krhea75

So I kicked my son out about 3 weeks ago for various issues: blowing his money on who knows what, taking my phone and keeping it without permission, etc. He moved in with his dad and that seems to be going okay. MY life is so much easier now. But I just found out his dad is moving out of town in May and then my AS will have nowhere to live. I have told him he is not living with me, and so he is looking for a place. But you know how that goes...working at KFC doesn't lead to much of a paycheck, especially when you blow most of it on alcohol or whatever he is using.

He has had a couple of drug tests,and they both have been clean. He is not attending meetings, and he is still hanging out with old friends. Part of me, though, is tempted to help him out with a place to live. I know that he is wasting his money, so it will be good for him to put it into a place to live and take some responsibility. But I know that he won't make it without some help. I know that this is enabling, but I don't want him to move back in with me! He is 19 and needs to stand on his own. But would it be wrong to give him the down payment on the place and maybe $100 a month towards rent?
Is there such a thing as enabling just a little?

Krhea

krhea75

Thanks Anvilhead, I know you are right.... I just want to help! said the enabler! Yikes, I am such a sneaky little enabler. I tried to make it sound soooo logical and innocent. Thanks for kicking my bootee! He has talked to a few friends about living with them,but I do think that he thinks I will let him come back home when push comes to shove.

Freedom1990

I'd suggest making it very clear to him from the starting gate that living with you is not an option.

My 20 year old ended up overdrafted more than once in her checking account due to irresponsible spending habits. Those overdraft charges add up pretty fast and guess what? She doesn't do that anymore after having had the sting of having to pay those extra charges plus the overdraft amount.

cece1960

(((krhea)))
I have "bought" my own peace on many occasion
But I know when I do that, it just encourages an endless cycle of coming back for more.
In our area, they have apartments based on income (in pretty decent complexes)
Maybe thats a place to start.
Maybe a full fridge and stocked cupboards once he finds a place would be a better plan?

Then, when he finds a place, maybe he could pass some tips to my kid

helpformyson

I was living on my own at 17. Split the rent and bills with 2 other people, made my car payments, paid for my own insurance, put myself through collage all while working 2 jobs. My 22 year old son, who can not get his act together, because mommy and daddy never wanted him to be uncomfortable and have to work as hard as I did. Mommy cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, put a roof over his head, gave him spending money, until last year when I threw him out because he would not get a job, slept until 1:00 p.m. every day, sold all his possessions and is a total mess.
Now he can't even wipe his own butt and spends every dime he has on drugs. We need to stop doing so much for our kids. They will never learn on their own. I am sorry that I did not stop my enabling 3 years ago.

kj3880

Here's a letter from your son after recovery:

Dear Mom,

I'm writing you a letter from the future. I am your son in recovery. I want you to let me find recovery as quickly as I can because I have to tell you that my life is great over here in my clean and sober future.

Please let me fall so I can hit bottom and start to get better. Please don't "help" me ruin my life any more by giving me money or a place to stay or food. It's just keeping me comfortable in my disease. Please let me work for all my money. It gives me self-respect and keeps me busy so that I'm less tempted to drink or get high or get in trouble.

If you're watching me still in active addiction, please let me suffer. I won't get desperate enough to seek recovery until I am totally miserable. Please give me a chance to get there as fast as I can. I love you, but you won't be able to tell until I get clean.

Thanks,
Your Son in Recovery

Spiritual Seeker

Let him figure his life out...if you do it for him you rob him of the chance.

He has options: move with dad, rent a room, share a place with numerous people.
He must figure out what his options are.

You can act "as if" he is capable and keep your focus where it belongs.

Angelic17

The more you do for your son, the less he will do for himself. At 17 I had a job in New York City, my own apartment. I paid, gas, electric, phone, and food. Bought my own clothes. Cleaned my own apartment. Nobody ever gave me anything, until I married my husband. And I still worked and helped out. I on the other hand, did everything for my son, he didn't get well until I finally stopped.

greeteachday

KH - Thanks for the message - perfect! Krhea, hugs dear mom....I know you know the answer and I know you can do it! Glad your life is less stressful now.

Hangin' In

Krhea,

My sponsor and a few others in Al Anon taught me several good phrases to have handy for those times that my AD would call and either want something (such as rent for an apt) or times when I'd have a little relapse myself and want to revert back to the enabling.

The phrases are:

"I'm always willing to do what is in your best interest (and I don't think this is in your best interest.)"

"I've got a very smart daughter (son) and I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"That may work for you but it doesn't work for me."

"Sounds like you're having a bad day."

Can't tell you how many times one of those phrases helped me out of a tight spot when the AD would call and I'd go totally brain dead and start thinking with my heart.

And the others are right. I finally realized that when I stepped in and did things for my AD I was only cheating her of the opportunity to learn to be the responsible adult I always wanted her to be.

Hugs,

Hangin' In

krhea75

Yes, I know you are all right in your comments....Thanks for the reminders. KJ, the letter from the future hit me square between the eyes! And Hangin' I'm going to make a copy of those quotes and keep them in my billfold....He is almost 19! He has seen more in his short life than I have. He can surely handle finding an apartment and paying for it. Thanks again everyone!