living with an addict -- questions/concerns
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Tampa Florida
Posts: 8
living with an addict -- questions/concerns
My girlfriend of 3 years recently (October 08) told me that she had been addicted to pain killers for a while. She was on Roxy's and Oxy's. She entered a treatment facility and was put on suboxone to curb her addiction to painkillers.
She also has high anxiety. For that, her doctor prescribed her Somas; and instructed her to take 2, 4 times a day. I have recently discovered that Somas have addictive qualities and being a former addict, I am concerned that she is just replacing her addiction to pain killers with these somas. I cannot leave her medication with her; everytime I do, she ends up taking more than she needs to. I hold onto her meds and give her the doses as needed. However, I have been recently suspecting that she is getting these (or something else) from somewhere else. She is having the same symptoms that she would if she had taken too many somas - IE - trouble speaking clearly, dizziness, shaky....
She has been going through so much in her life lately, I feel terrible for her. Her family has almost completely flaked out on her, and she is now living with me and my parents. She left her last job because other employees were inhibiting her painkiller usage; now she has a job, but she isn't making the money she needs to. She currently does not have a car, but has saved almost $2000 for a new one. I know where she is coming from; she feels like the world is against her, and every time she trys to do something right, or make progress in a certain direction, WHAM! something else comes in to bring her right back down. Her mom is hardly there for her, and her dad is an alchoholic who verbally abuses her (hence whay she is living at my house with my family). She lieterally cannot be in his prescence without him belittling her and making her feel worthless, which obviously effects her anxiety level.
I cannot lie; times are very tough on the both of us, and we have both relized that this is severely affecting our relationship. I keep telling her it is just a matter of time before we are out on our own, and that things will change for the better then. My temper is short sometimes... but mostly because I dont know what it is like. I cannot imagine what she feels or thinks, and I think that just frustrates the hell out of me! I know that I must make great improvements to help her with her recovery, and I am willing ot do so to save this relationship. I really dont know what I would do without her.
Another friend of ours has also began her suboxone treatment. She really looks up to my girlfriend for support and advice, and my girlfriend loves to help her as much as possible. They have recently begun going to NA meetings together, and tomorrow night, I will be attending with her for the first time. She has done so well with the suboxone treatment and leaving pain killers behind, but as I stated, I am concerned that she is just replacing her addiction to another drug. She seems very interested in the NA process and is going to begin the NA 12 step and search for a sponsor.
She has expressed interest in getting off the somas and trying natural methods of anxiety relief such as kava-kava, and another I dont remember right now.
I dont know what to expect. I dont know where else to go. I am just hoping to get different points of view on this matter and hopefully some of you can open my eyes to the other side of the story.
Thanks for taking the time to read through my story... I look foward to the responses.
She also has high anxiety. For that, her doctor prescribed her Somas; and instructed her to take 2, 4 times a day. I have recently discovered that Somas have addictive qualities and being a former addict, I am concerned that she is just replacing her addiction to pain killers with these somas. I cannot leave her medication with her; everytime I do, she ends up taking more than she needs to. I hold onto her meds and give her the doses as needed. However, I have been recently suspecting that she is getting these (or something else) from somewhere else. She is having the same symptoms that she would if she had taken too many somas - IE - trouble speaking clearly, dizziness, shaky....
She has been going through so much in her life lately, I feel terrible for her. Her family has almost completely flaked out on her, and she is now living with me and my parents. She left her last job because other employees were inhibiting her painkiller usage; now she has a job, but she isn't making the money she needs to. She currently does not have a car, but has saved almost $2000 for a new one. I know where she is coming from; she feels like the world is against her, and every time she trys to do something right, or make progress in a certain direction, WHAM! something else comes in to bring her right back down. Her mom is hardly there for her, and her dad is an alchoholic who verbally abuses her (hence whay she is living at my house with my family). She lieterally cannot be in his prescence without him belittling her and making her feel worthless, which obviously effects her anxiety level.
I cannot lie; times are very tough on the both of us, and we have both relized that this is severely affecting our relationship. I keep telling her it is just a matter of time before we are out on our own, and that things will change for the better then. My temper is short sometimes... but mostly because I dont know what it is like. I cannot imagine what she feels or thinks, and I think that just frustrates the hell out of me! I know that I must make great improvements to help her with her recovery, and I am willing ot do so to save this relationship. I really dont know what I would do without her.
Another friend of ours has also began her suboxone treatment. She really looks up to my girlfriend for support and advice, and my girlfriend loves to help her as much as possible. They have recently begun going to NA meetings together, and tomorrow night, I will be attending with her for the first time. She has done so well with the suboxone treatment and leaving pain killers behind, but as I stated, I am concerned that she is just replacing her addiction to another drug. She seems very interested in the NA process and is going to begin the NA 12 step and search for a sponsor.
She has expressed interest in getting off the somas and trying natural methods of anxiety relief such as kava-kava, and another I dont remember right now.
I dont know what to expect. I dont know where else to go. I am just hoping to get different points of view on this matter and hopefully some of you can open my eyes to the other side of the story.
Thanks for taking the time to read through my story... I look foward to the responses.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
Welcome, Fishwhistle... glad you've found this great resource.
Your post sounds very familiar to me. After her car accident, I felt as though I was killing myself to keep everything in order. With my ex-GF, it seemed as though she/we just 'couldn't catch a break'. Negative things just kept happening and I believed I was being empathetic because of the effects the accident had upon her physically, financially, etc.
I too became frustrated and, "... irritable and unreasonable...", without knowing it. I became quick to anger, often saying things I later regretted, and found myself sensing something more was going on. After the relationship ended and I discovered that painkillers appeared the reason for the demise, I realized this... it wasn't what was happening TO, it's what was happening BECAUSE OF. My empathy became a weapon used against me and caused many self-inflicted wounds.
Somas for anxiety sounds suspicious to me. Soma is a muscle relaxer and may be taken in conjunction with painkillers, creating what is known on the street as a Las Vegas Cocktail... or so I've learned. My ex also seems to have had an affinity for muscle relaxers as well. Regardless, TALKING about wanting to quit doesn't get anyone any closer to actually quitting.
My suggestion is that you allow her to attend her NA meetings and handle her recovery while you pursue your own... possibly through Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Many family support groups are held in the same place and same times as NA/AA meetings.
Read the stickies at the top of the page and continue to educate yourself re: addiction and the dynamics that accompany it. Most importantly, take care of you and avoid the misconception you can control her recovery.
Keep coming back and Many Blessings,
Shaman
Your post sounds very familiar to me. After her car accident, I felt as though I was killing myself to keep everything in order. With my ex-GF, it seemed as though she/we just 'couldn't catch a break'. Negative things just kept happening and I believed I was being empathetic because of the effects the accident had upon her physically, financially, etc.
I too became frustrated and, "... irritable and unreasonable...", without knowing it. I became quick to anger, often saying things I later regretted, and found myself sensing something more was going on. After the relationship ended and I discovered that painkillers appeared the reason for the demise, I realized this... it wasn't what was happening TO, it's what was happening BECAUSE OF. My empathy became a weapon used against me and caused many self-inflicted wounds.
Somas for anxiety sounds suspicious to me. Soma is a muscle relaxer and may be taken in conjunction with painkillers, creating what is known on the street as a Las Vegas Cocktail... or so I've learned. My ex also seems to have had an affinity for muscle relaxers as well. Regardless, TALKING about wanting to quit doesn't get anyone any closer to actually quitting.
My suggestion is that you allow her to attend her NA meetings and handle her recovery while you pursue your own... possibly through Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Many family support groups are held in the same place and same times as NA/AA meetings.
Read the stickies at the top of the page and continue to educate yourself re: addiction and the dynamics that accompany it. Most importantly, take care of you and avoid the misconception you can control her recovery.
Keep coming back and Many Blessings,
Shaman
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Welcome Fishwhistle,
I'm so glad that you have found us..My AH is on suboxone for a painkiller addiction.. the drug has done wonders for him however it's not the subs keeping my AH clean it's is program and his daily attendance at meetings that are keeping him clean.. he knows that he cannot stay on subs forever..
you must make great improvements on YOUR recovery.. you cannot help her with hers.. her recovery is all up to her and her alone..
I would not attend the NA meetings with your Girlfriend.. let her attend those by herself.. YOU need to attend your own meetings and work on your on recovery.
Not so sound harsh but LIFE IS HARD FOR EVERYONE right now.. that is just reality and there will be things that come up in your GF's life that she is just going to have to deal with and if she is serious about staying clean then she will have to deal with these things substance free.
Somas are addictive... It is up to your GF to speak to her Doctor about getting her meds changed.. it's not up to YOU to dose out her medication to her or try to control her use in anyway... because like you said she is probably getting them from someone else aside from her regular prescription...
When my AH first went on suboxone, I thought it was going to be the cure all.. that he would be free from this addiction once and for all... unfortunatly that is not the case.. the subs may take away the cravings for opiates but it does not take away the addictive behavior... and it certainly does not keep them from abusing other drugs such as Benzo's, Somas, Cocaine and whatever else is out there... it is up to her and her alone to change her behavior... it is up to you to change yours..
Keep posting here and take the time to read other threads... you will gain so much insight from others on here that have walked this same path as you...
I'm so glad that you have found us..My AH is on suboxone for a painkiller addiction.. the drug has done wonders for him however it's not the subs keeping my AH clean it's is program and his daily attendance at meetings that are keeping him clean.. he knows that he cannot stay on subs forever..
I know that I must make great improvements to help her with her recovery,
They have recently begun going to NA meetings together, and tomorrow night, I will be attending with her for the first time
She has been going through so much in her life lately, I feel terrible for her.
have recently discovered that Somas have addictive qualities and being a former addict, I am concerned that she is just replacing her addiction to pain killers with these somas. I cannot leave her medication with her; everytime I do, she ends up taking more than she needs to. I hold onto her meds and give her the doses as needed. However, I have been recently suspecting that she is getting these (or something else) from somewhere else.
When my AH first went on suboxone, I thought it was going to be the cure all.. that he would be free from this addiction once and for all... unfortunatly that is not the case.. the subs may take away the cravings for opiates but it does not take away the addictive behavior... and it certainly does not keep them from abusing other drugs such as Benzo's, Somas, Cocaine and whatever else is out there... it is up to her and her alone to change her behavior... it is up to you to change yours..
Keep posting here and take the time to read other threads... you will gain so much insight from others on here that have walked this same path as you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Tampa Florida
Posts: 8
Thanks for the imput! I would like to point out that I am not addicted to anything, so what meetings are you talking about that I should go to?
Also, I am new to this game, so what does AH mean?
Also, I am new to this game, so what does AH mean?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Fishwhistle, AH (addict Husband) Alanon & Naranon are meetings/programs for friends & family of alcoholics/addicts. These programs help us in our recovery. And believe or not, we are addicted to the addict.
3 c's
we didn't cause it
we can't control
we can't cure it
Your GF's recovery is her choice, nothing you do, say or try will keep her clean. It is something she has to want above all else, and work at every day of her life.
3 c's
we didn't cause it
we can't control
we can't cure it
Your GF's recovery is her choice, nothing you do, say or try will keep her clean. It is something she has to want above all else, and work at every day of her life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Fishwhistle
I too need to attend meetings to help ME. Please remember one thing your GF parents may have already went through the process that you are going through right now. They may have already tried to help her. Sometimes when they have tried everything they can they just give up and her mom is probably working her own program and it seems like the dad needs help himself. The mom has 2 addicts thta she is dealing with, so for her own sanity she has probably backed out. Addicts can be sweet and very convincing. HAve you met the mother? I just saying make sure you take care of YOU. They always tell me that here now I'm trying to take some of their GOOD advice
God Bless
I too need to attend meetings to help ME. Please remember one thing your GF parents may have already went through the process that you are going through right now. They may have already tried to help her. Sometimes when they have tried everything they can they just give up and her mom is probably working her own program and it seems like the dad needs help himself. The mom has 2 addicts thta she is dealing with, so for her own sanity she has probably backed out. Addicts can be sweet and very convincing. HAve you met the mother? I just saying make sure you take care of YOU. They always tell me that here now I'm trying to take some of their GOOD advice
God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Tampa Florida
Posts: 8
thanks for the advice. She has a Dr appointment today and is going to talk with him about getting off the somas and onto an actual anxiety medication. She is going to get an anti depressant. I guess I will have to see where this goes from here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Just some food for thought. I've met very few fellow addicts in recovery who didn't have some level of anxiety when first getting clean/sober.
I had terrible anxiety off and on the first three years. It's amazing how much that dissapated as I worked through the 12 steps and was active in my own recovery.
I had terrible anxiety off and on the first three years. It's amazing how much that dissapated as I worked through the 12 steps and was active in my own recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Tampa Florida
Posts: 8
I anticipate that she will join this forum, so anything that has helped anyone through similar situations will be good/great advice! Thanks for your imput, and thank you to everyone on this forum! this is a great place with great support!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yeah, good luck with that. I wouldn't urge her to join here if I were you. You need somewhere you can go for support. Somewhere you can openly vent your frustration. You won't be able to talk openly if she is reading everything you write. I can recommend some other websites if she needs an outlet. You guys need to have seperate recoveries. Let there be some space.
KJ
KJ
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
Fish,
its not a good idea for you to post your venting in the same site as the addict you are venting with.
this is due to the fact that your significant other will be able to read and or post on your venting and it could very well result in more turmoil at home for the both of you (arguing about what you said in your venting)
I am the fiancee of an addict going through Court Mandated Recovery/Therapy
and I find it difficult to vent in the same place she does, she has read a few of the reply posts I received in this forum and what do you know.... another argument came up. how the people here are wrong or name calling etc... that she is sooo much different than your normal recovering addict and they dont know what they are talking about.
our minds work differently than the ones of the addict, we can hope and wish, love all there is to give in our hearts yet they will not understand what we are saying.
From personal experience PLEASE do not have her join the same web site as you use for venting.
Jeff
its not a good idea for you to post your venting in the same site as the addict you are venting with.
this is due to the fact that your significant other will be able to read and or post on your venting and it could very well result in more turmoil at home for the both of you (arguing about what you said in your venting)
I am the fiancee of an addict going through Court Mandated Recovery/Therapy
and I find it difficult to vent in the same place she does, she has read a few of the reply posts I received in this forum and what do you know.... another argument came up. how the people here are wrong or name calling etc... that she is sooo much different than your normal recovering addict and they dont know what they are talking about.
our minds work differently than the ones of the addict, we can hope and wish, love all there is to give in our hearts yet they will not understand what we are saying.
From personal experience PLEASE do not have her join the same web site as you use for venting.
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Fish,
There you go again, putting your addicts' needs ahead of your recovery needs...you are important. You have to be your own priority! You seem to be getting something out of being here with us, and I know I get something out of talking with you, too! Let her get her own dang website...first come, first serve! Finders, keepers...and all that. You don't know that she's going to get anything out of this at all, but you know that you are recovering here, so it doesn't make sense for you to sacrifice this for her, IMO.
Love,
KJ
There you go again, putting your addicts' needs ahead of your recovery needs...you are important. You have to be your own priority! You seem to be getting something out of being here with us, and I know I get something out of talking with you, too! Let her get her own dang website...first come, first serve! Finders, keepers...and all that. You don't know that she's going to get anything out of this at all, but you know that you are recovering here, so it doesn't make sense for you to sacrifice this for her, IMO.
Love,
KJ
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Fish,
kj3880 and jwsablich are both very correct...
You found us first, you sought us out because you were looking for answeres to your questions and you were looking for a place to let out a little steam or a lot of steam..
This is your Place... your own corner of serenity.. Just like your GF needs to find the meeting that she will feel most comfortable in she also needs to find her own online support if that is what she chooses.. It's not up to you to find that place for her..
This is all so very true... it will cause much more problems then what it is worth. My AH knows that I'm a board junky but I highly doubt he knows what board I post on and what I'm talking about or venting about.. If he read some of the things I have posted we would have World War III in our house for sure.. Living with an addict is chaotic enough as it is, why add more stress to the situation by inviting her in to YOUR program.. Just like we don't understand them, they don't understand us..
I know you want to help her, I can read that through your posts.. I was once like you, I was willing to do anything and everything to help my AH get clean.. I would spend hours on the internet searching out meetings, printing out articals, driving him to meetings and anything else you can think of... it didn't help him one bit because he did not want the help so therefore it drove an even bigger wedge between us... and all it did for me was waste my valuable time that I could have been spending working on my recovery.. The best way you can help your GF is to get help for yourself, to set healthy boundaries and to quit enabeling her... Let her find her own way because if she wants it bad enough she will seek it out... when she is so sick and tired of being sick and tired she will hunt it down like you hunted us down... This I promise..
kj3880 and jwsablich are both very correct...
You found us first, you sought us out because you were looking for answeres to your questions and you were looking for a place to let out a little steam or a lot of steam..
This is your Place... your own corner of serenity.. Just like your GF needs to find the meeting that she will feel most comfortable in she also needs to find her own online support if that is what she chooses.. It's not up to you to find that place for her..
this is due to the fact that your significant other will be able to read and or post on your venting and it could very well result in more turmoil at home for the both of you (arguing about what you said in your venting)
I know you want to help her, I can read that through your posts.. I was once like you, I was willing to do anything and everything to help my AH get clean.. I would spend hours on the internet searching out meetings, printing out articals, driving him to meetings and anything else you can think of... it didn't help him one bit because he did not want the help so therefore it drove an even bigger wedge between us... and all it did for me was waste my valuable time that I could have been spending working on my recovery.. The best way you can help your GF is to get help for yourself, to set healthy boundaries and to quit enabeling her... Let her find her own way because if she wants it bad enough she will seek it out... when she is so sick and tired of being sick and tired she will hunt it down like you hunted us down... This I promise..
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