when to cut loose and run
 

Well people, here I am again .... or is it again and again and again.

as you know from my previous thread, my "fiancee" is an addict in recovery.
she got in trouble with the law about 7 or 8 months ago, been through drug court, and ends up in drug court recovery program, later referred to a Drug and alcohol recovery center (outpatient) and a week ago ordered to INPATIENT.

well she was supposed to go in today, and so I drove her there at 1 pm.
then she calls me because Detox did not accept her (this is the good news part) she had tested NEGATIVE for any and all types of narcotics.

so I drive downtown to get her and bring her home, my mom happen to be there with me daughter (3 yrs old) and as some of you have experience with this type of illness some of our families do not accept it as an illness but think its a choice (mom is the later)

mom speaks little English (enough to fend for her self but prefers Spanish), well I proceded to tell mom all about how my "fiancee" had not been accepted to DETOX because she was already CLEAN. :a122:

during this whole time my "fiancee" felt that mom was ignoring her as if she did not exist.

well mom and I went into the kitchen to cook dinner, and in the mean while I saw my "Fiancee" cleaning around a bit, then she got all pissed and said she needed to go and do some stuff, when I asked her what stuff, she said I just need to be not here.

when she came back, mom had already left. and then she tells me that she did not like the way mom treated her, that she DESERVES more respect than that, and she will not live with me if she is being disrespected.
Its true that mom does not like her much due to her addiciton... and she has every right to feel that way. but in no way did I see mom being disrespectfull.

I feel that I am between a rock and a hard place and that my "fiancee" wants me to choose between her and my family ( FAMILY WILL WIN EVERY TIME)
:wtf2:a043:

don' t get married for a long per. of time.
A lot of red flags here !!

FAMILY Should WIN EVERY TIME, I agree with Seeker - take your time with this girl, truthfully I would run while you still can.

run.

JWSA

I am sorry you are going thru this again and again and again. I know how that feels. Been thru it with my AD.

My first thought was - if she was ordered to go, what happens now? Why was she ordered to go a week ago? If she was only a few days clean how can inpatient refuse her? That is by no means long enough.

I think even if an addict is not using their mental state is very fragile and they think the whole world is against them. I don't think they understand what they do to us during their active addiction. We can forgive, but it is VERY hard to forget. And to trust. I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom or anything, but I just wanted you to know that someone is thinking about you.

Gotahavfaith

Was she not testing positive for benzos prior to this?

What kind of role model do you want for your children, seriously?

They have no voice in this matter.

realization.....

no matter how much we love, how much we want to see progress, no matter anything else. they are only going to get better when they are ready.

as much as she says she is ready and is doing it and that I should be proud that she tested Negative. I keep feeling that there is no one telling me how proud of me they are for testing negative... ohh wait I dont get tested because I am clean... yeah I know a bit sarcastic!

well new plan ....
2 weeks to go before she goes into IRT (inpatient Recovery Treatmen)

choice A-
ask her to move out and thats that
once she is completed her program, has a job, her own apartment, and her son back from her sister's out of state (back on her OWN feet)
then we can talk about maybe seeing if there is an US

choice B-
let her stay the 2 weeks here only if
1-no repeat of the crap from last night
2- some type of part time job
3- helps around the house ALOT more

she probably will choose plan B until her son goes out of state then move out

suggestions???????:c004::a043:

JW,

I've had more than one addict effect my life and was also a CD counselor in the past. I don't have a crystal ball by any means, but my instints tell me, from what you've posted, that someone may be looking to pick a fight for a couple of reasons.

1) If she truly is clean, she may be a wee-bit irritable because she's being 'forced' clean and can't do as she pleases, which is use. I know personally, my perceptions are skewed when I'm irritable.

2) Picking a fight is a common dynamic of addiction as it is a great excuse to use.

I know I've fallen into this trap on more than one occasion. For example, my ex held resentments against me because she felt 'forced' to meet her adult/relationship responsibilities and contributed to moving expenses when we moved. I offered thanks for the help but evidently didn't 'raise the flag' high enough. I never received any thanks for having paid the entire down payment on the new home... and that's just how addiction is. I now see that her entitlement and my 'interference' in her managing her hidden addiction only heightened the demise. It was one instance of justifying the use, I believe.

Point is, only you can decide what you can live with the next two weeks. Addiction is pathological, meaning it isn't always personal... it's just what addicts do. They often don't have a master plan beyond continuing to use or avoiding the emotions, which leads to the kinds of situations you're seeing. As the stickie says, it's just what addicts do.

My only suggestion is to spend some time with you and discover what will bring peace to your life. There is absolutely nothing wrong in standing firm in what you believe and value. For me, I have to understand who I am and what I TRULY value... then I can take others reactions and what they may-or-may-not do out of the equation.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Jeff...

Don't give her a choice...this is your sanity and serenity we are speaking of..

I would tell her that he only option is Choice A.. this gives you a chance to have some space from all this and a chance to work your program without your addict in your environment..

You know if you give her the choice B she will have an excuse not to help around the house or get a part time job... Oh she will promise all these things while you are giving her the options but following through is a whole different matter.. Addicts tend to tell you whatever you want to hear..

Before you make any decisions.. Base your choices on you, your recovery and your sanity...

I have to agree. Option B wouldn't even be a choice in my books.

I like this...

I also like plan "A". Your offer to stay was incredibly kind, and she thinks it may not be the best idea. So be it.
The choice and plan is her's to follow.

It may be a blessing to your Mom...I can't imagine opening my home to someone who has ill feelings towards me.

So your mom has limited English and therefore is not able to communicate well. And your fiance interprets this as a lack of respect.

Sounds like pre-school social cognition, distorted, manipulative and narcissistic thinking.

Only you can decide if this is how you want to spend the next 2 weeks.

Hate to say this, but both parties need to chill and let things be. Your family may never accept her. And she may never feel "respected" by your family. They need to put on their big girl panties and act like adults.

They can act civil toward one another w/o fighting or getting nasty. Someone has to rise above it and say "I don't need X's respect here, but I can tolerate their presence for the sake of the person I love."

You just can't force these things. But, someone has to be the bigger person here.

I totally agree with this, there is a member of my home group with this exact problem. And in his case his wife is & has been clean & sober for several years now, but the family dynamics (his parents& sibs) are not good.

So tread very carefully before making any long-term commitment.

IMHO, option#A

thank you all for your support, the last 2 posts are so correnct and was exactly what I told her today, but she made her choice to leave......
I bet she will change her opinion by the time I get home from work.
how else is she going to get free cable, free hot water, free meals, etc...

Jeff
P.s. she has to go in order for her to get better and for me to save whats left of my sanity for my kids sake.

Well, here are your own words from just a few days ago, Jeff:


As far as my relationship with her, well its on hold, and we agreed that we can talk and start going out again ONLY once she finishes this program successfully AND she has a full time job for at least a month. This will prove to me that she is once again trying to get her life back.

I have made NO promise that we will reconcile or that she will move back in.
For my sake, sanity, piece of mind and that of my kids, she has to prove beyond any questioning that she is in the right track.
so it begins, the first page of the rest of my life (sane!)

The above sounded so good! What has happened to your recovery, my dear? You need to read what you wrote, that was when you were sane. You are losing your grip. Let's be honest. You set some boundaries and limits. She hasn't done what you required yet. You teach people how to treat you. What will you be teaching her about how you want her to treat you if you go back on what you said were the basic things that you required of her to be around you and your children? What message will you be sending the kids? How will this affect you and your recovery???? Insane.

Love,
KJ