Don't know what to do about my AD
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Don't know what to do about my AD
Hi All,
I usually post over in the F&F of alcoholics as my H is an alcoholic who is in recovery for now. I say for now because I live each day one day at a time with his addiction. And I don't know how well he can deal with the drama my AD causes. But anyway ... that's for him to work out, that's what meetings and sponsors are for. I'm here because I don't really have anyone to turn to at the moment regarding my daughter, and of course, I could go to RAH, but at the moment, I'd rather not. I feel more comfortable with all of you, friends and family of A's, not the A himself. Besides, he really is too close to the situation.
Anyway, my AD was a very level headed person up till about 2 years ago. When my AH had his first stint in rehab, that's when I noticed something wasn't right with her. Now, mind you, she's always been difficult, opinionated, and had entitlement issues. Always. Anyway, two years ago when AH was in rehab, she'd come over to be a "source of strength" for me. Then she would leave her kids w/me, say she was "running to the store" and come back 2 hours later. She was always making up excuses as to why she wanted to borrow money (I'm talking "fell out of her pocket", "gas tank has a leak after she put in $25 gas", etc.), At first, never thinking she would be doing drugs, I believed it (guess that was in the grips of my codie-ism) so I would be handing out money right and left cause if I didn't she said she wouldn't have gas to get to work and "lose her job". She, being a nurse and a single mom, needed her job (not to mention she needed to make the car payment on the brand new car my AH co-signed for her so she could have good transportation to and from work and w/the kids, which HE managed to use as an excuse to drink over and over and over again!) so I was handing out money right and left. Then she had a fire in her apt (french fries) and I lent her my credit card because she did suffer 3rd degree burns for which she needed medical supplies, and since she couldn't work, I paid for them. In any event, she managed to charge up in one month over $1500 (only $300 were on medical supplies). Not to mention $3,000 I paid out in insurance premiums on the new car RAH cosigned for cause she "couldn't pay it" and I couldn't let RAH know it cause he was active in his disease at the time and that would have been the perfect excuse for all hell to break lose. Anyway, fast forward (cause I know I'm rambling, but hey, some newcomer may see a pattern here w/their family member), it finally comes to a head. She admits she has "issues". Gets her act together. Not for long.
I won't go into anymore rambles, I just wanted to give you the background since I'm new to this forum.
But, since then, was arrested last year for being in a car with a guy who had a crack pipe in there, but it got dismissed on "first time offense" type thing, lost several jobs, got evicted from her apt., moved in with her boyfriend, who I might add, is a very sweet, kind, loving man who loved (and I say "loved") her and loves her kids dearly, has done everything for them, including work his butt off to put a roof over their heads and she is unemployed. She no longer has the new car (and hasn't for about 18 mos. cause it was stolen), so she relies on public transportation, does not work, has not renewed her nursing license, and just today stole my debit card from my pocketbook while she was over. Yes, that's right. She came to my house today to do my hair (she's also a hairdresser) and she was "out of it" big time. I noticed my pocketbook wide open wallet wide open when I went in my room for something, yet, of course, she denies it. I told her I wanted to check her pockets, she refused, left (which was my immediate lie detector), went to her boyfriend's truck (she borrowed it from him to come over) came back and then said "here, I'll empty my pockets". Does she think I am dumb???? I had already called and reported it as stolen. I told her she stole it, she denied it, I wasn't gonna get into it (why bother, I know the truth). I told her to leave my house and would not let her take her two kids (they stayed at my house overnight last night). Her boyfriend calls me about 2 hours later saying he had to get to work, and asked if she left yet. I told him she left two hours ago. He started saying how selfish she is, in considerate, and he was really worried he was gonna get in trouble at work. She wound up coming home after that, but he was gonna be late. I calmed him down and he went to work.
Anyway, I brought her kids home a little while ago, she appeared to still be "out of it". Claims she is having "mini seizures". I know for a fact she hangs out with my sister (her 47 yo aunt) who is a crack, ambien, xanax addict, and an alcoholic. I truly don't care anymore what happens to my daughter, I have let go on that one. But I get concerned for her two kids. They are very mature, and I know they can handle things, but do they deserve to grow up with a mother like this? I don't want to open up a can of worms and do something I may regret, but yet I feel for my grandchildren. I work full time, as does RAH, and there would be no way either could give up our jobs to care for these kids, we don't have any extra income for child care, etc. I don't know what to do. Also, we (RAH and I) have discussed the possibility of an intervention but I don't think it would do anything. I have also thought of calling her father (he left when she was 4 and she did not see him nor have a relationship w/him till this past year, she's 27 now) because I have a feeling she is playing her "divide and conquer" game with us (we don't have contact) and is getting money from him w/sob stories, etc. This past month, she was arrested for driving w/a suspended license. she called me for bail, I let her sit in jail for 5 days till her boyfriend bailed her out (borrowed money from my RAH to do it). I got a feeling she gave her father a sob story on that one, said her bf bailed her out, he sent her money, which she spent. I really believe she is on Xanax, coke and vicodin. How does one let go when there are kids involved? Would that then open up another can of worms with RAH, since he is at an age where he thought there would be no more kids. I know, if he relapsed, he caused it and I can't control it, but I could not support them on my own, and I won't subject them to living here with him while he would be active. Any words of wisdom any of you can give me is greatly appreciated.
I usually post over in the F&F of alcoholics as my H is an alcoholic who is in recovery for now. I say for now because I live each day one day at a time with his addiction. And I don't know how well he can deal with the drama my AD causes. But anyway ... that's for him to work out, that's what meetings and sponsors are for. I'm here because I don't really have anyone to turn to at the moment regarding my daughter, and of course, I could go to RAH, but at the moment, I'd rather not. I feel more comfortable with all of you, friends and family of A's, not the A himself. Besides, he really is too close to the situation.
Anyway, my AD was a very level headed person up till about 2 years ago. When my AH had his first stint in rehab, that's when I noticed something wasn't right with her. Now, mind you, she's always been difficult, opinionated, and had entitlement issues. Always. Anyway, two years ago when AH was in rehab, she'd come over to be a "source of strength" for me. Then she would leave her kids w/me, say she was "running to the store" and come back 2 hours later. She was always making up excuses as to why she wanted to borrow money (I'm talking "fell out of her pocket", "gas tank has a leak after she put in $25 gas", etc.), At first, never thinking she would be doing drugs, I believed it (guess that was in the grips of my codie-ism) so I would be handing out money right and left cause if I didn't she said she wouldn't have gas to get to work and "lose her job". She, being a nurse and a single mom, needed her job (not to mention she needed to make the car payment on the brand new car my AH co-signed for her so she could have good transportation to and from work and w/the kids, which HE managed to use as an excuse to drink over and over and over again!) so I was handing out money right and left. Then she had a fire in her apt (french fries) and I lent her my credit card because she did suffer 3rd degree burns for which she needed medical supplies, and since she couldn't work, I paid for them. In any event, she managed to charge up in one month over $1500 (only $300 were on medical supplies). Not to mention $3,000 I paid out in insurance premiums on the new car RAH cosigned for cause she "couldn't pay it" and I couldn't let RAH know it cause he was active in his disease at the time and that would have been the perfect excuse for all hell to break lose. Anyway, fast forward (cause I know I'm rambling, but hey, some newcomer may see a pattern here w/their family member), it finally comes to a head. She admits she has "issues". Gets her act together. Not for long.
I won't go into anymore rambles, I just wanted to give you the background since I'm new to this forum.
But, since then, was arrested last year for being in a car with a guy who had a crack pipe in there, but it got dismissed on "first time offense" type thing, lost several jobs, got evicted from her apt., moved in with her boyfriend, who I might add, is a very sweet, kind, loving man who loved (and I say "loved") her and loves her kids dearly, has done everything for them, including work his butt off to put a roof over their heads and she is unemployed. She no longer has the new car (and hasn't for about 18 mos. cause it was stolen), so she relies on public transportation, does not work, has not renewed her nursing license, and just today stole my debit card from my pocketbook while she was over. Yes, that's right. She came to my house today to do my hair (she's also a hairdresser) and she was "out of it" big time. I noticed my pocketbook wide open wallet wide open when I went in my room for something, yet, of course, she denies it. I told her I wanted to check her pockets, she refused, left (which was my immediate lie detector), went to her boyfriend's truck (she borrowed it from him to come over) came back and then said "here, I'll empty my pockets". Does she think I am dumb???? I had already called and reported it as stolen. I told her she stole it, she denied it, I wasn't gonna get into it (why bother, I know the truth). I told her to leave my house and would not let her take her two kids (they stayed at my house overnight last night). Her boyfriend calls me about 2 hours later saying he had to get to work, and asked if she left yet. I told him she left two hours ago. He started saying how selfish she is, in considerate, and he was really worried he was gonna get in trouble at work. She wound up coming home after that, but he was gonna be late. I calmed him down and he went to work.
Anyway, I brought her kids home a little while ago, she appeared to still be "out of it". Claims she is having "mini seizures". I know for a fact she hangs out with my sister (her 47 yo aunt) who is a crack, ambien, xanax addict, and an alcoholic. I truly don't care anymore what happens to my daughter, I have let go on that one. But I get concerned for her two kids. They are very mature, and I know they can handle things, but do they deserve to grow up with a mother like this? I don't want to open up a can of worms and do something I may regret, but yet I feel for my grandchildren. I work full time, as does RAH, and there would be no way either could give up our jobs to care for these kids, we don't have any extra income for child care, etc. I don't know what to do. Also, we (RAH and I) have discussed the possibility of an intervention but I don't think it would do anything. I have also thought of calling her father (he left when she was 4 and she did not see him nor have a relationship w/him till this past year, she's 27 now) because I have a feeling she is playing her "divide and conquer" game with us (we don't have contact) and is getting money from him w/sob stories, etc. This past month, she was arrested for driving w/a suspended license. she called me for bail, I let her sit in jail for 5 days till her boyfriend bailed her out (borrowed money from my RAH to do it). I got a feeling she gave her father a sob story on that one, said her bf bailed her out, he sent her money, which she spent. I really believe she is on Xanax, coke and vicodin. How does one let go when there are kids involved? Would that then open up another can of worms with RAH, since he is at an age where he thought there would be no more kids. I know, if he relapsed, he caused it and I can't control it, but I could not support them on my own, and I won't subject them to living here with him while he would be active. Any words of wisdom any of you can give me is greatly appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi - Welcome to FF of SA...I'm sorry that you seem surrounded by addiction and alcoholism..It's truly a family disease whether activiely using, in recovery or impacted by addicted family members.
My two daughters battled with addictions - one to heroin, one primarily alcohol. I found I had to do the same thing regardless of the addiction - stop giving them the soft landing; stop enabling and let them face the consequences of their actions. I imagine in your daughter's case that will be difficult - she seems to have found lots of folks to enable her. But until everyone has had enough, it will be hard for her to experience the pain of using enough to want to stop. Naranon and Alanon meetings and making friends in my own recovery program really helped me gather the tools I needed to let my kids find their own way.
I know your heart hurts for the grandkids...no child should have to live with addiction. How old are they? I'd suggest that if you believe they are not in a safe and stable environment and you are not ready to take them in with you (that's certainly understandable) perhaps it would be best to call your state's child services department.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. You can be there for the grandkids while still establishing clear boundaries with your daughter so she isn't robbing you blind. Hugs
My two daughters battled with addictions - one to heroin, one primarily alcohol. I found I had to do the same thing regardless of the addiction - stop giving them the soft landing; stop enabling and let them face the consequences of their actions. I imagine in your daughter's case that will be difficult - she seems to have found lots of folks to enable her. But until everyone has had enough, it will be hard for her to experience the pain of using enough to want to stop. Naranon and Alanon meetings and making friends in my own recovery program really helped me gather the tools I needed to let my kids find their own way.
I know your heart hurts for the grandkids...no child should have to live with addiction. How old are they? I'd suggest that if you believe they are not in a safe and stable environment and you are not ready to take them in with you (that's certainly understandable) perhaps it would be best to call your state's child services department.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. You can be there for the grandkids while still establishing clear boundaries with your daughter so she isn't robbing you blind. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to this side of SR. I, too, have a daughter who is my addict. She currently has 10 months clean. She had to hit a pretty nasty bottom in order to be willing to seek help. I had to let go and let her hit it. I don't have any experience with grandchildren but I feel that protecting the innocent children is a number one priority when addiction is involved even if it means calling Child Protective Services. You do what you need to do to protect them. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Greeteachday gave you some good suggestions. I went to hell and back with my oldest AD...because of the grandkids.
I was teetering on the edge of relapse myself after many years clean/sober.
She eventually lost custody of them, but their father has no backbone to stand up to her, so she still has them on weekends and all summer long.
I have to take care of me and be the best grandmother that I can for them. I love them to pieces on the rare occasions they come for the weekend, and I am present for them emotionally too.
I really recommend you start attending Alanon if you aren't already for face to face support with others who understand. It's also really important for you and RAH to be on the same page as far as not enabling her.
:ghug :ghug
I was teetering on the edge of relapse myself after many years clean/sober.
She eventually lost custody of them, but their father has no backbone to stand up to her, so she still has them on weekends and all summer long.
I have to take care of me and be the best grandmother that I can for them. I love them to pieces on the rare occasions they come for the weekend, and I am present for them emotionally too.
I really recommend you start attending Alanon if you aren't already for face to face support with others who understand. It's also really important for you and RAH to be on the same page as far as not enabling her.
:ghug :ghug
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Sad part is their father terminated his parental rights (hasn't seen them in 7 years), her bf loves them but has only been w/them for 9 months, isn't ready to take them from her, and we can't afford to and live. I guess it will be up to me, but without income from RAH and paying childcare, I don't know how I can give them a stable home.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
((Queentree)) Goodness as I read your post, I was wondering if your AD was my AD's twin. Always a difficult, opionated, entitlement issues kinda child.
My AD has 2 children, both by different fathers, and yeah I worry about them alot. First husband was & still is an addict. I actually tried to get custody about 4 yrs ago. Second husband is abusive. (not the the kids)
Between my husband losing his job 1/08, and using any $$ we had put away on AD's bills,etc......we are barely making it, so at this point we would not be able to take on the grandkids either. I certainly understand your concern though. If you feel the kids are in danger, I would definitely call CPS. (my AD has 4+ months clean at this time)
Hugs & Prayers,
Chris
My AD has 2 children, both by different fathers, and yeah I worry about them alot. First husband was & still is an addict. I actually tried to get custody about 4 yrs ago. Second husband is abusive. (not the the kids)
Between my husband losing his job 1/08, and using any $$ we had put away on AD's bills,etc......we are barely making it, so at this point we would not be able to take on the grandkids either. I certainly understand your concern though. If you feel the kids are in danger, I would definitely call CPS. (my AD has 4+ months clean at this time)
Hugs & Prayers,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Queentree -
My prayers are with you -- very difficult position you are in, but, if your AD were to lose her children, it may just be her bottom. One can only hope so. Right now the children are at risk, so their welfare is important. You should not feel guilty for not taking guardianship - you have been positive, loving and understanding.
My prayers are with you -- very difficult position you are in, but, if your AD were to lose her children, it may just be her bottom. One can only hope so. Right now the children are at risk, so their welfare is important. You should not feel guilty for not taking guardianship - you have been positive, loving and understanding.
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