becky110

Hi! I hope somebody can give me some advice. My husband is an addict. We've been married for 9 years. I was aware that there was a problem when we married but not how serious it was nor how it would affect mine and my childrens lives. Also I knew very little about alcohol and drug abuse at that time.

He doesn't use hard drugs as far as I know but he has been smoking marijuana (called dagga here) for over 20 years. This in turn leads to binge drinking and the two combined seem to have a very bad effect on him. He now admits that he must be an alcoholic and completely avoids alcohol but about every six months he goes on a secret binge and drinks himself into a coma.

He is aware of how much damage it has done to our relationship and family-life but nothing seems to make him want to seek help to stop.
I've noticed that he'll take anything for a buzz which means headache powders - many each day. Any prescription medicine we may have in the house such as pain killers or tranquilisers just disappear very quickly so I try not to keep anything at home.

Once he's been on a binge and caused alot of upset in the home he feels bad and promises he's going to stop but gradually he starts again. Even if it's just strong coffee or head ache pills, I know he's using it for the wrong reasons.

We still have a good relationship but it's getting harder. I can't trust him anymore because I know he's lying and he feels guilty about that but wants to avoid any discussion on the subject. We just end up having awful arguements and then not speaking for sometimes weeks on end which upsets me so much that I become a nervous wreck and end up apologising to him......

Believe me, I have tried all avenues to try and deal with this but have finally accepted that nothing I do will make much difference. This addiction is obviously much stronger than even the love my husband has for any of us.

We run a successful business and he's an extremely talented landscaper, but I'm worried about how the dagga is effecting his judgement. I think he's using it at least twice a day and then for a while he has a huge energy rush and has to get busy. This in itself is quite good usually because he gets alot of work done but he doesn't always make the right decisions and often starts something only to have to leave it, obviously when the drug wears off and he loses interest. While under the influence he is extremely elated and makes decisions which I feel he wouldn't make normally. Sometimes these have really bad results business-wise.

I find this very difficult to live with. I don't want to divorce him and I feel that after these 9 years of fighting the problem, the only thing I can do is to accept it and find some peace in our marriage and home. But I'm having difficulty accepting because I believe that if I just ignore it there will eventually be disastrous results and I'll end up blaming myself.

His family tried to help when he was younger but I think they gave up and were only too thankful to hand it all over to me. My family have all seen what is happening and they as well as my two teenager children feel that I'm wrong to allow this to continue in my home.

Am I over-reacting? This is, after-all, used widely all over the world. Is it dangerous? I've read that it can lead to harder drugs but I feel that if he's been doing it fof over 20 years and hasn't gone on to anything stronger then maybe he won't now? He's 43 now.

I’m no longer looking for help for him. I feel I’m the one that needs the help now and having been everywhere and each time hoped for miracles, I'm now getting desperate.
Becky

imallright

Welcome Becky! I read your post and thought I must have a twin family in South Africa. You are on the right track. It is about you and what you want from life. I know from my own experience that using weed chronically, although some say it's not addictive, causes problems. All of the things you stated. I saw it all first hand too.

I finally could not live like this any more. I thought the only option was to accept it and deal with it... "is it really that bad, he goes to work everyday, so he gets high". It got that bad. I felt like I had to shelter the kids when they were small, I felt like I had to hide his use from my friends and family... so, we didn't go and do or have many friends. I accepted that he never finished anything, or sat around watching tv and eating or .... on and on and on. Until I realized that I could not fix it and I NEEDED to fix me.

You are important. Figure out what you really want in life. Be strong, set the boundaries and move forward. Maybe with him, maybe not. It's not easy. My kids were teenagers when I said enough.... but when push came to shove they were angry that I disrupted their world, even if it was a crazy mixed up world.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Read around this site, talk to friends and keep reaching out. It will all become clear to you when the time is right and you are ready.

jerect

Welcome Becky I'm so glad you found us..

How Do you live with an addict? Wow, thats a loaded question... each and everyone of us on SR will probably have a different answer for you but we will all agree living with an addict is not fun nor is it a walk in the park..

For me, I had to set boundaries.. I had to decide what I would and would not put up with and I had to stick to my boundaries no matter what the situation.. At times it was hard but in the end it was better off for me..

You said it best right here... There is nothing YOU can do to get your AH to stop using and is addiction is much stronger then the love he has for his family... as long as he is activly using the addiction will always come first.. and no matter how much you love him you will never be able to love him clean.. God knows that I have tried...

Accept it yes, ignore it NO.. this is where your boundaries come into play.. whatever you do do not blame yourself... You did not cause this you cannot cure this and you cannot control this.. Unfortunatly while living with an adict in active addiction there is not a whole lot of peace in the home and trying to have a normal marriage is almost impossible.. it takes two to make a relationship work and when you have only one of you working on that relationship it makes it tough.. A lot of us have stayed with our spouses so divorce does not have to be an option for you.

This is where boundaries again come into play.. do keep in mind that if he is bringing anything illigal into your home and around your children you could get into trouble also..

No. It's affecting your serenity and the relationship you have with your husband.. it might be widely used around the world but a drug is still a drug.. you indicate that there might be a bigger problem then just the pot.. pain pills disapearing, alchohol.. the problem may be bigger then you realize and usually what you see is only half of the picture... it's what you don't see that may be the major problem..

Help yourself and help your children... I urge you to find an alanon or naranon meeting in your area and start attending right away... YOu will find so many tools to help you deal with your crisis at home and so much support from others that are going through what you are going through..

Keep posting here

jwsablich

It is very difficult to live with an addict, my fiancee is an addict in recovery.
I used to have a big bottle of narcotic pain killers from my knee operation a few years ago, and I never used any (I endured the pain) but then I noticed that the bottle was 3/4 full then 1/2 full then 1/8 full, then I asked her what had happened to them and she told me that I probably used them... am sure that is a familiar answer to us all.

eventually she got in trouble with the law and in addition got a felony charge for having Oxycontin on her.
she is now narcotics free which is what I thought she needed (only if she stops taking the drugs, she will be fine i thought)

Well my friend, this is FAR FAR from over, the drugs is only a manifestation of the addiction, in my case she was in denial that anything was wrong and with her, and she was upset at the system for making her go through therapy and detox etc...

in your case you have to learn the hard way the 12 steps of alanon just like I did. the hardest was step 1 (I am powerless of over my loved one's addiction, I am powerless over my loved one or their actions.)

there is an alanon thread on this forum I strongly suggest you look it up and it will help YOU in your recovery, and yes I said YOUR recovery, as we the family of addicts are affected just as much as the addict and we need to recover from that.

keep coming back for support and glad to see you took the first step to better the rest of your life.

becky110

Thank you so much for the quick reply. You can't imagine the relief in having someone to talk to.
When I step back and have a look at my life, especially now that the children have grown up and almost left home, I think about the future and it doesn't look good.

I'm stuck with someone who it seems, is mostly only alert when he's high and then it's not really him, is it? Or I have this snoring lump on the couch the whole weekend.
We have no friends now.

My brain says "come on, you've got to move on, this just isn't going to work" and my heart says " just hold on, there's always hope that he'll recover" Does that sound very foolish?
I dread having to leave and start again, having already done that once before.
You have obviously been brave enough to take that step and even though you did what you thought was best, your children are still angry with you. Maybe when they're older they'll understand better why you had to do what you did.
My children are from a previous marriage so they're only too eager for me to leave my husband. But where will they be when I'm alone in years to come?
I know it's a decision only I can make. I'm glad I found this forum as I'm sure discussing the problems will help me see things more clearly.
Thanks again,
Becky

becky110

Thankyou.
What I do find hard to accept is that his addiction seems far more important than his marriage, business and family.
I know I have to accept that this is a disease and not something that he does from choice. I just can't seem to get my head around that one though.
I feel that's a convenient excuse for being weak. Surely he should at least try to get some help if he doesn't want to be like this and doesn't want to continue hurting me.
We live in a very small little coastal town where everyone knows everyone else. There is an AA here but I think my husband feels that if he goes there everyone will know his secret and he's so ashamed of it.
I think I will contact them though, and see if I can get some support there.
Thanks again,
Becky

becky110

thanks. Deep down i know it's far worse than I make it out to be. There's been so much that I've tried to ignore. His whole family ignore it too. I think it's just that we're so tired of trying to deal with it and we all need to get on with our lives and leave him to get on with his in whatever way he choses to. Unfortunately it still affects us if he continues with his addictions.

I did contact AA online once before. They told me that there was nothing more I could do and that in fact, I was enabling him to continue with his addictions if I just ignored it and covered up for him. They also said that it was no good making conditions, ie "go and get help or I will leave" because then he'd just be doing it for me and not for himself. In other words, he has to want to recover and seek help himself. But in order to get him to that point would mean making myself and my children miserable and uncomfortable too. I told him that he needs to get help and even where to go to get it. I also showed him all the internet sites where there was help for him. He only looked once and then left it. He knows that I won't leave him so he's going to carry on like this because it's easy for him.
I know I need help myself now, so I will have a look at alanon and hope that I can find some help there.
Thanks, Becky

jwsablich

Beccy,

you can always attend the AA or NA meeting in the next town over, as to keep his "secret" safe.
but if you do nothing this will end VERY VERY badly, you also need to think about yourself, better to be alone than with bad company.
I am not saying just dump him and move on. I am saying that you should set boundries (seek therapy, inpatient care, detox, or something similar) by this date or something to the effect. if he is not serious about getting better then you dont need to have your heart and health compromised over it, you did not cause this, you cannot fix it, you cannot control it.

best of luck to you, I really hope he seeks the help you guys need, and YOU need to get better too.

Jeff

becky110

Thankyou. I had begun to feel quite helpless but after reading all these replies I'm now more hopeful.
There must surely be another way rather than leaving him to drink and drug his way into the gutter before he wakes up and seeks help.
Where can I find steps to help wife of an addict/alcoholic?

jwsablich

Beccy,

here is the link to the 2 threads in this forum that I believe can help YOU start your recovery and help YOU help him.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependents.html


hope this helps a little,

Jeff

jerect

Becky the most beautiful thing about AA, NA Alanon or Naranon is that it is completely anonymous and the members of AA and the others greatly value that tradition.. If your AH goes to AA and he sees someone that he knows.. he must remember that that person is there for the same reason he is... to get help for his addiction.. Your husband saying that he is ashamed to go is just a cop out, an excuse... if he really wanted the help he would go with no fear or shame about who he would run into..

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.. Your AH is either in great denial or he is just isn't ready to get help.. either way you need to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself.

No because this was something that I once struggled through daily when my AH was in active addiction... Just remember you do not have to make any kind of decision today... Start with finding an alanon meeting then go from there... Just focus on today and what you can do today to make your life better.. it may even mean just taking a walk, going to the gym or taking a bubble bath but do something for you today to nurture you..

Read the stickies at the top of the page here on this forum, there is some great insight and advice there for families of addicts

Neagrm

You'll find much help and support in Al-Anon and Substance Abuse support. We cannot do it alone. The tools and encouragement you'll receive in these venues are invaluable. I hope you can find a meeting nearby and/or online support.

A lot of helpful Al-Anon literature is also available to read when you can't get to a meeting/call someone. It has seen me through many times and turned dark days around. _How Al-Anon Works_ is a good one to start with. Finding a sponsor to work with weekly was a turn-around point for me also.

You write so eloquently of your situation and your thoughts, etc. You're a good thinker and are on the right track. It is possible to find your own peace and serenity with the help of healthy Al-Anon tools and outside support to see you through. It is a life-time journey of healing.

Blessings to you....

imallright

Al-anon is another great step. It is comforting just to know that you are not alone. That anyone is living with this stinks... but it's reality. The more you can surround yourself with healthy people, the more you will discover that it is ok to want to live like that and you will find small steps to take to help you move forward. Becky, act now. Whatever that action is. Not saying leave. Just saying take action in a positive direction for you. One of the many wise women on this site says..."Nothing changes if nothing changes" or something like that! It doesn't get better unless you are willing to change things for you.

Hugs and lots of positive energy coming to you.

Neagrm

I meant to add, the Co-dependent info in the stickies at the top is also very helpful.

becky110

Thanks for that. So true that nothing will change if nothing changes.
This morning when I woke up I had almost decided that I would do nothing because I don't want to make waves. At home we're in a quiet period at the moment where he just smokes dagga and although he's a bit high for a while afterwards and although I feel embarassed that he thinks I'm fool enough to believe that nothing's happening, still there's no aggression and we're living quietly.

I thought to myself "well, why upset things now? why make work for yourself? he's more or less behaving himself and things are quiet"

But I know I'm just blinding myself to whats ahead because it's already happened umpteen times in the 9 years we've been together. Now I'm caught in the cycle too: wait until things get really nasty and then try to do something.

Trouble is that while he's like this and seems so normal it seems strange to say to someone from AA that he has a problem. If he went to rehab he would be so normal that they would think he didn't even have a problem. (It happened before) He can go for months without touching anything. He would fool anyone into believing that he's managing things just fine by himself because he even fools himself in these periods.

kj3880

Becky,
I almost have to smile when I read this "He seems so normal." We don't all live under bridges and pee on ourselves, my dear. Some people can seek help before it gets that bad. I did. I still had my job, kids, home, cars, even a labrador when I reached my personal bottom and got some help. When he's done, he'll be done. Not when you are done, when he is done.

And when you decide that you are done with his using drugs in your home with your children living there, or even being high sometimes with your children seeing this, then you will be done. I and nobody else can make you be done with it. You get to decide when enough is enough. And then you get to seek help to detach from him and take care of you and your kids.

The truth is that you don't have to wait until he causes you horrible problems and ruins your home and ruins your childrens' trust in you to protect them from people who aren't good for them. You can set the boundary now.

I have a boundary in my recovery: Nobody is allowed to be drunk or high anywhere in my home. Not ever. Alcohol and drugs are not allowed in my home. I don't let high or drunk people socialize with my children. People who break those rules have to stay away from me. I've broken up relationships and friendships over this rule. I skipped Easter at my mother's because I don't take my son around people who are high.

It's up to you. You don't have to let this man ruin you and your family. Addiction is predictable in that it only gets worse unless the addict seeks treatment and abstinence with 100% daily effort. It doesn't sound like he is going for that to me.

Love,
KJ

Neagrm

We don't realize how our thinking changes and we adapt to the addiction over time; it can happen gradually and subtly/not so subtly. We can become preoccupied with the other's behavior/issues, and over time there are significant coping changes in our thinking processes we're not aware of. It is to our detriment and those around us, until we are caught fast in the dysfunction and adding to it without knowing.

You'll know you're starting on the right track when you're truly focus on yourself in a healthy way, rather than on what he is or isn't doing.

becky110

[QUOTE=kj3880;2191340]Becky,
I almost have to smile when I read this "He seems so normal." We don't all live under bridges and pee on ourselves, my dear. Some people can seek help before it gets that bad. I did. I still had my job, kids, home, cars, even a labrador when I reached my personal bottom and got some help. When he's done, he'll be done. Not when you are done, when he is done.

Sorry KJ!! That sounds awful I know.
But you know what I mean. He seems just like me thi evening, sitting drinking a cup of tea and chatting about something on the tv. Then I think, why am I trying to rock the boat? Aren't I jusst loooking for trouble?

And when you decide that you are done with his using drugs in your home with your children living there, or even being high sometimes with your children seeing this, then you will be done. I and nobody else can make you be done with it. You get to decide when enough is enough. And then you get to seek help to detach from him and take care of you and your kids.

You're right and I suppose I'm just too scared of what the result will be when I do make that decision. What if he disappears and ends up drinking himself to death? How will I ever forgive myself? I'd like to think that he would see what he's doing and seek help for his recovery. But that's what I want......

The truth is that you don't have to wait until he causes you horrible problems and ruins your home and ruins your childrens' trust in you to protect them from people who aren't good for them. You can set the boundary now.

I have a boundary in my recovery: Nobody is allowed to be drunk or high anywhere in my home. Not ever. Alcohol and drugs are not allowed in my home. I don't let high or drunk people socialize with my children. People who break those rules have to stay away from me. I've broken up relationships and friendships over this rule. I skipped Easter at my mother's because I don't take my son around people who are high.

I really wish my children had never been exposed to any of this. I've worked hard to shield them from it but now that they're older it's impossible.

I've told him that he must NEVER do it at home and that he must never appear in front of any of us when he's under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. But of course, he's made promises before and not kept them so there's noting to ay tat he'll keep to this agreement either.

It's up to you. You don't have to let this man ruin you and your family. Addiction is predictable in that it only gets worse unless the addict seeks treatment and abstinence with 100% daily effort. It doesn't sound like he is going for that to me.


I know it's up to me but it makes me so angry that it has to be this way. Why should I be responsible and not him?

becky110

You're so right. I had almost got used to it and it took my 20 year old son to point out to me that I shouldn't be living with this. He was here for the summer holidays and pointed out to me that something was very wrong.
While I had my sons support I found the courage to ask my husband to leave and get help. Unfortunately, once my son's holiday finished and he left I weakened and allowed my husband to return home and although we both went to the church for some counseling it really didn't seem to help much at all.

I know I have to move on and do something because it's not going to go away but I find it so so hard. I hate the situation I'm in but I hate even more having to face the future alone. The only time I feel strong enough to do something is when he goes on a binge and makes life so unbearable that I absolutely have to do something.

winnie12

How do you live with an addict?
I dont think you live "with" an addict - I think you live "despite" an addict.