longview

Well, I don't know how to classify my AD anymore.

She came home after quitting college and getting into drugs. My boundaries at the time were no drugs, get a part-time job and start school part-time, certain chores here, paying car insurance, phone.

Well, now after getting a few square meals and feeling a bit better, she has become Miss I-can-party-all-night-long. School can't start until fall, has one eensy weensy job one day a week. Is applying for others.

So, I'm setting boundaries on that, and I get, “You keep changing the rules and I can never do enough. And, don't you remember from Alanon that co-dependents greatest character defect is controlling other people?” Quack. Maybe alateen when she was young wasn't a great idea. She manipulates the jargon.

True, I didn't specifically say, “no staying out all night long.” I guess because that possibility didn't even cross my mind.

So, where can I post questions, cries for help, requests for boots in the behind? It seems whether she is drugging, drinking or just being a selfish idgit, it affects our relationship in the same way and I still have to work the steps and garner experience, strength and hope from others.

Thanks for reading.

dorton

Respect for you and your home shouldn't have to be written in the rules. If she is out partying all night is she keeping the no drugs rule?

Freedom1990

Your house, your boundaries, no? Just because there were things you didn't think of before she had moved back in doesn't mean you don't have the right to add those things later.

Before my youngest daughter was released back to me after a year in foster care, I had to have a behavioral contract in place, and with consequences clearly spelled out. There was also a statement at the bottom that said I was allowed to add boundaries as I saw fit, end of story. If she wanted to come home, she would sign the contract and abide by it.

I also allowed my oldest AD to stay with me temporarily after she did a lengthy incarceration, and I had very clear boundaries in place. I don't run a flophouse where people can prance in and out all hours of the day/night, drunk and loaded.

She lasted one month and I kicked her to the curb when I arrived home early one afternoon (she wasn't expecting me). The house reeked of pot, my stereo was cranked up to the max, and she was in bed with some guy I had never seen, and who went to prison later for molesting two 9 year old girls. I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her.

Only you know how much you will put up with. I found the two biggest stumbling blocks I had in using tough love were guilt over my parenting in my younger days, and having my girls 'mad' at me.

My youngest still lives at home with me, she's almost 21 now, and we have a great relationship. If she's going to be out late, she calls me to let me know, and that's something she does on her own. She treats me with respect 99% of the time. She works two jobs, makes her own car and insurance payments, buys all her own clothes and other stuff, and has her own horse she's trained by herself. She got over being 'mad' at a mother who implemented tough love in this house.

suki44883

Where is she getting the money to party all night long? It's your home and you have the right to set whatever rules you wish, and to change those rules as situations change.

Spiritual Seeker

It NEVER seems to work out for any of us who allow our young adult children back in the home if they are using drugs/alcohol.
Their stuff brings up our stuff and we GET an unsatisfactory relationship and living arrangement. our expectations will not be met and we deal with unacceptable behavior.
It seems to prolong the period they shirk responsibility and addiction progresses.

If we choose to allow them in we can't control the outcome, Trying to control it will make us crazy with disappointment and heartache.
That is what I know after having tried it with my son a couple of times.

sharon55

It's your home....I'm sure that you pay all the bills and take care of the upkeep and the like. Anybody that freeloads doesn't have the right to argue about any of the rules. She has to carry her share of the load and be respectful of your home. Your putting yourself in a bad place if you don't buck up and make her tow the mark.

IMHO I've been where you are and you can't cut them any slack or it's right back to the same ole habit.....

I hopeful that everything will work out the way you want it to. Keep up the good work you'll get there.

longview

Thank you for the replies.

I think she is clean. I'm making her drop UAs whenever I get a kit. Meth is such a problem here, there are agencies that give kits away, so I get one of those for every other test. Supposedly she is receiving beer purchased by "friends" when they are out. How long will that last? Is it even true?

Yeah, I feel exactly like I'm running a flop house and I am not good with that. I also regret letting her move back in. I have probably messed up, but am willing to face the consequences of my decision and get back on track.

bluebelle

We've been through similar stuff with ABF's oldest daughter. We had to set clear boundaries, and tell her that if she didn't follow them, she was out. She had to either go to school full time, or have a full-time job. We gave her a deadline to get a job. She found herself a job, went to training for a couple of days, and then stopped going. We were left with the owners calling us, upset because they spent money on her training and she just disappeared. So, when she didn't have classes/job by the specified time, we kicked her out.

We had other rules that she had to load the dishwasher. She couldn't leave her dirty dishes and food all over her bedroom, etc. I don't think any of our rules were unreasonable.

laurie6781

Alcohol is also a MIND ALTERING CHEMICAL, she IS NOT CLEAN.

Your house, your rules. And one of those rules might also be she pay ROOM and BOARD to cover the cost of the food she is consuming and the utilities. All are consequences of HER ACTIONS.

It is your home. You deserve the respect and you are probably right she may not be there much longer.

Exactly she is QUACKING. Tough love, boundaries, whatever label you want to put on it, it is HARD no doubt about it. However, as I have said in many of my posts in the past, the BEST thing my folks ever did for me was lock me out and put my problem back in my hands. My only regret is that they waited so long to do it.

Sending prayers for you to regain your peace, serenity, and sanity in your own home.

Love and hugs,

Mis

I think you are right and especially because you're just asking to her to do whats good for her. I think people who use live fast lives (partying all the time) so they dont have to stop and look a whats really going on. I hope things get better.

Ann

I used to tell my son, you can live with respect in MY house under MY rules or I will love you just as much when move some place else. And then I was prepared to enforce my boundaries or ask him to leave.

We don't have to be their only option, and we sure don't have to live by THEIR rules, we already know where those rules lead.

Sadly, letting them live at home almost never works...for them or for us. All it does is give us a front row seat to the drama of addiction, and I learned the hard way that the front row seat is the worst seat in the house.

Hugs for you and prayers for your daughter.

Serenity Bound

I definitely agree with Ann on this. My AD moved back in with us on 2/28, I had my rules in place, first two weeks went well, then things started going downhill.

longview

I definitely agree she is not "clean" if drinking. I politely asked for some of her time. Of course, she's been too busy and is avoiding that. So, today I told her I get tomorrow evening with her to clear some things up or she will be notified of which storage unit her things have been placed in and the locks will be changed.

It will most likely end up with her moving out. I would love it if she had an epiphany and decided to go for better things in life, but I don't see that happening with me letting her be free of all responsibility.

I've had peace and serenity (and food and a clean kitchen and bathroom). I am not willing to let things continue as they are now or to let them degrade further.

Freedom1990

I know how hard it is. Don't be surprised if she 'avoids' again tomorrow.

Stick to your guns. :ghug :ghug :ghug

Angelic17

Longview, how old is your AD? And what kind of drugs is she involved in. Is it Meth? Your house, Your rules. If she doesn't respect them, she goes. It's just that simple. Be careful with the drug tests. These kids party all night long, and then they take this product called the stuff. It's sold in the pharmacy, and hides the drugs in their urine. I know for a fact. My son showed it to me. What will they think of next?

Jody Hepler

One of the best things I learned in Alanon is that I can change my mind.

My ASs always said I was "changing the rules" - well they were "changing the behaviors for the worse".

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler