up and tell her that you will be using the room alone or tell her that you are inviting someone else who has offered to pay up front. You will probably not ever see a red cent from this person. She sounds very manipulative. Good luck.

Freedom1990

Good for you for doing what you did and enjoying the weekend!

I don't like confrontations either, but I think you did a splendid job of sticking with the plans, and she fell flat on her manipulative butt!

If she's got a resentment, there's steps to work through that!

Hold your head high gal! :ghug :ghug

Angelic17

Good for you KJ, Have a great time, and I hope you get some great recovery tools at the convention.

catlovermi

Awesome.

I have found that the whole
gets much easier, the more I practice it. Those noisy guilty voices get weaker, and pretty soon they don't even bother to make a fuss, when I know I've said my piece kindly, and held to my word.

I've also learned to back up to a bird's eye view and look for the pattern. If I see the pattern as a whole is unhealthy, or manipulative, even if a particular or two within that pattern might be right, or arguable, I will give myself permission to do what I need to do regarding the pattern overall, and override internal dialogue about the particulars.

This approach has really helped me clarify the codie minefields I encounter.

CLMI

winnie12

Way to go! If C has that much of a problem then he needs to figure out his own boundaries. Sounds like they both need to revisit some steps if you ask me - your not responsible for her and C should know that.

kj3880

Just received a text message from a friend telling me how everyone in our area is trashing my name on this issue. She supports me, but I'd really rather not even hear about what "they" are saying. Oh well, not my business, I keep telling myself. Still hurts, though, no matter what I try to tell myself. How long does it take for us to get enough self confidence that the new behaviors feel right? I still feel, no matter how much I act and talk recovery, really bad when I don't caretake. When I act in my own self-interest. When I treat myself the way I'd treat a friend.

I'm so tired of me and the way I seem to have a lot of these situations come up in my life. I have poor judgment or I wouldn't have these associates try to use me so often, I know it.

Love,
KJ

Serenity Bound

KJ, We are all a work in progress, from each situation we learn. You are learning that YOU are to be treated with respect. If the other two are trashing your name, well, it just seems to me that they have a whole lot of work to due on themselves.

IMO you did good!

Freedom1990

KJ, you need to give yourself some credit, gal! I can assure you that a little over a year into my own recovery, I still had no backbone to stand up for myself! I created so much pain by people-pleasing, stuffing my feelings when my gut told me someone was 'using' me, and as with anything else, I didn't start to make changes until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You will get to a place where you have thicker skin, you can spot those types of people easier, and you won't feel bad about having healthy boundaries. It takes time!

We are people who want what we want and we wanted it yesterday, dammit!

:ghug :ghug

dryeyes

KJ,
im new here and in early recovery but having read your post i needed to say well done. hopefully you can learn and grow from this awful exprience and will not let in do your head in. a always remeber this is YOUR recovery and let them talk, sounds like there doing your inventory when they need to be doing there own. good luck and god bless x x x

laurie6781

You are getting closer every day!!!! As we work the steps, and then learn how to live the steps, our own Self Esteem returns. We learn to trust our gut again. We also come to realize that what 'other' people think of us is not only NONE of our business, but it no longer matters. Today and for a long time now, what HP thinks of me and what I think of me are all that matters. I know when I am doing the next right thing.

Now that does not mean I cannot be a 'caregiver' if and when I CHOOSE to do so. Afterall, my career was private homoe care of the terminally ill and the totally incapacitated for many years, with several women at a time working for me.

It becomes easier, if you keep your priority list in front of you at all times:

HP first.

Then yourself.

Then, those around you in order of importance to you.

I don't think it is talk about much today in meetings, but I do believe some sponsors still talk with their sponsees about 'barricudas' in the program. Not 13th steppers but along the same lines. Yes they are in AA and NA. It was explained to me that a 'barricuda' was someone who talked program, but still 'used' people any way they could. By sitting back and 'watching' I would figure out on my own who the 'barricudas' were. AND .............................. I did. <vbg> You will too!!!!!!

I learned to trust my gut again, you will too. I learned to sit back and watch, and watch, and watch, and I would see the folks who WALKED the way they talked. I would see the people that would not be 'toxic' to my recovery, and I would learn to pick and hcoose who I wanted a a friend and who I didn't.

You are already doing that. There are always 'gossips' in the program. That is their problem, not yours. Stick with the winners. You are already doing that and will do it more and more.

As to this weekend ...................................... I think you handled this incident EXTREMELY WELL!!!!!!

You know there is a phrase in the BB of AA that stuck with me the first time I read and is still with me. It goes something like this:

"We no longer walk all over people, NOR do we allow them to walk all over us."

I believe you did that in spades!!!!!!

You go girl. Do not doubt yourself.

Love and hugs,

Done_With_It

JMO, but if she were a real "Friend" she wouldn't be sending you
Text messages adding to the drama and gossip and pulling you
down with it.
If she were "supporting you" she would stick up for you to them, and
not feel the need to tell you about any of this.

All of that stuff is drama to me, I won't have it in my life, I had to learn
to let go of people like that, crazy makers will always bring us pain if
we let them.

There are better friends out there for you, sometimes we just have to get
rid of the bad to find the good. But it hurts in the process.
Figuring out that we deserve better treatment from ourselves and others
I found is hard and painful, but so worth it.

JMO, and I don't know your friend, but I think you deserve better.