Crazy Making
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Crazy Making
Ok, here it is...
I have been apart from my ex addicted fiancee for 6 months, no visits though he promises to visit me and the new baby like monthly. I don't want him in my life, yeat I am sooo jealous that he is dating and carrying on like a teen not to mention everyone at work seems to love him according to his mom who just calls to harass me about how hardworking he is. I have been called so many names and told so many things both positive and negative that it drives me nuts. I know that I am in control of reading his texts and I have to ignore him. He goes back and forth between wanting us to hating me and it is so frustrating. I am still way to involved in this and am having a difficult time detaching. I got an email from his girl he was seeing telling me they had a great time which he totally denied. Why does he think he can treat me this way? He doesn't send more than 150 a month and truly left behind close to 10,000 worth of bills not to mention a brand new little one. It would be easy for me to let go if he would just admit he is addicted and carousing and acting like a spoiled brat, but he won't. I have burdened friends with this for too long and I have to move on. I have trouble seeing the light at times because I am having to deal with all the fallout while he leads his charmed little life elsewhere wining and dining his next victim. Why does he act like he isn't doing anything? Why does he think I believe his lies and will take him back despite all that he has done? Am I going to get over this? I hate my self wallowing and am sick of it please for the sake of my sanity and my poor friend who has to hear all this...help?
Facts:
1. Left us to go live in another state
2. Promises money but says sales just aren't there
3. Promises to visit and never shows (At least 15 failed visits)
4. Calls constantly only at night to see where I am and what I do
5. Goes out with friends, girls and drinks/etc. then turns off phone
6. Parents call me to brag about him when they have no clue
7. Can't help me with all the bills he left but wants us to move there
8. Says he loves me then tells me to go away and then calls to say he loves me and that hes just frustrated
9. Lies to me and gets caught then makes me feel crazy
10. Refuses to be nice and treats me like crap unless I will be on cam(initimately) with him (Which I refuse) and he states that it isnt too much to ask
11. Never wants to see lil one on cam except maybe once in a while will ask which is good cleaner break
12. Drives me insane with the back and forth I hate you I love you crap and makes me feel like I am lucky to be with him?!?
13. Ruined my credit, left when baby was a month old and doesn't understand why I am so po'd with him all the time
14. Pretends that he is the victim and poor him nothing is going right
15. Driving me away from my plan which is to focus and get myself healed
Help...
I have been apart from my ex addicted fiancee for 6 months, no visits though he promises to visit me and the new baby like monthly. I don't want him in my life, yeat I am sooo jealous that he is dating and carrying on like a teen not to mention everyone at work seems to love him according to his mom who just calls to harass me about how hardworking he is. I have been called so many names and told so many things both positive and negative that it drives me nuts. I know that I am in control of reading his texts and I have to ignore him. He goes back and forth between wanting us to hating me and it is so frustrating. I am still way to involved in this and am having a difficult time detaching. I got an email from his girl he was seeing telling me they had a great time which he totally denied. Why does he think he can treat me this way? He doesn't send more than 150 a month and truly left behind close to 10,000 worth of bills not to mention a brand new little one. It would be easy for me to let go if he would just admit he is addicted and carousing and acting like a spoiled brat, but he won't. I have burdened friends with this for too long and I have to move on. I have trouble seeing the light at times because I am having to deal with all the fallout while he leads his charmed little life elsewhere wining and dining his next victim. Why does he act like he isn't doing anything? Why does he think I believe his lies and will take him back despite all that he has done? Am I going to get over this? I hate my self wallowing and am sick of it please for the sake of my sanity and my poor friend who has to hear all this...help?
Facts:
1. Left us to go live in another state
2. Promises money but says sales just aren't there
3. Promises to visit and never shows (At least 15 failed visits)
4. Calls constantly only at night to see where I am and what I do
5. Goes out with friends, girls and drinks/etc. then turns off phone
6. Parents call me to brag about him when they have no clue
7. Can't help me with all the bills he left but wants us to move there
8. Says he loves me then tells me to go away and then calls to say he loves me and that hes just frustrated
9. Lies to me and gets caught then makes me feel crazy
10. Refuses to be nice and treats me like crap unless I will be on cam(initimately) with him (Which I refuse) and he states that it isnt too much to ask
11. Never wants to see lil one on cam except maybe once in a while will ask which is good cleaner break
12. Drives me insane with the back and forth I hate you I love you crap and makes me feel like I am lucky to be with him?!?
13. Ruined my credit, left when baby was a month old and doesn't understand why I am so po'd with him all the time
14. Pretends that he is the victim and poor him nothing is going right
15. Driving me away from my plan which is to focus and get myself healed
Help...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck - then it's probably a duck
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!!!!
Sweetie - hate that you are going thru this painful time but so much of this sounds like typical addict behaviors.
You and your Higher Power can take back the power from this person and work on restoring your life to a sane and serene place to live.
A few things that worked for me - I refused to answer text messages - you could either change your phone # or instead of his name on your phone - change it to something like "I cheated on you" or "I stole money from YOU" or "I will lie to you" so that you remember that man you are talking to is NOT who you want him to be.
You also can tell his parents, that you are uncomfortable taking about "him" on the phone. If they wanna talk about the baby - great if not - then I need to let you go.
I can relate that it must be very difficult for you - but try it - one hour at a time, just to focus on what is healthy, recovery oriented and best for you and your child. Continue to seek support and understanding from SR and maybe Al-Anon meetings if you can attend them also.
Remember - all his stuff is about him - you Didn't Cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it!!
HUGS to you,
Rita
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!!!!
Sweetie - hate that you are going thru this painful time but so much of this sounds like typical addict behaviors.
You and your Higher Power can take back the power from this person and work on restoring your life to a sane and serene place to live.
A few things that worked for me - I refused to answer text messages - you could either change your phone # or instead of his name on your phone - change it to something like "I cheated on you" or "I stole money from YOU" or "I will lie to you" so that you remember that man you are talking to is NOT who you want him to be.
You also can tell his parents, that you are uncomfortable taking about "him" on the phone. If they wanna talk about the baby - great if not - then I need to let you go.
I can relate that it must be very difficult for you - but try it - one hour at a time, just to focus on what is healthy, recovery oriented and best for you and your child. Continue to seek support and understanding from SR and maybe Al-Anon meetings if you can attend them also.
Remember - all his stuff is about him - you Didn't Cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it!!
HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by whereami 
It would be easy for me to let go if he would just admit he is addicted and carousing and acting like a spoiled brat, but he won't.
Sometimes it's more comfortable for us to stay stuck in victim mode, dysfunctional though it may be, because it's our comfort zone, what we are familiar with.
Your moving forward is not contingent on him acknowledging his part in any of this. That is the truth.
Is there any reason you are keeping communication open with his mother? I've found it does me no good to interact with toxic people, and that has often included my parents, which I have had to go no contact with on more than one occasion.
I have a choice not to read texts. I have a choice not to answer the phone.
I have raised two daughters by myself for the most part, with the youngest daughter's father being a member of AA, sober over 33 years now. His participation in her life has been minimal at best, including child support.
I've done a damned good job of parenting if I may say so myself. That daughter is almost 21 now, and she knows which parent has been there with her through everything. She is a blessing in my life, and I've chosen to focus on that, and not on the fact her father has been/still is an absentee parent.
Ultimately, it's up to you. Cut contact with these toxic people and be the best mother you can be to that bundle of joy, or continue doing what you're doing.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
My XAH quacked a lot too. Keep focused on what he has DONE, what his ACTIONS have been and are. Words are just that, they aren't anything without actions to back them up.
Quack quack quack
Look at your list, pick out the things that he has done and does - that is what you can expect from him. That is all you know.
When I found out the word for what my XAH did to me for years with the crazy-making - "gaslighting" - I actually felt better. It wasn't just me. Learning how to shut out the words tho, it was so hard. There were times I'd come here begging for help to keep me propped up when I knew I'd have to talk to him. I knew he'd spin and spin - until I was off somewhere and not where I needed to be. I would walk away or hang up from those conversations shaking, it took all my physical strength to stay focused and not get caught up in his words. The most progress I made in stopping the crazy-making was having no contact with him for a significant amount of time. The last time I had contact with him and he started his spinning, I saw it so clearly for what it was and I just stopped - I knew we would never get any further with whatever it was. I looked at the email and wondered how I had never seen/heard it before? I could see what he was doing - the fog had lifted.
Quack quack quack
Look at your list, pick out the things that he has done and does - that is what you can expect from him. That is all you know.
When I found out the word for what my XAH did to me for years with the crazy-making - "gaslighting" - I actually felt better. It wasn't just me. Learning how to shut out the words tho, it was so hard. There were times I'd come here begging for help to keep me propped up when I knew I'd have to talk to him. I knew he'd spin and spin - until I was off somewhere and not where I needed to be. I would walk away or hang up from those conversations shaking, it took all my physical strength to stay focused and not get caught up in his words. The most progress I made in stopping the crazy-making was having no contact with him for a significant amount of time. The last time I had contact with him and he started his spinning, I saw it so clearly for what it was and I just stopped - I knew we would never get any further with whatever it was. I looked at the email and wondered how I had never seen/heard it before? I could see what he was doing - the fog had lifted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
We all make decisions based upon what we feel, but a mature adult, especially one seeking spiritual growth, is able to make decisions apart from what they feel. For example, I don't always 'feel' like paying my gas bill because I'd rather spend the money on something fun. Yet I realize me arse will be cold in the winter if I make the decision based strictly on my feelings.
Consistently making decisions based on what one feels is immature and crazy making to not only our own lives, but those around us because feelings change quickly. FWIW, my insight into addiction is that addicts frequently and consistently make decisions based upon what they are feeling in the moment. It's frequently like dealing with a child or adolescent, which is congruent with the phenomenon that addicts stop maturing at the age they began using.
Sometimes, however, you have to remember they're just high as a kite and don't know what the hell they're saying.
Yea, an adolescent with lowered inhibitions is my fav thing. 
A big part of my recovery is learning to trust my thinking again. I believe it's the biggest piece of me left to recapture, so I understand and am sorry for where you are. Don't forget, addiction does lose it's ability to, "... dominate our thoughts and our lives.", when I choose where to put my focus.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Consistently making decisions based on what one feels is immature and crazy making to not only our own lives, but those around us because feelings change quickly. FWIW, my insight into addiction is that addicts frequently and consistently make decisions based upon what they are feeling in the moment. It's frequently like dealing with a child or adolescent, which is congruent with the phenomenon that addicts stop maturing at the age they began using.
Sometimes, however, you have to remember they're just high as a kite and don't know what the hell they're saying.
Yea, an adolescent with lowered inhibitions is my fav thing. A big part of my recovery is learning to trust my thinking again. I believe it's the biggest piece of me left to recapture, so I understand and am sorry for where you are. Don't forget, addiction does lose it's ability to, "... dominate our thoughts and our lives.", when I choose where to put my focus.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
When we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we become a victim and allow others to determine our own well being. I read 15 statements blaming him for your current situation.
Most of what annoys you will disappear the moment you choose to:
Stop calling/texting/emailing him, his mother, his family, his friends
Block his ( and those of his family/friends) incoming calls/texts/emails
Get a court order for child care.
Renegotiate your debt
Strive to be the best example of self responsibility, for your daughter. She will learn how to treat herself, at your knee.
Most of what annoys you will disappear the moment you choose to:
Stop calling/texting/emailing him, his mother, his family, his friends
Block his ( and those of his family/friends) incoming calls/texts/emails
Get a court order for child care.
Renegotiate your debt
Strive to be the best example of self responsibility, for your daughter. She will learn how to treat herself, at your knee.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hi there,
I think the ones before me have said it all, but I just want to add that it sounds like a matter of control. He controls you by keeping you hanging. You want to control him by finding out about what he's doing. I learned the hard way that the only person I can control is me. I do better dealing with my AS when I'm not involved and I begin working on me. And believe me, there is plenty in me that needs working on. You can't change him, honey. We've all tried and come here asking why, just like you. I hit my head against the wall again and again. Then I realized, hey that hurts! Yeah, so stop doing it. You and your little one are in need of your focus. Oh yeah, and get the **** child support!
I think the ones before me have said it all, but I just want to add that it sounds like a matter of control. He controls you by keeping you hanging. You want to control him by finding out about what he's doing. I learned the hard way that the only person I can control is me. I do better dealing with my AS when I'm not involved and I begin working on me. And believe me, there is plenty in me that needs working on. You can't change him, honey. We've all tried and come here asking why, just like you. I hit my head against the wall again and again. Then I realized, hey that hurts! Yeah, so stop doing it. You and your little one are in need of your focus. Oh yeah, and get the **** child support!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It's hard. I understand where youre coming from.
For me it IS a bit about control. I can't control that I chose a loser to be my boyfriend and the father of my child. But that is in the past. Now I must "buck up" and move forward for the sake of my child.
It pisses me off sometimes that I work my butt off day in day out 50-60 hours a week, I take care a little boy all by myself, swim lessons, dinner, laundry - I never have time for myself. But the moment I allow my mind to start wandering down the path of being angry at my ex because he is a selfish loser who only takes care of himself, I stop and remind myself that is his choice. And I cannot control his actions.
I can only be the best possible mom and person I can be. Every single day. And not waste my time worrying about what the SOB SHOULD be doing that he's not.
It's wasted energy. But I do understand your pain Amy.
How's that baby doing? got anything exciting and wonderful to share with us?
For me it IS a bit about control. I can't control that I chose a loser to be my boyfriend and the father of my child. But that is in the past. Now I must "buck up" and move forward for the sake of my child.
It pisses me off sometimes that I work my butt off day in day out 50-60 hours a week, I take care a little boy all by myself, swim lessons, dinner, laundry - I never have time for myself. But the moment I allow my mind to start wandering down the path of being angry at my ex because he is a selfish loser who only takes care of himself, I stop and remind myself that is his choice. And I cannot control his actions.
I can only be the best possible mom and person I can be. Every single day. And not waste my time worrying about what the SOB SHOULD be doing that he's not.
It's wasted energy. But I do understand your pain Amy.
How's that baby doing? got anything exciting and wonderful to share with us?
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Yes she is great!
Yes, she is doing so well...she has my silly personality and is gorgeous!! She babbles at 8 months and says mom mom thats grandmaw mama thats me **** is bottle nanana is no she quirks her eyebrow and makes flirty faces at me when she wants me to pick her up and she absolutely lights up a room when she sees me. She really makes me feel so blessed. She scooted today to try and grab my drink she got up and almost crawled...she is very smart and says pupa daw for the puppy and dances! She does this little hual with her hands and rocks while her feet kick ...she is so cute and talented and more adorable each day...I love her with everything I have.:ghug
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
You are so blessed to have such a prescious little girl that you've described. That 8 month old little angel, is what the beautiful and happy life is all about.
I have 2 baby grandsons, 10 months & 4 months, and they are such great joy in my life. I look at them daily and remember that I can just choose to focus on their awesomeness instead of my son's addictions & fallout, and everything seems so much lighter in my life.
Soak it all up like a sponge and RUN as far away from all that are unnecessarily causing you pain. You are not married to this person and it doesn't sound like to me, that there is anything at all good, positive or happy, in the relationship for you. Just cut your losses and get away from him and all that has to do with him.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, but if the addict/alcoholic in my life wasn't my child, I would certainly get as far away from that kind of destruction and draining trauma as I could. Life is hard enough when dealing with normal day to day. There is no sense in sticking around something like that when you don't have to.
I know easier said than done maybe, but just think about it. You're not tied in, except for the baby that he's not interested in at this time. She can find him when she's grown if she wants to. There's still a chance for you to meet someone that will love you and treat you right and for her to have a normal daddy that is interested in making her happy. Accept that he is how he is. Acceptance is the key to serenity.
I have 2 baby grandsons, 10 months & 4 months, and they are such great joy in my life. I look at them daily and remember that I can just choose to focus on their awesomeness instead of my son's addictions & fallout, and everything seems so much lighter in my life.
Soak it all up like a sponge and RUN as far away from all that are unnecessarily causing you pain. You are not married to this person and it doesn't sound like to me, that there is anything at all good, positive or happy, in the relationship for you. Just cut your losses and get away from him and all that has to do with him.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, but if the addict/alcoholic in my life wasn't my child, I would certainly get as far away from that kind of destruction and draining trauma as I could. Life is hard enough when dealing with normal day to day. There is no sense in sticking around something like that when you don't have to.
I know easier said than done maybe, but just think about it. You're not tied in, except for the baby that he's not interested in at this time. She can find him when she's grown if she wants to. There's still a chance for you to meet someone that will love you and treat you right and for her to have a normal daddy that is interested in making her happy. Accept that he is how he is. Acceptance is the key to serenity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
she is so cute and talented and more adorable each day...I love her with everything I have.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Good job!
Sometimes we need to do the things that are in our rational best interest IN SPITE of our feelings.
I think it is normal to be angry at him.....but that won't change who he is or the choices he makes.
Sometimes we need to do the things that are in our rational best interest IN SPITE of our feelings.
I think it is normal to be angry at him.....but that won't change who he is or the choices he makes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hang in there Ami. One day at a time is always a good answer. The only thing constant in life is change. Give your baby a kiss. They grow so fast. Seems like mine was just an infant when I started posting on this board and now he's three. And daddy is still playing the same games. Only now my son is old enough to be hurt by his inconsistency and false promises.
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I agree the age she is at is still small, but she now knows mama paw paw, grammy and uncles and aunts...she has no clue who dada is or even what he looks like. She will grow up quickly and he will realize someday what he missed. He is so good with his nephews...maybe it is a blessing so he can't wreck her life. Besides, I have a great job I am a teacher, I am around people all day who keep me remembering how important a child's welfare is. I have a big family that is very close knit and though they can be annoying I am fortunate not to have too many issues other than a bit of codependency and smoking. I know I am lucky, I was raised with strong values and beliefs and truly believed that everyone felt the way I did about family. I now know I must stay strong and get support from friends and family when I am lonely, not some loser who will just break my heart every chance he gets. I did contact an attourney today and have an Appointment monday for custody and possible termination of his rights, without the proof of rehab I don't know how I can prove addiction if his blood test reveals prescriptions then I can't really fight that can I?
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